The Chattanooga Shooting and the Anti-Gun Nuts

Updated: July 22, 2015

By Kevin Wilson

Ordinarily, this is the point where I’d make mention of being intoxicated. That’s usually my way of tacitly apologizing for the bile and filth that I just spewed up on your screen when you clicked the link.

shutterstock_214571239Tonight, I’ve got a cup of coffee, fresh batteries in the vape, and I’m cuddling a rifle older than my grandma’s kickstarting dildo. That’s right, I have a teddy rifle. Deal with it.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I’m fucking pissed. It’s not enough that some scumbag goes and shoots up recruiting centers in Chattanooga. It’s not enough that five servicemen have lost their lives in this senseless and largely preventable act of violence, or that everybody seems determined to tiptoe through the goddamn tulips rather than call the little shit a terrorist.

Hey, fucknuggets: chances are he didn’t just wake up with a headache and decide to start hosing down recruiters with bullets. He might have just been pissed because some Marines ran a train on his girlfriend the night before, but Occam’s razor says it’s highly freaking unlikely.

There’s plenty of room to rant right there. I could go on for pages, but I’m not. The following days and weeks are likely to be a media shit show until something else new and shiny pops up and the ratings whores move on to something else, maybe koalas getting ebola or some shit. The vicious furry bastards are due for some comeuppance anyway.

No, tonight I’m spooning my Lee Enfield because some of those ratings whores have decided to use this tragedy as an excuse to further their agendas and call for further pointless gun control measures.

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: yes, this sort of thing pops up every time someone shoots up a public place. And yes, servicemembers are pretty well used to being used as tools for someone’s political agenda. None of that is new.

It is, however, frankly disgusting that they use the death of four Marines and a sailor to justify calling for renewed bans on assault rifles.

If you’re going to use someone’s death as a bullet point in your poorly thought out op-ed, at least have the goddamn common courtesy to make sure it’s something they would want.

shutterstock_297624434Do you really think Marines would want their memory to be used for that shit? I have no clue; the dead can’t speak. But if we once again apply Occam’s razor, that most magnificent tool for cutting through bullshit, it’s several orders of magnitude less likely than Donald Trump getting invited to any Cinco de Mayo parties run by actual Mexicans next year.

I’ve got an uncle who spent several years in the Marine Corps. My high school JROTC program was run by Marines. I’ve had several Marine drinking buddies, and gotten my ass kicked by a few. One thing that they all had in common was that they were fighters.

You want to get fucked up in a New York minute? Go to a bar outside Camp Lejeune and make jokes about ASVAB waivers. It doesn’t matter how many buddies you have with you, you’re probably gonna get swarmed by every swinging dick in the place. Hell, even the guy that managed to come out of boot camp weighing 110 pounds soaking wet is probably gonna jump in the fray, though he’s more likely to end up being used as a club by the resident silverback gorilla.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud as hell of who I am and what I’ve done, but by and large, no one can hold a candle to the Marine Corps when it comes to sheer bullheaded belligerence.

Now look me in the eye and tell me that someone coming from that would want Americans to be less capable of fighting back when manure hits the air circulator.

If you want to stop random cum stains from shooting up recruiting centers or armories, you don’t take away assault rifles. You don’t declare them Gun Free zones and hope for the best. You let the recruiters gun up and stay alert. I’d bet money that, all over the country, a significant chunk of them are saying fuck the rules and doing just that. Next time some wannabe Jihadi comes a knockin’, the local police are going to be scraping little pieces of him off the sidewalk for weeks.

In the mean time, here’s a hearty fuck you to all those bleeding hearts out there that have the gall to use dead servicemen to stump for an agenda. Just know that when you’re sipping on your organic gluten free soy mocha double latte, your wife’s probably getting railed by a Marine.



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