One element you must take into consideration when taking on Belgium’s greatest export is his disarming good looks. Like David Hasselhoff, it’s easy to take one look at Van Damme’s big, puffy eyes and rugged charm and abandon all plans to kick his ass. Be strong! This is also the guy who offended the 1980’s with more pleats in his pants than an air filter. Don’t believe me? Go watch Kickboxer again and try not to hang yourself. 

Being an eighties heartthrob, JC has no concept of a ground game. But getting him off his feet is difficult because he’s slipperier than DB Cooper (you thought I was going to say Georges St. Pierre). The guy walks around in a perennial alcohol-induced sweat and sex oil funk because of his affliction-he’s the poster boy for Viagra, a major horn dog, an addict of the nubile young flesh if you will. 

JCVD has been through more wives and STDs than Elizabeth Taylor and Dennis Hof combined. The studly waffle-eater is a renowned humper who couldn’t spell E.D. let alone know what it means (true story-he once got an erection on live TV. Look it up). It takes more than a mere frontal assault to get this guy on his back, so you have to use his raging libido to your advantage. 

Step 1 – Keep a playboy centerfold inside your jacket. When Van Damme approaches, whip it out and say this:

“Yo, Van Damme. Name the month.” 

“Ah…Miss September 1984. I had my finger in a dyke and was just learning the secrets of being a chocolatier…’”

While he’s reminiscing about his favorite nanny, Helga the Butt Licker, throw a low roundhouse kick and sweep him off his feet. Be wary of his cat like reflexes and abnormally freaky split. He can drop down under a kick faster than a French maid can avoid a bar of soap.

Step 2 – Once on the ground quickly douse him with a bag of baking soda to negate his greasy exterior. Don’t go for the mount. Although it’s effective in finishing 99% of all humans, Van Damme can instantly flip you off of him with his powerful third leg. Get to side control, soften him up with knees, and then finish him with a bone-snapping, far side kimura. 

If this strategy fails, revert to the old backup plan-Filipino twins whose only English words are “Dirty Sanchez.”