The 9 Times Nick Palmisciano Nearly Flew into a Murderous Rage…and the one time he actually did.
By Kelly Crigger
Nick Palmisciano is the fearless leader of Ranger Up who once referred to his view on life as, “the stage isn’t big enough.” We have faithfully followed him and persevered as the world’s leading military and patriotic lifestyle company for nine years now, but the journey has not been without its moments of debilitating angst and outright loathing for our fellow man. There were numerous occasions when the irrepressible Nick was taken aback by douchebaggery, dumbfoundery, and Darwinism. These are the top ten darkest moments in the company’s history as told by a guy who’s only there ten percent of the time (at best) and is usually drunk.
- The time Tim Kennedy shot a jihadi during lunch, splattering blood into Nick’s lunch. Just as Nick, Tom, and Jack sat down to enjoy the best barbeque in the Carolinas, Tim Kennedy screamed “ISIS MOTHER FUCKER!” and unloaded a clip into the waiter. It’s pretty clear Nick was more concerned with ruining smoked ribs than smoking a goat fucker.
- The time Nick and Chuck were “performing” at a bachelorette party and Chuck wouldn’t let him play bad cop. Just look at those “of all the trees in the forest you chose to climb this one?” eyes.
- The time Luciano used Helvetica font. This is not the laughy face of an amused man who just stepped out of a Mini Cooper with eighty of his best clown friends. This is the image that gives The Joker worse night sweats than Joan Rivers naked. Moments before this photo Luciano had a full head of hair. And balls.
- The time someone whose name rhymes with “trigger” suggested Duke was a second-rate school with only basketball to hang its name on and DeVry had higher academic standards. Trigger has never been seen in a Ranger Up video since.
- When Nick learned he would miss the The Backstreet Boys / New Kids on the Block reunion tour, Tommy offered to take Nick’s pain but then realized Nick’s pain is what makes him who he is. So Nick buttfucked his soul and didn’t like it nearly as much as he thought he would.
- The time Nick learned Caitlyn Jenner was going to get transgender surgery before him and he would not be able to model the new Ranger Up teddy on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. Eve Chase had to be called in for emotional support but even then Nick still went out, found the cow with the biggest udders in the south, and tipped it.
- The time someone farted during a meeting and it smelled better than anything that had ever emerged from his own colon. Nick was secretly impressed. And then homicidal, so to calm himself he went to watch a new episode of Enlisted…
- …Until he learned Enlisted was cancelled. Nick expelled all his pent up TV rage by challenging Fox to a trial by combat that ended when Brian Williams claimed victory for himself. Nick was famously heard screaming “No Keith David milk bath, no close air support motherfuckers!” as he limped back to the warehouse.
- When Ranger Up experimented with a new source of hoodies that never arrived and many customers had to cancel Christmas. Never before or since has Nick used the words “I will reach up your asshole, grab your tongue, and flip you inside out like a windsock!” and meant it.
And the one time Nick flew into a murderous rage was the time someone put Thom in a corner. No one puts Thom in a fucking corner.