On Rape
by Nick Palmisciano We need to step up. All of us....
The Texas Question
By Rob
Updated: January 22, 2013
By Jack Mandaville
I remember our vehicle coming to a slow halt right as our company’s column crossed over the Kuwaiti border from Iraq. Any of you who have made that drive from Iraq to Kuwait know that exact moment when you cross that line—like crossing from Tijuana into San Diego: the air becomes instantly cleaner, a sense of safety blankets you, and the hordes of children trying to peddle cheaply made goods disappears. Since our platoon was bringing up the rear of the long file, I had a perfect view of everything going on in front of us.
None of us understood why our company commander wanted to halt the company at the border, so we waited in awkward silence for a few minutes until a call came over the company net: “I need all Texas Marines to dismount and join the CO at his vehicle.”
Like a violent swarm of biblical locust, Marines and Sailors from our company wildly jumped from their respective vehicles and ran up to the front of the column. Even my vehicle, which carried three crewmen and four riflemen in the back, lost three of our Marines to this request. The rest of us were left to sit in the vehicle and stare at each other with confused looks about what was going on.
After a few more minutes, as I sat in the underbelly of our vehicle, my vehicle commander got on the intercom. “Holy shit, Mandaville. Pop up and check this shit out.”
What I saw was a few dozen American Marines and Sailors posing with a gigantic Texas flag, smiling as one of the non-Texans reluctantly snapped pictures with numerous cameras that had been handed to him. All I could do was stare at my vehicle commander with one of those Oh, God, the Texans are at it again faces.
Our commanding officer, who was a Texas A&M graduate, was all too eager to highlight the presence of the Lone Star caste. (Anyone who knows anything about Texas can tell you that A&M alumni are, arguably, the most rabidly loyal fans in America—the collegiate equivalent of Raider fans… except A&M folks are educated and lack felony criminal records.)
This little photo op, while not the first time I witnessed grandstanding from these folks, really solidified the notion that Texans are a separate breed of American. Like the Lacedaemonians of Ancient Greece, they live as a fiercely independent people within a larger culture… or, to put it in a modern geopolitical context, like French-speaking Canadians living in Canada. It’s one of those things you come to both respect and despise.
For normal Americans like me, you never expect someone to say, “We need all Minnesotans to make their way up to the front of the column for a picture… and bring a state flag with you.” All three of us would have been a little perplexed by that kind of request. But this was nothing out of the ordinary for a Texan. Their pack has numbers and, moreover, an unbridled desire to let the world know where they’re from.
They assertively carry their banners with them like rebel flag bearers marching towards Ziegler’s Grove, get the Gonzales Flag and other inside symbols tattooed all over their bodies, celebrate their state’s independence from Mexico on March 2nd like Mexicans celebrate their independence from France on May 5th (… And, for that matter, like the French celebrate their independence from themselves on July 14th), and view their geographical location the same way the Chinese view theirs: like it’s the center of the universe. Minnesotans are simply happy when people pick up on their Mighty Ducks references.
And now, nine years after that grandiose photo op took place, I’ve found myself living among these people—not as an active-duty Marine sharing space with them in Iraq or a Southern California military installation, but on their home turf: Texas. Within four years I’ve lived in three distinctly different parts of the state: Austin (the capitol and political hub of Texas), San Antonio (the historical and cultural heart of Texas), and Midland (guns, oil, and tumbleweed).
Now, a major reason I moved down here in the first place was because I was convinced to do so by quite a few guys I served with. They’re still some of my best friends and a large reason why I stick around. Yet they constantly like to remind me that I’ll never be a true Texan because I wasn’t born and raised here. I can wear the ostrich boots, drink Shiner, say “ya’ll” and “fixin’ to,” and marry me a big butt, big haired Texas woman, but I’ll still never be considered a true Texan. That’s fine by me, considering I’d get to join the ranks of other non-true Texans like Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, William Travis, the overwhelming majority of the other Alamo defenders (minus the nine Tejanos who were real Texans), Sam Houston, Bush 41 and—dare I say—43, Jerry Jeff Walker, RU contributor Antonio Aguilar, and Kinky Friedman.
It was Davy Crockett’s famous words to his fellow Tennessee legislators that made him such a hero for many non-true Texans, like myself: “You can all go to hell and I will go to Texas.” That’s certainly more attractive than my last words to my Minnesota friends before I hightailed it out of there: “You may all enjoy your hotdish and lutefisk, for I will be eating barbeque and Mexican food.”
That being said, I’ve happily taken the role as an outside observer. I reside here, love this place, and love the people, but I’ll never be one of them. And that’s okay. I’ve come to accept that fact and, trust me; it’s almost as liberating as an alcoholic completing his or her first of the twelve steps.
So what makes a Texan a Texan? Perhaps only they can answer that. Luckily for me, I served in the United States Military, which brought me in contact with more Texans than I can count. And now that I’ve been here a few years I’ve gotten to know even more of them—I even became friends with the awful bastards. I sent out an APB via email asking them—in ONE sentence—what it means to be a Texan.
Here’s a selected list of the responses:
• Apolonio Hernandez: “To me, being a Texan means that I am better than most Americans.”
• Jason Skinner: “Being blessed with being born in the Lone Star State means I’m entitled to tell everyone all the time how much better Texas is.”
• George Armendariz: “It’s a pride that is similar to being a Marine grunt.” (Now, many of you may be thinking my friend George has the tamest comment thus far, but if you know anything about Marine infantrymen, he has just cunningly flexed his pride on two fronts.)
• JR Lyon: “It means I get to be annoying as fuck about being a Texan when I’m drunk and out of state.”
… You get the point.
This is the kind of stuff I’ve been hearing—if you count my enlistment in the Marine Corps—for ten years now. Perhaps the most unabashed example of Texas pride I’ve ever heard came from the most unlikely source.
When I first moved to San Antonio I immediately began a relationship with a woman who, by the end of our relationship, had an eight year old daughter. She was a good kid. The only problem was she had been indoctrinated by the Texas public school system for three years.
My ex had her parents in town from Kansas City one year. Her mother was an English expatriate who had been living in the States for about thirty-five years or so. As we sat around the dinner table, the little one spoke.
“Nanna, why do you talk like that?” She asked.
“What do you mean, darling?” Nanna responded.
“Why do you talk with that funny voice?”
“This is English, darling. I’m speaking it the way English people speak it.”
Then the little girl looked her grandmother straight in the eyes and responded in a snarky tone that only eight year old girls are capable of: “… Well, it’s not Texas-English.”
(To her credit, she managed to avoid saying, “it ‘ain’t’ Texas-English.”)
Most people might get a hearty laugh from this kind of childish retort. Not me. That little girl summed up, in five words, the attitude of every Texan I had ever met in the Marine Corps and, furthermore, inadvertently answered the question, “Why are Texans the way they are?”
You’ll never meet a group of people in the Western World who have been more programmed from day one to regard their home with such reverence. It’s not just the public schools or what they hear in the home, either. The American marketing industry has found it worth spending the extra money to Texify their advertising campaigns in the state. There are little things you’ll notice on numerous consumer products. Copenhagen puts out Texas Edition lids. Dairy Queen ends its radio ditties with, “DQ… that’s what I love about Texas.” Hell, just the other day I saw a Bud Light billboard on the side of the freeway that had the outline of Texas plastered on one of the bottles. That kind of subliminal catering will catch up to someone after a while—leaving them with a superiority complex that could humble a North Korean… or a Marine.
Anyone who has served in the American Armed Forces is fully aware of the Texan presence within it. We can’t avoid that fact even if we wanted to. They’re bigger braggarts about it than John Kerry was about his four Purple Hearts. (At least you can confirm if someone is truly from Texas, though.) However, as the old saying goes, “Perception is reality.” Being constantly bombarded with Texas pride always gave me the idea that they’re the only people in the military who carry a large burden, regarding numbers. Yet we can all agree that Californians also share a large portion of the load. But since you’ll rarely see a Californian outbrag a Texan, it’s hard to break certain long-held beliefs.
The only boastful things you’ll see from Californians is the occasional beach bum with a NorCal bumper sticker and SoCal cholos with LA Dodger symbols tattooed all over their bodies. But then again, I’ve seen plenty of Texas cholos with Dallas Cowboy symbols tattooed across their bodies.
All the same, let’s not beat around the bush, folks. Texans have more to brag about than Californians. The current financial state of Texas is eerily similar to the economic boom Californians enjoyed shortly after WWII. What’s even more eerie is the current amount of Californians flooding into Texas. They’re getting’ the hell out of dodge and, in the process, bringing their voting record with them. (The fact they fucked up an economy with endless potential should alarm all native and non-true, non-Californian Texans alike.) I give it fifty years before we see an exodus of Texas license plates making their way into, I don’t know, North Dakota. I hear Bismarck has some potential.
But I’m stickin’ it out here for the time being. Something about this place has me in a stranglehold. Maybe it’s the drive-thru liquor stores or maybe, just maybe, I’ve found myself in awe of these people.
I suppose I’ll have to accept the fact I’ll be perennially relegated to second-class citizenship in the State of Texas. That’s okay with me, though. I’d rather be an identified observer and friend like Jane Goodall than vainly go undercover and have disastrous results like The Grizzly Man. If I’m ever asked to take a picture of a group of Texans, I’ll do it with an enthusiastic smile.
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Douche of the Week: The Woman Who Evicted Her Father
Heavy Metal 34
January 22, 2013 at 10:20 am
*In the Voice of Wolf The Dentist: “iIT’s THA GOOALIEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Tony
January 22, 2013 at 11:35 am
My grandmother was born in Brownsville. Whenever anyone heard her very thick Mexican accent and asked her where she was from, she would fiercely reply, “America, just like you!” She was no hyphenated American and flew the Stars and Stripes faithfully. However… the Texas thing. The one thing that challenged her allegiance to America was her pride in being a Texan. When she and my grandfather opened a restaurant here in Ohio over 40 years ago, it didn’t feature Mexican food, it featured “Brownsville, Texas-style cooking.” I have no idea what the difference is, but she was adamant about the distinction. Don’t Mess With Texas!
Rick
January 22, 2013 at 12:54 pm
Brownsville, Texas Style cooking! NICE! I’m from the Ville!
Tammy
January 22, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Imagine Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob – Whut you say about Texas? Its Texan first, American second. I was born and raised here! I love Texas but hate Austin – too many hippies and libtards! Don’t mess with Texas or you will get hurt!
Jack Mandaville
January 22, 2013 at 8:10 pm
It’s too bad you feel that way about Austin, Tammy. A lot of those libtards are an important part of Texas’ current economic success, though. Also, from what I’ve seen, that area is quickly becoming a gathering point for a lot of great writers, actors, entrepreneurs, business innovators, young professionals, etc. This is not only good for Austin, but the state in general. Some of the finest Texans out there call Austin their home–both liberal and conservative. I bet you would have liked Leslie, too.
Just Plain Jason
January 22, 2013 at 12:41 pm
I remember my first time driving through Texas, I saw a sign that said “Drive Friendly the Texas way.” I like Texas the few times I have been there and I like most of the Texans I have met.
Mr. Twisted
January 22, 2013 at 12:43 pm
Jack,
Out. Frackin’. Standing. As usual.
This is a question I have wondered about many times.
Jack
January 22, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Gracias, Senor Twisted. Come on down and I’ll but you a Shiner… or its mouth-breathing cousin: Lone Star.
Jake
April 29, 2013 at 4:40 pm
Hey, now! Lone star was an important part of my college life (it was seventy-five cents for a pint at the local bar). I eventually formed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome with that thin, golden liquid.
Dan
January 22, 2013 at 12:50 pm
I’ve served on three continents and four oceans now and whenever anyone has asked me where I was from I’ve always said, “Texas.” I’ve never had to explain where that was either.
Dan
January 22, 2013 at 1:00 pm
Honor the TEXAS flag;
I pledge allegiance to thee,
Texas, one and indivisible.
Clay Smith
January 22, 2013 at 1:00 pm
It’s okay to not be born in Texas, since you eventually decided to come here. Call yourself a ‘Texan’…just not “Native Texan”.
Ray Murphy
January 22, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Yep. That about sums it up. Maybe when I die, they’ll bury me there.
Michael
January 22, 2013 at 2:00 pm
Imagine being from West Virginia where we have the highest ratio of people who join the military, I remember my first day at basic when the DS yelled asking where his “hillbilly” was and that I better be able to shoot. Haha
Michael
January 22, 2013 at 2:01 pm
Imagine being from West Virginia where we have the highest ratio of people who join the military, I remember my first day at basic when the DS yelled asking where his “hillbilly” was and that I better be able to shoot. Haha. I did enjoy my time in Texas but it isn’t as good as Almost Heaven West Virginia.
Ross - South Texas
January 22, 2013 at 2:16 pm
Texas born and Texas bred, and when I die I’ll be Texas dead!
Amy
January 22, 2013 at 2:55 pm
I wasn’t born in TX, but I got here as fast as I could. I just passed up the anniversary where I have officially been a Texan longer than I was a Californian. Texas is in my soul, and it’s where I’m meant to be. God blessed Texas with his own hands….
Hellsmer
January 22, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Yep, Texas and Texans are Awesome! I should know, seeing at I am one!
And don’t let your Texas friends fool you, everyone goes native who moves to Texas!
Jessa
January 22, 2013 at 3:21 pm
I was born in Texas and have lived here all but 10 months of my life. It is a wonderful place to live! We “Native Texans” don’t mind you calling yourself a Texan. Being born and raised in Texas isn’t the only thing that makes a person a Texan…like a line from a Roger Creager song “it’s a feeling I get”. Welcome to Texas, my fellow Texan friend!
Phelps
January 22, 2013 at 3:31 pm
I’ll let you in on the secret. You’re second class for as long as you believe it. Texas isn’t a place. It’s a state of mind that infused itself into a place. The grass is greener because we will it that way. It’s like Ireland. If you are Irish, then everywhere is Ireland. If you are a Texan, everywhere is Texas. And the only thing keeping you from joining either group is your own mind, not an accident of geography.
And now the old story. A boy was on a trip out of state with his father from the Hill Country. They passed an man, and he sort of reminded the boy of a man from home. He asked him, “are you from Texas?”
The father cuffed his boy, and told, “son, never ask a man if he’s from Texas.”
“Why not, pop?”
“Because if he is from Texas, he’ll tell you, and if he’s not, there’s no point in embarrassing him.”
Jessa
January 22, 2013 at 3:33 pm
Let me start by saying WELCOME TO TEXAS!!! Being a “Native Texan”, I have no problem with you calling yourself a Texan. Being a Texan isn’t just about being born and raised here. It’s a feeling, a sense of pride and devotion you’re willing to show and give. It’s the bumper sticker that says ” I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could”. You’re article brought tears to my eyes. Thank you! You have shown me that no matter how much people continue to disappoint, I can boast with pride over my fellow Texans showing their devotion and love for their glorious state!
Inebriated Lemming
January 22, 2013 at 4:24 pm
“Like the Lacedaemonians of Ancient Greece[...]”
For me there is no “like” about it. My folks came to Texas from Laconia, where as near as we can tell they’d been living since God had some rocks left over, threw ‘em away, and they became Greece.
Nick
January 22, 2013 at 5:06 pm
I’m very proud to say I was born and raised in Houston. I’m very proud to say, as a latino, I can trace my ancestry back to the 16th century and the Spanish colonization of Texas. I’m very proud to serve my country, and my state, and when people read my last name and start with the beaner cracks I clarify it for them. Technically I am a Mexican, but my family didn’t cross no border, the border crossed them. I’m not just Texan, I’m a direct decendant of the founding clans and I will gladly carry that distinction with me, no matter where I serve, where I live, or where I die. When my time comes, unless Uncle Sam reserves a spot for me in Arlington, and even still I’ll likely say no, my body goes back where it came from, the Texas soil. Any Texan will tell you, that is our circle of life.
As for Aggies, no institution commissions more officers into the US Military annually than Texas A&M, that includes all 3 service academies. I’ve served with Ivy leaguers, Naval Academy grads, West Pointers, Citadel, VMI, each of them produce some great officers. But Texas A&M produces a product entirely different, and wholly superior in so many cases it is impossible to ignore. God Bless the Aggie Corps, may her standards never faulter. The only creature more loyal than a Marine is an Aggie. And this is coming from a Longhorn.
God Bless Texas!
Ben Ruston
January 22, 2013 at 5:44 pm
Texas doesn’t have 8,000 ft spline mountains and hidden valleys. I can’t think of a single place where you don’t need air conditioning in summer. But it’s my home and I would die defending her.
James Thorn
January 22, 2013 at 10:27 pm
Love the French-Canaian and California refrences. It really hit home as I am a native Texan married to a French-Canadian and our son was born in Long Beach, CA. We have lived in Austin for 10 years now and she would not live anywhere else!My son is 50% of both and born in CA but if you ask him he is 100% Texan first. Oh yeah, I crossed that same border at Navstar and K-Crossing.
Caleb
January 22, 2013 at 10:48 pm
ooofda Ive been wondering why Texans are that way for a while
leftoftheboom
January 22, 2013 at 11:20 pm
Why are Texans the way we are?
Republic of Texas. nuff said.
Lonnie
January 23, 2013 at 1:50 am
As a humble born and bred Texican, I must congratulate you on the best article I have read to date on the Rhino Den. I even had to read it to my wife who I imported from Chicago. She was in total agreement.
doran
January 23, 2013 at 9:02 am
I’m a Texan and my kids are Native Texans
MARC
January 23, 2013 at 11:17 am
GOD BLESS TEJAS
Terry
January 23, 2013 at 11:31 am
So, a few years ago I’m in Paris (the French one, not the Texas one) and I’m an early riser. I’ve got my copy of the Herald Tribune and I’m sitting at a corner bistro having my morning coffee and reading the paper. Next to me are two older Frenchmen, both reading their own separate copies of Le Figaro and cursing the stupidity of French and American politicians. They were obviously regulars, and by the way the help treated them they may have been the owners of the place. One of them noticed the English language paper I was reading and asked, with a slight amount of Parisian distain, if I was, in fact, an American? I replied,”In a manner of speaking, I’m actually from Texas.” “Texas?” “Yep, Fort Worth.” Total Change in Attitude. Suddenly I had two new Best Friends and we spent the next two hours drinking coffee and discussing the shortcomings of politicians and bureaucrats, both foreign and domestic. So there you go. Being a Texan gets you Respect. Even from a couple of crusty old Parisians
Antonio Aguilar
January 23, 2013 at 6:47 pm
Texas, ‘Murica!
Matt
January 24, 2013 at 1:33 am
Saying I’m a Texan is second in pride to saying I’m a veteran, and I’m FIERCELY proud of both of those facts.
WHOOP!
Chewtoy
January 24, 2013 at 6:35 pm
We’re moving to Texas from Cali as soon as the kit is out of high school.
We are educated, productive, conservative Americans, so we don’t fit in very well here. We promise not to Californicate the place.
SPC Demotable
January 28, 2013 at 10:42 am
As much as I hate to say it, I miss Texas. I’m a born-and-bred SoCal boy, and proud of it. I could spend all day and night talking about Texas, but I could spend the rest of my natural life talking about California. Texas has its moments and talking points, but I will never call myself anything other than a Californian. I hate the Raiders with a fiery passion, and root for the Chargers every game. I love and miss the beach, the food, the people, and the weather.
Texas is great, but it’s not the best.
Apolonio Hernandez
January 29, 2013 at 7:16 pm
Again Jack, you have supplied another great article!
Michael
January 30, 2013 at 6:31 am
Lyle Lovett has a song that explains this perfectly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMhaehb5AnE
SPC Hudec
January 30, 2013 at 11:01 am
When I was on my last deployment on my humvee we had a Texas flag flying from the left antenna (because I was the driver) and a New York flag flying from the right antenna (because my gunner was from Albany) when my XO who was from California said what about Cali, both my gunner and I replyed “screw Cali!”. San Antonio is my home and god bless Texas.
JAG
January 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm
My g-g-great grandfather was an officer at San Jacinto. Other ancestors were native American. If you were born here, you know. If you come from somewhere else, welcome. We need all the people intelligent enough to realize they need to be here. Remember you are in the land of free citizens and leave your chains and whines at the border. You are what you are willing to make of yourself once you are here.
Soon enough we may be free of encumbrances from outside the Republic.
Enjoy you life as a respectable and free human.
J Saupp
February 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm
Proud to be a “Texas-American”. Welcome to our Great State.
Though we are happy that people from blue states are rushing here, we have to ask them to slow it down;
The TX Secretary of State is having a hard time processing all of the requests for a Visa.
Tom
February 20, 2013 at 6:39 am
I think it was Thomas Jefferson who said it, “I am a Vriginian first, and an American second.” It’s how I feel, though I’ve been transplanted twice. I was born and raised in North Carolina, moved to Michigan, and then to Tennessee. I’m a resident of Tennessee, I call it home, it’s where most of my Amreican heritage is. I am a Tennessean first, and an American second. I had two of the most memorable and unpleasant experiences of my life in Texas, specifically San Antonio, and count many Texans among my friends. I admire Texas, being one of the last unabashed pillars of Southern and American pride in the country. Won’t stop me from poking fun at ‘em every now and then…
Amber
March 5, 2013 at 4:21 pm
I’m a native Texan but have lived in Oklahoma for over 10 years. I’ve caught a lot of flak from my native Okie friends for it, but never stopped being proud of being a Texan. And I’m sorry, but I will never be an Okie.
Honestly, I think it’d be cool if everyone was proud of where they come from. Maybe not as proud as if they were from Texas, since Texas is still the best and all that…
But in the sense that they love their home and want to keep it awesome and even make it better.
Yes, the large influx of Californians in Texas concerns me, but I’m hoping we’ll be a good influence on them instead of the other way around. And not all Californians are dumb or super-liberal. My fiance (who is in the military) is from Northern California. In fact, I think he puts it best when discussing Texas vs. California: “Texas is the best state, and California is the best state in the Union.” He understands us well.