Presidential Politics, Part 2

Updated: September 11, 2011

By Mister Twisted

Note: Due to the glaring omission of Ron Paul’s military service from the last article, Mr. Twisted is currently required to do 100 burpees after each meal, which consists only of hot dogs and grape soda.

In part one I gave a basic outline of each candidate involved in the race to be the chosen one to face President Barrack Obama in the general election. After Ranger Up posted the question on Facebook regarding readers’ choice for three ideals upon which to stand on politically, I decided to include some of the recurring ideas in our breakdown of what makes each of these candidates super special.

First off, let’s not kid ourselves; all of them will disappoint you. It is a general rule that, upon attaining any office, a politician will lose approximately 32.7 IQ points (it’s a complex algorithm involving pi, quantum mechanics and Irish whiskey). As such, realize that whoever you choose will at some point do something incredibly stupid to infringe upon your sense of what this country is and should be. It’s in their nature. Having said that, let’s get into the biggest issues and see where each of them stands.

Individual liberty:
Michelle Bachmann: A staunch advocate of smaller government, but simultaneously wants government to define institutions such as marriage. Agree with that or not, this is where “libertarian” and “conservative” ideals butt heads. We can get into that debate in a separate column, but realize that if you want the government out of peoples’ private lives, you might have to put up with some dude marrying his hamster.
Mitt Romney: If you were in a room by yourself with the Mitter he would probably tell you that individual liberty is fantastic and that he’s hugely in favor of it. But looking at his record – socialized medicine, permanent assault weapons ban and insurance salesman-like hair – shows that “liberty” is not real high his priorities.
Jon Huntsman: Are we really going to pretend he’s in this race?
Herman Cain: This man really doesn’t care what you do with your time, as long as it involves you having a Coke and a Double Whopper in your hand.
Rick Perry: Talks a great game about individual freedoms but bears some striking similarities to the last President we had from Texas in that he likes to spend, spend, spend. And when politicians spend money, it’s never going towards something that increases your freedom.
Ron Paul: As mentioned in the last article, if you want ____ to be legal, Ron Paul is your guy. Snorting a big bag of China White off a hooker’s face is fine, just don’t use taxpayers’ dollars to do it.

Bachmann: The Congresswoman actually worked as a tax attorney for the IRS for quite some time. She claims it was so she would know how to defeat the system from the inside. On that note, how many of you are willing to join the Chinese Army? That’s what I thought.
Romney: It’s going to get old repeating this but it needs to be. Romney passed a massive health care bill in his state of Massachusetts while governor there. Who do you think pays for “government run health care”? It ain’t comin’ out of Millionaire Mitter’s pockets.
Herman Cain: No, he’s not really in the race but it’s fun to include him so we can make Godfather’s Pizza jokes.
Rick Perry: “I’ve cut taxes. I have delivered historic property tax reductions. I was the first governor since World War II to cut general revenue spending in our state budget” is what Perry said. However, some say he did increase taxes on businesses in Texas. And, rumor has it, he once kicked a puppy without apologizing for it.
Ron Paul: As the guy who essentially built the current Tea Party-type movement, I think it’s fair to say Congressman Paul is the only candidate who, if elected President, would not just veto new taxes but also start lobbing grenades into the offices of anyone who proposed them.

Bachmann: Has pledged never to sign any legislation restricting or banning any firearm or firearm-related thing. She also challenged the entire 75th Ranger Regiment to a shootout if elected President which, I have to admit, takes balls.
Romney: His record speaks for itself. He signed a permanent ban on certain types of rifles in Massachusetts because they look scary.
Herman Cain: Said that gun legislation is a “state’s rights issue.” Personally I find this odd as I’m pretty sure it’s mentioned in some type of federal legal document we have…
Rick Perry: Ol’ Rick claims that he packs heat on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, this means nothing because, believe it or not, so does Barbara Boxer (D-CA).* From his record in Texas it would appear he is very pro-gun, but I have yet to hear him make a reference to the Second Amendment including the right to mount a M240B on a Toyota, so he’s still suspect in my book.
Ron Paul: M240B? What are you, a support crew?? Get something heavier, man!
*As a general rule, never, ever trust the NRA’s rating system for politicians.

Size of Government:
Bachmann: How many tax attorneys do you know who are opposed to government growth? Either she’s one-in-a-million or a very crafty liar. With nice hair.
Romney: See above. If you vote for Mitt, do push-ups.
Herman Cain: Stay out of my business so I can make millions!
Rick Perry: As governor of Texas, Perry actually dropped hints regarding secession from the Union. His support for TSA-sponsored groping of children at airports indicates that this was nothing but political grandstanding. And pretty lame, really.
Ron Paul: Get off my lawn!

Well, there you have a short synopsis of some basic views by the current crop of Presidential hopefuls. No, I didn’t include President Obama in this list, simply because A) he’s already President and B) if you don’t know where he stands by now, you shouldn’t be voting.

As I said at the beginning, all of them will assuredly disappoint you. They desire to be in a position of power, and they plan to do so by playing upon your hopes, fears and needs. Understand that politics is not about ideology and winning intellectual battles; it is marketing. The team with the best message at the right time will get your money/vote/first-born child. Because of that, don’t expect any of these people to necessarily be who they say they are once they attain office.

Depending upon the needs of the Rhino Den, we can carry this thing all the way up to the general election. Personally, I am an advocate of scrapping the whole “election” process in favor of some Thunderdome-esque challenge for all the candidates. Build a big cage, throw some weapons in there with all the hopefuls and lock the door. It’s the only way we can really be sure who “won.”
Granted, that means Tim Kennedy would probably be our next President, which brings up a whole mess of other questions…

Until next time.

Mr. Twisted




  1. Antonio Aguilar

    September 12, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    After watching a couple of debates, I keep noting that Ron Paul wants to cut off a shit ton of funding to the military. NOT a good candidate for Commander in Chief if you ask me. Rick Perry, on the other hand, lets Texas have TWO military forces, the National Guard and the Texas State Guard (not much of a force, but still there and they’ll do in a pinch at the local level). Being a Guard soldier with prior active service, I’m going with the guy who likes us enough to make sure we have decent equipment and better pay (mean Perry).

  2. Mr. Twisted

    September 13, 2011 at 10:10 am


    While there is no question that Rep. Paul would cut funding if elected, it is also established that he would A) bring back all troops prior to doing so and B) cut funding to every government organization (in fact, he would make much higher cuts to other entities than he would the military).

    While I am not saying one way or another of whether I agree with him or not, spending does need to be cut — not increased. The problem, of course, is that in the military, spending cuts usually mean even the good parts get cut (JSOC, SOCOM, et al), instead of having the serious reform that needs to happen within the armed forces to reduce fraud, waste and abuse.

    President Bush had a similar view of the military that Gov. Perry does, from everything I’ve seen. Whether or not that is good or bad is up to you to decide, but remember that every policy carries with it a negative side affect, and remember that “more” is not always better.

  3. George

    September 14, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Ron Paul’s foreign policy is down right scary. If he truly thinks that we can protect America from America, that’s idiotic. Fiscally, he’s the man. As Commander-In-Chief, I wouldn’t follow him into the kitchen.

  4. divemaster harland

    September 14, 2011 at 10:35 am

    as for ron paul, i sure as hell wont support a deuche that gets campaign contributions from neo nazis, and camel jockey groups, ..as for NRA ratings, they gave Prick Scott (unfortunately Gov of Florida) a thumbs up, but he hasn’t done squat..all the ones running are useless idiots..as for the dude marrying the hamster, if he’s a hamster abuser, at least we wont have to pay for his vacation-i mean jail time..

  5. Minnesota COWBOY

    September 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    M. Bachmann

    Speaks fair but when came to own life was a tipcial lawyer hurray for me and F–k you Wants to build A bridge over the ST.CROIX 7-8 hundred mil. Nuts some of her Lawyer buddies want a faster way to Wisc. Dance bars She will be better off down with the Men at camp McCoy they have good use for her

  6. Chis A

    September 17, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Ha! I love the quotes for Ron Paul! And yes, ___ should always be legal as long as it does not harm anyone else or their property. That’s what liberty means!

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