RTFU

Ranger Up’s Guide to the Top Movies of 2013

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Updated: November 4, 2013

 

By RU Twisted.

The biggest problem with most movie reviews is that, well, they are incredibly lame.

Movie reviewers like to write in a fashion that makes them feel infinitely more important than they really are and give the impression that reviewing movies is serious business that can only be accomplished by those with a true appreciation for the fine arts.

You and I know that’s hogwash. And, like most things, we also know that the Veteran community probably has the resources to do it better, faster, and with more awesomeness.

In light of that, we bring you our down-and-dirty on the top grossing movies of 2013 in a way that’s meant for people that don’t, well…suck at life.

 

The Heat: I didn’t see this one. You know why? Because it has Sandra Bullock in it. Just reading the synopsis and watching the trailer would indicate that her character is supposed to be super smart and super tough, neither of which is in any way believable of Sandra Bullock. To make matters worse, she is joined by another woman who is supposed to be super smart and super tough, but in that raw-and-from-the-streets kind of way that “keeps it real.” Not only no, but hell no. The fact that it was one of the top grossing movies this year reaffirms that we are, in fact, doomed as a race.

The Croods: I saw this one because I have kids and people with kids watch movies like these. So if you have kids you will watch this movie. If you don’t, you won’t. So there’s really not much more that can be said about it, other than to say it won’t make you mad at humanity and is watchable.

World War Z: If you’re expecting a screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ book of the same title you will be disappointed. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a zombie flick staring Mr. Angelina Jolie, you will get exactly what you would anticipate. The positive side of the movie is that Pitt’s character is not some super-secret badass who is the most elite killing machine ever like the protagonist usually is in movies like these. He’s more of a regular dude—just one that has some high-up connections in the government. I felt it was fairly solid, yet would not fist fight to defend that assessment.

Gravity: The aforementioned Sandra Bullock is apparently some sort of scientist in this one. Do we really need to go into a discussion of why that’s utterly ridiculous? I would like to ask the question of “how stupid do they think we are,” but I’ve seen what comes out on the television and already know the answer.

Star Trek: Into Darkness: The Trekkies who have their panties in a bunch about how this doesn’t follow along with the original timeline can suck it. Into Darkness was a fantastic sci-fi action movie with a great cast. Those folks who took over the Star Wars franchise should maybe take notes on this one, as it made the last few turds that George Lucas produced look like Sandra Bullock movies (see what I did there?). Yeah, I said it—bring the hate.

Oz the Great and Powerful: Not terrible, but also not good. This falls in the category of not gouging your eyeballs out while your kids watch it, but also not feeling guilty about playing solitaire on your phone while they do.

Fast & Furious 6: I didn’t see this one because I don’t have to. I’m going out on a limb and say that Paul Walker drives really fast while looking pretty, The Rock smashes people, Vin Diesel pretends to be as tough as The Rock, and Michele Rodriguez acts like she does in every single movie she’s ever been in, which defies science in that she is actually more annoying than Sandra Bullock. I would also wager that the good guys win.

Monsters University: See also, The Croods above.

Man of Steel: A re-imagining of the Superman story whereby the creators take the grittier-is-better theme that proved so successful in the recent Batman movies. There is, of course, one major problem with this methodology—namely, that Superman isn’t human and basically has no weaknesses. “Oh, but Kryptonite totally disables him!!” Shut up. That’s a lame weakness and everyone knows it. Where is the challenge in being Superman? Batman told in a dark and disturbing way works simply because he is human. He has weaknesses and is therefore relatable as a character, whereas every problem Superman encounters makes the viewer say “hey, umm, why don’t you just use your laser eyes or fly around the world and turn back time?” There is never a moment in a Superman story where the viewer believes he’s actually in trouble, and therefore no challenge to overcome, which is what people watch movies for in the first place.

Despicable Me 2: The people who created these movies luckily understand that parents often dread taking their kids to kids movies and have done a fantastic job of making this one as good as the first in keeping everyone entertained. As corny as it is, I thought this one was extremely entertaining.

Iron Man 3: Tony Stark gets PTSD from saving the world in The Avengers and nearly loses everything. It’s almost exactly what you would expect, except there is less Iron Man and more Tony Stark, making it a much more person-driven film than the previous two installments. There are still plenty of explosions and high-tech fun and Robert Downey Jr. continues to be one of the more enjoyable actors in Hollywood. My complaints are that A) Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, B) Gwyneth Paltrow exists and is in the movie, and C) Gwyneth Paltrow. Everything about her reeks of being a snooty actress type who has no understanding of reality and is supremely average in both looks and acting chops. She needs to just go away.

So, there you have it. Talking about movies is like talking about politics; everyone has an opinion and we all like to shout it out, so let us know in the comments what you think about the movies of 2013. And do so by making fun of your peers with lots of colorful names, because that’s how things get done.

Comments

comments

20 Comments

  1. Dustan

    November 4, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    The irony is that “those folks who took over the Star Wars franchise” won’t need to “maybe take notes on this one” as the guy who made the new Star Trek movie is the same guy slated to take over the Star Wars franchise.

  2. JoeC

    November 4, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Nothing to say about Planes? That’s disappointing because it’s the only movie that came out this year that I felt was worth spending money to go see.

    • Mr. Twisted

      November 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      I just did the top grossing, not necessarily “the best.” I could be talked into doing that, however…

      • JoeC

        November 4, 2013 at 4:37 pm

        That would be an exercise in futility and frustration because there wasn’t anything just awesome this year. Just a whole lot of suck.

        • Mr. Twisted

          November 4, 2013 at 6:11 pm

          Well said. Ha!

  3. Brian W

    November 4, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    You did make one mistake with Superman… He can be killed in theory if he encounters another kryptonian, or a kryptonian construct, i.e. General Zod or Doomsday.

    • Mr. Twisted

      November 4, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      Again, that’s one very rare chance. He’s mostly indestructible and therefore very little “struggle” involved, which makes it very difficult to relate to him as a character.

  4. Ken

    November 4, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I think Gwyneth Paltrow did a great job in Iron Man 3, and is MOST CERTAINLY not average-looking. Those point seemed a little out of left field, but otherwise, good article.

    • Mr. Twisted

      November 4, 2013 at 3:56 pm

      LIES!!!!

      Seriously though, I just don’t see it. She screams “average” in every sense of the word.

      • JoeC

        November 4, 2013 at 4:39 pm

        Agreed. And she’s average with makeup on. Imagine what’s under that.

      • M. Schlitz

        November 4, 2013 at 4:46 pm

        Since I’ve actually met her once I have to agree with you. While she was nice it screamed fake personality.

  5. Whitey

    November 6, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Mr Twisted, if I may ask, why the hate for Sandra Bullock? I agree concerning “The Heat” and nice-to-look-at-but-otherwise-useless Michelle Rodriguez that the “tough chick” thing has been done to death, and reanimated, zombified, killed again, and came back as a ghost, etc. But why the hate?

    I make it a point to avoid the so-called “culture” of TMZ and People Magazine telling us how many times a given celebrity wiped their ass today, so I could be unaware of some Hollywood douchebaggery.

    • Mr. Twisted

      November 8, 2013 at 6:22 pm

      Whitey,

      Though I hate to answer a question with another question, my response is simply: why is she famous?

      Like Gwyneth Paltrow, I can go downtown and find 40 or 50 women that are easily better looking than both of them and can be every bit as bland as either one on screen. They portray the same character in every movie, and it is never interesting in any way. We are continually told by the press that people like her are “amazing” and “talented,” but….why?

      I realize I was harsh on Miss Bullock (partly for comedic affect), but the reality is that my picking on her applies to most of Hollywood. How many of these “actors” can actually, you know, act? Bullock is just the perfect example of people cast in roles that are completely unbelievable for them. I really can’t picture her doing anything at all in this world beyond working at The Gap or being a manager at Kohl’s.

      The older I get, the more crotchety I am towards the Hollywood crowd. I guess she just represents what I see in Hollywood as a bunch of spoiled kids who never worked for what they got.

      • Whitey

        November 10, 2013 at 3:19 am

        Understood. Although I actually liked Sandra Bullock in Blindside.

        Gwyneth Paltrow is indeed both useless and clueless, and is a 7 on her best day, if I’m feeling generous (6.3 otherwise). Plus my 4-year-old niece is a more convincing actress.

        I kinda feel the same way about Jennifer Anniston. Great example of somebody who plays the exact same character with a different name in everything she’s ever in. Though at least she’s in the 6.5-7.5 range.

        But then again, I’m still wondering why in the hell Uma Thurman ever got an acting job. She just got the living dog shit beat out of her with the ugly stick.

      • JoeC

        November 13, 2013 at 2:59 pm

        She’s famous for only one reason: Meg Ryan’s career was winding down and Hollywood had to find a new America’s Sweetheart pretty damn quick. Bullock was the only readily available option.

  6. brian

    November 7, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Everything said of Paltrow is right on. The only movie I liked her in was Seven and didn’t like her til the last scene.

  7. Emma

    November 9, 2013 at 9:03 am

    But Mr. Twisted you forget. Acting is just as hard as what you guys do downrange. Tom Cruise totally gets you guys. 😉

    • Whitey

      November 9, 2013 at 11:33 am

      I also posted this at TAH, sorry about the length.

      Wow, Tom Cruise is SOOO hardcore! Just ask him! He can fly an F-14 in a dogfight (with somebody else actually flying the plane while he rides in the backseat, and the editor cutting out the footage of him barfing on the camera), he can win a samurai katana duel (by stepping out of the shot and being replaced by a taller Japanese stuntman), he can bang Rebecca De Mornay in her prime (also taller Japanese stuntman), can make humanly impossible jumps to avoid certain death by explosion (as long as the CGI crew animates it correctly), make incredibly accurate shots with two guns at once (because you never miss when your prop gun’s blanks are tied to the gunshot squibs and fake blood packs under the other guy’s shirt), and take on five guys at once hand-to-hand and hand them their asses (as long as they know their part of the choreographed fight scene well enough). And strangely enough, he always seems to get typecast as a hateful midget–I can’t imagine why.
      You ever hear what happened when they were making “The Last Samurai?” Cruise was all excited because the movie was being made in Japan, so he’d finally be at least slightly taller than at least some of the other cast & crew members. He flew to Japan and discovered, to his dismay, that even in Japan he was still the shortest motherfucker in sight!

      Cruise was an asswipe doucheslick before he joined scientology. The “religion” amplified it way beyond normal human limits.

      Plus, I had to stop fantasizing about Olga Kurylenko when I heard she was the love interest in “Oblivion!” For that alone cruise should get a severe assbeating (from now on, I will stop capitalizing the turdburglar’s name as a proper noun)! Seriously, I can’t fantasize about her anymore knowing she was in a scene with the toxic little shit!

      And now the 4-foot tall (in platform shoes) walking yeast infection wants to go fishing for pity? Yeah, asshole, your acting gig is just like Afghanistan. ‘Cause every rifleman has a private luxury airplane to fly him wherever he wants, plus an agent to get him 5-star accommodations wherever he goes, a personal assistant to do EVERYTHING for him, and a contract guaranteeing him 3 million dollars a day whether he works or not. Yeah, asshole, your “life” is so damn hard.

      Fuck you, tom cruise, and the G-6 luxury jet you flew in on, you useless midget cocksucker.

  8. Rob

    November 12, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Super-Man is not immune to magic. Didn’t ya’ll see Smallville when Fanny Fishnets casts a spell on him and took away his powers?

  9. William Hamel

    November 14, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I expected more of the Great and Powerful Oz, but it’s just a children’s film that has nothing exciting.

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