The People That You Meet: At The Gym

By RU Contributor Solomon G.

Like many Americans, I spent some of my summer days cheering on our fellow countrymen and women as they reminded the world that we are top dogs in several sports. I watched the Olympics with intensity as our American athletes dominated in all the sports that mattered (basically, if we didn’t medal in a sport, the sport didn’t matter).

Actually, I am deployed, so anytime I got a chance to see a TV, it was tuned in to an Olympic event and was being monitored by some serious Olympic sport-groupies. I walked into the TV room one morning and joked about trying to find a pre-season football game… I must have offended the crowd, because I felt like I was lucky to leave the area with my life. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy watching the personal triumphs and the camaraderie in sports, but I had a hard time getting my “rally on” for speed-walking, trampolining or tramping (I made that up, I guess it should be trampoline jumping?) or the ever intense sport of dressage. What is dressage you say? To me, it looked like very rich people, riding very expensive horses in a “horse ballet”, while being judged on several areas of horsemanship. I’m sorry if I’m ignorant, but I just don’t get it. I’m sure if I learned about the sport I would see the glory, but as for now, not so much. So as it stands, the horses and their riders are considered world-class athletes. Yep, a-t-h-l-e-t-e-s.

Well, I guess my idea of athletes is skewed. I grew up playing sports, mostly team sports, nonetheless. After I joined the military, I still played sports for the unit teams and eventually got into combat sports like MMA and Muay Thai. Now, I’m into endurance sports, such as marathons, tris, etc. and I even dabble in this CrossFit craze. I’m no one special, just a guy that likes to stay fit and keep my fitness scores better than the youngin’s in my unit. I may not be a true athlete, but I do consider myself somewhat athletic.

In an effort to remain athletic, I find myself in the base fitness center on the regular. While there, I’ve made some very keen observations…

Observation #1. So, I’m doing some pull ups with my earphones in and I can still hear this guy on the other side of the weight room grunting like a pissed-off rhino as he squeezes out another set of dumbbell curls. Eh, whatever, I don’t judge. Then, I’m dressing out for the shower and I can still hear the grunting over the set of lockers next to me, this time like a bull with some curd stuck in its’ throat. Finally, I’m in the open bay shower and yes, I hear the grunting behind me. WTH! I’m almost too scared to turn around to see what the hell is going on! But I eventually do turn to see the same guy, facing the wall… grunting. I avoid looking his way as I pass through the shower and get dressed. Needless to say, I’m dressed and back to work without issues and thankful that I avoided a “Crying Game” incident.

Observation #2. I’m on the dreadmill (treadmill) for a lunchtime run and notice the guy on the dreadmill next to me, sweating like an Eskimo in the Amazon, for at least 20 minutes. I finish my run and head to the shower to get cleaned up. I’m out of the shower, dressed in my uniform and stuffing my shoes into my bag, when the same guy enters and shacks up in the locker across from mine. He recognizes me from somewhere and strikes up a conversation while he changes. I have no problem with my manhood, but this can get uncomfortable. However, I was thrown for a loop when he took off his sweaty gym clothes and put on his uniform without washing up. Really? Do you really think two puffs of Axe Dark Temptation will cover up the stench of rotten onions and burnt Fritos?

Observation #3: So there I was, once again putting down some miles on the dreadmill, a little after 0500. This dude gets on the treadmill right next to me with a coffee mug full of java. He’s not scared in his camo-lime green spandex top and brown khakis, with what looks like his next child trying to get out of his belly underneath that awesome shirt. I look around and notice that only three of the 40 plus treadmills in the place are occupied, but he has to take up shop next to me. Really? Then he cranks the machine to the highest elevation, grabs on to the rails and starts walking like he’s on the stairway to Heaven. Not done yet… He starts singing out loud to Rick James! The dude looks like a brown Richard Simmons before Weightwatchers…it’s okay though. At least he’s working out…

Observation #4: I’m on my road bike peddling up to the gym. As I ride, several people heading in the same direction pass me, but my eyes are drawn to a nice Audi S4, that seems to be turning into the gym parking lot. I can see the car from a couple hundred yards away, creeping up and down each row, passing open spots at the end of the lot and stalking for a space closest to the gym. I roll up, secure my bike and walk into the building, while this guy is still hunting for a spot 10 feet closer than the spot he just passed. About 5 minutes later, I’m lacing up for a run on the dreadmill, when I hear the S4 driver explain to his workout buddy why he was late. Apparently, the parking lot is packed and there where not available spots… Really? This guy spent all this time looking for a spot close to the gym; when it looks like he could have used the extra mileage from the far end of the parking lot start his cardio work out.

Next time you’re at the gym or wherever you get your work out, take a look around. You may just make some note-worthy observations of your own! That beer-bellied Buddha look-a-like may not be what he seems… He just may be an elite Olympic athlete in a bizarre sport you never heard of! The observations will continue…

12 Comments

1. 

   Maricela

   October 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

   This is hilarious…

   Reply
2. 

   Durham

   October 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm

   All the real Olympic sports, those not petitioned in, are based on the martial skills. Dressage is based on cavalry parading, a once useful skill not in much demand anymore.

   Reply
3. 

   Alex

   October 4, 2012 at 6:10 pm

   Don’t forget the doucher who comes in wearing nothing but designer clothes and spends most of his time talking about his work out routine.

   Reply
4. 

   Adrian

   October 4, 2012 at 6:20 pm

   That’s awesome. But if you want to see really strange and genuinely frightening creatures, join your local Y and work out there…

   Reply
5. 

   Matt

   October 4, 2012 at 6:35 pm

   That person that tries to do Olympic weightlifting. ‘Nuff said.

   Reply
6. 

   Patty Crack N' Pack

   October 4, 2012 at 10:30 pm

   The guys that seem to find it necessary to slam ALL the weights they use in a given session. Chill out, man. It’s only 40 lbs.

   Reply
7. 

   Jeff H

   October 5, 2012 at 8:14 am

   How about the guy who sits on a bench in his hoodie (hood up of course) staring at himself in the mirror for 15 minutes. He’d spend about 30 seconds doing a few presses, then another 5 “resting”. Not making it up, saw that same jack-ass in Afghanistan several times. I’d do a complete circuit on 8 different stations in the time it would take this schmuck to do one set. Either work out or move out!

   Reply
8. 

   Jack

   October 9, 2012 at 10:03 am

   You forgot the weight-dropper. The one who lets his dumbbell or barbell fall uncontrolled to the floor. You know, the idiot that is so hungry for attention that he has to risk injuring himself or others, or possibly damaging equipment so he can get looks of admiration because he’s so friggin’ manly. Or maybe he’s just a damned nuisance…

   Reply
9. 

   Whitey

   October 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

   I always find the guys who do more talking and checking out the women than do actual workouts. They can normally be seen sitting on the bench press not once actually doing a set.

   Reply
10. 

    Jenn

    January 30, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Hilarious! I work with a trainer three days a week and while I’m suffering, he is making almost the exact same observations about the New Year’s resolution guys in the gym. The observations help to make my workouts more bearable

    Reply
11. 

    Petey3

    January 30, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    I used to work at a GYM years ago. Whenever we were working the front desk we would have alot of fun watching the patrons drive around the parking lot for 10 mins to find the closest parking space. All so that they could come in and run on the track.

    Reply
12. 

    Thomas

    January 30, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    My favorites are the ones that have apparently lifted sooo much that they just can’t seem to get the dumbells back to the rack when they are done and the ones that feel the compulsion to share their “talent” by trying to sing or rap the music they are listening to.

    Reply