Jack Bauer is Ranger Up’s freakin’ Hero of the Week. You know why? There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
Last night Jack saved the World again, and yet rumors abound that Fox is cancelling 24. Good call Fox. Maybe you can run more episodes of American Fucking Idol or Bones? I’ve never seen Bones, but after 24 the previews told me the two main characters are finally going to date…that’ll probably help ratings…after all it worked for Moonlighting…
Doth mine eyes deceive me or is he...aiming?!
Better yet, please run some more generic Lawyer, Cop, or Medical dramas. That would be fan-fucking-tastically original! Come on Fox! What else does this American Icon have to do to keep his show?!
Jack Bauer has been a staple of asskickery and military manliness since 9/11. In eight days and one fairly terrible two-hour movie, Jack has killed over 250 terrorists, tortured another 300, pulled a handful of Presidents asses out of the fire, saved the World a dozen times, lost his wife, lost his girlfriend, lost his next girlfriend, drove his most recent girlfriend virtually insane, been captured and tortured at least a baker’s dozen times, and had to rescue his dumbass daughter twice or thrice. Does he complain? No. He just Rangers the Fuck Up (Bauer is tabbed, as one would expect) over and over again.
This season, Jack was hung by his wrists, beaten, electrocuted, and stabbed. You know what happened next? He kicked the terrorist cocksucker in the face and triangle choked him from the air. That’s not only a 9 on the Badass Richter scale, it’s also an incredibly embarrassing way to die, and yet oddly plausible – what I like to call the Bauer Trifecta.
And this isn’t the first time Bauer has escaped from capture. Once when his torturer leaned in to whisper some tough guy sweet nothings into Bauer’s ear, he latched onto the assclown’s throat like a Vampire Pit Bull and spit his larynx across the room.
Jack will eat the fuck out of you if he has to...
You know what else Jack does? He realizes that sheet rock doesn’t stop bullets. He shoots dumb terrorists through walls. You know what that is? That’s outstanding is what that is.
Hey, I’m a woman terrorist. Jack can’t kill me! He’ll have to have his token female co-hero fight me or it won’t be fair and he’ll look bad!
Wrong, terrorist tartlet!
Jack Bauer is not sexist. He is an equal opportunity terrorist killer. You’ll never read this though, because you’re already dead. But he is currently wearing your face so he can pose as you and infiltrate another terrorist lair.
Wait for it…now they’re dead too…
Bottom line, Fox: For a decade Jack Bauer has kicked ass, taken names, and given us a hero willing to sacrifice anything to save the nation and defend the constitution. He was an island of creative terrorist destroying awesomeness in a sea of sappy emotional pap, canned jokes, and general unrestrained lameness and douchebaggery.
If you take him from us, Fox, and your only answer is Human Target, well…we’re probably gonna hate you.
And for those of you out there questioning Jack Bauer’s awesomeness and perhaps wondering why we’d allow a “fictional” character to be Hero of the Week, I leave you with this real life conversation with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia at a conference in Ottawa, Canada:
During a panel discussion about terrorism, torture and the law, a Canadian judge remarked, “Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra ‘What would Jack Bauer do?’ ”
Justice Scalia responded with a defense of Agent Bauer, arguing that law enforcement officials deserve latitude in times of great crisis. “Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles . . . . He saved hundreds of thousands of lives,” Judge Scalia reportedly said. “Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?” He then posed a series of questions to his fellow judges: “Say that criminal law is against him? ‘You have the right to a jury trial?’ Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer?”
“I don’t think so.”
No, sir, we would not. We’d have covered him while he moved.
Rhino Den, ATTENTION!
PRESENT ARMS!
ORDER ARMS!
Thank you, Mr. Bauer, for your distinguished service.
Jack Bauer’s Military Honors:
Combat Infantryman’s Badge
Expert Infantryman’s Badge
Special Forces Tab
Ranger Tab
Master Parachutist’s Badge
Air Assault Badge
Silver Star
Legion of Merit
Purple Heart
Army Commendation Medal
Army Achievement Medal
Armed Services Ribbon
National Defense Ribbon
Army Service Ribbon
Overseas Ribbon
Kuwaiti Liberation Medal
This scomes a year after cancelling the Sarah Connors Chronicles. WTF? Was she ever Hero of the Week? Babe of the Week?
Don,
We’re talking about Jessica Alba and you’re talking about the cute girl you knew in high school. I like me some Sarah Connors, but Hero of the Week she is not!
We have gotten lax and soft into thinking the unthinkable(9/11)can’t happen again.He stands for what America can and will do to protect the Constitution and our way of life. That is why the show may be cancelled.We do not need men of his ilk,anymore,it cannot happen again.He is as AMERICAN as John Wayne and apple pie.To paraprase Winston Churchill:”You can count on the Americans to the right thing when they have exhausted all other means,As for my woman Hero of the century,I nominate Heather Harmon, from an XXX rated amateur site! She has powers and abilities far beyond the average woman. I will be in the dog house if I do not save face and make the following exception:here goes!ahem!except my 32 year old stripper girlfriend. So there!She is an example of what can be accomplished with perseverance and fortitude!
If Kiefer could stay out of jail the show might not be getting canceled. I hate to see Jack go, will miss him, albeit if every season was starting to be the same theme.
Best line in the entire series: (when talking to the double agent woman who killed his wife)
Jack: “You don’t have any more useful information do you?”
Woman: “I do!”
Jack: “No you don’t” *BLAM*
Close second: “DAMN IT!”
Enter Mitch Rapp.
“Consent to Kill” the movie will be coming soon. Based on the character Mitch Rapp from the Vince Flynn novels. Mitch Rapp is Jason Borne, Jack Ryan, and Jack Bauer all rolled up in one.
Hit up your local book store and start reading today. If Jack Bauer goes away we have Mitch Rapp to look forward to. He is our next no holds barred, get er done, I dont care what anyone thinks Terrorist Killing machine.
One thing is for sure our country needs more characters like Jack Bauer. Tough and to the point.