The History of Europe – Ranger Up Style
By Mr. Twisted
Due to requests for a European version of the Middle East history we did a couple weeks ago (and because we don’t need much of an excuse to poke fun at Europe), it seemed appropriate to give a quick run-down of what shaped places like England, France, Germany, and everyone’s favorite vacation spot, Holland, into what they are today.
Several thousand years ago: BRONZE! It’s a metal alloy. They used it to make plates, statues, and, if my historical knowledge serves me correctly, cheap plaques given out at retirement parties.
1000 B.C.: The Mycenaeans, lacking a trained chemist, cleaned all their tools with ammonia, subsequently bringing the Bronze Age to a screeching halt.
1000-500 B.C.: The Greeks picked up where the Mycenaeans left off, but we don’t know much about what they did so we call this period “dark,” which implies that it was kind of scary. In reality it’s believed that they didn’t write anything down because these five centuries were spent mostly trying to decide how, exactly, to pronounce “gyro.”
480 B.C.: THIS. IS. SPARTA! A bunch of dudes with spray-painted abs fight to the death trying to hold off Persians. They failed, but an Athenian general named Themistocles “whooped dat ass” on Xerxes in an epic game of Battleship.
431-404 B.C.: The Spartans go to war with the Athenians in a 27 year battle that reshapes Europe and proves that the whole “infantry” thing isn’t just a fad.
356-323 B.C.: Alexander the Great kills everyone. Seriously. He actually killed more Greeks than the Persians did in over a hundred years of fighting. But he was devilishly handsome and spoke with an Irish brogue just like Colin Farrell so it’s all good.
216 B.C.: Hannibal, B.A. Baracus, The Face, and Murdock use a welding torch and their super sweet van to kick the Roman Army right in the jewels.
49 B.C.: Julius Caesar “crossed the Rubicon” and became the leader of the Roman Empire. No, really. That’s not a metaphor. He’s the first guy to do it and so they made the saying after him. I just put it in quotation marks because it looked cool.
49 B.C.-450 A.D.: The Roman Empire is in control of pretty much everything, including Boardwalk and Park Place. The modern soap opera was born during this time, along with the first incarnation of the UFC, which included lions and Christians.
330-1453 A.D.: Christianity rises to the top, Charlemagne makes it tougher and smarter, and then the Church starts a new fight promotion simply called “the Crusades” with varying degrees of success. The Roman Empire, much like the sun, rises in the East but falls in the West because someone forgot to lock the back door.
1452-1519 A.D.: Leonardo da Vinci pens his bestselling autobiography using Tom Hanks as the protagonist and invents a ton of stuff that doesn’t work.
1517 A.D.: Martin Luther puts down his beer stein, marches on Washington D.C., and posts a giant picture of a middle finger on the Pope’s door in response to them charging money to get into heaven.
1543 A.D.: Changing the course of history, Copernicus makes the earth revolve around the sun instead of the other way around like it had been doing for several millennia.
1564 A.D.: Some dude named Shakespeare is born, causing frustration among all college students who are not theater majors.
1650-1750 A.D.: John Locke and Voltaire invent freedom; Isaac Newton invents gravity to keep them in check.
1756-1763 A.D.: The “French and Indian War” was fought for seven years all over the world but mostly on American soil and won by the British, making the name choice for the conflict utterly confusing.
1775 A.D.: King George: “Hey ol’ chap, what say we tax those Colonist buggers to fund the war we just fought, eh?”
1781 A.D.: King George: “Blimey! Quite the guns they have! Let’s have a spot of tea and we will just wait to invade them with the Beatles in a couple hundred years.”
1803 A.D.: Napoleon sells Louisiana, which he doesn’t really own, to the Americans, who don’t really know what it is, so that he can fight a bigger war in Europe which he can’t win. Strategy!
1831 A.D.: Charles Darwin funds his famous expedition by selling millions of metallic fish with feet and his name in the middle for people to put on their wagons.
1848 A.D.: The Communist Manifesto by Groucho Marx and Freddy Krueger is published, bringing absolute peace and prosperity to all of Europe for the next hundred and fifty years.
1864 A.D.: Despite constant nagging from his wife, Louis Pasteur proves that there was in fact a completely legitimate reason for leaving all the cheese out on the counter.
1905 A.D.: Albert Einstein reinvents gravity and ties it to space and time, thus providing countless platforms for 100-plus years of really crappy science fiction writing.
1914 A.D. Europe hosts “the War to End All Wars” but makes the egregious mistake of naming it “World War I,” ultimately guaranteeing a sequel.
1933 A.D. Much to everyone’s surprise, a mild-mannered boy named Adolph wins the Chancellorship of Germany by running an honest, clean campaign that spoke plainly and openly about his plans for Germany’s future.
1939 A.D. The Nazi-Soviet “non-aggression” pact signed, the Russians completely unaware that the Germans had their fingers crossed the whole time.
1939 A.D. (12 seconds later): Germany invades Poland on the grounds of “self-defense.”
1939-1950 A.D.: Proving that Marx’s book was obviously the answer to the world’s problems, Communist governments in China and Russia kill more people than any war had in the past 10 centuries combined.
1957 A.D.: The Soviet Union releases its first in a series of wildly successful but crudely made pornographic films entitled Sputnik.
1989 A.D. Soviet Union: “Everything is good here, Comrade! We are good! Nasha strana obrechena.
1991 A.D. Soviet Union: “Everything must go! Fire sale! We give you great deal!”
I suppose that there is more “history” after 1991, but honestly, I have a tough time referring to anything as “history” if it happened after I graduated high school. So we’re going to just stop there and leave Coldplay, the Mini Cooper, and Hugh Grant out of this because, let’s be honest, we don’t suck.