Jedi Nick by RU Nick

Sometimes things happen and you can’t believe they are really going down. You wonder if you’re on the set of some game show where at the end of you overreacting, the panels come down and everyone laughs at you, then Ryan Seacrest or some other troglodyte pops out and goes, “Hey, you’re on the new MTV show F*ck with Nick until he loses his Shit!”

This was one of those times.

No shit, there I was: the summer of 1999. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace had just come out a few months prior and I had just graduated from Ranger School and was now enjoying my much needed post-suckfest leave before I headed off to my first unit as a 2LT. I hadn’t really been home for any period of time in the last five years having spent four of them locked in the seclusion and wool-lined misery of West Point and the last year graduating from the 237 schools that infantry officers have to go through before they can get their first platoon. I was actually pretty excited to see some of my buddies from high school and decompress.

One of these friends, we’ll call him Qui-jon, or QJ for short, called me up the first day I was back and asked if I wanted to go to a sweet party. Of course, just like every other time anyone has ever asked me this question, I said yes.

Visions of kegs, girls, tomfoolery and hijinks swirled in my freshly minted Ranger head. It was going to be a great time. The party was out in the country, which generally meant it could be louder and more boisterous and no one would give a shit, so all the better.

QJ picked me up and we drove for a small eternity through trees and darkness until we finally arrived at what seemed like a party teeming with life. There was a mid-sized house alongside a barn. Cars filled the field and I could see people everywhere. QJ had outdone himself! I hopped out of the car fired up to have a good time, ignoring the pain in my back from carrying a ruck for 2.5 months and started marching towards my Ranger Objective.

As I got closer to the heart of the party at the barn, however, I felt a disturbance in my personal force. There were a whole lot of dudes here…actually almost all dudes…and many of them were dressed up funny. As I peered closer, I noticed that every one of them, to a man, had a…I can’t believe I am going to say this…light saber.

A. Mother. Fucking. Light. Saber.

I hadn’t been this floored since I found out Darth Vader was Luke’s father. A Star Wars party brought me to, Qui-Jon had. And this wasn’t just a “party”. These guys were deadly serious. Each light saber was different, representing the individual “Jedi’s” personal preferences. Some guys were Sith Lords. Others were righteous Jedi. The light sabers were made of PVC pipe wrapped with a foam exterior and then wrapped again in a special glimmering tape to replicate the blue, green, orange, and red flavors of molten laser from the movie. If the situation wasn’t so catastrophically sad, I would have been very impressed with the construction, but as it stood, I just wanted to get the fuck out of here…NOW. That desire got even stronger when I realized this wasn’t just a party – these dudes were competing in a light saber tournament! I stared in astonishment as loser after pathetic loser lined up to face each other, spinning their little plastic sticks around as if they were seriously fighting for the freedom of the universe. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Me: QJ, let’s get out of here. Let’s go hit a bar or something.

QJ: But Nick, you love Star Wars. You’ll love it man. Give it a shot!

Me: Dude, I love the original Star Wars movies from my childhood. I don’t need to be dressed like a droid to become sexually aroused. There’s a big fucking difference. Let’s get the fuck out of here.

QJ: Come on man, you need to compete. I know you just finished that Ranger shit, so I’m sure you’ve had tons of training.

Me: Oh yeah, dude. We learn this in the Dagobah Phase of Ranger School. Seriously man, I’m gonna start walking. I’m not doing this shit.

QJ(hurt): Dude, come on man. You can use one of my light sabers. I brought three.

Oh my God, I realized. QJ, my longtime friend, was one of them. I had to save him from this and fast.

Me: QJ, I am not going to compete. We need to get out of here right now dude. If you’ve ever trusted me on anything in your life, trust me on this.

Douchey McDoucherston: Sounds like you’re scared to fight!

I look over to see a guy wearing brown pajamas or something. He has a brown cloak on and a hood up. I wish I was making this up. Even through his loose-fitting garments, you could see his complete lack of physique.

Me (ignoring him): QJ, let’s get out of here man. Please.

Douchey McDoucherston: Yeah, you should leave. We wouldn’t want you to get hurt.

Me: What did you just say?

Douchey McDoucherston: We wouldn’t want you to get hurt. Jedi fights are not for the weak of heart.

I know better than this. I really do. This is Psychology 101. I should be the bigger man.

Me: Give me the fucking light saber.

QJ: Yeah! Let’s go Nick! (drops to a whisper) Be careful man, he’s good.

I am given a light saber. I am furious at the world. I am pissed at QJ for bringing me here. I am pissed at these asshats for living in this fantasy world. I’m pissed at myself for giving in to his taunts. Most of all, though, I’m pissed that I haven’t eaten in like an hour.

They explain the rules. They are entirely too complex. I am staring my opponent down. He will not make eye contact. Rage is building inside me. I’ve seen about five matches already and these guys dance around as if they are skilled athletes. I have no interest in that.

The referee says go and I come at this kid like a fucking spider monkey hopped up on PCP. He didn’t know what hit him…wait, actually he did – it was my freakin’ light saber drilling him across the chest, face and back in rapid succession as the ref pulled me off of him. There’s point one in the best out of three, endeavor. He resets us and the kid makes some comment about my needing to control my anger or I’ll end up a Sith Lord. I literally want him dead. The ref told us to go again and I hit him with everything I could across the neck and face and snapped the light saber in half, leaving him with a giant red mark for the rest of the night.

The geekdom looked at me like I was an alien creature. I thought I was done at that point, having proven my point and been the first guy ever to snap a light saber in half on someone else, but I was wrong. Apparently, I had to be taught a lesson, and that lesson was that I could kick all of their asses in gay ass light saber fighting.

All the rage built up in 2.5 months of Ranger School (and let’s not even talk about pre-Ranger) was unleashed on these poor unsuspecting fools. For the better part of an hour, I took on all challengers. I broke one dude’s nose, two of another dude’s fingers, and two more light sabers in the process.

Finally, I was up against some dude that was supposed to be the “best” light saber fighter. He had a double-sided Darth Maul light saber. I bludgeoned him badly for the first point. In the second round, I repeated my beat down, pummeling him so hard that he fell to the ground. The ref, however, claimed that he had brushed my arm with his light saber before I crushed him with mine, and he awarded him the next point. The crowd was happy to hear this news. I might still be taught my lesson.

As the third and final round began, I hurled my light saber at him and hit him in the throat, dropping him to his knees gasping for air.

Ref: I’m not sure that’s fair!

Me: Didn’t Darth Vader throw his light saber and cut the staircase Luke was on and knock him to the ground?

Ref: Well, yes.

Me: Wouldn’t a magma hot laser hitting you in the throat kill you?

Ref: Yes.

Me: Well, then fuck off, and may the force be with you.

Fuck with the wrong Infantryman, they did.

23 Comments

1. 

   settles

   January 6, 2010 at 7:42 pm

   zOMG! That is the funniest thing I have ever fucking heard. I’m literally crying from laughing!

   Reply
2. 

   Jill

   January 6, 2010 at 9:19 pm

   OMG!! Every single thing Nick writes makes me laugh so hard I cry!

   Reply
3. 

   Holly Mac

   January 7, 2010 at 3:59 am

   Only you, Nick. If only to be a fly on that wall. I am dying to know who QJ is!!!!

   Reply
4. 

   delawarefive

   January 7, 2010 at 9:37 am

   I remember the Dagobah phase…
   except I couldn’t get my 240 out of the mud, not my xwing…

   Reply
5. 

   Eric

   January 7, 2010 at 10:59 am

   AWSOME, Funny as hell dude; yes they did fuck with not just the wrong Infantryman but an Infantryman period!

   Reply
6. 

   Falshrmjgr

   January 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

   ….coffee & copenhagen all over over the keyboard. Why am I picturing McLovin?

   OFS! You are a GO at this station.

   Next station is tiger fighting. Move out.

   Reply
7. 

   Alex

   January 7, 2010 at 12:00 pm

   FUCKING HILARIOUS. That might be the best story I’ve read on RU since you guys started out in ’06. “…and the kid makes some comment about my needing to control my anger or I’ll end up a Sith Lord” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nick, how the fuck do you find yourself in these crazy situations?

   Reply
8. 

   Elias D

   January 7, 2010 at 3:05 pm

   Holy damn…wow…. Wow… Absolutely hilarious. Although I think I almost feel a tinge of guilt for you picking on them. No, that was my neck popping… nevermind..

   Reply
9. 

   Infantryman

   January 8, 2010 at 1:59 am

   “Most of all, though, I’m pissed that I haven’t eaten in like an hour.”

   Truer words have never been spoken.

   Reply
10. 

    Mike Edwards aka "Moosemike"

    January 8, 2010 at 9:58 am

    That is so awesome! It reminds me of a party very similar, I had gone to while being stationed in Germany! Out Fck’in standing!

    Reply
11. 

    AO

    January 8, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Thankfully I have learned to put the coffee down before reading your posts! Coffee shooting out one’s nose is not a fun way to start the day. Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply
12. 

    Matt

    January 8, 2010 at 11:34 am

    I seriously almost piss my pants everytime I read one of these stories…Friggin hilarious!

    Reply
13. 

    Satinpatriot

    January 11, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Someday, I’ll become your groupie and do nothing but follow you around waiting for something to watch.

    Reply
14. 

    GIJ03y

    January 25, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    That is some seriously funny shit. When I read this to my wife she laughed too. There was a thing called ‘boffo’ when I was a kid where assbags dressed up with PVC and foam swords doing the same shit. I kicked their asses too. Repeatedly. I expect no less from the Dark Lord of the Infantry. CM. Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply
15. 

    Grayson

    January 27, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Nick:

    Face it. The Force will not be with you (not that it matters).
    But you’ll probably make one hell of a Mandalorian…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, get online and look up the name “Karen Traviss”, then read some of her novels.
    Incidentally, stories like the above are the reason I NEVER drink anything near the computer. Well done, Ranger.

    P.S. Eureka! Just thought of a quote that should be on a T-shirt:

    “I can make women smile and Sith Lords run like screaming fuck”

    P.P.S. Eureka #2!

    “I am the reason Jedi wear brown pants and boots”

    Reply
16. 

    warriorlifecoach

    February 24, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Just getting the day started with a read on this post…yes, even a 50-year old Ranger can pass shredded wheat and milk through his nose. Thanks for making breakfast extra special today, Nick!

    Reply
17. 

    SGT.JOEY

    February 24, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Wow Nick.I wish I could fight like that.I am always at the wrong place at the wrong time.Maybe I could Rangerup if Lea Thompson was in dire peril and I was with her.I would show her the size and power of my left forearm and hand as I destroyed the geekfest opponents with my left-handed light-saber swordplay.While she stood there in awe and wonder at what i had done,I would then humbly divulge the secret of my strength and fighting ability:Countless hours practicing with the left while holding a 8×10 glossy of her in my right hand!Fortune favors the audacious.

    Reply
18. 

    JeffersonCheryl

    September 6, 2010 at 9:44 am

    I had got a desire to start my organization, however I didn’t have got enough amount of money to do it. Thank God my mate told to utilize the loan. Therefore I used the student loan and made real my desire.

    Reply
19. 

    Mike Coll

    September 9, 2010 at 7:59 am

    @JeffersonChery
    Spam is not welcome here. Go away! You violate the sanctity of a Nick story with your spam. You will be violated in return.

    Reply
20. 

    Misti McCollin

    April 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Unfreakingbelievable!!! I think I possibly peed my pants I was laughing so hard! Thank God I know better than to eat and or drink anything while reading anything you guys write. If only we could follow you guys around wearing a GoPro. We could make a fortune. I see how you wound up in this situation though…I myself have a tough time turning down a challenge. Gets me in a bit of trouble on occasion.

    Reply
21. 

    7forty7

    May 29, 2012 at 7:38 am

    “Oh yeah, dude. We learn this in the Dagobah Phase of Ranger School”

    rotflmao

    Reply
22. 

    David Folkerts

    February 25, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Looks like you earned your Jedi tab

    Reply
23. 

    nickro

    April 22, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Once a Star Wars fan always a Star Wars fan. Even after Ranger school. Great story.

    Reply