Skin Conditioning: The Basics
Military service requires many things. The most important is thick skin. Without this attribute, a person will be miserable until they develop it. The key is that one way or the other you will grow thick skin. We will make you.
Always remember, it is nothing personal or specific to you. We do it because it is entertaining and critical. We do not want to figure out that you are a pussyman or pussywoman when we really need you. Your thick skin is a benefit to both of us.
If you are in the developmental stage of skin conditioning, this can be a tough time. You may shed a few tears and have to deal with any number of conditioning exercises, as we will call them. You can train for this. It will not perfectly match the skin conditioning regiment that you receive, as they are all different. However, it may help knock the dust off that poon bagel.
Below is a list of situations used to assist new members or anyone identified as in need of conditioning. These things occur within a unit. They assist everyone in getting to know one another, build stories, and create bonds.
When reading, keep everything within context. For example, vagina is not female genitalia for the purposes of this article. It is not gender specific, but applies to both male and female. The word vagina is used metaphorically to identify a state of being that requires some form of correction.
Below is the future that your path leads you. Enjoy, if you dare to enter.
- Contrary to popular belief, your mom does not work here! Now get this shit squared away before I high five your face.
- A loofa in a community shower is a candidate for a golden shower.
- Terminal boredom is the leading cause of experiments in freezing gear in buckets of water, hoisting covers up flagpoles, and designing intense treasure hunts. Take everything you own with you and at all times.
- There is only one way to find out what pisses a person off. We will find out. Then we will laugh and do it again.
- Prepare to defend why you wipe your ass from back to front or front to back. Yes, it is important.
- If you hear, “Is this story going anywhere anytime soon?” It is because nobody wants to hear your story.
- Any picture you show of your girlfriend is liable to end up in somebody’s spank bank.
- Do not ever try to give yourself a nickname. You will regret it.
- If your mom comes to your unit, expect everyone to stand around and check her out. This behavior is a spank bank developmental tool.
- Morale gear comes in all shapes, sizes, and physical abilities… if you know what I mean.
- Expect to be called a vagina and/or douchebag in every way possible. This is a highly regarded art form.
- Expect to receive instructions on douching your alleged vagina in every way possible. An extension of the above art form.
- Expect to receive a diagnosis for certain vaginal conditions, real or fictitious.
- If you do something stupid, do not expect empathetic support. Instead, expect laughter on your behalf, a possible new nickname, and continued ridicule. This will continue until another ass clown’s actions overshadow yours.
- Your nuts are going to be “tapped.” It is nothing personal or sexual, although very painful and spontaneous. Very spontaneous!
- If you attempt to redirect a joke back to me, I will just laugh….and then you get nut “tapped.”
- If you choose not to wear shower shoes, you are choosing to soak your feet in baby gravy.
- It may not feel like it, but we do it all because we like you…and it is entertaining.
- If you cannot find your morale sock, do not go looking for it. Just get a new one.
- Unlike civilian life, there are stupid questions! You will receive acknowledgement when you ask a stupid question. On the good side, you will still get an answer to your question…and then nut “tapped.”
- Maybe, um, I guess, well, or anything of that nature are unacceptable as an answer. Find your spine and own your answer.
- Liberty is a privilege, not a right. Crying about working late is highly likely to get you more attention than you are already receiving.
- We like new things because we become bored easily. Do not be the new thing!