I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant- Helmand Province Edition

Updated: October 14, 2012

By RU Contributor Madeline Monday

So no shit there I was, reading about the Taliban attacks on Camp Bastion in the last few weeks, when I almost missed this little gem of a story.

Apparently a female British soldier gave birth TLC style, claiming she didn’t know she was pregnant. According to the Daily Mail “She was in the 34th week of her pregnancy, meaning she conceived before flying to Afghanistan for her six-month tour of duty.”

Now at first I was a little confused by this. One of the little nuisances of being a soldier with lady bits, is that you get the impression your command has a pool going on when you are going to get knocked up, because you are constantly taking pregnancy tests. At MEPS, reception, basic, AIT, Airborne School, jumps, 20k’s, field exercises, and anytime you get within 100 meters of a TMC someone is demanding proof you have a bunless oven. Last deployment, I took three during the weeks of SRC with a final one the day we went wheels up. Was it over? Nope! One more in Kuwait for good measure.

Well I wonder if the Brits are this obsessive? No! They don’t even give a pregnancy test prior to deployment! Are you kidding me? Ladies, screw your command; any woman who has had any sex for 38 weeks prior to her deployment day should treat herself to an EPT before taking off to one of the lovely shit holes NATO likes to have it’s get-togethers in.

As female soldier, the only thing that pisses me off more than when another female gets knocked up to get out of deployment, is when they get pregnant on deployment. Trust me I have seen my share. My first unit was just covered in Y chromosomes, but my last one had a nice respectful number, 7, of young ladies in it. I was picturing how nice it would be to have a nice tent that didn’t smell like ballsacks and conversations that weren’t all about masturbation. Till deployment orders showed up and they started dropping like flies, we left with 4 and lost another 2 to mommyhood along the way. So I spent yet another year listening to jack off jokes while I wondered what the fuck that smell was.

I don’t get it.. I have seen babies and quite frankly there is no way getting out of a deployment is worth one of those things! You are better off just shooting yourself in the foot. At least that doesn’t stick with you 18 years and you can still drink.

As for these “I didn’t know I was preggos” and “it was an accident” chicks, well…. fuck you retard! As of last week I have had a uterus for 31 years and it has NEVER once just freaked out and malfunctioned. In fact my understanding is that uteri require a very specific and teamwork heavy order of operations to make a baby and we have come up with many ways to hinder the process.

I am not stupid enough or naïve enough to suggest to anyone “just don’t have sex”. My husband was on my last deployment with me, and trust me you can have sex down range with out coming home with a new dependent for the folks over at DEERS. What it does require is you have some fucking accountability and responsibility! If you are going to have sex, and you don’t want to get pregnant, because you know you…..you are in a fucking WAR ZONE, be on birth control and use a condom! Its not that hard!

By getting pregnant down range, a soldier is not only endangering the life of her baby (way to go Mom), but they are fucking their buddies over. Everyone else’s workload, shifts, patrols and risk all increase because she goes home. Not to mention the wasted money and training resources, that went into the soldier getting ready for the deployment.

On a selfish little note: then the other females who do their jobs, go on their deployments, keep positive control of their vaginas, and don’t get knocked up have to sit around and listen to the guys bitch about how it is bullshit and women are ruining the Army!

Look, the world needs to be peopled and I am all about soldiers becoming parents and sharing the experiences they have with next generation. However, we are at war and soldiers have a responsibility to put duty first and that includes coming before having a baby. One of things I learned downrange, is that American women are so lucky to have the control and freedom over reproduction that we do, it is something that should be cherished and honored. If you want choose to become mother it damn well shouldn’t be to get out of a deployment or because you were just being stupid one night. You owe that to the military and more importantly you owe that to your children.





  1. Mad Medic

    October 15, 2012 at 7:23 am

    I swear there’s nothing like deployment orders to get some females in the baby making mentality. I get wanting to have a kid. I get the “oops” factor. But i mean when so many have children RIGHT BEFORE deployment. . . you tend not to believe it was an accident.

    • armygirl35f

      October 15, 2012 at 11:11 am

      I had 2 before even having to worry about deployments, and got fixed, as both my kids were birth control babies. But my Reserve unit I joined after AD we had a female come up pregnant before their deployment in 2004, and again in 2007, just before the deployment orders were issued. Coincidence I think not. I loved my deployment for the most part, never got to deploy with my actual Reserve unit, got put in other units because of shit like this.

  2. Josh

    October 15, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I’m not a soldier or anything, but your right in every regard there. Also Bastion was attacked? Where the fuck have I been lately.

  3. Vanessa

    October 15, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Before the Brit girl pushed out her puppy in Helmand, an American soldier did the same. But she happened to be the Sgt Maj’s driver, so that one didn’t get out as much…wonder why?

  4. Karen

    October 15, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Madeline, are we related??? You effectively verbalized the crap that drove me CRAZY the entire time I was on active duty. Not only was there the “twice the work, half the credit” nonsense, but ‘back in the day’ if you were a woman in uniform, it was assumed you were either a slut or a lesbian (back before DADT). The saddest part is that it only takes one story of one woman using her lady parts to get out of anything, and we are all branded as worthless and weak…

  5. Crazy Soldier

    October 15, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Right before my last deployment, several S-1 females got preggers. Once they were off the manifest, they got abortions.

  6. Ed

    October 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Ms. Monday is on the ball. It leads me to the question why did these individuals volunteer for military service during war time? if they don’t want to go down range and shoot people or support those that do. Then why the fuck did they volunteer? When I was in it was a matter of self pride to put ones life on hold for a greater good. Those days are gone it seems for the select few. Then when everyone comes back there are some who think they are owed the world. Personally I feel embarrassed for them the amount of accolades are disproportionate to the level of sacrifice. Lets keep in our hearts the commitment of those men and women who stood the line in Korea and Vietnam. It seems that 36 thousand service members is considered a mere foot note in history as well as the 58 thousand that gave up their lives in Vietnam. I guess what I am saying is back in the day if you missed a movement you where punished with the full weight of UCMJ for destruction of government property and hampering a unit movement during war time.
    The UCMJ provided that if you caused a ship to be delayed or put a ship in jeopardy it was considered a capital crime that if found guilty ended in a one way trip.

  7. jeff

    October 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Unfortunatly, not all females get pregnant before a deployment on purpose. My wife was a week away when after her third preg. test in two months popped up postive. The unit deployed and she was left behind looking like a “shitbag” LT who became pregnant so as to not deploy. However, three months later the Hospital informed us she had lost the baby. Eventually we found out the Civilan Techs read all of her blood tests wrong and that her HCG levels were close to but not at the proper level if pregnancy.Try explaining that to the BC!
    In conclusion; My wife is now the Batt XO without a Patch and it kills her. She volunteered to deploy after being cleared and was told they needed her in the Rear. Some females do not do it on purpose…and its really shitty to assume all females do so. My wife is Airborne Qualified, has never posted a Sub-280 on any PT tests, and dosnet think she “knows it all” over an NCO. Does that sound like a Female that would try to dodge AFG. Still, the stigma remains.

  8. Hst71

    October 15, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Positive vagina control is an ideal who’s time has come!

  9. Laura

    October 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    So let me give you the alternative preggo scenario…

    I happen to be ancient, pre-OIF/OEF era and I found out I was pregnant about halfway thru my Co Command, and on the day I got promoted to CPT. I happened to lived down-range—In Panama. My husband and I were both commanders at the time, using birth control, so believe me, I was quite shocked….it was really the most inopportune time to be pregnant. Here I was, I got my command while I was still an LT, and even though it was a small HHD it counted as a command since I had an arms room and a supply room. 20 days after I found out, just so happened to be Operation Just Cause. I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t…and just what the hell were they going to do with me anyway? Half of our battalion was on Christmas leave (it was the 20th of December) I was the HHD commander, in charge of perimeter defense. Our S4–a man, and a fucking coward–decided he was going to go to the hospital for an abscessed ingrown toenail all of the sudden. So I ended up trying to fill in for the BN XO, S1 and S4 while doing my job too. I wasn’t fat, so I could still wear my TA-50. Luckily we only had a few mortar rounds land in our compound, took some friendly fire from a nearby antenna site, and unfortunately lost one civilian outside the gate. And I only puked once. I stayed in Panama and in my job until I was 7 months pregnant. After that I was in charge of the warehouse housing Noriega’s documents.

    • Cole

      October 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      That story is pure awesome. I had a few infantry soldiers I would have gladly traded for soldiers of any sort with your motivation.

    • Antonio Aguilar

      October 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm

      Hats off to you ma’am!

  10. zach

    October 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    btw i freakin love you. and women do ruin the army. not to be an asshole but if it were just men. there wouldnt be this entire world of drama. and btw i know what that smell is lmmfao

    • Pissed Off

      October 16, 2012 at 3:24 am

      First off, I completely agree with every damn thing in this article. To echo many of the comments, it verbalized my sentiments precisely as a Soldier and a female. But Zach, please don’t be a bigoted asshole. Females are ruining the Army? What kind of biased, one-sided, narrow minded comment is that to couple with an assertion that you love the author of the article, who is- by the way- A FEMALE SOLDIER? I’m a Soldier first and a female a distant second, and as a lifer who’s had numerous deployments, and no- not to a cushy FOB in Kuwait- to actual war zones and COPs… I have to wonder where exactly your opinion comes from. I assume you’re active duty or were at some point, and the only justification I can think of for such a one-sided and incendiary remark is that your interaction with female Soldiers was either incredibly limited and unfortunately negative, or you were with a shit unit with shit enforcement and discipline and that the female constituent of shitbags disproportionately caught your attention and that’s what you remember. What’s ruining the Army is males AND females alike who joined for the wrong reasons, who sham and don’t give a shit, who are part of this new upcoming generation of lazy, weak individuals who don’t know or care to know what sacrifice and teamwork are about, and who fail to understand the purpose of hard work and building character. I’m not saying all new or young Soldiers fall into this category either- but in wartime when recruiting standards are lowered and the composition of units suffer as a consequence, it’s going to happen. Shitbags who don’t belong in the Army come in both sexes and all ages, and while I’ll admit that there’s likely a heavier representation among the younger Soldiers and maybe even the female soldiers, you’re doing a great disservice to those of us who work our asses off day in and day out to try and counter these crappy examples who do a shit job of representing the female gender. I’m not saying “give us a break,” because I don’t think there should be a “break” for anyone regardless of their demographic/age/gender… All I’m saying is that making that assertion spits in the face of the females who do live up to and exceed the standard because it’s who they are and what they believe in. Don’t allow the fuck ups to undo all of our hard-won progress in the court of public opinion just because they happen to suck.

  11. Cathy

    October 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    How could she not know?? I’m assuming that her uniforms are fitted to a certain degree, so at some point, those had to start getting tight. I had one of my sons while in the Army, and I looked like I was wearing a damn GP Medium by the end…and he was born at 35 weeks…only one week after she had her baby!

  12. Kei Sakura

    October 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    I’ll give this one the benefit of doubt. There are certain stressors for females that can cause symptoms that include nausea, stomach flutters, body aches. I’ve had some stresses which mirrored pregnancy symptoms and trust me, I was freaked the hell out. Getting pregnant would be the absolute worst of all nightmares for me. I had a co-worker who hardly gained any weight and didn’t even need maternity clothes with her pregnancy. She only increased her uniforms by one size and she was a naturally tiny person.

    Also, if she was a good soldier, she didn’t think about those symptoms and just ‘Rangered Up’ to get the mission done.

    Now, this British chick aside, I have seen my fair share of females getting knocked up to get out of deployments (and some dudes breaking bones to get out of em), but as a female, what I can’t understand is: These fools prefer an 18 year+(!) commitment over a six to 18 month commitment? WTH! I’m packing my bags and hightailing it to the plane.

    Granted, I do have a son. He is not a result of trying to get out of a deployment. I volunteered to deploy as much as they would let me. When asked if I’m having anymore, the response is and always will be, “I’ve got nine years left on the one I have. Why would I want to start over?”

  13. PeaceSouljer

    October 16, 2012 at 8:12 am

    1). P.C.V. – practice it daily!

    2). Really – WTF is that smell?

    As soon as I can get away from my IT-Nazi controlled work computer I am so going to LIKE you on FB!

    Marines- first on the beaches
    Rangers- lead the way
    We- clean up their f*g mess

  14. Finally

    October 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

    It is so refreshing to finally see someone so eloquently put what most female soldiers are thinking. My Soldiers used to say that I was the only female soldier that hated female soldiers. Saying that we work twice as hard for half the credit isn’t a stigma, it’s the truth and it’s because of the worthless ones that are so abundant. As for zach’s reply, I can only assume he never met a good example of what a female soldier could be. My soldiers still miss me and ask me to come back. I was a platoon sergeant when I decided to ETS because I finally got sick of the mistreatment I received from the males that were supposed to be my peers. There are so many unfair assumptions that you spend your career trying to overcome only to PCS and start over. It was preventing me from doing my job as well as I should and although I miss the Army (I’ve only been out 10 months now) I don’t miss people treating me like a shitbag just because I don’t have a penis. It’s not girls that ruin the Army, it’s the Army that ruins girls.

  15. Maggie

    October 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I am a female, was a medic and I can’t keep my mouth shut on this one. I want to point out that soldiers (I am equal opportunity here) who malinger by any means are as wrong as too little boys in a mop closet. I have seen plenty of deployment order babies, a few baby killing whores, and self inflicted injuries all of which are the ultimate blue falcon. That being said, I have seen a couple of legit “I didn’t know I was pregnant” cases two of which mom was on birth control. One on an oral contraception and the other on the Depo shot (medical records proved she was getting her shot right on schedule). One of these heifers was wearing size 5 jeans until her 8th month (she thought she just had real bad gas). Pregnancy tests are not %100 accurate either. I was at least 6 weeks along and received a false negative blood HCG test only to find out three weeks later (after we bought an new car that wasn’t baby seat friendly) that I did in fact have a bun in the oven. The piss on a stick tests are even less reliable. The point is, DON’T THROW STONES UNLESS YOU KNOW ALL THE FACTS and douche bag malingerers come in both sexes!!

  16. Jeff

    October 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    I kept volunteering for 5 years to move from Signal in the Infantry because of this drama crap. But you know what? It was the non-bumpy soldiers who were the biggest problem not the bumpy soldiers when I was a platoon sgt.
    I have friends still in (I retired after 28) and one of my favorite is an airborne female CPT who volunteering to go to Iraq when the female Sig officer came up preggers. She is still in, every inch a soldier when in uniform and every inch a woman when she dances competitively in Tango.
    So leave off the women = fail crap. There are too many women citizen soldiers who proudly wear and bring great honor to the uniform.

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