Fuzzy, Shiny, or Babies

By RU Contributor Mad Medic

After much thought, and more than a few drinks, I have come up with a theory about chick flicks. It might even hold true for the female attraction in general. After the tons of horrid chick flicks I have been dragged to, or gone willingly to in the hopes that I might get some nookie, I have noticed a trend. It doesn’t matter who the lead is or what the “plot” is about, it really all comes down to a couple of things. Women are looking for the guys that remind them of three basic things. Fuzzy, Shiny, or Babies. Here’s a breakdown of the three main attractions to chick flicks.

Fuzzy: Yeah I know about Team Jacob, to my everlasting shame. I’m not turning in my man card because I got some AWESOME angry sex out of disagreeing with the girl I was with at the time. Short version for those who weren’t trying to get laid this dude was a werewolf. There’s the appeal right there. The shirtlessness and all was just there to keep their attention. Fans of the books put him into the Fuzzy category before they even saw the actor without his shirt on, and went gaga over him. But we don’t have to stop there.

Why is Gerard Butler a sex symbol? Because he keeps a three-four day growth on his face. Its. . . Fuzzy. Why do women get purse dogs, and a shit ton of cats? Fuzzy. It’s a call not only to the wild side, but also to the comfort that they get from being surrounded by fuzzy things. Look again at the next chick flick, and see if you can spot the Fuzzy element. If it’s a guy that lives in the woods, and never seems to know that he’s in dire need of a shave. . . He’s the Fuzzy guy.

Fuzzy tends to remind them of the wild, such as it is. The untamed passion of their ancestors. When a girl goes “wild” with reckless abandon, at a club or at a massive party, she’s not going to go for the Babies, or the Shiny, she’ll go for the Fuzzy, because, at least in her mind he’s wild too. Still haven’t figured this one out for lesbians, because no one likes fuzz on a woman, but as an archetype the Fuzz is always a little on the wild side. If you’re in the military, you have to shave, so you might be screwed here. Try ACUs, and don’t be afraid to embellish the crazier stories from the field, or deployment (not the “getting shot at” ones).

Shiny: I really wish that this one didn’t sound like all women have ADD, but really, sometimes if you want to “win” an argument, or at least get out of the dog house, off the couch or, off the sex embargo, you really need to give her something shiny. Diamonds, gold, flashing lights for their iPhone. I’m not sure how far you could take this, but it’s a proven fact, shiny shit makes women go gaga.

That’s why Twilight made the vampires glitter in their movie. Seriously? Glittering vampires? That’s fucking insane. That makes no sense at all. I kind of like the “I stay out of the sunlight because if I don’t I burst into flames”. It’s utterly retarded that you stay out of the sunlight because it makes you look like a 12 year olds art project. A small side note, if these vampires can move faster than you can see, and to kill them you literally have to rip them apart and burn the pieces, it just doesn’t make any God damned sense to hide. Who could hurt them?

Be that as it may, about halfway through the first God awful movie, and after I had managed to gnaw through the bicep so I could make a quick escape, Edward actually steps into the light and he sparkles like he just ran through a glitter fight, all the girls in the audience go “OOOOOO” and more or less completely fail to notice what a whelp the actor is. Most guys would be wondering how to sell that shit, but the girls in the audience get all wide eyed and start drooling, It might help explain why Kristen Stewart looked like a crackhead for 2 hours (but to be honest I think that’s her default setting).

I don’t think I need to break this down too much, but just for all you idiots out there shiny shit is equated with wealth, and with wealth comes security of a sort. They’re never going to have to worry where their next meal is going to come from, and they can gloat to all their other lady friends who don’t have quite as much shiny shit, well then they move up the social ladder a few rungs. If you’re still in, well you’re not affording much bling, but the good news is you’re not completely screwed, if the girl likes shiny, remember your Class A’s. That’s sure to impress.

Babies: Why do you think Justin Bieber, the Biebs or whatever, is famous? Because he still has that Baby face. Hell even Usher, and Justin Timberlake (another Justin? I’m sensing a pattern here) had baby faces. Of course they have since upgraded to “Fuzzy” once they became too old to pull off the baby face effectively. The simple fact remains that guys that look like babies, or youthful, and guys that act immature, remind women consciously or subconsciously of. . .babies.

Now why this would drive them into a frenzy is a little beyond me. When it comes to babies, I have learned (the hard way) to never, ever, ever call a woman out when she’s acting a little crazy about babies. Trust me it doesn’t end well. Whatever the reason is, doesn’t really matter. If you look at pop songs or if you look at chick flicks, you’ll notice some guy that looks like he’s 12, or worse, acts like it. The female protagonist is of course completely sane and rational (at least where the Baby protagonist is concerned) and through a series of adventures or misadventures, convinces him to grow up, or he reminds her to act like a kid and they then proceed to *presumably* make many babies.

Why do you thinks the dogs that women get are so tiny? Ask a guy. Those dogs aren’t really good for anything, they really can’t help you hunt, they suck at guard duty, and they’re really good at the stealth shit, which you step in, when you’re still trying to wake up on your way to get coffee. Try another experiment. Find a friend that just had a baby, and offer to babysit. Then take said baby to a place with many women. Watch as they all say “OOOOO” and proceed to drop about 30 IQ points talking to the pudgy drooling munchkin. This one. . . Well if you weren’t born like a baby face you have to act immature, which doesn’t really work once you become an NCO because you want to choke the ever-loving shit out of such immature sad sacks. Pretty much, if you’re old enough to shave, you’re screwed on this one.

Forget being “understanding”. That shit gets you friend zoned in no time flat. That’s harder to get out of than a deployment to Asscrackistan. When you meet a girl, yes you’ll need to be confident, yes you’ll need to be actually be able to dance, but you probably have to remember what approach you’re going to use. Just remember Babies get old. Quick. Ask anyone that’s had one. Fuzzy, is easier, but sometimes that fuzzy element on a guy can also be associated with laziness, so there is a downside to being a “Wild Man“. As for Shiny, if you look good in your Class A’s, you’re in like Flint. But how often do you honestly wear the damn things? A lot of privates try to make up for this by getting a car they can’t possibly pay for. Remember Shiny costs money, but if you’re sure this is something that she wants there are ways to pull it off without going broke.

Knowing which one of these three categories you project will help you get much needed (and deserved) Lovin. Not putting forth any one of these three will probably mean you just cock-blocked yourself. Think ahead. Plan you’re approach, and remember what type of personality you have. It’s hard to go against type, but if you somehow, amazingly, manage to project all three. . . She love you long time.

7 Comments

1. 

   Mark

   October 24, 2012 at 10:49 am

   Deep. (I think it’s “in like Flynn,” i.e. Errol Flynn, who was “in” everything that moved.) Thank you for the research at chick flicks, you deserve another ARCOM. I’m sure you’ll agree with this caveat to your superb analysis: just when you’ve got them all figured out…you haven’t.

   Reply
   • 

     Gunship Load

     October 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

     ARCOM hell, for your sacrifice I’m thining MSM!

     Reply
2. 

   Jesse

   October 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

   Absolute genius.

   Reply
3. 

   Matt

   October 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm

   Haha, Awesome! Definitely a good analysis, from a soldiers perspective and that of a male, it seems spot on.

   Reply
4. 

   Max

   October 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

   This is by far the best scholarly article ever published in the Rhino Den. Good work, keep it up!

   Reply
5. 

   Kei Sakura

   October 25, 2012 at 10:20 pm

   I apologize on behalf of my gender for subjecting guys such as yourself to the torture devices known as “chick flicks”, “romcoms”, and other such films full of vomit inducing, unrealistic expectation creating piles of crap. We are not all like that. For instance, here is the list of the movies I have “dragged” my male counterpart to over the last couple of years.

   In no particular order:

   Sinister
   Expendables 2
   Avengers
   From Paris With Love
   The A Team
   Hurt Locker
   Expendables 1
   Boondock Saints 2
   Gran Turino

   –there were others, but we can’t remember. We are very judgmental about the movies I go to. That and most of the time it isn’t worth the cost of going to the movies most of the time.

   I just don’t do chick flicks. I’ve had people try to get me to watch the Notebook six times now. I’ve fallen asleep at the 20 minute mark every time. I also fell asleep during Titanic when it was “the movie to see” however long ago.

   Reply
   • 

     Emily

     January 14, 2013 at 2:06 am

     Amen!! Great list. Loved those movies. And what is the blasted point of watching people talk on the big screen? The whole point to cinema is explosions and fight scenes.

     Reply