The Veteran’s Guide to College

By: Mr. Twisted

College: A veteran’s guide to surviving higher education.

After watching the Ranger UP series on getting a job, I figured that another logical step would be to write a few essays on the other route vets may take after leaving the service – college. Though the prestige of higher learning has lost the luster that it had back in our grandparents’ day, most of the reason for that is due to ridiculous raises in tuition in comparison with cost of living and general economic situations. But for those of us who served, this issue is negated by what is still one of the more outstanding benefits for serving.

At some point, nearly everyone reading this has either used the GI Bill, will use it in the future, or knows someone who has. While dealing with the VA should be another article entirely (and most likely will be) this guide serves as an owner’s manual of sorts for those veterans who have not yet attended an institute of higher learning and a reflection – for lack of a better term – for those who have already headed down that road.

Like many veterans, my first college experience was an eye-opener. The lackadaisical attitudes, disrespect, and general misunderstandings about the wars going on (and the world as a whole) were often more painful to experience than my first 12 mile ruck march. But, just like Basic Training, college isn’t “hard” – it just sucks. But if you know some of the ins and outs before hand, the experience can be made much more simple. Here are a few tips to get you through your core classes with a smile.

Math: This was the most intimidating for me going in, simply because I’m not a math guy. Ask me to do a 20 page essay on the reasons why General Patton was successful and I’m all over it. A ten-question algebra quiz, on the other hand, makes me want to tear my eyeballs out. So here’s what you do: equate everything to what you did in the service. For example, one may think that infantry is the furthest thing from math, but they’d be wrong. How do you do land navigation? Using grid coordinates, figuring out azimuths, and plotting points requires some basic mathematical skills. Use that as a starting point. If you have to write a paper, write about how you called in an air strike using your compass and known locations to determine unknown locations. It will either impress the hell out of your instructor or scare the living shit out of them. Either way, they’ll give you a good grade.

Science: Do you know the physics and science that make an AT-4 work? Well, neither does your professor, and researching it will help you relate some stuff you did to the scientific realm, all while seriously impressing that hot girl in your class who thinks rockets are “cool.”

Communications: Yeah, nobody likes giving speeches. But check it out, nobody in a college class will yell at you like your 1SG did at your promotion board, even if you get the maximum effective range of the 240B wrong. Do a speech on how to properly PMCS a vehicle; as long as you stay within the guidelines, the teacher won’t have any idea what to say other than to give you an “A.” Sure, it will be mind-numbingly boring, but don’t kid yourself – you’ve done it a hundred times, know the material back-to-front, and can do it with your eyes closed.

History: Too easy. America started with war, has had several wars in its history, and is at war now. You know all about war because it’s all you’ve been doing for the last ____ years. This class will give you a chance to write about it from a big-picture perspective – just don’t lose the personal perspective and your instructors will love you for it.

English: Funny personal story on this one. My English 101 professor openly admitted to “hating” all things military. She was seriously bent out of shape about all things related to war and told me so to my face, even after I told her I had just gotten out. So, what did I do? The first assignment was a “personal narrative” paper, so I wrote 3 pages on my time at Airborne School.  The next assignment was a “step-by-step process” paper; so, naturally I chose “evaluate and treat a casualty” as my topic. All of my papers carried a theme like that, but I was always careful to follow the instructions to the letter, making it impossible for her to grade me down on any of them. It drove her mad to give me an “A” in the class, but that’s exactly what she had to do.

The point is, your military experience is rife with material that you can use and turn into opportunities to not only make college easier, but expose the brain-dead kids in your class to someone with your background. And believe me, though you may not think that’s a big deal, there aren’t as many of you as you may think floating around the campus. There are certainly a few – and, magically, you will find each other – but inevitably you will be surrounded by people who ask you incredibly stupid questions about war, the military, and all things in between.

In the next installment, we will go over the different personalities a veteran will encounter on the college campus and how to converse with them on a civil level – aka not yelling “do pushups!” at every kid who has his pants too low.

11 Comments

1. 

   Logan F Crooks

   April 1, 2012 at 9:46 pm

   Too freakin’ funny!!! I especially like the English Professor Story.

   Reply
2. 

   Matt Wagner

   April 3, 2012 at 9:21 am

   Strangely enough my step-by-step instructional paper for ENG 101 was “How to construct and employ a flexible linear door entry charge.” My teacher wasn’t anti-military and I didn’t have to write a final draft since my initial was perfect and she had no clue what a flex linear was.

   Reply
3. 

   Rich Johns

   April 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

   Too damn hilarious. I did a paper on the classical steps of an insurgency for my history professor. She HATED that I was a Knuckle-dragging former SF heavy weapons 11Chuck.
   But she used MY paper (I found out later) as an example to the brain-dead high schoolers and part-time college prep students she had after I graduated from my Community College.

   And I got to be a ‘terrorist’ for one of my Admin of Justice classes on hostage negotiation. I escaped the cordon, twice. Killed three ‘police officer’ classmates and managed to get my escape vehicle and hostage off the campus…almost! But I went out in a (simulated) blaze of glory. (Bon Jovi)

   At the AAR, Err, I mean ‘debrief’, all my classmates asked me how I knew what was going on in the ‘TOC’ how did I manage to ‘sabotage’ the power and CCTV cameras and how long I had thought about the escape and planned my counterattacks on the cordon. “I did it all off the cuff,” I said. “No Way!” they said. Then I walked up to the Whiteboard and diagramed out my strategy.
   “WHAT did you DO in the military?”
   “I was in an Army Special Forces Group.” Silence in the classroom. “Glad you are on our side!” one junior college student said from the back of the classroom.
   I smiled at the whiteboard. “Yeah, TODAY I am!”
   Some days (and in some PLACES) you CANNOT say THAT out loud. LMBO.
   Rich Johns
   SF 79-98 Hvy Wpns, Intel, Team Sergeant
   Security Contractor ’03-Present
   Baghdad, Iraq

   Reply
4. 

   El Jeffe

   April 3, 2012 at 10:17 am

   Looking from the outside in, as a ignerint civilian, I can attest that any time I see military acronyms, my huevos instantly shrivel and my main focus becomes trying not to reflect that with my facial expression.

   Reply
5. 

   Scorpion

   April 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

   Not all of us are braindead kids. Most are, but not all. I certainly try not to be one. Nevertheless this was a good read.

   Reply
6. 

   Victoria

   April 4, 2012 at 7:00 pm

   This is great advice that I wish I had when I was going in to college. I didn’t figure out how to relate my military experience to classwork. Once I found the connection school became much easier. I encourage anybody ACAPing to strongly consider this advice!

   Reply
7. 

   Mr. Twisted

   April 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

   Rich Johns,

   Absolutely awesome story.

   Reply
   • 

     Rich Johns

     April 26, 2012 at 1:58 am

     Mr. Twisted: I wish I had read your ‘How-to’ when I went to college. Took me three years to get my Associates Degree, working in the VA office at school and taking classes.
     Now I think it would be ‘interesting’ to go back…..I finished my degree in 2000 and worked at DARPA, the Pentagon (rebuilding secure rooms) and for the last nine years as a Security Contractor in various places in Iraq. Going home in 10 days, my last child (the ‘baby’ girl), is graduating from college.
     Keep at it, I love your college scenes.
     RJ Sends

     Reply
8. 

   Mel Maguire

   April 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

   I’m a lesbian. I’m also politically VERY conservative. I had a Speech instructor much like your English professor – very open about hating the war, the military, spoke openly about how she wishes more troops would die, that sort of thing. I don’t talk politics in class, but it’s glaringly obvious that I’m a lesbian so she took a rapid liking to me. I think she assumed that I was a flaming liberal.

   One day, another of my military classmates (he was still in the reserves and had deployed three times) finally spoke up about his perspective. This particular instructor was very passive-aggressive – she’d let you speak your mind, then she’d bait you with some outrageous question (“so, how do you justify following orders?”) and hope that eventually your head would explode.

   After that conversation, she decided to give us all an assignment: make a speech about a military-related topic. The topic was hers to pick, and she immediately locked eyes with me and said, “Mel, I’d like you to give us a speech about the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy!”

   Now, I’m glad it has been repealed, even if I agree that there are plenty of reasons for straight soldiers to be concerned about the repeal. She had stomped on my last nerve and given it a good twist that day, though, so I turned into a little shit on her. I have an impassioned speech about why DADT should be upheld.

   She never said another word about military issues in class again.

   Reply
9. 

   Mr. Twisted

   April 5, 2012 at 5:12 pm

   Mel,

   Too funny.

   And I have to say that you have, without question, the coolest profile pic of anyone on here.

   Reply
10. 

    Joseph

    May 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

    “This particular instructor was very passive-aggressive – she’d let you speak your mind, then she’d bait you with some outrageous question (“so, how do you justify following orders?””)

    I love that part of Mel’s story, when I compare it to my own experience that quote only reinforces the irony of academia and liberalism’s assertions that all soldiers are mindless automatons incapable of thinking for themselves. I say this because the “how do you justify following orders?” remark is one I’ve heard from a variety of liberals and anti-war mongers as I like to call them in the past — talking points are just ever so fun!

    I’ve found two responses to the “following orders” quandary that seem guaranteed to infuriate whoever has asked you the question.

    1. (If a college professor asks you how you justify following orders) “Question: How do you justify issuing orders?” Appropriate response to irate and or frustrated demands that you explain your (rhetorical) question: An order is an instruction given to you by an authority figure to carry out a specific task attended by conditions and constraints etc. on participation and or completion, it is not optional however unless force is employed to ensure that the order is followed you may disobey. Disobedience to the “order” will result in negative consequences which are generally disproportionate to the positive consequences which attend completion of the order.

    I.E. by assigning me an essay on topic — X you have given me the order, I don’t have to carry it out, however if I do not I will receive a poor grade. Thus you have issued an ORDER. So, how do you justify issuing orders professor?”

    2. (Pretty much anyone, college professor, whoever really.) “Question: How do you justify obeying THE Law?”

    These are great because you effectively allow your harasser to bait your trap with the bait which had been intended for you. And pretty much even the most hopeless private actually DOES have a legitimate and well thought out answer to the question of why they obey orders the people who throw such things in our faces in an attempt to bully/belittle us in order to gain some kind of personal edification from dumb-ass college students is completely incapable of quickly reasoning out complex moral dilemmas without the aid of talking points, none of which, mercifully seem to take irony and or hypocrisy into consideration.

    Enjoy

    Joseph Capricci
    SPC, USA

    Reply