The Dumbass Chronicles – Sea Sick
By Scuba Steve
When you’re a bullet proof E-2, there is nothing that you can’t do. Leadership needs to live up to you, not the other way around, right? In this type of position, looking stupid is the last thing that you need.
I was in this position at one time. Since I kicked boot camp’s ass, going out to sea to interdict those that threaten the security of our homeland was going to be a walk in the park.
Unfortunately, most Coast Guard boats are not very large in size. Out at sea, they ride like a canoe stuck in the perfect storm. Initially, this was not of great concern because I was such a beast and didn’t realize that sea sickness does not discriminate. This is something that I would soon gain a much larger respect for.
Shortly after getting underway, all the “boots” and those that typically get sea sick were handed puke bags. They weren’t much different from the ones you see in airplane seat pockets, except these were plastic and not waxed paper. Convinced that I was not going to need this, I simply slipped it into my back pocket and went about my business. It wasn’t long until the pitching and rolling of the vessel caused me to feel ill. I did what any certified bad ass would do; I pretended I was good to go. This was another mistake that I would learn the hard way. Seasickness is not something that you can hide because it causes a person to literally turn greenish in color accompanied by profuse sweating, nausea, headache, and drowsiness. I chose the drowsiness as my best weapon to avoid looking weak.
Looking tough should have been my last concern as making myself puke would have made me feel better. Furthermore, it is not looked down upon to do such a thing. Instead I placed my hope in my body’s ability to adapt and overcome. I thought that I would soon get used to it and begin to feel better. This usually takes a day or two, a piece of knowledge that nobody shared with me. To my dismay, my idea of adapting and overcoming was in severe disagreement with my body’s version of the same. It was not long before I began to succumb to the sickness of the sea.
Out of nowhere, completely unwelcome and unexpected was a serious pain in my gut. The type of pain that leaves no room to doubt the impending onslaught of a messy, wet, high velocity crap. This created the same feeling inside of me as an incredibly serious, ethical dilemma. Should I unleash the fury of my ass on the toilet and try not to puke, or should I puke and hope that I don’t shit myself? If anyone has been in a similar situation, you know the weight that your decision carries. Let’s just say that shitting myself was not instrumental to maintaining my unrivaled confidence and high stature. After all, I had recently graduated boot camp and would not let anything stop me now.
As my condition deteriorated my mental strength, I headed toward the head to take a dump. I cleaned the toilet seat off, ensured that there was toilet paper and confidently sat down. Being that I was in the very front of the boat, holding onto the toilet with one hand was essential to staying on it. This area was generally referred to as the anti-gravity chamber because you literally catch flight. As I began to pee out of my ass, the pressure was so great that it created an instant back splash from the toilet water below. Stuck between feeling relieved and knowing that I now have to take a shower, another sharp pain presented itself. Gripping the toilet, preparing for round two I felt a sudden urge to throw up. Possibly because I have shat all over the place and now have poop water dripping from my scrotum, it was all one lovely situation at this point. Quickly running out of options, I grabbed the puke bag out of my pocket. Without hesitating, I opened the bag, continued my fecal attack on the toilet and violently vomit simultaneously. Within about five seconds it became readily apparent that there was a hole in my puke bag. Sitting in a state of defeat, I watched sadly as warm vomit spilled onto my boots and the floor below. Tears were about to become a part of this liquid nightmare.
At this point, I was really hoping that I would soon wake up from a bad dream. I am supposed to look like a bad ass but was covered with poop and puke. I had enough toilet paper for a regular to semi-messy poop. Not enough for the spray and pray, ricochet, splatter shit! Plus I then had to clean my boots and figure out if I could work the chunks out of my uniform pants.
In the end, it didn’t work out that great. Yes, this story stuck around for a while and it was a favorite at my unit. The shower was not as satisfying as I was expecting either.
You’ve been warned! Inspect any vomit receptacle for holes or any other signs of weakness.