The Fobbit Workout
Stars and Stripes magazine called the Ranger Up warehouse and asked if “those guys who made that awesome workout video” knew any good exercises for that rare breed of soldier, the Fobbit. If you’re unfamiliar with Fobbits, they’re the guys who hang out on the Forward Operating Bases (FOBs – get it?) and never leave for fear of getting their asses shot off. Subsequently they’re some of the more rotund servicemen and have a hard time achieving the minimum score on the APFT. But that’s no reason not to try. Even Fobbits need a workout that they can accomplish to keep the fatsies away, so we helped Stars and Stripes come up with one.
1) Fobgeneration. It takes 9 seconds from the time you die in Call of Duty until you regenerate. Most people waste that time sitting in a chair getting fatter. You can maximize it for an optimal workout. As soon as death is imminent, shift your weight out of your chair into a sprinters posture and push off. The chair spring will give you the extra lift you need to get up to speed quickly. Sprint to the fridge and slide on one knee as you throw the door open behind you with your non-dominant hand. Simultaneously, reach for a Red Bull with your non-dominant hand and use the whip of your slide to both close the door and pull yourself up. Sprint back. Should you encounter an obstacle be prepared to do a combat roll over it, maintaining the Red Bull in a safe position. Pop up and continue. Hurdle any chairs in your path. As you approach your chair, begin to turn your body 180 degrees so that you slide into your chair while opening your Red Bull. The chair will bounce off the adjoining wall or desk and the recoil will return you to playing position. Gain positive control over your remote control. You just completed one Fobgeneration.
2) Fobsit. Often times when sitting in your office on the FOB the stress gets the better of you and you just need to get in a 4-5 hour nap. A newb Fobbit will get caught by “the man” during this exercise, but a wiley veteran knows the importance of keeping his or head on a swivel and executing a flawless Fobsit. First, ensure you are not facing the door as you place your legs up on the desk and your hand cradles your keg-pack. Next, pretend your boss just came through the door. Flex your ab so your knees fire into your stomach while you throw your hands forward towards the keyboard. Your knees will bounce off your stomach and fall to the ground, forcing your hands forward and into perfect typing position. You’ve just completed one Fobsit.
3) Fobstralian Crawl or Reverse Swim Technique. This technique is similar to the one you may have seen in football. With the fast food restaurants coming back to the FOBs you need to have your game face on and beat the suckers that don’t realize that second Big Mac is first loser. With your near hand, trap the shoulder of the Fobbit in front of you (note, make sure it isn’t a grunt coming out of sector) while your far hand swims in an overhand motion past the shoulder. Next, push off from your food gathering nemesis and propel yourself past him, directly into the calorie bomb you so richly deserve. Mike Charlie my friends. Mike Charlie.