Top Three Ways Mattis Will Make the Military Great Again
By Paul J. O’Leary
Donald Trump has been our president (yeah, sorry, even those of us who don’t like him don’t get to opt out) for almost a week and the foreshadowing of madness the election brought us has not disappointed us. From Betsy DeVos bringing us the most comical confirmation hearing soundbites ever to the introduction of “Alternate Facts” as an actual thing, there is no question we are probably going to remain politically and culturally divided.
One Trump moment, however, has met with nearly universal acceptance and agreement. The appointment of legendary retired Marine Corps General James Mattis to the position of Secretary of Defense.
Anointed with nicknames like Mad Dog Mattis and the Warrior Monk and going into combat with the radio call sign “Chaos,” Mattis is a staple of military lore. During his tenure as a Marine Corps officer, he was known for his intellectual prowess, especially in the study of war, and his unrefined image as being a rough and tumble warrior who never let advancement in the ranks soften his Infantry ways.
Here at The Rhino Den, we believe there a few ways in which Secrecy of Defense will bring positive and impressive changes to the United States military.
Cool Operational Names: Gone are the days of Operation Inherent Resolve and Operation New Dawn. Chaos himself is in charge now! Get ready ISIS, because Operation Dragonfire Destruction and Operation Yeah That’s a Fucking Predator Drone, Bitch are about to be unfurled.
Mattis is a warrior’s warrior and knows what gets America’s sons and daughters fired up and ready to bring hellfire and freedom on to the four corners of the globe. Make no mistake, shit is about to get real.
Safety: Safety is paramount to the American fighting man and woman because you can’t fight if you never get to the objective. But Mattis is no sissy. He knows we didn’t storm the beaches of Normandy and fight back the Nazis with reflective PT belts and PowerPoint-heavy safety stand downs in the motor pool.
No, old Chaos isn’t having it. The reflective PT belt is being replaced with the pelt of an animal you killed and skinned yourself. Lower enlisted and support personnel will be authorized to wear the belt of docile hoofed animals such as deer, antelope, and angora goats. NCOs and officers will have to wear the pelts of more aggressive beasts, such as bears, tigers, and alligators. SEALs and Marines on sea duty will be authorized to wear the pelts of sharks.
Discipline: Starting this year, all non-judicial punishment will be decided using Viking Rules, also known as trial by combat. When two service members have a disagreement, they will enter the pit and fight until submission. The victor walks away with the decision.
Late for formation and the First Sergeant wants to put you on extra duty or weekend restriction? Maybe. Just challenge the old goat to trial by combat by invoking your right to Viking Rules. If you win, guess what? No weekend restriction! If you lose, I guess it sucks to be you.
The old standards of UCMJ will still be in place, but we’re a warrior class, so warrior options will be available. Think of like the commander’s open door policy…but with the chance you might be able to choke out the commander.
So, there you have it folks. These are great times to be alive and in the military. To quote a young Marine in the Stanley Kubrick classic, Full Metal Jacket, “These are great days we’re living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns.”
With Mattis at the helm of this great vessel of war we call the United States military, there are no more safe spaces and hiding spots for the scurrilous jackals who want to fuck with our way of life and with the lives of our international friends. We’re just as lethal as we ever were, but now we’re doing it with style. Mad Dog might as well have issued every Soldier, Sailor, Airperson, and Marine and gangster ass pair of shiny gold Elvis glasses because the ride just got better than ever.
So veterans, dust off those DD-214s and find a recruiter if you want to be one of the cools kids. Everyone else in uniform, just strap in because Mattis is driving and he’s putting the top down, turning up the radio, and we’re taking this bitch on a road trip. Who’s coming?