Top 6 Weapons We Should Be Using — But Aren’t
By: Noam DeGuerre
I just sat down and re-watched The Pentagon Wars. If you haven’t seen it and need a reminder about how we get some of the absolutely fuck awful systems we’ve been handed then I would highly recommend it.
We can all agree the Military has pushed some real gems on us over the years and tried to take some of our favorite weapon systems away. There is the near yearly threat that they will pull the A-10 out of the sky, despite universal praise and admiration for it. The impending doom of the F-35, the Stealth Air/Ground attack aircraft that doesn’t actually do any of that, and is universally despised.
But what of the weapons we never got, the ones that we know would turn the tide of battle. Weapons that once they are put into the hands of venom spitting warriors, turn average soldiers into all out killing machines. Weapons that if you focus and listen, you can ever so softly hear the future lamentations of our enemy’s women. Some of these weapons need further development to become practical or even to exist, some you can readily purchase and bring to your next battlefield. So without further ado…
Now you might be saying to yourself, “Oh come the fuck on!!” Right? I mean seriously the bow and arrow was great in a bygone era, but it in no way has a place on the modern battlefield. And to you gentle reader I would say that a legend of modern warfare did just such a thing. Mad Jack Churchill took out a Nazi NCO with a longbow during World War II. No, the bow and arrow isn’t just for Rambo on a mission on his own to eliminate sentries before unleashing crew served weapon hell. Nor Legolas of Lord of the Rings fame for mowing down Orken foes while having Dwarven rear security. Or even for rubbing your martial prowess in the face of a corrupt sheriff in Robin Hood style fashion. With the trusty Bow and Arrow, you too can cast your lot into legendary status.
Think about the dread that would come over the enemy as they hear the murderous howl of a chainsaw. The impending doom that would shroud them knowing that at any moment the grinding teeth of your chain saw will rend their flesh from their bones, until the only thing drowning out the horrific sound of the internal combustion roar is their own blood curdling shrieking. We’ve seen chainsaw weapons everywhere from the video game series Gears of War, movies such as Army of Darkness, and book series like Warhammer 40k. Are we going to nerds have all the fun? Or are we going to demand chainsaw bayonets, swords and prosthetics? We already have the technology, and what would be better than giving our wounded warfighters the chance to fight again this time as lumberjacks of doom…….no, Murderjacks. Yeah, Murderjacks.
Quite frankly we just need jetpacks. I’ve never heard or allowed myself to hear a good reason why we shouldn’t have jetpacks. Don’t want to assault climb? Great, you don’t have to. Jetpack that son of a bitch. Evac isn’t going to happen and it’s too hot, just jetpack it to better location. You’re being overrun, jetpack it and, while you’re at it, burn the motherfuckers up. The options are pretty much limitless with the jetpack. It’s actually pretty disappointing that DARPA hasn’t given us a jetpack yet. Or they are just hording them, which I can’t really blame them for. After all if I got a jetpack I wouldn’t share it with anyone.
Rocket Shooting Motorcycles
Chuck Norris lied to us all. The Delta Force promised me rocket shooting motorcycles, and my enlistment disappointed. Think how effective it would be if the mobility we already experience with our motorcycles and now give us rockets. Think about the rampant destruction we could sow with such a magical tool under our thighs. (That’s exactly what she said) I could say more but I think this image can do more justice than my words can provide.
The Golden Gun
You might recall this from the James Bond film “The Man with the Golden Gun” or the video game “007 Golden Eye.” The Golden Gun is a one shot one kill wrecking crew. Armed with Golden Guns we would be unstoppable. No longer would we have to focus on shot grouping, or bother with physics. All you have to do is hit the target anywhere. Just shoot em and roll on, doesn’t matter if it would be just a irritating flesh wound of just a simple graze. No more constant training to get to sub MOA shooting. Think about the free time you would have. Hell you wouldn’t even have to deploy, just fill a B-52 with the bullets and carpet bomb the ever loving shit out of them. War’s over, ladies and gents.
The tomahawk, the greatest achievement in American war fighting, yet it has been absent in American war and never a issued piece of equipment. This travesty can go on no longer. Our fighting men and women need the reassurance that once the ammunition has run dry and they dig their feet into brass strewn ground, by their side is the trusty and infallible tomahawk. That once in their hands that instrument of rampant destruction will be their saving grace. The sweet song that will be sung as ax splits skull, and opens chest will be the haunting nightmare of our enemies for generations to come. Nepal’s Ghurkas have had their Kukris for centuries. It is time for our American warfighters to have an equally fabled weapon to wreak havoc on the battlefield and one that matches their tenacity.
What weapon would you like to see added to the inventory?