Invest Now! Three Technologies that We Think Are the Future

Updated: September 16, 2014


By Kelly Crigger

Microdrones are everywhere and it’s only a matter of time before drones become like smart phones. Everyone will have one because the need to know what’s going on at all hours of the day and night no matter what the distance is an all-consuming obsession with people. Just look at the internet and cell phones. What is the real purpose of these things? To acquire information as fast as possible (especially porn).

A drone does that. It can hover over anything and transmit visual and audio data back to the operator in real time. Want to stalk your ex? Buy a drone. Want to rob a house? Buy a drone. Want to make an anonymous cash drop to a hit man? Buy a drone. Everyone from jealous lovers to kidnappers to corporate espionage and law enforcement will use drones and what will all this drone activity lead to? The erosion of security. You won’t know when you’re being watched and when you’re not but you will always assume someone has a mosquito-sized drone buzzing around your house, so you will take measures to guard against it, like blacked out windows and transmission jammers so the signal can’t make it back to the operator.

So now is the time to invest in a drone-busting company that will someday invent a radar-based device that detects and shoots down any drone that breaches your property. Of course version 1 will also shoot down every bird in the neighborhood, but versions 2 and 3 will probably get it right with EMP blasts or inescapable deployable nets that capture the drone and make it yours. It will be expensive, but that’s the price of security and security is really what we need for a prosperous society. Deep down we all need the security of knowing that we can drive across a bridge without it collapsing or walk down to the local Stop ‘N Rob convenience store to buy a Mountain Dew without being shot at or spied on, so we will pay any price to ensure that security.

What else should you invest in? Cutting edge rocket propulsion and long-range space travel. Lately I’ve been reading scientific journals (and let’s be fair…watching How the Universe Works) and I’m convinced we will find a new earth to call home in the next 20 years. Advancements in telescope technology and the methods for identifying new planets with atmospheres has already resulted in many candidates so it’s just a matter of time until Earth 2 is identified. But what then? We’ll have our new Terra Firma but no way to get there and everyone will make a predictable demand to get long-range propulsion technologies good enough to get us there. Cryonics and Stasis Habitats will be all the rage (and recipients of your tax dollars).

Technology usually makes our lives better but it also has a strange way of balancing out the gene pool. Think about this…someday our craving to know everything in real time will combine with the creative geniuses of capitalism and we’ll all be wearing computers on our face. Microtechnologies will make it possible to put an entire laptop into the same space as a pair of sunglasses and Oakley will be king of the hill (or Google if they can get their crap together). We’ll be able to text, email, watch the news, and of course surf porn while walking and driving. That will lead to more pedestrian and automobile accidents caused by ADD horn dogs jerking off in the driver’s seat. Darwinism will claim more idiots and the universe will be balanced. Thank you nerds.



One Comment

  1. JoeC

    September 16, 2014 at 8:00 am

    And we still won’t have a cure for the common cold.

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