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Quotes From JR…
By Jack Mandaville
I’m a born and bred Yankee. After my enlistment in the Marine Corps, I moved to Texas where I lived in both Austin and San Antonio—two of the more progressive cities in the state and not a far cry from my own upbringing. Around this time last year I moved to the midsized City of Midland, an oil-driven boomtown located in a region of West Texas known as the Permian Basin. (See: HG Bissinger’s Friday Night Lights for further information.)
Midland boasts the lowest unemployment rate in the nation. But, while jobs may be plenty, the rapid expansion of the city has caused a lack of adequate housing for the thousands of oil workers flooding into the city. As a result, I’ve moved into a house owned by a friend who is a local. His name is JR… and he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. A crass, wild, and stereotypical Texan, JR lives life on his own terms.
After his enlistment in the Army—where he served as a commo man in First Ranger Battalion and Tenth Mountain Division’s Long Rang Surveillance Detachment—JR returned to the Permian and has made a considerable living in the oil industry. Since he’s the archetypal West Texas personality and a native of the area, I’ve designated him as my official culture-guide and, in the process, documented all the priceless shit that comes out of his mouth.
Some of it makes me El-Em-Eff-A-Oh. Some of it makes me cringe. Either way, these are quotes from JR.
JR on dating in Midland: “Nah, man, don’t even bother lookin’ for any women in this town. You won’t find any who haven’t popped out two or three larva already.”
JR on race relations: “Then the kid comes crying to me after he got his ass kicked and was like, ‘Why don’t they ever mess with you?’ I looked him straight in the eye and was like, ‘Because I was the first white kid on the block. One white kid is okay. We can’t have two here. You and your family should move.”
JR on potential mates: (While scanning through a dating website he signed up for.) “These chicks didn’t just get hit with the ugly stick… they got sodomized by it.”
JR on personal delight: “I haven’t laughed this hard since I heard Amy Winehouse died.”
JR on Ronald Reagan: “They should just dig up his body. It could be like Weekend at Bernie’s at the White House.”
JR on government regulation: “They used to let a bunch of children and illegals work out here. That’s when I got started. Can’t do it anymore, though… fuckin’ OSHA ruined all the fun.”
JR on getting his money’s worth: “I paid her a hundred and fifty bucks for a half-hour. Well, I finished in five minutes and spent the rest of the time layin’ there, sweating and panting.”
JR on heartbreak: “That one really fucked with my head, man. After we were done, I would come home from work and eat a large pizza, Buffalo wings, and wash it down with a two liter of Coke… every night. That bitch was givin’ me diabetes.”
JR on The President after his post-Newtown gun control speech: “I hope he gets into a wrestling match in barb-wire with Magic Johnson.”
JR on Channing Tatum: “If someone told me all I had to do was blow that guy and I could look just like him, I would slob on that motherfucker like a Hoover vacuum. It’s not that I’m gay, I just know how much pussy I’d get if I looked like him.”
JR on country music: “Modern pop country sucks ass, man. It’s all the same. ‘I’m from the country, we tailgate, I love my truck, look at how hick we are.’ I swear, I’ll just start listening to Korean boy bands instead.”
JR on what brings him joy: “I love watching interracial porn. It’s not that I’m turned on by it, but I love watching some snooty, blonde white chick get put in her place by a bunch of throbbing black cocks.”
JR on Ted Kennedy: “That old man had the biggest pumpkin-head I’ve ever seen… like an orange on a toothpick. He must have displaced twenty gallons of water every time he got in the bathtub.”
JR on Roe v. Wade: “I’m glad I’m here and all, but it doesn’t mean I won’t pay for others to do it.”
JR on feminine hygiene: “We’ve put a man up on the moon, we have the technology. I don’t understand why we can’t create a stink-less pussy.”
JR on a potential dating opportunity: “Well, she’d probably be the first girl I fuck who weighs less than me, but she’s so brain-dead I don’t think I can do it.”
JR on working overseas: “Beijing was a nice city. Then we went out to the countryside and those people were backwoods as shit. I had one interpreter and all he ever did was ask me stupid questions about Texas… like if I had an oil-well and cactus tree in my backyard. And, apparently, nobody knows who the fuck Jackie Chan is out there!”
JR on his oak furniture: “I ran through a bunch of beds because I was bangin’ a lot of fat chicks. Then I bought this one… haven’t had any problems.”
JR on the arts: “My recruiter asked me if I wanted to get stationed in Texas. I said ‘Fuck no, I wanna get as far away from this state as possible’… so I ended up gettin’ stationed at Fort Stewart and would spend all of my off time hangin’ out with the sculpture-queers from the Savannah College of Art and Design.”
JR on Adele: “That whole fuckin’ album was about some dude who screwed her over. God forbid something ever happens to that little monster baby of hers, because we’ll never hear the fucking end of it.”
JR on his bowel movements: “Man, that was the Schindler’s List of shits. Nobody knows about it, but it smells.”