by Ross Elder As my first debunking of 2015 I thought...
We Remember Iraq: Pair of Aces
By SGT Awesome
When the average American in 2013 hears the names Uday and Qusay, he might think the Mario Brothers joined Islam . However, while Qusay was known to rock a dirty plumber ‘stache like his dad, that is about the only thing they have in common with the Italian duo. They actually were the two sons of the late Saddam Hussein. The level of evil these two perpetrated during their lifetimes likely surpasses even that of their father. Rape, murder, abduction, torture… if they didn’t hit them all it was considered a bad weekend for them. Uday in particular was so cruel that in later years Qusay had actually usurped his older brother’s position as heir to Iraq. This is why on March 17th when President George W Bush gave Saddam 48 hours to surrender himself, he also called for Uday and Qusay to turn themselves in as well.
Being the dickheads that they were, they instead went into hiding and, once the Shock and Awe was over, they couldn’t be found. A few Defense Intelligence Agency Soldiers were pondering how to find them over a game of Texas Hold ‘em when they came up with the genius idea of putting the faces of the military’s most wanted on a deck of cards . Saddam was made the Ace of Spades whilst his two sons at number two and three were the Aces of Clubs (Qusay) and Hearts (Uday).
With major ground combat soon complete, Task Force 20 was given free rein to do what needed to be done to bring High Value Targets to justice, yet it still took until June for the first Ace to fall (Abid Al-Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti/Ace of Diamonds).
As any poker player can tell you, skill can only get you so far; sometimes you just need luck on your side and on July 21st a walk-in informant dealt Task Force 20 the best hand they had ever seen… two Aces. Within 24 hours TF20 and an element of the 101st Airborne had surrounded the building housing Uday and Qusay Hussein. TF20 operators assaulted in but met stiff resistance from a barricaded stairway up to the 2nd floor of the building. After being forced to withdraw they called in back up and what happened next was one of the most awesome displays of fuck-you-i-tude ever seen on earth. For the next four hours they laid the absolute nuts down on that house using virtually any munitions they could get their hands on. When the dust had finally settled (literally), the bodies of Uday and Qusay were recovered and many felt Saddam would soon follow…and then we would be able to pull out of Iraq (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
It has been ten years since then and yet I still wonder what they were thinking whilst the might of the United States Army was raining hellfire (sometimes literally) down upon their compound…
Uday – Fuck! It’s those guys with the bicycle helmets. What are we going to do?
Qusay – Relax. Take a look; all they have are machine guns. We are safe in these walls.
Uday – Qusay! What was that? It sounds like hundreds of grenades exploding outside!
Qusay – It is just that gun on the truck. It is weak. Allah strengthens our walls brother. They have labeled us Aces because we are powerful! Together with Allah’s will, we can defeat anyone.
Uday – QUSAY! That shit is coming from a helicopter! Walls are starting to fall!!!
Qusay – Uday, Uday, Uday. Have faith. Here, let us play cards to ease your mind. I have a deck of those American cards. We’ll play Ramadi hold ‘em. I’ll deal first.
Uday – I am all in! I have you this time brother.
Qusay – I call.
Uday – Ha HA! I’ve got two aces! I win!
Qusay – Fool! I flopped the nuts. Why wouldn’t you just fold?
Uday – But you said aces can’t lose…
And then the final JDAM hit and the world became a better place. It may not have happened exactly like that… but I like to think it did.