Syria – Dumbed Down
By Kerry Patton
Anyone can attempt to depict Syria as one thing or another. Yes, I could provide a link to analysis like the one above and loads of commentary about such but let’s be very honest with ourselves—this is the Rhino Den. We don’t have the time nor do the majority of our readers have the patience to read through such diatribes. So let me do my best to break down Syria at a level everyone can appreciate.
Where the hell is Syria anyway?
The Levant is a geographical land mass that expands north from Israel into Lebanon, then crosses over into Syria, which then moves across into Turkey and eventually stops around Iran. Guess what? Syria is in the Levant. Why is this important to understand? Great fucking question!
Like most places in the Levant, Syria is a melting pot—always has been and likely always will be. People from all over the world travel to Syria due to its significant land and sea ports. Arabs, Kurds, Armenians, and even Israelites have historically lived in Syria. But today, not only do these ethnicities live in Syria, you could find almost every single continent represented in Syria—Asians, North and South Americans, Africans, Europeans, etc.
So what? SO WHAT?!!! How dare you!
Apparently some readers saying “so what” have not ventured off to places that cross-pollinate Arabs, Kurds, Armenians, Israelites, etc. Go see for yourself why any young twenty something testosterone-filled male (opposite of the Bradley…ummm…Chelsea Manning types) would want to go to Syria. Ok, let me be blunt—Syria has some of the hottest women in the world!
Ever hear of Jeny Asber? Well, here is a picture of the Syrian model turned actress. HOT!!! Oh, you wish she would just simply wear some bikini instead of a traditional burka? Guess what, not all Syrian women wear that stupid all black bed sheet bullshit. That’s right, Syrian women can often be seen showing off some serious skin!
Oh yeah, and in her day, I wouldn’t have minded seeing the first lady of Syria wearing a two piece show all bikini, either. And no, I wouldn’t have needed a six pack to hop in the sack with her either—that is, if I was still single…
Speaking of six packs…
Unlike most of those sand-filled, camel transport, Middle Eastern nations who swear up and down alcohol is haram, did you know it’s completely legal to drink booze in Syria?
Yes, in Syria, it’s legal to drink and they even have their own national beer—Barada. But you’re too late getting into Syria to try a bottle (one liter, by the way) because rumor has it that it’s temporarily not being manufactured due to the war. However, you can always try Al Chark. Mind you, both brews range from 3.5-3.7% alcohol. So go at it! Drinks on Al Assad!!!!
Speaking of Al Assad….
Ok, hopefully you know who Bashar Al Assad is…If you didn’t, do some pushups!
Bashar Al Assad is the current leader in Syria. He is the douche everyone is fighting over. He is the guy who, just this past Sunday, Secretary of State John Kerry claimed was a “thug and murderer.” Mind you, Kerry also claimed back in 2011, Al Assad was a “very generous man.” Well…which one is he?
Ok, so the guy likes the idiots running Iran…big deal. Yeah, I get it; he also likes the Kremlin…so what?
I see Al Assad as an opportunist who is willing to work with whomever he can to stay in power. Really, don’t all world leaders do the same thing? And let’s face it, he isn’t the most attractive guy in the world and he does have a hot wife. This means…the man’s got game!
What’s really crazy?
Everyone seems to hate Bashar Al Assad. Some Christians and Jews in Syria can’t stand the guy even though he is one of the few in his region who never established some rogue religious police force ensuring no Christian or Jew could ever practice their faiths. I mean, shit, in Syria, during Christmas, you can see all sorts of Christian re-enactments toward the birth of baby Jesus which includes nativity scenes.
Maybe this is why the Islamists hate him….Yup, Islamists closely aligned with Al Qaeda wish nothing more than to see Syria turn into some die-hard, Sharia-abiding nation. Al Nusra is the largest fighting force today in Syria fighting against Al Assad. And they are part of Al Qaeda. The same fucktards we had to beat the shit out of in Iraq.
What the hell should we do about Syria?
It seems like Syria isn’t really all that bad after all. Well, at least prior to this shin dig consisting of the brutal murder of well over 100,000 people. I mean, any place that has hot chicks, to include its first lady, plenty of booze, beaches, chicks in bikinis on those beaches, and all three Abrahamic religions openly practicing their faiths—what can be so bad?
If it were up to me, I would simply tell Russia, who is now currently serving as Syria’s greatest ally, to simply intervene and do whatever they need to do to ensure Al Assad remains in power. In doing so, we would actually be enhancing diplomatic relations toward the Kremlin as well. Sure, the house of Saud wouldn’t like that, but screw them. They harvested 15 out of the 19 hijackers that attacked us on 9-11. They are lucky we didn’t invade them. In fact, screw Syria; let’s start a war against the House of Saud!
Kerry Patton is author of Contracted II: America’s Terror Trackers