Protecting the Claus

Updated: December 5, 2013


By RU Twisted


There are a number of things that can be seen as blatant douchebaggery during the holiday season. People shooting each other over an Xbox, camping out to get the best black Friday “deal,” or attending endless parades of Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties, the silliness abounds as winter sets in.

Every so often, someone comes along and raises the bar on what it means to be a true ass hat. By taking on the responsibility of saying, yes, people this stupid exist, they remind us that we can never say we’ve seen it all.

Enter Allen Kanner, a California child and family psychologist who co-founded the Boston-based Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood—an organization that exists to complain about utterly ridiculous things. In this case, Santa’s Sleigh being given an Air Force fighter escort that has “missiles” on it.

You know the story. Every year the guys in NORAD—probably out of sheer boredom from being locked inside of a friggin’ mountain—make a little publicity for themselves by “tracking” Santa on their radar. Now they boys with the toys have added an animated fighter aircraft so they can show that they are doing their duty of keeping America safe.

Kanner, however, sees this as being “completely out of line” because , wait for it…links Christmas with the military.


Speaking to the Boston Globe, Kanner stated that “Children associate Santa with gifts and fun and everything else that is positive about Christmas,” and that the big meanie-pants at NORAD are “associating this with the military in children’s minds.” According to people like Kanner, who got his PhD in Irrelevancy, the idea of placing images of some of the greatest technology on earth with Santa is just, well, naughty.

Keep in mind, NORAD has been doing this for years. Since 1960, as a matter of fact. Tactical_Santa

Yet another poon bagel who finds reason to be opposed to America being awesome is Amy Hagopian, a professor of worthlessness at the University of Rumpleforeskin. In true lickspittle fashion, Hagopian complained that the military is just using this as a way to indoctrinate young minds so that they can one day be part of the big bad war machine that clearly affects her self-esteem.

Where in the name of White Christmas do these unholy snollygosters come from? More importantly, why are they being afforded the opportunity to speak in public?

Of course there are other issues with NORAD running this mission—do they really have the intelligence capability to determine whether or not Santa is a viable threat? Does an F-22 have the range to keep Santa’s sleigh on target for the breadth of American airspace? Is Rudolf really just a cocaine addict?—but let’s be serious, if these people are this butt-hurt over Santa having a fighter escort, it’s pretty clear they not only don’t have a life, but are trying to suck the cheer out of everyone’s stocking.

Heaven forbid the military gets any positive publicity. I’m sure that a cotton-headed ninnymuggins like Amy is rooting and cheering for the terrorists to win while attending hipster parties with her friends, but the rest of us are pretty fond of the good ol’ U.S. of A. I guess in her mind, pulling a Jane Fonda and essentially putting coal in everyone’s stocking is preferable to, you know…


I think a bigger question that needs to be addressed here—and one that is sure to offend several people—is one that asks why “child psychologists” are in favor of lying to children. Is that the latest and greatest in peer-reviewed studies on child behavior—to further their fantasy world for as long as possible? It would seem that, according to these geniuses, convincing children that a man who isn’t one of their parents sneaks into their house and snoops around once a year is “psychology.”

I think maybe moonbats like Amy and Allen are bitter about Christmas and just want everyone else to feel their angst. Were they left out in the cold during the holidays one year? Did we stumble upon a sad story whereby little Allen Mouth-Breather channeled his neglected Christmas-past into ensuring that American children remain even more sheltered than they already are?

tac-santaListen, we all know that NORAD tracking Santa and his Sleigh is completely ludicrous. I mean the CONOP on that would take more Power Point slides than Microsoft allows and the man hours would require a safety briefing that rivaled the Super Bowl in size and scope. But how much of a turd-burglar does one have to be to stand on a public stage and complain that children are being unfairly influenced by the military because of some lame publicity stunt?

There was, I’m afraid, an even bigger issue brought forward when the news covered this story. One of the videos released by NORAD tracking Santa showed an intelligence officer claiming that “Jack Frost and the Abominable Snowman will not be a threat.”

First of all, I saw Rise of the Guardians and would agree; Chris Pine is not a threat. But the Abominable Snowman…am I to understand from this news story that he has not only been found but determined to be tame? This is unsettling, to be sure. I had it in my head that he was assuredly Russian, drank lots of vodka, and was to be shot on sight.

Because that’s what we do with newly-discovered species—KILL THEM!


Opinions expressed on The Rhino Den are that of the author and do not necessarily reflect that of The Rhino Den or Ranger Up. If you eat a polar bear’s liver, you will die because a human being cannot handle that much vitamin A. 




  1. J

    December 5, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    I bet they are against the Marines doing Toys-For-Tots every year too. Damn jarheads and their gifts for under-priveledged children.

    • JoeC

      December 5, 2013 at 2:23 pm

      Oh come on! Everybody knows that the Marines don’t give a damn about those kids. They only reason they do that every year is to plant the seed of being a Marine in the head of those kids so that they will join the Corps when they grow up. That’s the best recruiting gig in the military! /sarcasm.

      • Matt Gray

        December 5, 2013 at 2:36 pm

        JoeC, you are a complete asshat. Are you a marine, and do you stay out in the cold for the toys. You have no clue what they think. They volunteer for that, so obviously they enjoy what they are doing and the joy they bring to the kids.

        • JoeC

          December 5, 2013 at 3:17 pm

          Are you really that stupid? Do you not see the “/sarcasm” at the end of my post you fucking dumbass window licker? Go play in the street.

          • Eric H

            December 6, 2013 at 3:45 pm

            Well, I could be wrong, but I believe sarcasm is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era

  2. Whitey

    December 7, 2013 at 3:22 am

    I thought the abominable snowman’s non-threatening “humble bumble” status was already established for some decades. If Burl Ives, Rudolf the red-nose reindeer, Yukon Cornelius, and the allied government of the Island of Misfit Toys all vouch for him, why is the Air Force wasting more taxpayer dollars evaluating him as a possible threat? Seems to me like that’s the real problem here.

    Oh yeah, Doctor Fucknuts and Professor WaddedPanties can sit down, shut up, and eat a plate of dicks.

    Merry Christmas, and God bless us, every one.

  3. John

    December 7, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    all this article really did is make me want an operator Santa action figure

  4. Kev Mitchell

    December 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    OK, I know “meanie-pants” and “moonbats”, “cotton-headed ninnymuggins” I can decipher, but what in hades is a “poon bagel”? Sounds nearly as bad as a “cock juggling thunder c*nt” (thanks, Blade 3)

  5. Yep

    December 11, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Everybody stop what they are doing and give “Matt Gray” a round-of-applause for firing from the hip. Congrats Matt, on being part of what is the problem with the world wide web(throwback). Please come up to the front of the formation and accept your Expert Keyboard Cowboy Badge from 1sgt. Once we release, seriously, go play in the street.

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