John Walsh is a Marine whose been wrestling since the embryonic stage, but is afflicted with a severe allergy to striking, so his MMA career has been rockier than Tiger Woods’ new chain of driving academies. As a Marine infantryman, he’s an overachiever. He’s been a machine gunner, a stinger gunner, in Recon, FAST, and Security units, which seems like Hoo-Rah overkill and a perfect future serial killer profile. Naturally we thought we’d sponsor his MMA fights since he has clear mommy issues like the rest of us at RU. Ever see Blue Velvet? Here are some other reasons we like John:
John’s ops are so black, pictures of him won’t develop and digital photography seizes up.
The movie, “The Men Who Stare At Goats,” was based on John. Only he bludgeoned them to death when they didn’t die from his Jedi mind powers.
John has been deployed enough times that he qualifies for Iraqi citizenship.
John once wore a “Killed 100 Terrorists” badge at a local Boy Scout Den. No one challenged him on it.
John once spit in the wind, took the mask off the Lone Ranger, and tugged on Superman’s cape just to see if that song was true.
Walsh was once profiled on America’s Most Wanted, prompting the show’s host (ironically named John Walsh) to say, “Holy shit! Make sure I’m not related to that guy!”
John read that Lyoto Machida practices urine therapy for strength and immediately started drinking ram’s piss to one-up him.
His nickname was once “The Snowball” until he fought in a Ring of Fire event. You can guess what happened.
John has never seen Animal House. During basic training, he tried to coin the phrase, “Thank you sir. May I have another?” and thought everyone was laughing WITH him.
John grew up near a suppository factory and still has a phobia of submarines.
John drinks because liberals still exist.
John is the only jarhead whose lid actually comes off like a Rockem Sockem Robot.
John once stuck a finger in his belly button and his ass fell off.
John penned the book “Life’s Little Blueberry Cookbook.” When his fellow Marines discovered it, he wrote another called, “The ‘How to Make a Book Fit Inside a Colon Cookbook.”
John once successfully used the flying armbar submission to win a fight after seeing it on TV. Anderson Silva did the same with a flying elbow move.
Now that we’ve busted his balls, we’re proud to sponsor him. Hoorah, Sarge!
