Men’s Etiquette

By Grin and Barrett

In the aftermath of another nausea inducing trip to the sauna, I think it’s high time someone sets the standard for men’s etiquette. A disturbing vacuum exists within the male sphere of manners, and though we men pride ourselves on farting, belching, and all-around-field-stink, there is still a certain threshold that needs to be respected. Transgressors can be divided into several categories, each with its own distinct set of visual, audio or olfactory missteps. The worst, however, and the impetus for this particular article, is Disgusting Sauna Guy. So, without further ado, here is the list of dudes who make other dudes uncomfortable, starting with number one:

1. Disgusting Sauna Guy. Disgusting Sauna Guy never wears clothes. Ever. He is a usually a mountain of a man, tall and wide, and he has no regard for the visual sanity of others. My particular Sauna Guy speed walks, naked, through the locker room. Jiggly belly and butt sweat on display for all to see. Once he has properly lathered up, he proceeds to his calisthenics on the sauna bench, testicles dripping on the very wood (not THAT wood) that another poor schmuck may soon be sitting on. As his naked butt cheeks and scrotum massage the now soaking wet bench, he grunts and loudly exhales in sporadic bursts as he frantically strokes his straight-from-TV shake weight dumbbell up and down, up and down (I couldn’t make this crap up if I wanted to.) Then, gasping for air and quivering all over, Sauna Guy spreads his legs, leans over on with his hands on his thighs and looks you straight in the eye. What do you want dude? A congratulations? Stop looking at me! And put that sweaty, wrinkled pecker away!

2. Hand Wash Guy. Hand Wash Guy, or should I say No Hand Wash Guy, doesn’t buy into the urban legend of disease spread from poop infested hands. No matter if you are in garrison, or in the field, Hand Wash Guy is content to drop a deuce, then walk out of the bathroom without a ne’er ye well to the faucet. Hand Wash Guy then proceeds to touch the door handle, use his computer, and shake your hands, all while particles of his butt-residue adorn his hands. Listen to me carefully Hand Wash Guy. In garrison you have soap, in the field you have wipes and hand sanitizer. Use them. Wiping your hands on your ACUs is not an accepted method of washing your hands.

3. The Latrine Neighbor. Remember in the movie Ace Ventura when Jim Carey has to find out who is missing the diamond from their Super Bowl Ring? In one scene, Jim Carey stands next to a burly football player, taking the urinal stall right next to him. Awkward man-flirting results, with Jim Carey running away from the amorous player. This is our next offender of both man etiquette and the personal bubble, the Latrine Neighbor. The Latrine Neighbor knows no boundaries, and is no respecter of the Urinal and Toilet Stall accepted order. The accepted Urinal and Toilet Stall order is thus: In a configuration of three or more urinals/stalls, one never takes a position next to another user unless there is no alternative. For example, in a three urinal configuration, one never takes the middle stall, as this guarantees close urination proximity for the next person. Same applies to toilet stalls. The Latrine Neighbor not only disregards this basic truth, but flagrantly flaunts his ability to use another urinal/stall by always peeing/pooping right next to you. The Latrine Neighbor walks into a bathroom with eight stalls, and picks the one right next to you. He seems to believe that you are just waiting to bask in his aroma, and play footsie under the stall divider. Dude. Pick..another…stall.

4. The Mirror Gazer. I spent a rotation at JRTC last year as an Observer/Controller, living in a barracks with about 70 other guys. The prevailing offense in our little haven had nothing to do with smells or sounds, but had everything to do with a prevalence of self love, and not the sock kind. The Mirror Gazer isn’t as much offensive as he is annoying. The Mirror Gazer spends at least two hours a day doing nothing but flexing in front of the mirror, blowing kisses to himself. Often, you can find the Mirror Gazer doing nothing but staring into his own eyes, lips trembling at the awesomeness of his own self-grandeur. The Mirror Gazer will often cock his head to the side, smile, and giggle to himself. Steer clear of the Mirror Gazer, as I believe he may been spawned from a Stephen King novel.

These are just a few of the individuals to watch out for. I know that some of you have met these particular individuals, and I’m sure some of you can help shed light on a others. Share your stories and share own categories of man etiquette transgressors.

16 Comments

1. 

   Mav

   July 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

   Solid article. Sweaty-old-naked-ballsack guy is the reason I no longer hit the sauna after a workout.

   Reply
2. 

   You Missed One

   July 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

   Awesome, but what about “Meat Gazer guy”, the guy that checks other dudes out in the gym?

   Reply
   • 

     G&B

     July 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

     What? Is that wrong?

     Reply
3. 

   Just Plain Jason

   July 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

   Some of the shitters in old barracks where they are so close together your knees are touching when you take a dump, but you are left without a choice due to sheer volume of guys having to drop a deuce. Nothing like 3 dudes reading the same newspaper while giving birth two some 2lts.

   Reply
4. 

   Cory

   July 24, 2012 at 1:07 pm

   There’s a guy I call “Nut Lube” who afflicts my gym with his horrible, public ritual. The usual crowd finishes with their workout and crowds around the sinks around 0700 performing hygiene. Our gym is generous enough to provide several staples of personal grooming to include hand lotion. While the rest of us are doing what normal people do in order to get ready for the day, Nut Lube shows up and puts on his show. First off, Nut Lube looks just like Kenny Rodgers except he loves wearing the old, retired guy version of Ranger Panties and several layers of sweatshirts. He budges in between the fellas at the sink, fills his hand full of hand lotion at the sink dispenser, jams his hand down the front of his pants until he in in full-elbow defilade, fishes around doing God knows what down there, repeats this heinous act several times, and then strolls out to the equipment where he coats the entire gym with his taint afterbirth. The worst part? He attempts to engage you in casual coversation while buried up to his bicep in balls and lube. I hate Nut Lube.

   Reply
   • 

     Mike C

     July 27, 2012 at 9:52 am

     Dude, I just about choked to death on my water reading your comment. We have a very similar guy at our gym. Disgusting.

     The only one worse than him is the guy that you ask to spot you and he either tbags the hell out of you or spots you from the wrong side and gets you in this gay bear hug type thing. I was doing preacher curls one day, decided to do some negatives and was lifting heavy. I get 3-4 negatives done and wanted to do 6 total. I ask TBags McGee to help me lift it into the upright position and instead of lifting from the front, he gets around back of me and leans on me while he lifts it from the same side as I am on. It was the most awkward dbag move he could have ever pulled. Never again. Had a few friends ask me if I had enjoyed my raping as they had seen it from across the gym.

     Reply
5. 

   Steve McCane

   July 24, 2012 at 2:21 pm

   Along the lines of gym nuisances, we have a nozzle where I work out we call “Muffin”, short for Stud Muffin. He has the obligatory sprayed back coif, wears sleeveless tanks with the deep cut down the pit so you can see (smell) his pits. His shorts ALWAYS match his shirt, and he wears the leather belt to prevent back injuries. His arms, shoulders, and chest are of suitable size for a guy who works out with the regularity he does. The problems we endure are the giving birth groans he bellows every time he lifts something more than 60 pounds. I mean, I can hear this guy upstairs, across the gym, with my iPod going full tilt boogie. Dude, we are all pushing our bodies to further limits than we expected we could go. The last thing I want to think about is you grunting out your lunch through your fourth point of contact and into your matching work out suit. And while I’m at it? How about doing something to make your calf muscles slightly larger around than a 10-ounce Coke bottle? You look like two different people thrown together. Putz.

   Reply
6. 

   Signal _6

   July 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

   You forgot a few

   Radio Silent
   Once you pass the entryway where a “hey” is permitted, after which silence is mandatory. Sink talk is sometimes permitted so long at the conversation does not require parties to delay the expedited exit of the facility.

   Hold One
   Phone conversations should never carry on in the latrine. If you cannot break away for a Bio Break, you are too busy to be there in the first place. Don’t answer inbound either. No one wants to hear you grunt and the background flushes.

   Eyeballs In the Boat
   Stare at the tile in front of you like it is the most intriguing thing you have ever laid eyes upon.

   The Wide Stride
   Stand with legs as you would parade rest, not so far that you are encroaching on others restricted airspace. The ONLY exception is the kiddie urinal (see the Latrine Neighbor rule above) in which any effort to reduce hard splashdown is permitted.

   Handy Crapper
   The Handicap stall is a permitted LZ so long as there isn’t a bird inbound.

   Danger Close
   If you have to fart, go to the fart box. Standing beside someone at the urnal and popping smoke is not only disgusting, but you do not give them time to duck and cover with their hands full.

   Reply
7. 

   Jeff H

   July 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

   You left out Floater Boy. The jackass that takes a crap in the middle of the night, then doesn’t flush, so when you go in for your morning dump, there’s a lovely little treat waiting on you.

   Reply
8. 

   Brandy

   July 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

   Great story! “Mirror gazer” reminds me a lot of my brother in the 80′s and 90′s …. good guy that one…

   Reply
9. 

   Sturgee

   July 25, 2012 at 6:07 am

   Half n’ Half – the guy who, right after taking a shower, starts to get dressed and puts his t-shirt on first instead of his underwear. For an added bonus, he then walks across the whole locker room to get to the mirrors so he can comb his hair (now that his t-shirt is on and all), all before putting his freakin’ underwear on. We had a couple of these douche-nozzles while I was working at a YMCA up in Milwaukee….

   Reply
10. 

    Edwin

    July 25, 2012 at 7:35 am

    I concur with all but the stall one. I usually pick my stall based upon TP amount. I choose the one with most TP so I dont have to say “yo, shitbird can I gets sum TP, cuz im out or walk with pants down to another stall.

    Reply
11. 

    Roadkill

    July 25, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Roadkill – Bagram.
    I work out at the Bally’s petri dish in RPV. We have a steroid monkey that grunts like a walrus in mating season; with my tunes up so loud its making my ears bleed will not make it go away. So when he puts the weights down on the floor and not the rack; Grrrrrrr I walk over and say really; and with one arm pickup said weights and put them on the rack, I look at him and say maybe you should try the spin class with the lady’s. Never saw him again. It might have been mean but when I work out I want my own little world, I do not want a Wookie bellowing in the back ground. I did get a few thank U’s. If you drop a weight on your foot then by all means let out a bellow that Zeus would be proud of.
    Roadkill out

    Reply
12. 

    Headhuntersix

    July 26, 2012 at 2:00 am

    I think military gyms are far worse then civilian ones.

    Guys who refuse to rerack plates – I don’t care about dumbells as long as they’re near the rack.

    Guys who decide to shrug, bicep curl or do just about anything while tongue screwing the mirror…all so I can’t get to the dumbell rack.

    Guys who scream. I’ve seen very large guys lift very heavy weight with out so much as a groan. Come on dude, you’re not setting a record.

    Civilian contractors who have discovered anabolic steroids and the gym while defrauding us of our tax dollars. They easily monopolize the gym her on KAF.

    Guys who slam, bump into or walk right next to you while you have any kind of weight hanging over your head…blowing out one shoulder will not stop me from kicking the hell out of u for ruining my military career. Please have some common sense.

    Terps on juice..

    Terps with ILS..

    Romanians with ranger panties and smediums

    And everybody who lifts with the “gauntlets of power”…..men are supposed to have calluses.

    This was a great thread and story.

    Reply
13. 

    Drew

    July 27, 2012 at 8:50 am

    In my gym we have the Silver Bullet Crew. I actually changed my daily routine to hit the gym at a different time. These were two elderly “gentlemen” who liked to bs after their workout/shower but before dressing. The last straw landed as I was seated on the bench tieing my shoes and one guy did the whole Captain Morgan thing literally 6 inches from my face. I got a full view of the head peaking out from those silvery curls and might have just puked in my mouth a little. When I said “Really?!” he says, “you look like a tough guy, don’t tell me a naked man scares ya”. I said ” no Pops, but I gotta draw the line somewhere, and prefer that line is far enough away that your crabs can’t hop onto my eyebrows.

    Oh, and the guys who leave drip marks in front of the bowl or urinal. Bulls with short horns…take another step…

    Out

    Reply
14. 

    CD

    August 5, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    The guys who feel the need to shadow box or do other martial arts moves in between sets at a non-combat training gym…

    Reply