The Olympics: Ranger Up Style

By Mr. Twisted

Let me begin by making a full disclosure: I have tremendous respect for anyone who made it to the Olympics, regardless of the sport they are competing in. The work ethic needed to rise to the top in any field must be incredibly strong, and the mental fortitude required just making it to that level deserves some recognition, to be sure.

Now, all that being said…let’s be honest and just say it right up front: some of what goes on at the Olympics is just downright boring. There are valid reasons for all of those empty seats in the arenas that you see on NBC’s coverage. In this day and age, people need a little more excitement. And, given the origins of how the Olympics began and what they were, they need to Ranger Up a bit.

So, I encourage you to come up with a plan to make some of these events a tad more thrilling. Following are a few examples I have come up with.

Gymnastics:

Don’t get me wrong, I think gymnasts are probably some of the most physically fit people on the planet. But I’ll risk skewering the sacred cow here and say that most of what goes on in the floor routine looks more like dancing than any kind of sport. There’s an easy fix for that – put two gymnasts from opposing countries on the floor at the same time and make it a race. Fastest competitor to make X number of flips/cartwheels/flying jump kicks/five-finger-death-punches – while remaining conscious – wins.

Gymnastics/Diving:

Tell me the downside of this idea. You know that crazy vault thing that all the gymnasts do where they sprint towards the spring board, hit the horse, and do some crazy flips? How about we put that at the top of the 10 meter diving platform and see who the real competitors are.

Racewalking:

Put a 50lbs ruck sack on competitors’ backs and rename this one “infantry.”

Fencing/Badminton:

Did you know badminton was an Olympic sport? Well, if each of the players had a racket in one hand and a fencing foil in the other you sure would.

Equestrian/Archery:

I’m not even entirely sure what they do in equestrian events because I’ve never had a desire to watch them. Is it a race? Do they see how high they can jump? I’ll probably never know unless they use my idea, which is to pay homage to Genghis Khan and combine horse riding with archery and make it team against team. It’s not violent – it’s historical.

There are several directions this could go, obviously; some of the above could be combined even further (using a real horse in gymnastics and then diving that bad boy off the 10 meter platform is an attractive option to me, as a viewer). Many sports have not been mentioned that certainly should be (team MMA, anyone?), and I haven’t even touched on events like synchronized swimming , which clearly need some guts and power added to it, so I encourage you to share your ideas in the comments.

In Ancient Greece, the original Olympics focused a great deal of attention on combat-related sports. Modern Olympics – in keeping up with the mostly namby-pamby world we live in – have largely neglected that aspect. I say it’s high time some of that be brought back. What say you?

 

 

16 Comments

1. 

   Quickburn

   August 3, 2012 at 10:31 am

   Absolutely! Even add Javelin Dodging while wearing a 50lb rucksack. How about Synchonized Team Room clearing – timed AND accuracy?

   Reply
2. 

   Shambrotta

   August 3, 2012 at 10:37 am

   I think an awesome event would be if the hurdlers were being chased by an opponent with a taser behind them. It would be kinda like the fox and hound runs in the military on steroids with the desire to watch people wipe out as incentive to watch.

   Reply
3. 

   Will Black

   August 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

   I’ve got an easy fix for running events. IEDs along the track. Yeah, we give everyone in the crowd cellphones, but only one or two actually set off the IEDs. A WARLOCK jammer is turned on until the race begins, then we shut the WARLOCK off, everyone hits send, and one lucky, random bastard in the crowd has the magic phone that adds excitement to the otherwise boring event.

   Reply
4. 

   Milt

   August 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

   Maybe man-to-man javelin competition? Could also be a team sport. How about volley-grenades? Could play that on the beach, too. Long time ago when I lived in the desert, we used to shoot at empty propane cylinders while riding dirt bikes – that would get some viewers if the cylinders were full and would fit in with the summer Olympics theme.

   Reply
5. 

   BigCoupland

   August 3, 2012 at 11:12 am

   Olympic Mine Sweeper! First one to find and disarm all 10 mines with out being dismembered gets the Gold!

   Reply
6. 

   LT Z

   August 3, 2012 at 11:16 am

   How about even RU’ing the rifle and pistol by tossing in some smoke, explosions, IED’s and return fire? Oh wait, the USA already kicks ass at that .
   Well then….

   Reply
7. 

   Bad LT

   August 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

   I say we bring back the Hoplite run.

   Reply
8. 

   Josh

   August 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

   200 IM Relay with touch sensitive mines. Of course the swimmers would be blind folded to make it interesting.

   Reply
9. 

   Just A Punk

   August 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

   Olympic Bayonet/knife fighting

   lets make the high dive a little more difficult. You throw your ruck and gear into the pool. Dive into the pool all fancy and shit get your gear and your ruck out of the pool. you are scored on the dive with deductions for every time you surface for air and the amount of time it takes you to complete the event. No sink proofing the gear.

   Reply
10. 

    jody

    August 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    What about that super gay thing they do with the long ribbon tied to a baton where they dance n” prance around spinning it? I’m thinking that whole event would be a lot cooler if it were being performed in a big plexi-glass room full of angry bees and hornets…or maybe perhaps just one bear.

    Reply
11. 

    Casey

    August 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Just bringing back the joust and the melee would go a long ways to making the olympics more awesome

    Reply
12. 

    Froggy

    August 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    How about reversing the Olympic weightlifting program so that the bar is suspended above the lifter and then dropped and caught. The lifter would have to slow it down into the squat phase and then either clean and jerk or snatch it back up from there without the weight hitting the deck. The lifter would get to choose not only the weight attempted, but the height at which the bar was dropped. Extra points may be awarded for attempting to catch a surprise drop within a 30 second window.

    Reply
13. 

    Froggy

    August 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Turn the 100m sprint into the 100m “Dance of the Flaming Assholes”. The runners line up with a petroleum jelly impregnated roll of gauze tucked into the back of their shorts. At the gun, all of these rolls are ignited and the first runner to make it 100m wins. I think we’d see some improved times.

    Reply
14. 

    Andy

    August 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I worked on AAV’s(Amphibious Assault Vehicles) in the Marines. Our community has a few track and field events to add from our Gator Games.

    1) Loose the discus. Bring on the road wheel toss. The wheels are the same one as the Bradley’s have so it is 70+ pounds of steel. Try and toss is with one hand and see what happens.

    2) Instead of throwing Javelins throw tank bars. A 25 pound steel crowbar would make this event a lot harder and more fun to watch. If you drop this you break your foot. ( I also like the idea from Milt about the man to man javelin).

    3)Tug-o-War. Who doesn’t want to see someone drug through the mud.

    4)7-ton truck pull. You think your sprinters are fast? Tie a truck to a team of 8 and see how quick they can go.

    5)Dizzy Izzy. Spin around the bat 10 times and run. This can also be added to any of the other events to make them more interesting. I think it would be really awesome to see this added to the 10 meter platform vault. Might need a wider pool though.

    Reply
15. 

    Big Chris

    August 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    We used to have a GP-medium race. A 5 man team can put up the entire tent in about 3 minutes.

    I would like to see track events in MOPP gear.

    For those that went through Fort Jackson, Victory Tower races.

    The simple addition of a weapon strapped across the back on all tumbling events.

    Field strip and reassemble almost anything for every event.

    That Dizzy Izzy thing sounds like it would work well with swimming events.

    They could also add some sort of competitive eating contest with a specialty dish from the host country.

    Reply
16. 

    Mark

    August 30, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Baseball with landmines.

    Reply