RTFU

That Guy

By
Updated: February 13, 2012

By Grin and Barrett  

Is there anything better than listening to another story by “that guy.”  You know the turd-wrangler I’m talking about, he’s the guy that’s been there, done that; bigger, better, and more often than anyone else.  His self indulgent rants rank up there only with the ridiculous verbosity that frequently graces our hallowed political establishments.  You’ve been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan; he’s been deployed to Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, and Fort Polk….four times each.  It’s not enough to trump the minions that surround him, they must be vanquished to verbal Valhalla.

You see, That Guy (Hitherto referred to as TG) is usually not the most confident of blokes, hence the over-compensatory story overload.  This is the reason TG has been deployed so many times, to so many remote regions.  This is the reason TG got a 760 on his last PT test – and that wasn’t even the extended scale!  Same reason TG had it harder during basic training, only showered four times during his last 15 month deployment, and only ate three MREs every two weeks while at a remote outpost in Kazakhstan with no mail, no support, and a constant barrage of rotten tomatoes and leprosy outbreaks.  This ever-flowing outpouring of woe-is-me-I’ve-had-it-so-hard-but-aren’t-I-a-badass-look-how-I’ve-persevered nonsensory (made up word, can’t help it) only reflects that character flaw even more, increases the rabid and deranged rants, and perpetuates the cycle even further.

There was a time, I must admit, that I met these rants head on, toe to toe, pointing out flaws of logic,  gaping holes where reality clearly tapped out to fantasy.  Really dude?  You dated Angelina Jolie before she was famous?  And YOU dumped HER?  Arrrgghhh, truth infused rage building, must…get….the….truth….out….of….this….douchebag.  Unfortunately, I learned the critical lesson late in life.  Fantastical and clearly fabricated stories are NOT to be argued with!  No, this only squelches the potential fun and humiliation you can have at TG’s expense.  Instead, follow this format and you will have hours and hours of fun!

Humor the witless TG by encouraging him to expand on his story, using probing questions so that the truth is soon so far down a labyrinth of Scheisse that not even Marion Barry would buy it.  This strategy has brought me such gems as:

“Yeah, if the MP thing doesn’t work out, I’ll just go Delta.”

Really?  Delta?  Kind of hard to get in, isn’t it?

“Yeah, for most people.  But I met a Delta Colonel while I was deployed, and he pretty much guaranteed me I’d be accepted.”

Riiighhht….

Or,

“Dude, I’m so sick of the Army.  I feel like all my good ideas are going to waste, nobody treats me with respect or listens to my ideas.”

Why don’t you just get out?

“I’m totally going to, I think.”

What are you going to do if you get out?

“Well, I’ve pretty much got a job already lined up.  My Dad’s buddy owns an oil company and he’s already told me that I could work for him making a million a year…easily.”

Uh-huh….

But TG is at his best when he is trumping your story, one-upping you at every turn.  Now, you can protest, waive the BS flag, and meet the challenge head on.  Be the Angel of Integrity to the demonic Cliff Claven.   Or…you can sit back, instigate, prod, and enjoy the show.

For anyone out there with a TG story, here’s the marketplace for sharing it.  Let us know your best “That Guy” story!

 

 

Comments

comments

36 Comments

  1. Steve

    February 15, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Almost every single guy I’ve met in school that is former military is the guy you just described. Blatant lies about what they’ve done, where they’ve been and how goddamn good they were at doing it. This story is spot on. I too have stopped poking holes in all their dumb ass stories and just cut my conversations short and leave before its too much to stomach.

  2. Rickhoff, Mark

    February 15, 2012 at 8:44 am

    High I am a long time listener and first time caller….. always wanted to say that. =)…

    I don’t have any “That Guy” story that is impresive but I do know “TG”. The Funny thing is all his stories revolve around his time at Fort Polk also. I wonder if we know the same “TG”.

    The only thing is you forgot to mention how that guy starts to melt other peoples stories into his and eventually you start to hear your stories retold by him…

    Any way enjoyed the article Thanks

  3. Mike C

    February 15, 2012 at 8:58 am

    We have a friend that we call Jack (Short for Jack Bauer of “24” fame). He is a rolly polly little fellow that saves the world every day. He was in the Marines and served at 8th & I for his whole 4 years.
    He currently has 4 different kinds of PTSD but manages to strap on his boots every day to protect humanity. He has been a contractor working for the .gov for quite awhile now and every time that the contract is up for renegotiation, he somehow is the only one that is not kept on. He finds a way to sneak in to a different division under a different contract each time but has now run the full gamut and has no other divisions to infiltrate.
    As this “High level” super spy, he personally had a hand in Osama’s demise. You can thank him later. He takes every opportunity to tell people “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t know that, I am training you to be just as good as me someday”. FEMA apparently thought so much of him that they installed a super secret app on his personal I-phone to let him know when he was needed back at his office for some big mission (sad as it is, that is almost verbatim). This morning, he dashed out of the house at 0430 to handle some “emergency” that won’t be obvious to any of us “civilians” (we don’t need to know, just be glad that he does and is taking care of it).
    He is now waiting on a super secret contract with the head muckity-mucks of the Special Operations Group, where he will use his mad skills to escort their convoys of gear for them. This has been in the works for the last 3-4 years with the start date being “just around the corner” for 3-4 years.
    We went camping in West “by God” Virginia. He decided that we needed perimeter security. He strung 5lb fishing line all the way around the campsite at about waist level as a “trip wire” and then set up traps for animals consisting of a rock the size of a dinner plate held up with a stick with no bait. “You guys don’t have to worry about breakfast. We are having rabbit in the morning. I learned this in SERE school”.
    With Jack it is a constant barrage of stupid. At least it is entertaining.

    • Conrad

      July 20, 2012 at 7:17 pm

      wow……I was going to post but I. Think. You. Win! thanks for sharing Bro!

  4. Tfry

    February 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    So my TG is actually a TG and she has lady parts. No matter what you’ve done she’s done it better, more times and had a much harder time doing it due to unforseen circumstances that arose. She was in the military, dated the military, married the military and she is better at it than you. She was also a paramedic that saved lives hourly if not by the minute. She was the best of the best. She held a baby lamb in her hands after a fire and by God her tears brought that thing back to life. Thank God she’s not actually Chuck Norris because she would’ve killed it to prove she has no mercy. She’s mother of the year, wife of the year and friend of the year. Except her kids are spoiled, evil brats and she isn’t actually sure if number one belongs to husband 1,2 or 3 but number 4 adopted her. She cheats on her husband constantly but she’s an upstanding military wife and won’t take any lip from a soldier, regardless of rank, or any “skank” wife who says otherwise about her. And basically she only calls when she needs a one upping session. I haven’t told her that I have friends where she was a paramedic…and my friend who is also a paramedic said the top dogs who have been there a while have never heard of her. I’m holding onto that for when she tries to one up me again about my dad dying. That’s just cruel and stupid and her dad is still alive and he happens to like me better. Thanks for being TG.

  5. Antonio Aguilar

    February 15, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    There was a guy in OSUT who always bragged that he could kick anyone’s ass. I know, it’s the typical deal, the guy who brags that he can take the drill sergeant. This guy actually tried it though, several times. He rotated through ever troop in 5/15 CAV back when it was at Ft. Knox. After be made it back to B Troop where he had started out he finally got a general discharge. I think he was the only person to ever actually try to fight a drill sergeant from every single troop there though. That has to be some kind of record.

  6. This is no lie...

    February 16, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Know the guy! We had lunch together!!!

  7. I know that guy...

    February 16, 2012 at 4:02 am

    He’s a VA security policeman on the west coast! He was in the last hard class at Ranger School… except it was a special cohort class of MP Rangers at Schweinfurt in the middle 1980s. They put together a bunch of RIs TDY from the RTB just for this and sent them to deutchsland just for this. He was the honor grad. Only two guys washed out from his platoon.

    No shit, man! This is the truth!

    • Mac

      February 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

      I knew TG, the Security Guard at the Seattle V.A. Met him when i was rehabing from Operaiton Just Cause. He wowed me with his story of Ranger School in Germany as well. I would have never believed it true had he not been so insistent. What a stud, so lucky to be the only MP unit to ever go through Ranger School in Germany, and graduate top of his class.

  8. MasterChief SpecialForcesForceReconNavysealsniper.

    February 17, 2012 at 4:32 am

    I hate people like that and every time I hear their stories I let them

    know they are full of it and let them know who I am. A little

    background about myself. I grew up in East LA surrounded by gangs and

    violence and had to hide my books inside pizza boxes so the gangs would

    not mess with me for going to school. Peer pressure made me join a

    gang and I sold cocaine to Hollywood stars. I had to quit that life

    because people were hating on me to much and I killed to many rival

    gang members. I had to move to Alaska with my dad were I learned to

    hunt wolverines by hand or using a knife. After that I went to college

    to Notredame on a full scholarship but I blew out my knee on my first

    game after I scored six touchdowns. On 911 I was in NY I just happened

    to be walking by the WTC that day I rescued five fire fighters making

    multiple trips carrying them on my back. The last one right before the

    towers came down. So I decided to go to the military. I went to boot

    camp in Parris Island and halfway trough it my Drill Instructors

    decided to send me to BUD’s and Force Recon school. My first

    deployment was to hunt for bin laden with special forces I had it in my

    sniper rifle sights but I got orders from the POTUS not to kill him.

    After that I went rouge for a while and spent a year in the mountains

    killing Taliban. I ended living in Thailand making a living by

    fighting in underground fights and hunting Cobras. In 2003 George Bush

    called me on my sat phone and sent a full bird to go get me because my

    countrymen needed my expertise. I could tell you I caught Sadam but it

    would be a lie. It was one of my boots. but I did get to interrogate

    him because I speak Arabic,Farsi,Pashtoo,Korean and Russian. I spent

    the better half of ten years doing secret missions for the CIA all over

    the world.I can’t talk about it but I can tell you this much the

    President of Iran and Fidel Castro are clones planted by the CIA cause

    I killed the originals. I had to retire after 10 years with the rank

    of MasterChiefSergeant a rank they made up because of me. I get like

    $500,000 a year on retirement and another $500,000 for every year I

    don’t talk about my missions. I just drive a Kia Rio because I don’t

    want to call attention to myself because Al-kaeda has a price on my

    head. I occasionally do a mission but I don’t like it anymore I am

    tired of killing and only do it when necessary. I just want to work on

    my music career now. Now I’m working on a song that Metallica and Jay

    Z are doing together that is gonna be bad ass. I got to go. my Sat

    phone is ringing. It’s probably my hot ass Brazilian model girlfriend

    that wants me to go to Monaco with her. Good night.

    • RU Rob

      February 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      Mister Master Chief? Can I have your autograph or maybe even your telephone number? Just wondering!

      • MasterChief SpecialForcesForceReconNavysealsniper.

        February 22, 2012 at 4:10 am

        Thanks but I’m busy doing secret stuff I can’t talk about………..shhhhhhhhh

        • RU Rob

          February 22, 2012 at 5:51 pm

          Damnit all to hell!

    • Barrett

      February 19, 2012 at 4:00 am

      Okay, that was pretyy good….

    • LMC student

      February 21, 2012 at 9:14 am

      Hey, Didn’t I work with you up in NH? Either that or I met your twin.

  9. Rooster

    February 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    My first duty station I knew TG. Before his 20th birthday had:

    – Driven 18-wheelers from TX to ME and from FL to AK (must be 21 to get a CDL for interstate trucking).
    – A mechanic on the Porsche Racing Team in TX, and helped them win some big international race by rebuilding the engine better than anyone had ever built one.
    – Shot every gun known to man.
    – Rebuilt a 55′ Chevy, by himself, but for some reason couldn’t fix his front bumper of his 03′ Silverado without damn near disassembling the entire truck.
    – Gotten his Masters, or Bachelors or PhD…it varied from day to day.
    – He got his degree while he was on a baseball scholarship but blew out his ACL third on a long fly ball, so he wasn’t able to go pro.
    – And married a harlot. <– That one is true, she later left him and traded him their son for a big screen TV (we all told him not to marry her, but he didn't listen. For clarity, he got their son she got the TV.)

    He was a good guy but the crap he spewed was beyond belief.

  10. Nelz

    February 19, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    So there I was going to get my oil changed afterwork one day. I was fresh out of the office and still in uniform. Not one to draw attention, I park, walk in and sit down to wait for the person at the counter to finish up. That’s when the bull shit starts. The dude behind the counter, initiates the conversation with me by saying, What’s happenin Cap’n? As a young Army Captain, I have heard this before and smiled. The dude then proceeded to tell me how he was in the Army but has gotten out to “have a normal life”. He then told me that he was stationed at Ft. Hood with a top secret CIA attache unit as a “Specials Ops MP” that was inserted into Iraq and Kuwait prior to the start of the gulf war. He and his boys where then sent to, and I quote “All those badass schools: Ranger, Airborne, HALO, SCUBA, and Special Ops (because that is a school, right?)” They went over before everyone else, and then stayed until it was over. He said he was offered a job with the CIA but wanted to be close to home, and apparently sell tires, and oil changes. He then asked me if I had been deployed, even though I was wearing a combat patch. He then proceeded to tell me about all of the bad dudes he killed. Which means he probably didn’t kill or even shoot anyone. He then proceeded to give me a “discount” since we were “brothers” that was the regular price of the oil change. Thanks douche.

  11. RU Nick

    February 20, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    Master Chief for the MF win!

  12. Avoiding TG

    February 20, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    I unfortunately had a TG in my section. A 21 year old who prior to joining the Army accomplished:

    -Being a member of a S.W.A.T team (a sniper as well!)
    -Being a professional Bull Rider
    -Being a volunteer FireFighter
    -Being a Professional Stunt Driver

    All of that before he joined at the age of 19. This shit bag was also a 2 year E-2 because of 2 article 15’s. What a bad ass.

  13. diggler

    February 20, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    I love these guys. You have to love all the morons around you that actually buy their shit though too.

  14. THis is a Facebook convo that me and some friends recently had about THAT GUY…

    Neville Bridgeford- i was talking to garrison on the phone…..i’d forgotten about it until he mentioned it, but do you remember a drawing i did of fanning where he looked like a neanderthal and he had a twenty foot penis wrapped around the planet earth and there were leperchans and shit running around?…..
    7 December 2011 at 17:39 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Lol, no, I don’t think so. Man, Fanning.. Old Dirt himself. I still tell stories of that weirdo.
    7 December 2011 at 18:06 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- ‎….i was his FUCKING ROOM-MATE!!!…..i still remember that first night in the barracks, my covers up to my chin, in the dark, staring at the ceiling, as he told me from across our room his sordid history with the long beach crips….and how they got into a firefight with the triads during a weapons deal gone wrong, and how he held the gangleader in his arms as he died, and the gangleader’s last words were that fanning needed to take over the gang and take revenge upon the triads, and also that fanning marry the gangleaders super bodaciously hot daughter, and this, fanning solemnly agreed to do…..and i’m laying there looking at the ceiling, in the middle of a horrible divorce, not drunk, sober, saying, “wow man….that’s fucking rough….”…..ugh.
    7 December 2011 at 18:09 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Remember he still had the blue bandana he would wear out on the weekends and light a candle on otherwise.. I think the whole barracks flossed with that rag. I loved how one weekend he would go out looking like a Vanilla Ice background dancer and the next like he walked off the set of Brokeback Mountain. No showers in between. He was my roommate too man! I think his mom died like 9 times and he said he wrote lyrics for Tu Pac and was involved in Biggies demise. One night he tried to get me to listen to his practice freestyle for a upcoming battle. Very entertaining.
    7 December 2011 at 18:28 · Like · 1

    Neville Bridgeford- he also fucked about ten million daughters of sergeant majors and four star generals, was in a hotel directly across from the twin towers when they were struck, his classmates supposedly had to salute him at attention when he entered the classroom, and when he was on leave from trashcanistan a swat team asked for his assistance when a psychopath barricaded himself in his home in his neighborhood…..
    7 December 2011 at 18:32 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Hahahaha!!!! I remember them all!! Man, they just don’t make compulsive, mongoloid privates like they used to. I also remember SFC Ward locking him in his wall locker over lunch with the the trash he didn’t take out. Can’t get away with that now.
    7 December 2011 at 18:38 · Like · 1

    Chris Brockett Compulsive liars that is.
    7 December 2011 at 18:39 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- hahahahaha
    7 December 2011 at 18:39 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- i think fanning is who did sergeant ward in eventually…..fucker.
    7 December 2011 at 18:40 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- he would have been way better to go to the stan with than sergeant s.
    7 December 2011 at 18:40 · Like

    Chris Brockett Yeah, he’s a 1sgt here at Benning now. Still waiting to run into him.
    7 December 2011 at 18:43 · Like · 1

    Neville Bridgeford no shit! wow….that would neat….he used to ride dirtbikes in highschool here in saugus where i live….it was funny he let his son name his new kid…he named him luigi from the mario brothers….luigi ward.
    7 December 2011 at 18:49 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Lol!! That’s right! I forgot about that! Thats gonna be a teenage problem.
    7 December 2011 at 18:51 · Like · 1

    Tanner Kuth- I had to throw my two sense in… fannings family also owned diamond mines in africa and he’s a millionaire who for some reason was always bumming money and smokes from everyone, and he went out with me and some of my b company friends to zansabar where I ended up punching some big dude in the face multiple times with fanning no where near the incident… then the next morning fanning tells me that he saw the guys (who I never pointed out to him) in the parking garage and they tried to jump him, but since he had his knife on him, he cut all those fools for me…. even offered to show me the blood. lmao, that guy should be a writer.
    16 February at 03:45 · Like · 1

  15. tkuth

    February 20, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    Neville Bridgeford- i was talking to garrison on the phone…..i’d forgotten about it until he mentioned it, but do you remember a drawing i did of fanning where he looked like a neanderthal and he had a twenty foot penis wrapped around the planet earth and there were leperchans and shit running around?…..
    7 December 2011 at 17:39 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Lol, no, I don’t think so. Man, Fanning.. Old Dirt himself. I still tell stories of that weirdo.
    7 December 2011 at 18:06 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- ….i was his FUCKING ROOM-MATE!!!…..i still remember that first night in the barracks, my covers up to my chin, in the dark, staring at the ceiling, as he told me from across our room his sordid history with the long beach crips….and how they got into a firefight with the triads during a weapons deal gone wrong, and how he held the gangleader in his arms as he died, and the gangleader’s last words were that fanning needed to take over the gang and take revenge upon the triads, and also that fanning marry the gangleaders super bodaciously hot daughter, and this, fanning solemnly agreed to do…..and i’m laying there looking at the ceiling, in the middle of a horrible divorce, not drunk, sober, saying, “wow man….that’s fucking rough….”…..ugh.
    7 December 2011 at 18:09 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Remember he still had the blue bandana he would wear out on the weekends and light a candle on otherwise.. I think the whole barracks flossed with that rag. I loved how one weekend he would go out looking like a Vanilla Ice background dancer and the next like he walked off the set of Brokeback Mountain. No showers in between. He was my roommate too man! I think his mom died like 9 times and he said he wrote lyrics for Tu Pac and was involved in Biggies demise. One night he tried to get me to listen to his practice freestyle for a upcoming battle. Very entertaining.
    7 December 2011 at 18:28 · Like · 1

    Neville Bridgeford- he also fucked about ten million daughters of sergeant majors and four star generals, was in a hotel directly across from the twin towers when they were struck, his classmates supposedly had to salute him at attention when he entered the classroom, and when he was on leave from trashcanistan a swat team asked for his assistance when a psychopath barricaded himself in his home in his neighborhood…..
    7 December 2011 at 18:32 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Hahahaha!!!! I remember them all!! Man, they just don’t make compulsive, mongoloid privates like they used to. I also remember SFC Ward locking him in his wall locker over lunch with the the trash he didn’t take out. Can’t get away with that now.
    7 December 2011 at 18:38 · Like · 1

    Chris Brockett- Compulsive liars that is.
    7 December 2011 at 18:39 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- hahahahaha
    7 December 2011 at 18:39 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- i think fanning is who did sergeant ward in eventually…..fucker.
    7 December 2011 at 18:40 · Like

    Neville Bridgeford- he would have been way better to go to the stan with than sergeant s.
    7 December 2011 at 18:40 · Like

    Chris Brockett Yeah, he’s a 1sgt here at Benning now. Still waiting to run into him.
    7 December 2011 at 18:43 · Like · 1

    Neville Bridgeford- no shit! wow….that would neat….he used to ride dirtbikes in highschool here in saugus where i live….it was funny he let his son name his new kid…he named him luigi from the mario brothers….luigi ward.
    7 December 2011 at 18:49 · Like

    Chris Brockett- Lol!! That’s right! I forgot about that! Thats gonna be a teenage problem.
    7 December 2011 at 18:51 · Like · 1

    Tanner Kuth- I had to throw my two cents in… fannings family also owned diamond mines in africa and he’s a millionaire who for some reason was always bumming money and smokes from everyone, and he went out with me and some of my b company friends to zansabar where I ended up punching some big dude in the face multiple times with fanning no where near the incident… then the next morning fanning tells me that he saw the guys (who I never pointed out to him) in the parking garage and they tried to jump him, but since he had his knife on him, he cut all those fools for me…. even offered to show me the blood. lmao, that guy should be a writer.
    16 February at 03:45 · Like · 1

  16. Robert C.

    February 20, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    I met TG (Ret.) one day at the shooting range. I’m not military (currently LEO), and this happened before I went to the academy. I was showing off a Lusa A2 carbine to some friends after a rifle class. TG (Ret.) walks up to us as we were booger-hooking the firearm. I let him take a look and after he sets it back down remarks: “You know, back when I was a Major in the SEALS….” That’s a direct quote, mind you. Before he could spew forth anymore drivel from his pie-hole, we broke loose and left him standing there contemplating his navel.

  17. Brent Norquist

    February 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Although it seems like almost every former sailor I meet “worked with the SEALs” at some time, and so many former soldiers were “Green Berets” (I always want to ask if they were a girl scout cap or if they mean they were a SF soldier). The all-time best “TG” story was when I was riding in a taxi with another Marine Officer who happened to be a cobra pilot by trade. The cab driver asked us if we “was in the military” and when we said “yes”, he told us he was in the army back in “Nam” and that he was a “door-gunner on a cobra”. Those of you who realize that no version of the AH-1 Cobra helicopter has ever had a door…or a door gunner may find this almost as funny as we did. My only response was “wow…that’s just unbelievable!”.

  18. Inc0gneato

    February 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Yeah I know TG he’s a cop now… A total badass who has diabetes so he couldn’t go active duty for Iraq, so he ended up going and working for a private security firm in Iraq… While there apparently he killed anything that moved and provided security for Marine convoys ( never knew Marines hired out for private security)… While he was there he said that he was riding in a Humvee (roof gunner), that was (take your pick) hit by an IED or RPG, the other guys in the vehicle were killed and his hands were injured badly… Of course he has no scars on his hands… He’s also shot every gun known to man and is now the sniper at the agency he is at ( seriously he is because command staff bought his line of bullshit – he also was promoted to Sgt. even though other officers were senior)… Later I was playing Modern Warfare 2 and realized that EXACT scenario was in the game, and when he told his Humvee story to another officer he was playing that game as it had just come out… Lol Then he talked command staff into sending him and another officer to Krav Maga instructor school… He puked 4 times the first day and a total of 9 times while there… When him and the other rookie officer got back from training, rookie said ” oh yeah me and the sgt. are going to take it out on you!” at which point I felt the need to point out I had actually been in the Army, was Airborne, and never puked due to PT… Now I just sit back and let the bullshit flow, although I did leave that agency due to lack of critical reasoning skills on the part of command staff… I would like to say that TG is a rare breed, but they are everywhere in the military and law enforcement…

  19. Semper I

    February 21, 2012 at 12:28 am

    I was in the Marines from 03′-11. I served in Fallujah in 05-06. Mostly did security convoys and worked the elections. Did my job, made it home, content with my Career. I never really ran into a TG until I became a cop. And of course the TG is now my partner half the month and the fact that he served in the corps also doesn’t stop him from trying to get one over me or anyone else who’ll listen. First day we meet, exchange pleasantries and within 5min we both begin to discuss MC experiences. He states he was in from 99-03 and Without batting an eyelash this guy tells me he was the top grunt for the 2nd MarDiv for 3 out of 4 years. He was so shit hot that he was sent to D.C to personally protect the president as part of MC security forces. And asked me if I remembered when that nutjob decided to fire an Ak47 at the whitehouse from the sidewalk in front. I stated yes, now feeling quite suspicious knowing that that incident happened in the late 80’s or early 90’s, and he proceeded to tell me that he was the guy who tackled the assailant and was subsequently shot in the knee during his brave assault. Because of his injury he was medically discharged. He was however so important that when OIF popped off he was asked to return to duty but turned them down cause he was set on becoming the best cop in the county(0 arrests this past year) and was tired of taking orders from ‘The Man’. As my anger boiled at this disgrace of a service member let along one of my brethren MC types, I felt a strong urge to call this blue falcon out for giving a bad name to all Marines everywhere and overall douchbaggery, I was then tapped on the should by a fellow officer who pulled me aside to explain what a running joke this guy had become for our squad and I was no way allowed to ruin their fun. Being the FNG, I obliged my fellow coworkers requests and politely excused my self from further conversation. To this day I thank my buddy for those words of wisdom because I’ve now had 4 glorious year of fruitful stories of arrests gone wrong, the time I punched my DI, how many chicks I banged in NC, how I beat Frank Shamrock in a MMA fight in Quantico, ect. The lies get bolder and the stories eventually overlapping makes it all the more fun to hear them. I did a little research and it turns out officer smuckatelli was a terrible grunt and was sent to DC as an admin clerk for 8th and I, and he did sustain a knee injury from running, although I was disappointed to find out he really didn’t get shot. Until next time Gents, don’t be TG!

  20. Highlander

    February 21, 2012 at 1:08 am

    Reverse TG. Or, as I like to say, another reason to keep your mouth shut.

    I’m a Reservist, so I have a civilian job. It happens to be in a city fire department, which (like a lot of fire and police departments everywhere) used to have a lot of prior-service or reserve/guard members in it. Apparently not anymore. It’s now full of permanent civilians who can’t even tell the difference between AR-600 and an AR-15.

    Though I rarely – if ever – discuss my military career or deployments in public and have gotten pretty good at deflecting any and all questions (even benign ones), once in awhile I get caught off-guard. We all eat at the same time, same table, usually with a TV going. This one night some show was on talking about Wikileaks or something similar, and clearances in the Army. One guy who doesn’t usually work at that firehouse and had never been in the military asked me if I had a security clearance. Without really thinking, I said “yeah, had one for years” (I’m in a Civil Affairs unit, and pretty much everyone does – no big deal).

    Within an hour, it had gone out over the fastest communications system available that I was claiming to be a super-secret agent and all of the crap related to that. Turns out the guys downtown were having a field day, and of course expanded on the original story to now say that I actually spent my last 18-month deployment on a personal vacation in Mexico. All of this, from me saying that yes I had a security clearance (that we never use, but that is another story).

    The best news is what happened next. Before I even heard about it, my Battalion Chief did – the same guy who is also still in the reserves, has a bunch of tours himself (probably more than me), and who had seen a copy of my DD214 when I applied to come back to work. He, well, set them straight as only a good Battalion Chief can do.

    In hindsight, maybe if I would have claimed a whole bunch of crazy stuff, he would have believed it (or at least been to scared to take the chance). Oh – the fastest communication system on Earth? You know the top three – telephone, telegraph, tell a fireman.

  21. HolyMotherF*ckin'Moley

    February 21, 2012 at 3:18 am

    Seems to me like there are more “TG’s” out there than any of us had ever imagined….And don’t they all fill the same cheap suit of douchebaggery! I try to walk away from TG’s immediately as I am a TG magnet. I’m the guy all the crazy people want to stop and talk to, I’m also the guy that just says I was in the “regular army” because I don’t like to talk about the places I’ve been, the things I’ve done or the people I know. If U know, then YOU know….but TG is the guy who has to squeeze every once of bullshit out of his beret, because he thinks he EARNED it. Just like he claims he earned his blue cord, truth be told the wash out rate for his class was probably zero since they just re-re-recycled these miscreants. This Fella doesn’t believe in wearing a CIB instead he wears his EIB because “it’s harder to get”. He wears a mustard stain on his wings because he jumped into baghdad, despite it having already been captured and secured by ODA & 3ID. He wears those Tighter than speedos under armour because he actually thinks he can count his abs when U can actually just see his pooch peeking. His greatest claim to fame is having been attached to play op-for in RTB yet he thinks he should be able to wear the scroll….He probably couldn’t tell U why a Ranger wears a Tan beret instead of a Black one yet he believes he could have gotten his green one if one he had wanted to.*LOL* Ah, to the ridiculous TG’s. How sad and pathetic your existences must really be for your to fabricate a web of lies so intricate YOU’VE no clue where it began or where it ended! Hope one day U can look in the mirror and be proud of one thing U did in your sad, lackluster stint in the Army.

  22. U2? Me 2?

    February 21, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Sounds like Frankie, a guy I knew in at Fort Bragg in the 80s (I’d tell you what unit, but it was PRETTY classified…OK, you got me…it was the 82nd). Frankie was the guy who hated military towns because the women were so stuck up. He couldn’t (wouldn’t?) even talk to a girl at the mall in Fayetteville, but “back home” he scored a different hot chick every night. He was an accomplished surfer from Cali, although all of his enlistment records were from Oklahoma; high school diploma, birth certificate, enlistment documents, etc. Apparently, was born in Okie, graduated there, and enlisted there, but every other day of his life was on the shore surfing the waves in California. The creme de la creme, though, came when we raided his barracks room and found a letter from a fat girl back home (Oklahoma…not his REAL home in L.A.) going on and on about how he should be careful over there in Special Forces and how proud she was of his graduating the Q-Course and blah, blah, blah.

  23. Grisky

    February 21, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Show of hands, how many of us personally know the guy that saved a clearing barrel from an Lt. who forgot to drop his mag?

  24. Hurricane

    February 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I once new a man, he was made of steel and was accepted to 5th group without SFAS, upon this amazing feat he then drove to new jersey to report. Once he reported, they sent him straight to the stan, where he hooked up with the spooks, and went offline, for what he said was the darkest op he ever had been on…………now this story may have worked to drop some unknowing drunk sorority girls panties, in a town far far away, but much to his dismay, he had left his current location enabled on his Facebook page. So the point of the story is, even on the darkest of op, in the most dangerous of danger, don’t post on fb that you are finally back on a COB while your actually standing in line at Wal Mart.

  25. Nobucks

    February 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

    No Shit, there I was, out of ammo and knee deep in hand grenade pins. My bayonet was busted and my pocket knife was rusted shut! I looked out, and all I saw was enemy. Was I scared? Hell yeah! I was scared! Scared they might get away!

  26. DH

    February 27, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I taught the Honey Bdger everything it knows. I’m such a badass.

  27. Jack

    February 28, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    My former governor once said: “You haven’t hunted unless you’ve hunted man.” Was stationed in the Philippines during ‘Nam.

    He was elected in large part because all of his UDT/SEAL stories of glory. Got punched and knocked out by an actual SEAL in ’06.

    Jesse Ventura–He’s “that guy.”

  28. Black

    February 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    My brothers and I are all former military. While my little brother and I were Army Infantry, my older was a Marine commo monkey. He openly admits that he was a POG that just got drunk for four years in Hawaii and Oki (a coconut Marine as he calls it). But all three of us have noticed that most former POGs have a tendency to be TG.

    “Yeah, I was a cook… but I did some other shit I can’t talk about.”

    “Well I was a generator mechanic, but I was loaned out to SF in Afghanistan and did like twenty crazy missions with them.”

    My personal favorite were the Privates and Specialists that were in HUMINT or some other Intel job.

    “Yeah, the Taliban has bounties on our head. We’re like the most feared guys in combat.”

    POGs provide nonstop entertainment for trigger-pullers. I love POG TG’s. Especially now that I’m in college. Once I say I was in the Infantry, let alone mention the sniper thing, the TG stories go into overdrive.

  29. David "I met the Leg 2nd Ranger Bn Sniper 3rd ID Airassault Guy"

    March 16, 2012 at 12:17 am

    I let TG hang himself everytime. I think its fun.
    I was on leave Christmas time 2006. At the time I was a Drill Sergeant at Ft Jackson and had my head shaved. So I go to a party with one other friend that was in the Army and a bunch of civilian friends from home. We show up and some one said “oh yeah Dave is home from the Army on Christmas Leave!”
    So TG come up to me,”so your in the Army? Where are you stationed at?” I say “Fort Jackson, I am home because of the Christmas Exodus.”
    TG Oh Yeah I am in teh Army too. 11 Bravo Infantry. I was with 3rd ID’s Air Assault unit.”
    Me “Oh yeah I have some friends from 3rd ID, what unit were you with?
    TG “1-184″
    Me “Isnt that the National Guard Unit from Modesto, California?”
    TG “Yeah well uhh we were attached to 3rd ID. But before that I was a Sniper at 2nd Ranger Bn.”
    Me (knowing a actual sniper from 2nd Bn that I went to DS School with) “so what company are you in?”
    TG “charlie”
    Me “oh so you know ******?”
    TG “Uh no. are sure he was in Charlie?”
    Me “so was ****** and ******. when did you say you were there?
    TG “02-04. Yeah Ranger School was the hardest 58 days in the Military”
    Me “58 days hmmmmm. So your one of those Airborne guys to then arent you?”
    TG “no, every Ranger BN has a company of Leg Rangers.”
    Me “really? I kinda thought you had to go through OCET, Jump School, RIP, then show up to your unit and wait your chance to get your Tab?
    TG “no not for me. I just went from Infantry School to Bn. How do you know all that kind of stuff your just home from Basic Training Right?”
    Me “hahahahah no. I am on leave from Fort Jackson because I am a Drill Sergeant there.
    TG “He bro I gotta go but it was real nice meeting you”
    Everyone was rolling on the floor laughing at this freak when he left.

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