By Kelly Crigger “Major Babyface thinks he can belt lift more...
By RU Contributor Mad Medic
Today I got an email from Rob, the Lord and Master of the Rhino Den, about a truly loathsome creature that was making fun of Marine Sgt Merlin German. The joke boiled down to “he must’ve stuck his head in an oven.” Now anyone familiar with this tragic and heartbreaking story would agree with U.S. Army WTF Moments that it was time to truly crush the soul of this gutter grazer. Indeed this candidate for douche of the week was pretty close to getting his own personal Drill Sergeant (or pissed off officer) style reaming.
Indeed I was gearing up to take a crack at it, and there were a few others in the Rhino Den’s orbit that I’m sure could have written a truly scathing rebuke that would have left this dickless wonder a sobbing quivering mass of pathetic soup, and I’m sure you would have laughed your ass off as we in our best parlance did our utmost to shame him. Unfortunately, as a few people looked him up and realized that he was a nobody, it became pretty clear that this whole thing was all about getting attention. Like a little three year old throwing a fit, he was causing as much noise as he could, regardless of the consequences. Sadly he and his kind are so common that there really needs to be a guide to how to deal with these grade school drop outs. So here it is. I promise I’ll try not to monkey stomp any trolls until after I write this.
1). CALM THE FUCK DOWN! If you all remember a while back, shortly after the Bin Laden raid a Chinook carrying DEVGRU got shot down and a lot of Operators got killed. Well enter this one fat sack of shit who put out a YouTube video actually happy about it, praising the Taliban for shooting them down. This happened to be the same fat sack of shit that liked to dress up for Veterans Day and Memorial day, in a “costume” and get “free drinks” while telling truly outrageous tales of US atrocities to unsuspecting civilians. If you know who I’m talking about he weighs about 300 lbs and has real thick BCGs, and is just about the biggest slime ball that ever existed. Oh did I want to lay into him.
If you’re anything like me, you want to crush their soul, their nuts/ovaries, and then humiliate them publicly; usually in that order. Unfortunately, if you go off on them, unlike shouting at a private, you cannot recall your words from the internet. It’s always out there. So the first step is, before you go off on the dick munch, you need to keep calm. If you put out something too extreme it’ll come back on you.
2). Do your research. Chances are whoever it is, they have done it before. There is a rather famous spat between Blackfive’s Jim Hansen, (not This Ain’t Hell’s Jonn Lilya and TSO) with a certain “journalist” that has been making the rounds in the milblogs. Now if you just jump into it at the tail end you’d have no idea what the hell it’s all about and when he goes off at the head you kind of have a WTF moment. Go back and look at what they’ve said. If they’ve really doubled down on the stupid, your first instinct is to jump into the fray. Again with #1 you need to know what you’re talking about.
3). Figure out what you’re going to say. Don’t just respond to everything and get in to shouting matches about how you’re going to beat their ass as it is counterproductive. Keep it specific, but also keep it brief if you can. The more you go off, the more ammunition you give the trolls.
4). Trolls happen, DEAL WITH IT! Yes this part kind of sucks. Trolls can and will happen. You have to learn that sometimes it is best to simply ignore these people. You can’t shout them down, and they are so set in their ways you can’t convert them. Remember what your NCOs and Officers (well less so the officers) would remind you, “You can’t fix stupid.”
5). Know the law, and the rules of your posting site. Sometimes the best thing to do is find the moderator and simply get the troll banned. I recommend if you find something truly offensive, do a screen grab, you may need evidence that they are doing something offensive. Sadly you’ll have to do this routinely because more often than not they’ll just get a new account and keep posting, or the moderator will only remove individual postings.
6). Know your allies. Got something that’s more than just some yahoo trying to get attention? Well there are several people you should contact to help you. Try This Ain’t Hell, Blackfive, US Army WTF Moments, Duffle Blog, YouServed, and of course the Rhino Den is always here to back you up. If you find a douche nozzle that is truly unrepentant and needs to get a new one ripped, then let us know. The community is pretty small and will be quick to respond if we find someone truly in need of our special touch.
I’ll be honest, it is a very good thing that no one can hear the things I say in my head about these fuck wads. I mean really, you’d think I wanted to cut off their testicles to prevent any future breading, break their typing fingers, and dance and Irish jig on their spleen. Yes I could do all those things, and with IP tracking software it is oh so tempting, after all, blunt force trauma is a great way to win an argument. But you see, I’m better than that. I know they’re probably virgins, or have to pay the skankiest, herpes-infested whores to have sex. I know they’re probably living lives that are so pathetic that only their parents are willing to take them in. What’s the use of lowering myself to their level?
Just remember fellow Military folks and supporters, you are better than them. When the nation needs you, you’re there. When trolls need hot pockets, they call their mom. You have a life that is not in front of a computer screen. They have a ton of old Xena tapes that they whack off to (or an online girlfriend that’s really a 32 year old man that manages a McDonalds). Keep the faith, don’t lose your head and believe it or not, it’ll work out.