The Rhino Den Guide to Avoiding Workplace Violence
by Paul J. O’Leary
We live in what increasingly seems to be a more violent world where workplace violence and the continued proliferation of Nickelback and Justin Bieber music coming from Sarah’s cubicle present a constant threat. So, following the lead of such great training organizations as Tim Kennedy’s Sheepdog Response, I decided to do my part and create a handy primer for getting the upper hand in avoiding workplace violence.
- Establish Dominance. Colloquially known as “prison rules”, the practice of establishing dominance means exactly that – set your self up as the Office Alpha to avoid or minimize future conflict. There are a number of ways to accomplish this, but here at the Rhino Den, we prefer the classic approach.
While I wouldn’t necessarily encourage actual violence, I am a true believer of the theory that the threat of violence is often more effective than the actual violence itself. Just find the senior person in your office, preferably a supervisor of manager, and calmly state, “I’m going to be in my cubicle. If any of you annoying little fuck nuts bothers me for anything other than fresh coffee, I’m going to fuck someone up.” Then just go to your desk. You’ll be amazed at the solitude.
- Create Distance. Similar to doing so in a physical altercation, creating the appropriate distance is key in becoming the Office Alpha. You’ve already established a baseline with the dominance piece we discussed in item 1, but now you need to maintain that. As you get up and walk to the coffee machine or the smoke break area, make sure to engage in positive eye contact. Some would suggest avoiding eye contact, but that’s poppycock – to maintain your status as the Office Alpha, you have to initiate eye contact. Not just casual looking, either. You need to glare at your co-workers. Stare aggressively into their weak-kneed souls until their blood runs as cold as yesterday’s coffee. Consider adding a low-toned growl. Hold this eye contact until your co-worker has walked past you…or, better yet, broken eye contact themselves like the scared little bitch you know they are.
- Drink at Work. Not just coffee or bottled water, but full on alcohol consumption. Why not? Some guides might suggest using vodka because it is less noticeable on the breath. I love vodka, but let’s focus on the mission. We’re trying to establish a presence here, so hiding in the shadows is not the best course of action. I recommend getting a canteen cup and a bottle of Leadslinger’s Whiskey and leaving them in plain site. Don’t get falling down, commode hugging drunk, but keep a healthy buzz going. In addition to the visual impact this creates, it will accomplish a couple helpful things for you, including alleviating any remaining inhibitions in case you need to slap the shit out a co-worker or dos in your ongoing efforts to avoid workplace violence.As an alternative to the whiskey, you can always opt for something more old school like red wine guzzled from an animal skin or human skull. Remember, don’t be afraid to be bold with your optics!
- Open Carry. I am generally not a fan of open carrying firearms, but it works beautifully in this case. Don’t ask permission or anything, just walk into your place of employment carrying a firearm. Preferably a large, menacing one. You can go full-sized pistol or rifle…or go all in and carry both! And don’t say a word about it.If someone does ask about it, be sure and give a vague, ominous answer like, “You’ll see, Todd. You’ll see.”
- Plan a Coup. Finally, the ultimate way to avoid workplace violence is to just take over the kingdom yourself and set your own rules and expectations. There are a number of ways you can go on this. You can opt for the bloodless corporate takeover, which is less dramatic, but also involves a whole lot less legal implications. Or you can go full George R.R. Martin and leave the cubicle walls coated in blood with the head of Reggie from Purchasing on a stake at the entrance to the fitness center. When it comes to staging a coup, you are really only limited by your imagination and your audacity, so go crazy with this one and have a good time.We recommend reading Machiavelli’s book, The Prince, or Simon Mann’s Cry Havoc.
I hope this has been a helpful guide that will enrich your employment experience and keep you safe from the petty annoyances of the day-to-day grind that is 21st Century corporate America.
Final thoughts from Nick Palmisciano, founder and CEO of Ranger Up: Do us both a favor and don’t fucking follow any of this maniac’s “advice”. Seriously. I only keep this guy on because of some dirt he has on Jack Mandaville that involves…well, our lawyers have said not to comment publicly on it. Anyway, you get the point. Ranger Up assumes no liability if you take this idiot’s ideas seriously. You’re only going to get fired, get your ass beat, or end up in jail. Don’t say you weren’t warned. Instead, why don’t you check out Range 15 – available now on Amazon and iTunes! ~ Nick.