Syria – Dumbed Down

Updated: September 3, 2013


By Kerry Patton

Anyone can attempt to depict Syria as one thing or another. Yes, I could provide a link to analysis like the one above and loads of commentary about such but let’s be very honest with ourselves—this is the Rhino Den. We don’t have the time nor do the majority of our readers have the patience to read through such diatribes. So let me do my best to break down Syria at a level everyone can appreciate.

Where the hell is Syria anyway?

The Levant is a geographical land mass that expands north from Israel into Lebanon, then crosses over into Syria, which then moves across into Turkey and eventually stops around Iran. Guess what? Syria is in the Levant. Why is this important to understand? Great fucking question!

Syrian Culture:

Like most places in the Levant, Syria is a melting pot—always has been and likely always will be. People from all over the world travel to Syria due to its significant land and sea ports. Arabs, Kurds, Armenians, and even Israelites have historically lived in Syria. But today, not only do these ethnicities live in Syria, you could find almost every single continent represented in Syria—Asians, North and South Americans, Africans, Europeans, etc.

So what? SO WHAT?!!! How dare you!

Apparently some readers saying “so what” have not ventured off to places that cross-pollinate Arabs, Kurds, Armenians, Israelites, etc. Go see for yourself why any young twenty something testosterone-filled male (opposite of the Bradley…ummm…Chelsea Manning types) would want to go to Syria. Ok, let me be blunt—Syria has some of the hottest women in the world!

Jenny AsberEver hear of Jeny Asber? Well, here is a picture of the Syrian model turned actress. HOT!!! Oh, you wish she would just simply wear some bikini instead of a traditional burka? Guess what, not all Syrian women wear that stupid all black bed sheet bullshit. That’s right, Syrian women can often be seen showing off some serious skin!

Oh yeah, and in her day, I wouldn’t have minded seeing the first lady of Syria wearing a two piece show all bikini, either. And no, I wouldn’t have needed a six pack to hop in the sack with her either—that is, if I was still single…

Speaking of six packs…

Unlike most of those sand-filled, camel transport, Middle Eastern nations who swear up and down alcohol is haram, did you know it’s completely legal to drink booze in Syria?

Yes, in Syria, it’s legal to drink and they even have their own national beer—Barada. But you’re too late getting into Syria to try a bottle (one liter, by the way) because rumor has it that it’s temporarily not being manufactured due to the war. However, you can always try Al Chark. Mind you, both brews range from 3.5-3.7% alcohol. So go at it! Drinks on Al Assad!!!!

Speaking of Al Assad….

Al AssadOk, hopefully you know who Bashar Al Assad is…If you didn’t, do some pushups!

Bashar Al Assad is the current leader in Syria. He is the douche everyone is fighting over. He is the guy who, just this past Sunday, Secretary of State John Kerry claimed was a “thug and murderer.” Mind you, Kerry also claimed back in 2011, Al Assad was a “very generous man.” Well…which one is he?

Ok, so the guy likes the idiots running Iran…big deal. Yeah, I get it; he also likes the Kremlin…so what?

I see Al Assad as an opportunist who is willing to work with whomever he can to stay in power. Really, don’t all world leaders do the same thing? And let’s face it, he isn’t the most attractive guy in the world and he does have a hot wife. This means…the man’s got game!

What’s really crazy?

Everyone seems to hate Bashar Al Assad. Some Christians and Jews in Syria can’t stand the guy even though he is one of the few in his region who never established some rogue religious police force ensuring no Christian or Jew could ever practice their faiths. I mean, shit, in Syria, during Christmas, you can see all sorts of Christian re-enactments toward the birth of baby Jesus which includes nativity scenes.

Maybe this is why the Islamists hate him….Yup, Islamists closely aligned with Al Qaeda wish nothing more than to see Syria turn into some die-hard, Sharia-abiding nation. Al Nusra is the largest fighting force today in Syria fighting against Al Assad. And they are part of Al Qaeda. The same fucktards we had to beat the shit out of in Iraq.

What the hell should we do about Syria?

It seems like Syria isn’t really all that bad after all. Well, at least prior to this shin dig consisting of the brutal murder of well over 100,000 people. I mean, any place that has hot chicks, to include its first lady, plenty of booze, beaches, chicks in bikinis on those beaches, and all three Abrahamic religions openly practicing their faiths—what can be so bad?

If it were up to me, I would simply tell Russia, who is now currently serving as Syria’s greatest ally, to simply intervene and do whatever they need to do to ensure Al Assad remains in power. In doing so, we would actually be enhancing diplomatic relations toward the Kremlin as well. Sure, the house of Saud wouldn’t like that, but screw them. They harvested 15 out of the 19 hijackers that attacked us on 9-11. They are lucky we didn’t invade them. In fact, screw Syria; let’s start a war against the House of Saud!

Kerry Patton is author of Contracted II: America’s Terror Trackers





  1. NinjasLeadTheWay

    September 3, 2013 at 10:34 am


  2. Eric Hook

    September 3, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I finally understand politics.

  3. ba

    September 3, 2013 at 11:04 am

    no mention of chemical weapons?

    It is ironic to watch so many right wing conservative war hawks (that were gung ho to invade Iraq on sketchy cherry picked/massaged intel about Saddam possibly having chemical weapons) that are wanting to do nothing against a leadership that just used chemical weapons on its population.

    Not saying military strike is necessarily that best option but the conservative pundits are turning circles on this one. They can’t decide whether they want to critique Obama for attacking or for not attacking.

    Rumsfeld was actually on fox the other night saying that we need to not rush to judgement and shouldn’t strike militarily until we have more information. Too bad he wasn’t more measured and diplomatic when he was actually in a position to take part in making such decisions.

    Hannity was all over the place. He was saying it would be wrong to strike because we would only be helping Al Queda and then 10 minutes later was attacking Obama for not already striking Syria.

    • JP

      September 3, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      You know not what you speak of. Number one: Dems voted to attack Iraq on the same intel Repubs used. Number two: It is a fact that Saddam killed hundreds of thousands with chemical weapons. Number three: This is, according to our president, a crossing of his red line and he says it is the humane thing to do even though only a couple of thousand have been killed with chemical weapons. Number four: The enemy of Bashar is our worst enemy Al Queda. Number five: I fought Hezbollah in Lebanon in 1983. They are fighting Al Queda. Let them kill each other! I could do this all day. I am not a repub but I certainly am no Dem! They are all VERY corrupt, especially this President!

    • Jonah

      September 5, 2013 at 5:58 pm

      It’s because the hated Obama is pushing for war with Syria, that’s why the neocon chickenhawks are backing off. It was OK when VP Cheney was frothing to deal with Syria.

      • leftoftheboom

        September 5, 2013 at 8:19 pm

        If we use military force in Syria, we are looking at full use of weapons of mass destruction and inviting war with the Russians.

        Without allies because our main partner, Britain, wants no part of this. Mostly because this time involvment would be insane.

        Besides, we don’t buy oil from Syria.

  4. ba

    September 3, 2013 at 11:07 am

    The other funny thing is the Treatment of Great Britain.

    When France failed to back the coalition in Iraq our politicians and media pundits blasted them as cowards. Congress was so angry they had to rename French Fries as Freedom Fries.

    Now when Great Britain fails to have our back they attack Obama.

    I didn’t vote for Obama and do not care for him, however, I would love to see someone take some of these politicians and pundits and make them watch their previous statements on Iraq/France etc. and contrast it with their current posturing.

  5. Cobalt Spider

    September 3, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Syria is a bad place because you have to choose the lesser of two evils.

    Evil one. The local government is using chemical weapons on their own population. That’s bad. Bad in an unholy way that the whole UN should be up in arms about. There are 193 member states in the UN. We got exactly 0 others to vote sending troops /planes / missiles in to remove them from power. They have serious flaws but for the neighborhood they’re the guys we like most in the middle east.

    Evil two. The guys they’re fighting are Al-Qaeida. Yea THAT Al-Qaeida. If we take Assad out, we’re handing them the country on a silver platter. Just a bad sandwich either place you bite into it. Great Britain doesn’t want to. Why are we the only kid stupid enough to attack anyone on a dare? Stay out. Send an apology letter to the innocents living in Syria caught in the cross fire. Don’t send in un-marked crates of machine guns and rockets.

    Nobody else in the world wants to intervene. Sit this one out. Put the guns down. Take a deep breath. Politic with Russia. Like those Washington politicians are paid to do.

  6. Froggy

    September 3, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Actually, Assad has essentially been the protector of Christians in Syria all along. I have Christian friends in Lebanon who used to travel to Syria often to see family that “rebel” graffiti in Syria way back in 2011 said, “Alawites to the grave, Christians to the cross.” We inadvertently instigated a Christian genocide in Iraq when it became unstable following the invasion and many of the survivors fled to Syria at the time where they could live and worship in peace. Now those people are getting their asses handed to them once again and fleeing to Lebanon. If Lebanon is lost, there will be no place on Earth where Arab Christians can freely worship in their own culture.

    Lebanon is also loaded with super hot women.

    Totally concur that we should sit this one out as there is no advantage for the US if Assad goes down. The CBR event that occurred there is most likely the result of al Qaeda not Assad. Why would he use CBR in a war he is not losing? The only way he could ensure that world opinion could be galvanized against him is to use CBR weapons in the conflict. This man is a western trained doctor, not some cave dwelling retard.

  7. leftoftheboom

    September 3, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Okay here are my thoughts.

    One: forget who has hot chicks, we can find more or they can leave. I am fairly certain there were some hot chicks in Nagasaki and Hiroshima and after we visited, they were really hot, incandescent even. If Al Assad is the good guy, he should be asking for help to bolster his credibility. He is not.

    Two: Russia is not going to back down this time. Putin is feeling his power and he is seen as a much stronger and more decisive leader than Obama. Obama has already insulted him twice and remember that little, wait till I get re-elected sidebar they had, which Obama did not fulfill. Syria has long been supported by Russia and has been in effect a puppet state. If we push military intervention we have the chance to be staring down the barrel at a global conflict that could re-ignite the Cold War if not set off World War III.

    The chemical weapons have been used. There is nothing that says they cannot or will not be used again. So if we send troops and they get gassed we are again in a no win situation. The policy of the U.S. has been that a gas, is a bio, is a nuke, and since we retain only our nuclear capability, we will respond to a gas attack with a nuke. Personally I don’t think Obama has the stones to give the launch order but that is actually beside the point. One, who would we fire at? This is not cut and dried. If chemical weapons were to be used against us, solid concrete evidence would be severely lacking and retaliatory fire authorization would be hard to give, picking a target at random would be insane. Two, when we don’t fire, even if we restrained ourselves for all the right reasons, we will be seen as weak because we have told the world what we would do and here we are not doing it. Three, the American people would go berserk if troops are killed by chemical weapons. And the Russians could re-ignite the Cold War and maybe set off World War III. You think Putin would be good with us dropping a nuke that close to his yard? Not to mention Turkey or anyone else in the region. And we would have brought it on ourselves by intervening in the first place.

    I have a nasty suspicion that if we actually get involved, we invite both sides to turn on us. Al Qaeda is already in play and we will look permanently stupid by supporting them when we spent over 10 years fighting them. Getting involved in this is like playing in traffic, you get the chance to get hit from all sides.

    Firing one missile from a naval vessel into this mess is an invitation for WW III. Believe it.

    Oh and one more scary thought. If Al Qaeda is the ones that used the chemical weapons, what happens when they give some to friends who happen to be visiting New York? I hope Assad is the one that used them. It means they are not loose.

  8. leftoftheboom

    September 3, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    That slide looks like the slide Gen McChrystal is rumored to have said
    “when we figure out this slide, we will win the war.”

  9. Charlie N

    September 3, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Well, no wonder Uncle Sam never sent me there. He never wanted me to have good scenery to look at.

    Our current resident at 1600 is not capable of the job he was gifted with. Not at all good with facts, or able to make rational decisions. Remember, “the friend of my enemy is my enemy, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Those positions are subject to rapid change.

  10. Thomas Baldwin

    September 5, 2013 at 5:26 am

    We need to stay strong, say what we mean and do what we say. It is our duty to gain control of our Great Nation before these elected officials drive us into oblivion. Vote for the real hero’s who will protect and defend our Constitution and Way of Life. No more giving away our Children’s and grand-children’s futures because these people have no honor to live up to their oaths of Office.

  11. Uncle Buster

    September 6, 2013 at 7:31 pm


    WELL SAID! I’d even go one step farther: tell Putin that Syria is his, Israel is ours, pressure Assad to sign a peace treaty with Israel as a condition for our support of this arrangement and then look the other way and let Assad sort his country out. We turn back the jihadists, we get a known quantity, and maybe even get Iran to say “WTF? What are they doing? We thought Odalf was going to give us an opportunity to mobilize all the martyrs!”

    Sorry, the fact that Assad is a dictator doesn’t fill me with “righteous outrage” like it does the Libtards. I’ll take a dictator and a stable country over the frothing crowds of jihadi fighters ten times out of ten.

    Give Assad carte blanche…then maybe I can score a hot Syrian chick once it’s safe to travel there again.

  12. 61 Mech Mike

    September 8, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Is this perhaps why that gutless coward Kerry is having a nappy rash over Syria? Assad has a a smoking hot wife!!!

    Marvellous what these pukes in the White House will do to divert attention from the massive domestic problems there are. I would have thought reducing that 16 Trillion dollar debt would be a good idea NOT BLOODY ADDING TO IT!

    You chaps really need to give this Odalf regime a rocket never mind sending one to Syria!

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