Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties
By SGT Awesome
It truly ‘tis the season to be jolly, yet I often can’t help but losing at least two or three friends annually during the holiday season. You see, my friends and family, probably not unlike your own, are jackasses. They seem to think that dressing up like escaped mental patients somehow makes for a wonderful party atmosphere. I say nay.
Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties are not fun. If you think they are, then I hope the coal that Santa delivers to you is smoldering and your house, along with your hideous clothing, burns to ash.
Firstly, it’s really insulting to be invited to such an event. You are making one of two assumptions about me as a person. You are assuming I own something so horrendous that merely donning it would melt the face of all Nazis in a 10 mile radius. Then it’s doubly as insulting when you consider that you are wearing them ironically in some sort of hipster holocaust on the holidays.
Either that or you think I would enjoy going on an extensive scavenger hunt through seedy fourth-hand stores to pay money for a sweater that a naked homeless man in Alaska wouldn’t wear even if you paid him.
So when you invite me to your “Party” all I hear you say is, “I think you’re a douchebag and would enjoy being a douchebag around us.”
I would rather walk unarmed through George Zimmerman’s neighborhood at night.
I would rather have season tickets to the Houston Texans.
I would rather walk into a Crossfit gym and ask how to do a pull up.
Or, and here’s a crazy thought, I’d rather just dress like a human being and enjoy the company of other normal human beings without the stupid pretense of “competition.” Now, don’t get me wrong; I love a good competition, but the point in a competition is that there is a winner. There are no winners at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. None.
Now, if think I’m just going to let you leave here without potentially lifesaving advice, you are happily mistaken sir. To the Blue Falcon Association I belong not.
You may at some point this season walk into an UCSP unknowingly and there are some key evaluations of the situation that need to be made before you deploy your flash bang. (However, if instinct takes over and you feel an immediate extract is necessary, it is well within established ROE to deploy it and run.)
The first thing you should do is recon the environment. Take note of the amount of people participating with Ugly Christmas Sweaters (weirdos) and also make a map of the layout of the abode in your head. Is it conceivable that you can hang out in a location with fellow human beings (normals) with minimal interaction with the weirdos? Do you have established egress paths and alternate rally points if your location is over run by them? I know it sounds like a good idea to lock yourself in the bathroom with the keg, but it makes potential escape hazardous.
Next, you should evaluate the available spread of booze and food in both its quantity and quality. Are you being asked to share a case of Keystone light and a bag of Doritos or is there a full top shelf bar with microbrews and a smorgasbord that would make Rachel Ray wet? These factors will also impact your acceptable ratio of normals to weirdos that you established earlier. The better the spread, the less normals you will need to feel comfortable staying.
Thirdly and no less important is determining if your spouse or significant other is a weirdo. If you were meeting them there, you might be caught by surprise—and in this scenario, avoiding the weirdos becomes a near impossibility as you will no doubt be brow beat to “be more sociable” and possibly even be led forcibly from your safe zone into hostile territory to keep “Dave” company. Dave, you see, has no backbone and his wife not only made him attend, but forced him to wear an UCS. Dave is stuck in hell and desperately needs a battle buddy.
Unfortunately, his soul is already lost and now you must go stare into his lifeless eyes so that later, when you get home, your wife can tell you that Dave is your new best friend and you’re going to double date with them this weekend to the new Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. (Note: it is unacceptable to flash bang your wife.)
Finally to be completely prepared for an unexpected entrance into an UCSP, you should always have no less than three quality excuses ready in your holster to make your exit seem more like you are sad to leave (socially acceptable) and less like you’re frantically trying to get out of the kill zone (socially unacceptable.)
If you don’t come ready with a quality-sounding excuse, you might accidentally blurt out something like “I left my oven on” or “I didn’t realize your place was so close to a school. I’m not allowed to be here.” Neither of which you’ll ever hear the end of.
A couple of my favorites are: “Oh man, I have a horrible peanut allergy and forgot my epi-pen. I’m such a dumbass.” Or if that one wouldn’t work, you can try “I just got a call from work on the way here, looks like I’ll have to go in really early in the morning, but I wanted to stick my head in anyway and say hi. Sorry!” Both leave you looking as though your intent was to take part in the festivities but fell victim to extenuating circumstances.
No matter what, always remember: In worst case scenarios, it only takes 3 minutes to suck a candy cane to a sharp enough point to become lethal when jammed into your eye socket.
I wish all of you in Ranger Up Nation a happy and safe holiday party season.
Opinions expressed on The Rhino Den are that of the author and do not necessarily reflect that of The Rhino Den or Ranger Up. Also, drinking a banana milkshake is a great hangover cure. Now you know.