I Drink for a Reason by Kelly Crigger

Updated: July 20, 2012


Most of us drink, but do we all know why? The most often noted reasons for imbibing in alcohol are to feel good, forget painful moments, or take the edge off a long day of “”What the fuck are you doing ass hat?” But we’re all individuals. We all have our reasons for hitting the bottle, taking a nip, and living life by the drop. Time to confront those demons once and for all.

Now, real quick, I would be lying if I said I came up with this snappy title myself. Comedian David Cross recently penned a book called, “I Drink for a Reason,” so he has to get the credit for coming up with the title or those blood sucking fuckstick lawyers will come after us. Tim Kennedy and Team Rhino are formidable, but they can’t hold a candle to high-powered, rainmaking corporate barristers, so there. Take your fucking royalties and get out, Cross. Now let’s get to it.

I drink because there are things in this life that I will never have no matter how many times I steal them.

I drink because “if you can dream it, you can achieve it” is bullshit unless you have a twenty-inch schlong, an artistic eye for camera angles, and a group of very gullible hotties.

I drink to overcome the guilt of not deploying as many times as all my buddies.

I drink because I lost one of them and had to find out through The Army Times.

I drink because I live in a country where Green Bay, Wisconsin has two Superbowl rings and Los Angeles doesn’t even have a team.

I drink because I still don’t understand what the fuck extra virgin olive oil is and why it turns me on.

I drink because I have a daughter who is not a horse-faced troll with protruding teeth that could eat apples through a picket fence. Life would be easier if she was.

I drink because those who have made the ultimate sacrifice would want me to.

I drink because there are, and always will be, ignorant Americans who simply cannot fathom why those of us in uniform do what we do.

I drink because there are still poor, unfortunate souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

I drink because I am confused and I am confused when I drink. Such is the sweet circle of cereal malt beverage.

I drink because I am a fool who thinks logic dwells in the chambers of the human heart.

I drink because I have a horrible memory. Wait…what was I talking about?

I drink not to silence the voices in my head, but to understand them better. They like to put the lotion on its back.

I drink because society demands that I not festoon my bedchambers with the entrails of my enemies.

I drink because Nancy Pelosi breathes.

I drink to make 3’s look like 7’s (whiskey makes them 8’s-shameless plug!).

I drink when Tommy Batboy’s Ritalin wears off, Garrett rejects my t-shirt designs, RU Nick drags me into an all night beer pong bender, and Tim Kennedy is late for a meeting because he’s primping again. Oh Snap!!




  1. N. Sanchez

    December 21, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Can I add, I drink because when I went to BNCOC and wore my “My Ops are Blacker than your Ops,” shirt people thought it was a race thing. (PS: I’m not black)

  2. Katie Mac

    December 24, 2009 at 11:23 pm


  3. Katie Mac

    December 24, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Okay, that didn’t work, but trust me, it’s a really funny graph.

  4. Sgt. L

    January 3, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I drink because I like the taste of beer…and Jack and Coke. I’m sure theres a multitude of reasons on the sub-atomic level….but I drink because I like alcohol.

    I also think there’s a constitutional amendment that allows me to drink, it’s on that same piece of paper that says I can carry guns too

  5. Tarrou

    January 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    I drink because I am too old for these college chicks.

    I drink because without it, I am a mean, mean man.

    I drink because I lost a kid too young to drink legally, and a devout mormon who never touched the stuff. I’m drinking for three.

    I drink because it’s what men do.

    I drink because my neighbor burned his garbage the other day and the smell reminded me a bit too vividly of the aftermath of a VBIED.

    I drink because I live in Michigan now, and the Lions are KILLING ME.

    I drink because, let’s face it, there’s not much else to do at the VFW.

    I drink because if our chaplain gets enough booze and company in him, he’ll start telling Korean hooker stories. Priceless.

  6. SGT Steve

    January 6, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I drink because I’m still making up for lost time in Iraq and Afghanistan, where I never touch the sauce. I may or may not have lost track of the time I’m making up for.

    I drink because sometimes, as I’m lacing up my boots, I say to myself something I’ve been saying to myself since I was a PVT: “Hope I don’t get hit today.”

    I drink because while I forced-reclassed into a cushy office job, some other guys got forced-reclassed into Cav Scouts.

    I drink because I wouldn’t trade a soldier’s life for anything else in the world.

    I drink because I fear no evil.

  7. Kelly C

    January 6, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    Sweet reasons!

  8. SGTMac

    January 8, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I drink because there are thousands that will never again be able to. The next ones for you. (As soon as I get back from Afghanistan)

    I drink because My heart goes out to all my Infantry brothers putting it all on the line and I re-classed to a signal MOS to keep the wife happy. (Hey it was either that or her) I found a way to stay in the army and keep her. Wait that could be another reason that I drink.

    I drink because there are people that will simply never understand no matter how obvious or simple you make it for them.

    I drink because I am a sheepdog and someone needs to protect the sheep. Long Live the sheepdog.

  9. Tarrou

    January 10, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Preach it Mac! Here’s to the Infantry, a hard MOS to retire from.

  10. SGT P

    February 5, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I drink for the memories of all the greatest heros that have gone before me to pave the way for me.

    I drink because some of the best people i have ever known have paid the ultimate price and i have to listen to the media second guess everything and try to degrade their memory.

    I drink, cause, well, its pretty refreshing.

    I drink for my friends that are overseas and cant, yet I wish more then anything I could be there and feel like a shamer for being here.

    I drink cause like SGT Steve says, I drink because I wouldn’t trade a soldier’s life for anything else in the world.

    I drink because we know better then anyone that freedom isnt free.

  11. Kriste

    February 6, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    I drink that I might raise my glass in humble gratitude to each and every one of you.

  12. JT

    February 22, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I drink because I have finally admitted that my back is too injuried/hurts to much to continue being an 11B.

    I drink because the doc doing my MEB looks at me like I am trying to play the system when the evidence is right in front of his face.

    I drink because even though my time in Afghanistan is done, my brothers in arms are still fighting and dying.

    I drink in celebration of everything that makes our country great.

    I drink because it keeps me from drop kicking people that give their opinions on the war but have never been there.

  13. SGT.JOEY

    February 24, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    I drink because my father a ww11 silver star recipient at age 90 will not be here for too much longer.He should have been President. I drink because the drug dealer who sold my brother drugs that caused his death years later was set up by an (unknown) hero that caused his sentencing to life imprisonment,Fuck him! I drink because John Wayne said in the movie:The Alamo”I do not trust a man that does not drink”

  14. Zach Hardman

    June 4, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I drink because I spent 15 months in a combat zone, went on well over 200 missions, and the only casualty we had happened a week before we redeployed home-and it was self-inflicted.

    I drink because my first NCO CPL JAson Hudson made it through 2 combat deployments in two different countries to end up a self inflicted casualty in Ft. Polk.

    I drink because the first time I heard that soldiers I had served with died in Afghanistan, was when I was out of the Army and they were all in my wife’s company.

  15. SgtSal

    July 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I drink to forget the line of coffins heading down Disney Ave, Bagram AFB.

    I drink to drown the FING Demons!

    I drink because my spouse says I am an alcoholic, and she is always right!

    I drink because my eldest still serves and I am not, and it kills me!

    some said this already but it is TRUE to the HEART!

    I Drink because I was not deployed as many times as my buddies!

    I drink and remember the men I served with and thank God I had that time with them.

  16. CPT N

    August 3, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I drink to remember the times my brothers in uniform and I were laughing to keep from crying.

    I drink because I feel guilty for being at home with my two baby girls while some 19 year old PFC who has barely lived is taking the fight the enemy.

    I drink because the military has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

    I drink because the sound of fireworks send chills down my spine, good and bad.

    I drink because that asshole two rows over at the stadium wouldn’t take his hat off for our national anthem while the double amputee with the OIF shirt tried to stand.

    I drink for the friends that can’t anymore.

  17. Bryan kovar

    March 22, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    I. Drink to forget.

  18. CPT Maffei

    March 22, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    I drink for Mark Dailey and Dave Schultz. Two of the best men I have ever known.
    I drink because the medics could only find so much of them to return home because after the blasts that killed them there wasn’t much left of anything to bury.
    I drink for all of the Soldiers past who made the ultimate sacrifice.
    I drink for all of the Soldiers in the present that they tax that insurgent ass just a little bit more.
    I drink for all the Soldiers of the future that they carry on the legacy of their brothers in arms.
    I drink because I am the baddest mother F&%#er in the valley.
    I drink beacuse as CPT N said some jerk off three seats over won’t take his hat off during the national anthem but the double amputee tries to stand and salute.

  19. Stacy0311

    March 22, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I drink for those who can’t drink anymore.
    I drink because after 24 years it’s still hard to think about watching a chopper with my friends on board slam into the Korean countryside.
    I drink to celebrate life and the friends who are still with me.
    I drink because the Class 6 had some awesome specials this week

  20. SPC L

    March 22, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    I don’t drink because I want all the control back.

    I don’t drink because the sauce depresses me more and I’m already on the edge, about to fall over.

    I don’t drink so when I go out with my buddies I can drive them home safely.

    I don’t drink because I feel I deserve to be punished by my demons.

  21. Josh

    March 22, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    I agree with you. I too drink because there are souls out there that know neither victory or defeat. I also drink because some of them are in charge of us who are in the arena.

  22. Withee

    September 3, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Fuckin awesome!

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