By RU Special Guest Dallas Dunn Attending a job fair soon?...
By Grin and Barrett
In the aftermath of another nausea inducing trip to the sauna, I think it’s high time someone sets the standard for men’s etiquette. A disturbing vacuum exists within the male sphere of manners, and though we men pride ourselves on farting, belching, and all-around-field-stink, there is still a certain threshold that needs to be respected. Transgressors can be divided into several categories, each with its own distinct set of visual, audio or olfactory missteps. The worst, however, and the impetus for this particular article, is Disgusting Sauna Guy. So, without further ado, here is the list of dudes who make other dudes uncomfortable, starting with number one:
1. Disgusting Sauna Guy. Disgusting Sauna Guy never wears clothes. Ever. He is a usually a mountain of a man, tall and wide, and he has no regard for the visual sanity of others. My particular Sauna Guy speed walks, naked, through the locker room. Jiggly belly and butt sweat on display for all to see. Once he has properly lathered up, he proceeds to his calisthenics on the sauna bench, testicles dripping on the very wood (not THAT wood) that another poor schmuck may soon be sitting on. As his naked butt cheeks and scrotum massage the now soaking wet bench, he grunts and loudly exhales in sporadic bursts as he frantically strokes his straight-from-TV shake weight dumbbell up and down, up and down (I couldn’t make this crap up if I wanted to.) Then, gasping for air and quivering all over, Sauna Guy spreads his legs, leans over on with his hands on his thighs and looks you straight in the eye. What do you want dude? A congratulations? Stop looking at me! And put that sweaty, wrinkled pecker away!
2. Hand Wash Guy. Hand Wash Guy, or should I say No Hand Wash Guy, doesn’t buy into the urban legend of disease spread from poop infested hands. No matter if you are in garrison, or in the field, Hand Wash Guy is content to drop a deuce, then walk out of the bathroom without a ne’er ye well to the faucet. Hand Wash Guy then proceeds to touch the door handle, use his computer, and shake your hands, all while particles of his butt-residue adorn his hands. Listen to me carefully Hand Wash Guy. In garrison you have soap, in the field you have wipes and hand sanitizer. Use them. Wiping your hands on your ACUs is not an accepted method of washing your hands.
3. The Latrine Neighbor. Remember in the movie Ace Ventura when Jim Carey has to find out who is missing the diamond from their Super Bowl Ring? In one scene, Jim Carey stands next to a burly football player, taking the urinal stall right next to him. Awkward man-flirting results, with Jim Carey running away from the amorous player. This is our next offender of both man etiquette and the personal bubble, the Latrine Neighbor. The Latrine Neighbor knows no boundaries, and is no respecter of the Urinal and Toilet Stall accepted order. The accepted Urinal and Toilet Stall order is thus: In a configuration of three or more urinals/stalls, one never takes a position next to another user unless there is no alternative. For example, in a three urinal configuration, one never takes the middle stall, as this guarantees close urination proximity for the next person. Same applies to toilet stalls. The Latrine Neighbor not only disregards this basic truth, but flagrantly flaunts his ability to use another urinal/stall by always peeing/pooping right next to you. The Latrine Neighbor walks into a bathroom with eight stalls, and picks the one right next to you. He seems to believe that you are just waiting to bask in his aroma, and play footsie under the stall divider. Dude. Pick..another…stall.
4. The Mirror Gazer. I spent a rotation at JRTC last year as an Observer/Controller, living in a barracks with about 70 other guys. The prevailing offense in our little haven had nothing to do with smells or sounds, but had everything to do with a prevalence of self love, and not the sock kind. The Mirror Gazer isn’t as much offensive as he is annoying. The Mirror Gazer spends at least two hours a day doing nothing but flexing in front of the mirror, blowing kisses to himself. Often, you can find the Mirror Gazer doing nothing but staring into his own eyes, lips trembling at the awesomeness of his own self-grandeur. The Mirror Gazer will often cock his head to the side, smile, and giggle to himself. Steer clear of the Mirror Gazer, as I believe he may been spawned from a Stephen King novel.
These are just a few of the individuals to watch out for. I know that some of you have met these particular individuals, and I’m sure some of you can help shed light on a others. Share your stories and share own categories of man etiquette transgressors.