RTFU

The Perfect Order to Watch the Star Wars Movies

By
Updated: December 14, 2015

 

By Nick Palmisciano

There are a lot of articles out there about the right order to watch the previous six Star Wars movies prior to getting out and watching The Force Awakens on Thursday, but I believe I have the perfect solution for you.  Here goes.

  1. Watch Episode 4: A New Hope.

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  2. Watch Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back
  3. Watch Episode 6: Return of the Jedi
  4. Check your movie shelf. If you own episodes one, two or three, then smash them with a fucking hammer and remove any thought of them from your mind.

I tell everyone the same thing.  Those new movies were the biggest letdown of my movie watching career.  They were total piles of shit.  They couldn’t stand on their own, despite having tremendous actors in every role because the script was just that bad, and the whole series was essentially one man’s narcissistic special effects ride.

And that’s when people invariably say, “Yeah, they sucked, but Episode 3 wasn’t that bad.”

Episode 3 wasn’t that bad?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Chili Mac was my favorite MRE, but now that I’m a civilian sitting on my couch, you will never see me eating it.  Do you know why?  Because MREs suck, and I’ll never eat them again, just as I will not watch 1-3.

You’re telling me that a dude who has pretty much been a beacon of good except for a little self-doubt and lack of discipline over a really hot chick is going to go from Jedi Knight to murdering hundreds of eight-year-olds because a creepy guy who he doesn’t even totally trust tells him his wife is probably going to die if he doesn’t?  That’s “not that bad”?

Guess what?  It’s pretty fucking bad.  The only reason we all say, “Episode 3 wasn’t that bad,” is because Episodes 1 and 2 were that much fucking worse.  They are so bad that it should be a law that if a man quotes Jar Jar Binks in public, you should be able to kick him in the nuts without penalty.

And that brings me to the fifth thing you should do after watching 4-6 and ensuring 1-3 are eliminated from your life: make sure you have good loyal friends who are assholes and will always be assholes regardless of how much success you have.

The more successful you are, the more flagellators will show up.  They tell you you’re great.  They make you feel good.  They make you feel important and creative and all that jazz.  They’re worthless.  You need the guys and gals who will tell you suck in your life.

George Lucas made three brilliant movies from 1977-1984.  They transcended all age groups and brought us to a magical place with incredible characters and a mesmerizing story.  He was rightly lauded for his success.  No one had ever done anything like it, and I’m not sure anyone ever will again.

But then he made three more movies, and despite making a lot of money, fans roundly rejected them as shitty shells of the movies he once made.  And he got so snotty and huffy over that rejection that he punished fans even more by changing the old movies we loved to show us all that they were “his” movies and not “ours.”

It should have never come to this point.  He should have had buddies that said, “Bro, this script fucking sucks. It’s dogshit.”  That way he could have gotten all mad at them, and then pouted, and then gotten over it, and then hired a real writer, and none of this shit would have happened.  But he didn’t, so the first time his shitty movies got exposed was to the entire world, and then his ego couldn’t handle it, and here we are.

Thank God for Disney.  They took Marvel and made it unstoppable.  What they’re going to do with Star Wars is even better. And the entire world is excited beyond comprehension.

So don’t even fuck around with 1-3.  Go in clean.

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We remember Guns and Roses for Appetite for Destruction, not Chinese Democracy.

We remember Adam Sandler for Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, not Spanglish.

Let’s remember George Lucas for his original creations, forget his latter day sins, and let Disney take us on the movie ride of a lifetime.

Also, if you see it before me and you spoil it, I’ll probably kill you.

May the Force be with you.

Han shot first.

Comments

comments

One Comment

  1. BS Simon

    December 19, 2015 at 10:36 pm

    Nick,

    I can agree with most of what you said, however it is important that we not forget the totality of shit the crap trilogy were. As such it is necessary to preserve and study, under controlled conditions, the crap prequels,special editions, Droids and Ewok hour, two Ewok direct to video movies, and the Holiday Special, so as to prevent their re-occurrence.

    BS

    PS. I will be dissapointed if, after writing this, you haven’t seen the movie by the end of the first weekend.

    PPS. Sean Bean doesn’t die but Wash does.

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