Ranger Up’s Guide to the Top Movies of 2013
By RU Twisted.
The biggest problem with most movie reviews is that, well, they are incredibly lame.
Movie reviewers like to write in a fashion that makes them feel infinitely more important than they really are and give the impression that reviewing movies is serious business that can only be accomplished by those with a true appreciation for the fine arts.
You and I know that’s hogwash. And, like most things, we also know that the Veteran community probably has the resources to do it better, faster, and with more awesomeness.
In light of that, we bring you our down-and-dirty on the top grossing movies of 2013 in a way that’s meant for people that don’t, well…suck at life.
The Heat: I didn’t see this one. You know why? Because it has Sandra Bullock in it. Just reading the synopsis and watching the trailer would indicate that her character is supposed to be super smart and super tough, neither of which is in any way believable of Sandra Bullock. To make matters worse, she is joined by another woman who is supposed to be super smart and super tough, but in that raw-and-from-the-streets kind of way that “keeps it real.” Not only no, but hell no. The fact that it was one of the top grossing movies this year reaffirms that we are, in fact, doomed as a race.
The Croods: I saw this one because I have kids and people with kids watch movies like these. So if you have kids you will watch this movie. If you don’t, you won’t. So there’s really not much more that can be said about it, other than to say it won’t make you mad at humanity and is watchable.
World War Z: If you’re expecting a screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ book of the same title you will be disappointed. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a zombie flick staring Mr. Angelina Jolie, you will get exactly what you would anticipate. The positive side of the movie is that Pitt’s character is not some super-secret badass who is the most elite killing machine ever like the protagonist usually is in movies like these. He’s more of a regular dude—just one that has some high-up connections in the government. I felt it was fairly solid, yet would not fist fight to defend that assessment.
Gravity: The aforementioned Sandra Bullock is apparently some sort of scientist in this one. Do we really need to go into a discussion of why that’s utterly ridiculous? I would like to ask the question of “how stupid do they think we are,” but I’ve seen what comes out on the television and already know the answer.
Star Trek: Into Darkness: The Trekkies who have their panties in a bunch about how this doesn’t follow along with the original timeline can suck it. Into Darkness was a fantastic sci-fi action movie with a great cast. Those folks who took over the Star Wars franchise should maybe take notes on this one, as it made the last few turds that George Lucas produced look like Sandra Bullock movies (see what I did there?). Yeah, I said it—bring the hate.
Oz the Great and Powerful: Not terrible, but also not good. This falls in the category of not gouging your eyeballs out while your kids watch it, but also not feeling guilty about playing solitaire on your phone while they do.
Fast & Furious 6: I didn’t see this one because I don’t have to. I’m going out on a limb and say that Paul Walker drives really fast while looking pretty, The Rock smashes people, Vin Diesel pretends to be as tough as The Rock, and Michele Rodriguez acts like she does in every single movie she’s ever been in, which defies science in that she is actually more annoying than Sandra Bullock. I would also wager that the good guys win.
Monsters University: See also, The Croods above.
Man of Steel: A re-imagining of the Superman story whereby the creators take the grittier-is-better theme that proved so successful in the recent Batman movies. There is, of course, one major problem with this methodology—namely, that Superman isn’t human and basically has no weaknesses. “Oh, but Kryptonite totally disables him!!” Shut up. That’s a lame weakness and everyone knows it. Where is the challenge in being Superman? Batman told in a dark and disturbing way works simply because he is human. He has weaknesses and is therefore relatable as a character, whereas every problem Superman encounters makes the viewer say “hey, umm, why don’t you just use your laser eyes or fly around the world and turn back time?” There is never a moment in a Superman story where the viewer believes he’s actually in trouble, and therefore no challenge to overcome, which is what people watch movies for in the first place.
Despicable Me 2: The people who created these movies luckily understand that parents often dread taking their kids to kids movies and have done a fantastic job of making this one as good as the first in keeping everyone entertained. As corny as it is, I thought this one was extremely entertaining.
Iron Man 3: Tony Stark gets PTSD from saving the world in The Avengers and nearly loses everything. It’s almost exactly what you would expect, except there is less Iron Man and more Tony Stark, making it a much more person-driven film than the previous two installments. There are still plenty of explosions and high-tech fun and Robert Downey Jr. continues to be one of the more enjoyable actors in Hollywood. My complaints are that A) Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, B) Gwyneth Paltrow exists and is in the movie, and C) Gwyneth Paltrow. Everything about her reeks of being a snooty actress type who has no understanding of reality and is supremely average in both looks and acting chops. She needs to just go away.
So, there you have it. Talking about movies is like talking about politics; everyone has an opinion and we all like to shout it out, so let us know in the comments what you think about the movies of 2013. And do so by making fun of your peers with lots of colorful names, because that’s how things get done.