These days William Shatner spends his time impersonating a white Shaft tossing around ninja throwing stars as the Priceline Negotiator. No matter how much Hollywood tries to toughen him up, he’s still a polyunsaturated poster boy for KFC who poses no more threat in a bar fight than his bandoleer of Slim Fast shakes. But back in the day when green chicks threw their space undies at him, Captain James T. Kirk was a formidable foe, especially when he wielded an unwieldy Romulan scythe. He whooped giant Lizardmen with a homemade mortar tube, and schooled nefarious goatee-wearing Klingons. He traveled through time to save human history, solved the riddle of Tribbles, and outwitted a supposed God. Getting your Donnybrook on with a guy who bested a Vulcan at three-dimensional chess, rewired the Kubiyashi Maru simulator, and insisted on beaming down to every planet personally means you’re dealing with the Michael Jordan of control freaks.
And that’s his weakness.
It takes a lot of rum, buggery, and the lash to keep 2000 space seamen in order, especially when you’re on a FIVE-YEAR MISSION into unknown parts of the galaxy (apparently earth in 2250 is run by vindictive and horny Jodies). Kirk doesn’t leave anything to chance, so you won’t find him rolling chicken bones to determine the outcome of a situation. He’s a walking billboard for a methodical strategist wracked with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Good for you because OCDs fear change and freak out like Amy Winehouse at a Guiness factory tour when anything is out of order. To defeat the legendary Captain who defiled the wrath of Khan, you have to get him out of his comfort zone, and I don’t mean his private harem of Orion slave girls on the holo-deck.
Step 1 – Start off with some simple psyops from outside striking distance. Kirk thrives when he has the time to listen to his enemy’s monologue and digest it. But when the conversation jumps to ludicrous speed, his internal wiring shorts out. Guzzle a Red Bull like you’re Popeye downing spinach and let your tongue go like a Mexican boxing announcer. Not being able to comprehend his foe will plant the seed of doubt in his mind and make his OCD compass spin like he’s caught in a drunken dizzy bat race. He’ll feel the situation slipping out of control, which sets conditions for your success.
Step 2 – Kirk is too manly to use a phaser, so don’t worry about disarming him. Throw a quick punching combination to distract him while closing the distance and secure a muay thai clinch with both of your hands behind his head. But instead of throwing knees into his soft underbelly, take both of your hands and toss his perfectly coiffed hair like it was a prison salad. Step back and prepare for the implosion. Like a cat in a microwave, Kirk’s internal pressure will build to critical mass until he makes a Jackson Pollock painting of his nearby surroundings. Seek shelter before his flying man-ass shrapnel splatters your Oakleys.
When the fight is over and the arena is festooned with his innards, take his harem of Orion girls as your concubine and show them how we roll earth style.
Copyright 2009 Kelly Crigger
Personally ,I would hire Dr. Spock when he goes into the Vulcan Pon Farr situation where he must mate or die in 8 days.He would already be super strong from Vulcan male hormones and raging for a fight and hornier than Vanne-Damme,if that is possible.I would tell Spock that Kirk said all Vulcans have undersized penises and that Kirk said he was gay.This should get Spock’s pointed ears wiggling with rage.When he severely trounces Kirk ,tell him his reward is a foursome with Kirk’s Orion slave girls.Be sure to take your cam-recorder because that orgy would make anything the Romans did look sunday school-like.Try to locate Van-Damme so he can give Spock some pointers on pleasing Orion Slave Girls.I am sure he has stolen them from Kirk on occasion.
Or you could try the simple, no-brainer approach, which is to shoot him in the face. As discussed previously, Kirk avoids using phasers, and no doubt has developed massive overconfidence when faced with weapons due to the fact that the enemy will invariably shoot generic red-shirted enlisted guys first.