RTFU

Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties

By
Updated: December 6, 2016

 

By SGT Awesome

 

It truly ‘tis the season to be jolly, yet I often can’t help but losing at least two or three friends annually during the holiday season. You see, my friends and family, probably not unlike your own, are jackasses. They seem to think that dressing up like escaped mental patients somehow makes for a wonderful party atmosphere. I say nay.

Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties are not fun. If you think they are, then I hope the coal that Santa delivers to you is smoldering and your house, along with your hideous clothing, burns to ash.

ChristmasSweaterDouche

Douche-tastic!

Firstly, it’s really insulting to be invited to such an event. You are making one of two assumptions about me as a person. You are assuming I own something so horrendous that merely donning it would melt the face of all Nazis in a 10 mile radius. Then it’s doubly as insulting when you consider that you are wearing them ironically in some sort of hipster holocaust on the holidays.

Either that or you think I would enjoy going on an extensive scavenger hunt through seedy fourth-hand stores to pay money for a sweater that a naked homeless man in Alaska wouldn’t wear even if you paid him.

So when you invite me to your “Party” all I hear you say is, “I think you’re a douchebag and would enjoy being a douchebag around us.”

No.

I would rather walk unarmed through George Zimmerman’s neighborhood at night.

I would rather have season tickets to the Houston Texans.

I would rather walk into a Crossfit gym and ask how to do a pull up.

Or, and here’s a crazy thought, I’d rather just dress like a human being and enjoy the company of other normal human beings without the stupid pretense of “competition.” Now, don’t get me wrong; I love a good competition, but the point in a competition is that there is a winner. There are no winners at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. None.

Now, if think I’m just going to let you leave here without potentially lifesaving advice, you are happily mistaken sir. To the Blue Falcon Association I belong not.

You may at some point this season walk into an UCSP unknowingly and there are some key evaluations of the situation that need to be made before you deploy your flash bang. (However, if instinct takes over and you feel an immediate extract is necessary, it is well within established ROE to deploy it and run.)

The first thing you should do is recon the environment. Take note of the amount of people participating with Ugly Christmas Sweaters (weirdos) and also make a map of the layout of the abode in your head. Is it conceivable that you can hang out in a location with fellow human beings (normals) with minimal interaction with the weirdos? Do you have established egress paths and alternate rally points if your location is over run by them? I know it sounds like a good idea to lock yourself in the bathroom with the keg, but it makes potential escape hazardous.

Next, you should evaluate the available spread of booze and food in both its quantity and quality. Are you being asked to share a case of Keystone light and a bag of Doritos or is there a full top shelf bar with microbrews and a smorgasbord that would make Rachel Ray wet? These factors will also impact your acceptable ratio of normals to weirdos that you established earlier. The better the spread, the less normals you will need to feel comfortable staying.

Thirdly and no less important is determining if your spouse or significant other is a weirdo. If you were meeting them there, you might be caught by surprise—and in this scenario, avoiding the weirdos becomes a near impossibility as you will no doubt be brow beat to “be more sociable” and possibly even be led forcibly from your safe zone into hostile territory to keep “Dave” company. Dave, you see, has no backbone and his wife not only made him attend, but forced him to wear an UCS. Dave is stuck in hell and desperately needs a battle buddy.

Unfortunately, his soul is already lost and now you must go stare into his lifeless eyes so that later, when you get home, your wife can tell you that Dave is your new best friend and you’re going to double date with them this weekend to the new Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. (Note: it is unacceptable to flash bang your wife.)

Finally to be completely prepared for an unexpected entrance into an UCSP, you should always have no less than three quality excuses ready in your holster to make your exit seem more like you are sad to leave (socially acceptable) and less like you’re frantically trying to get out of the kill zone (socially unacceptable.)

If you don’t come ready with a quality-sounding excuse, you might accidentally blurt out something like “I left my oven on” or “I didn’t realize your place was so close to a school. I’m not allowed to be here.” Neither of which you’ll ever hear the end of.

A couple of my favorites are: “Oh man, I have a horrible peanut allergy and forgot my epi-pen. I’m such a dumbass.” Or if that one wouldn’t work, you can try “I just got a call from work on the way here, looks like I’ll have to go in really early in the morning, but I wanted to stick my head in anyway and say hi. Sorry!” Both leave you looking as though your intent was to take part in the festivities but fell victim to extenuating circumstances.

No matter what, always remember: In worst case scenarios, it only takes 3 minutes to suck a candy cane to a sharp enough point to become lethal when jammed into your eye socket.

I wish all of you in Ranger Up Nation a happy and safe holiday party season.

Stay frosty.

 

Opinions expressed on The Rhino Den are that of the author and do not necessarily reflect that of The Rhino Den or Ranger Up. Also, drinking a banana milkshake is a great hangover cure. Now you know. 

Comments

comments

9 Comments

  1. JoeC

    December 4, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    When trapped in a house full of douchebags, who cares about social acceptance? GTHOD and let them deal with their insecurities about why you left.

  2. Emma

    December 4, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    My favorite Sgt Awesome read! “Crossfit” and “pull up” ha! Thanks for the laugh

  3. leftoftheboom

    December 4, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    I have to say that anyone with family, who might engage in something as unsavory as an ugly sweater competition, should have been recognizable from at least beyond knife range. So marrying into a family like that is your own fault.

    Having said that, the hawtness of the significant other, and their willingness to engage in other activities should have direct bearing on whether or not you can safely bail.

    But I have a question: Why can’t you flash bang your wife? To clarify, I am speaking about the grenade, not how fast you are elsewhere.

  4. Ryan

    December 4, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    It’s just a party meant for laughs. Some folks get bend out of shape over the most trivial things in life. It’s a themed event like most other adult parties. Enjoy it or don’t. I’m not a d-bag for attending an adult party. If you take offense about being invited to an UCSP, then honestly that says more about you then those that host them. Get over yourself, it’s really not that serious.

    • Mr Smith

      December 4, 2013 at 3:29 pm

      No. It’s not. The level of douchebaggery at a UCSP is off the charts. The only laughs it’s for is for all of us ordinary people to laugh at you for participating.

    • leftoftheboom

      December 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      There is nothing funny about an ugly sweater except the wearer. And calling an ugly sweater party and adult party is an insult to adult parties.

  5. FatDave

    December 4, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Rachel Ray makes me wet.

  6. Jeremiah

    December 5, 2013 at 11:53 am

    The guy sitting on the couch in the first photo is off worse than the rest. He is wearing a lit shirt (lit with L.E.D.s, not fire unfortunately) making stealthy egress a near impossibility. The illuminated nature of his attire makes for a drawing effect for all douchebags in the area, forcing his battlebuddy to make the hard choice. His battlebuddy must choose whether to get him drunk enough to risk alcohol poisoning, leave him as a scapegoat, or deploy flashbang immediately. If his battlebuddy is with his wife options one and three will result in long term loss of multiple recreational activities, but option two is completely unacceptable. Therefore, one must choose between one and three, ultimately falling to a question of resources, does he have a flashbang? If not boose, if not enough boose he must deploy the accidental stab in arm technique, where your battlebuddy looks at you with knife in hand, and you nod confirmation and he “accidently” “falls” onto you on the couch or whatever and cuts you after the fall to ensure no major injury, but stitches may be required. All in all, stitches may be preferable to hours spent with douchebags.

  7. Yep

    December 9, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Its a shame to hear fellow military veterans be so anti-fun. Just fu*#ing laugh sometimes. It might do some of you some good. If you all are going to get on here and talk so much smack, be sure to go over to LA Police Gear website and tell them how you feel about their military-related Xmas sweaters. Im sure those guys will appreciate it. Ranger Up/Rhino Den are awesome, but this article was a waste of time.

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