This year, to parallel the team’s success at the Northeast Championship earlier this year, West Point MMA finished with five medal winners. The team OIC, MAJ James Smith once again led the team by fighting through injury towards a second place finish in his Masters Beginner No-Gi Cruiserweight division. A phenomenal new resource to the team, SFC Mike Branham dominated his Masters Intermediate No-Gi Flyweight division, finishing the tournament in first place.

Team Captain, CDT Travis Anderson set club history by fighting towards a second place finish in the Expert No-Gi Middleweight division. Travis is the first person in club history to medal in any expert division. With less than a minute to go and losing by two points, CDT Anderson miraculously reversed his opponents while simultaneously and successfully submitting him with a Combatives-style bent-arm bar.

CDT James Quigg represented the team well, taking medals in two divisions. CDT Quigg started the day by winning first place in the Intermediate No-Gi featherweight division and finished the day strong by taking third place in the Gi Blue Belt Flyweight division. Finally, Plebe Alex Imbriale brought home a third place medal in the Beginner No-Gi Light Heavyweight division. The entire team competed at a higher level of competition than it has in any past tournament. This tournament offered an additional opportunity this year in that for the first time in years, the United States Naval Academy also sent representatives to compete. The inclusion of the Naval Academy represents another venue through which Army can “Beat Navy” in the future!

[View with PicLens]

 

The guys at Ranger Up know stuff, and from time to time we’ll try to pass on our cauldron bucket thumbnail of knowledge to you in the form of a Top 11 list. We’ll all take turns churning these babies out. For example, if you wanted to learn how to be curmudgeonly, then Crigger would take it. If you wanted to learn how to be genetically superior to everyone else and not realize that no matter how hard we try we’ll never touch your crossfit times, then Tim would take it. If you want to learn how to be loud, obnoxious, and did I mention loud, then Tommy Batboy will be all over it. If you want to learn how to work with a bunch of assclowns, then Garrett will write it. Well, you get the idea.

The Topic: How to get into College

Why you care: It’s never a bad idea to get some more school in (unless you’re one of those freaks that can’t do anything in real life and just collects degrees as if that somehow makes you a contributing member of society and/or smart) and with the economy sputtering a little, it’s the perfect time to set yourself up for success. Many of you also have GI Bill benefits. Use them!
Why you should listen to me: I went to two schools conventional wisdom says I should not have gotten into. When I was at Duke, I helped out with admissions conducting tons of interviews of prospective students, so I’ve seen how bad people are at it. Also, being around the selection process gave me a window into know how admissions looks at students and how they rate them. Also, I have helped twelve people apply to top schools. Eleven listened to me. Eleven got in. In short I am undefeated. Finally, I know how to translate military success into academia-speak.

The Top 11 Ways to Get into College

11. Plan ahead big time. Doing an application is not something you should knock out in a day or even a week. You need to complete recommendations, essays, and standardized tests, as well as prepare for interviews. The best thing you can do is target the very first application deadline for the schools you want to attend and plan backwards about three months from that date.

10. Apply to multiple schools. This is really important, no matter where you want to go, but especially if you’re hunting for the high brow, secret society, rich kid schools. Just because you have great grades, think you’re the shit, and really, really, REALLY want to go to Harvard, doesn’t mean they give a rat’s ass. There are thousands of kids just like you, so not only do you have to put together an awesome application, but you have to catch an admissions officer that a) likes what you have to say and b) is in a good mood. Unless you cured cancer or something, you’re not all that cool. Hedge your bets.

9. Test scores and grades aren’t everything. A lot of people were just okay or even bad in high school, then served in the military, found a whole lot of discipline, and are ready for college, but are worried that they can’t get into the schools they want because of grades or SAT scores. A lot of people that have a college degree already have the same concern when thinking about grad school after military service. Here’s the deal: Grades and Test Scores aren’t that important and they aren’t that unimportant.

First the bad news. If you scored only the minimum SAT score allowed by writing your name on the paper and you got everything else wrong, your aspirations for Yale are probably a long shot. Conversely, if you maxed your GMAT with an 800 and had a 4.0 GPA that doesn’t mean you’re money, either. When I applied to business school, there were forums everywhere where losers told everyone how awesome their scores were and how they’d only accept Harvard or Wharton because they were so good. Then they’d be crying because they didn’t get in. That’s because they were giant douchebags and the world generally unfolds as it should.

Now the good news. Every school has a listed average (unimportant) and middle 80% (very important). A school’s average SAT score might be 1400, but their middle 80% is 1500-1050. You want to be as close to the average as you can, but being in the middle 80% is really key. Your military experience is not easy to replicate that and admissions people know that. You just can’t make it too hard for them to say yes by being the 1%. Regardless, no matter how bad your score is, apply. Make them decide, don’t quit on yourself. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised.

8. Understand the premise of peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter candidates are the people that have the right grades, the right experience, the right jobs (if it is graduate school), etc. Think of them as the sure thing. They are the people the school knows will come in and get good grades and go get a corporate job and climb the ladder and finish out their careers as the VP of whatever and call it a day. Then there’s jelly. Jelly candidates are the guys who have done a lot of crazy shit in their lives and don’t necessarily fit into the mold of the school, but admissions is considering them out of sheer, morbid curiosity. They are the people that will get a great corporate job, climb the ladder, hate it, quit, and start a t-shirt company and hence, give their mom a near heart attack.

You want to be both. The good news is that if you served in the military you already have the jelly (but you can still add interesting hobbies and travel to spruce it up). Hell, if you’re a recent vet, you’re probably hanging on 2-3 deployments already. You don’t need much more jelly. What you need to do is show your job and responsibilities in the service actually took brain power comparable to what your civilian counterparts were doing. If you’re applying for undergrad, too easy, they were getting drunk. If you’re applying for graduate degree, you need to highlight the analytic, problem-solving, and leadership aspects of your jobs. Mortarman? You were using physics to calculate the precise location of high explosive impact. One screw up and people died. Quartermaster? You were engaged in a multi-national logisitics campaign as a key member of the world’s largest supply chain. You had to deal with international regulations, HAZMAT, language barriers, and the fact that the supplies you were delivering directly contributed to the success of the mission. Infantryman? You had to deal with language issues, public works problems, and police issues all while understanding and balancing the needs of the various sects in the area you were patrolling, and by the way, at any point you could be in a firefight. Try topping that stress with a PowerPoint presentation in front of the boss…

7. Understand stereotypes. Everyone carries stereotypes. Some are good and some are bad. You want to reinforce the good and minimize the bad. You are never going to change them (e.g. convince them that the military is not what they think) but you can prove to them that you are an exception to the rule. In the case of the military, the positive stereotypes tend to be: disciplined, calm under pressure, leader, and team player. The bad stereotypes tend to be: automaton droid, not creative, overly aggressive, needs a hierarchy to succeed.

To combat this, tell stories in your essays and interviews that showcase how far from the stereotype you are in the negative department, and reinforce the good stuff with stories that highlight those attributes.

6. Develop themes for your application. Applications work best when you pick themes to build around. Only you know what you want to highlight, but as a blueprint for a military guy or gal, I’d think about things like: leadership, teamwork, initiative, and intelligent risk-taking. Whether you’re writing essays or sitting in an interview, think about these themes as you frame your answers.

5. Write good freakin’ essays. If it wasn’t for the essay, I’d be screwed. Essays are the one chance you have to plan exactly what you want them to hear and make sure you tell them exactly that. You personally may not be a great writer, but every one of you knows at least one that will edit for you. Work on this until they kick ass. Edit the shit out of them. Let other people edit the shit out of them.

I am a big believer in telling first-person stories for at least one or two of your essays. We have the backgrounds that allow those stories to be really cool, and after reading a hundred essays that day about dealing with a challenging coworker at IBM or a mean boss at Morgan Stanley, what admissions officer isn’t going to perk up a little when the essay starts, “The explosion threw me a hundred feet, but I was okay, and more importantly, my rifle still worked”? Okay, a little dramatic, but you get the point.

4. Just because you know Michael Jordan, it doesn’t mean he should write your recommendation. Admissions officers have this weird code of honor. They don’t like to think they are being beaten into accepting someone because they know someone important, and actually “rage against the machine” when this happens. It’s fun to watch them get riled up and bitch about it.
So, if you didn’t work directly for Mr. Jordan, then he shouldn’t be writing your recommendation. Pick people that know you well, that you are CERTAIN really like you, and who you believe will put in the work to make sure they are good. Recommendations are the least important part of your packet, because for fuck’s sake, who out there can’t find someone to right something positive about them, but they can hurt you if you hand them to the wrong person. Ideally, the person should be a competent writer (look at your NCOER or OER as a starting point) but real passion for your success is most important.

3. Kick ass in the interview. When you interview (or write essays for that matter), use the STAR format. STAR stands for situation, task, action, result. What was the situation you were placed in? What task did you get assigned or did you take on for yourself? What actions did you take towards the completion of that task? What were the results of your actions?
Sounds easy, right? I’ve sat through hundreds of interviews at Duke and in corporate America before I started doing Ranger Up fulltime (we just make people pass obstacle courses and hazing rituals for employment). People suck at it. Bad. Real Bad. The funny thing about that is that everyone considers themselves a brilliant interviewer. You’ve all heard it. “If I could only get to the interview, I’ll get the job, because I’m great at interviewing.” You’re not. You suck at it, just like everyone else.
The interview is not about answering the questions or about being friendly. It’s about showing a history of success, showing that you will succeed here at school, showing that you will then graduate and succeed some more, and that you aren’t an asshole that will be miserable to work with. Seriously. Admissions people would outwardly argue with this fact, but it’s the God’s honest truth. That’s all there is to it.

The best way to do that is to use the STAR format and to stick to your themes. Don’t rush to answer the question. You’ll have multiple answers for any question, so think about which answer will best help you.
Example:
Question: Tell me about a time you were placed in a stressful situation and how you reacted.

Bad Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad and we got ambushed. I fought through it and killed everyone, then hung their severed ears from my neck. Later, the guys and I played soccer with the heads of one of the bastards!

Good Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad when an angry mob approached us. We were a little antsy as the day before we had been ambushed, so I was acutely aware that my guys might overreact. I grabbed my terp and walked directly towards the leader of the mob, making sure I pulled my hands off my weapon to seem less aggressive, even as I gave my team leader the order to do what was necessary the second it turned ugly. By doing this, I kept the mob away from my squad so they would have the standoff to engage if necessary while the interpreter and I determined what the problem was. Come to find out, they were simply angry because a tank had knocked in the side of a house. I was able to put a work order in to get it fixed and ended up having a very strong relationship with the village elders as a result, who began trusting us and passing information on the insurgents in the area. Had I not kept my cool, there was the possibility that this situation could have turned very ugly, and we certainly would not have garnered the positive relationship that we did with the village.

2. Make sure the school is right for you. People put a lot of effort into trying to get into the “right schools” but often don’t ask if the school is actually right for them. Research the school. Ask questions in the interview. Odds are that if you hate everyone you’ve met, you will not enjoy your experience. You’re the one that is going to pay these clowns a veritable orgasm of money to go to their institution and get their degree. The application process is not a one-way street! Make sure they are going to give you what you want.

Additionally, researching the schools will help you write better, more school-specific essays, as well as frame intelligent questions that show the admissions folks how much you want to be at THEIR school, not just any school. Schools are businesses just like any other, even though they like to pretend that they really do it all to serve the greater good (Harvard pretty much owns Boston and Brown pretty much owns Providence, but they get tax exemption for serving the greater good. WTF, over?). The only thing they hate more than accepting the wrong candidate is accepting the right candidate and losing them to another school (one of the school ranking criteria is yield which equals number attending divided by the number admitted). In short, be ready to highlight why school X is THE school for you.

1. Show them a history of success. When you think about this one, schools will annoy you. Sorry. Schools want to bring people in who don’t need them at all. They want to take hardworking, smart, successful people, stamp their brand on them, and then ship them out to go continue to be successful, and then have those successful people send them money later. Do you think Harvard teaches different shit than Umass Amherst? Do you think Stanford teaches different shit than UCLA? Same shit, folks, but they have marketed so well over time that all the super successful freaks want to go there so they feel good about themselves. Companies, in turn, want to hire the freaks that came from them so they feel good about themselves. It propagates a vicious cycle. So you want to fight that cycle, right? Fuck no! Convince these people that you’re a huge success and that they need you. Then do the same in industry and get the right corporate job.

Then quit that job and make t-shirts.

Good Luck!

This certainly isn’t a bad thing, but I feel like I’m robbing my father’s generation of the gratitude that everyone who serves their country should know at least once. Contrary to the current public support of the military in America, my dad received the exact opposite when he returned from both tours of Vietnam. He received no adulation, no praise, no ‘thanks for your service,” and certainly no free cups of coffee. Yet he never wavered on his decision to join, despite the obvious confusion he felt at being ostracized by the people he swore to protect. Rather than be the exception, today’s wave of patriotism should be the norm and the Vietnam era’s apathy should be the lone moment in time where our veterans were not given the respect they deserve.

I now try to return the favor and go out of my way to pat a vet on the shoulder when I spot one in airports or restaurants. If people really feel the need to do something for the troops, thank an older vet for his service. Or leave a prepaid coffee card at the Starbucks counter for the next Vietnam vet that comes along. It’s long overdue.

I am actively being recruited.

Anti-Terrorism and Force Protection classes all give you the warning signs to look for. We’re taught to be aware of potential pitfalls, or weaknesses, which our enemies can use to recruit or blackmail us. We’re taught to be aware of those dangerous situations that threaten us immediately, and of the subtle designs of the enemy, the gentle persuasive methods they use to hook and reel you in. Right now, they are waiting to see if I take the bait.

A certain faction is currently working me, relentlessly trying to recruit me to the cause. It’s really my fault this has gotten so far, I’ve allowed them into my inner circle, and I allowed the development of their plan when I could have nipped it in the bud. I could have stopped this months ago, but I allowed them to keep meeting and discussing their plans, right under my nose.

They’ve promised me gold, riches, and extensive equipment if I join their cause. They’ve promised me beautiful women, unending adventure, and the opportunity to belong to an elite group. Thus far I have resisted, I have spurned their advances and I have held steady. My biggest fear is that everyone will find out. My wife, my children, my boss. They will find out the truth. That I have become a target of opportunity for one of the most sinister organizations today.

The World of Warcraft.

They are relentless. I am one of the sole holdouts in my department, and I’m not doing myself any favors with my consistent smart ass remarks.

Soldier #1: Hey, we haven’t heard back from Brigade on this tasking. I really don’t understand what they want.

Me: Maybe you should take an elixir of understanding, so you can really grasp their intent…hehe.
Soldier #1: That’s not funny Sir, they don’t have elixers of understanding anymore in WoW (“WoW” is the cool way to say World of Warcraft.)

or…

Soldier #2: I’m sick of getting these taskers from BDE, they have no clue how stretched thin we are!
Me: Maybe you should take your Conan sword and smite their ears off. Haha, I’m so funny.

Soldier #2: Conan’s not in WoW, SIR! (The dialogue cloud is hovering over his head, I know he wanted to add DUMBASS to the end of his sentence.)

The peer pressure wasn’t always bad. It’s peer pressure from my Soldiers that led me to get hooked on The Shield, Sons of Anarchy, Deadwood, and Rome. Those were the golden years of peer pressure. Now, I’m reduced to making fun of my Soldiers for starting every conversation with “Guess what level my mage is now!” And yes, it is a “mage” not a “magic guy,” don’t make that mistake.

I’ll continue to wage this war of attrition; my ability to withstand the peer pressure vs. their relentless geeky pressure. But I will prevail, and maybe somewhere along the line, I’ll even convert one or two back to reality.

Born just 2 weeks shy of Centennial day (July 4^th, 1976 you patriotically challenged people), Lee is from the wrong side of the River for us Kansas Jayhawks. Lee has 5 sisters and a brother who he fights with like the Gallagher Brothers from Oasis. “He’s a douche bag,” Lee admits. 

His wife is from Norway and her name is Ingebjorg. That alone makes us quiver with anticipation that someday she’ll be a member of the Ranger Up girls squad. He somehow convinced her to forsake Norway for Kansas City and married her in Vegas. He therefore falls into the RU Nick category of charm skills. This brings us to the first reason we like him – He took a fight on Nov 20^th. His wife is due to give birth on Nov. 24^th. That means he’s brain dead, so he can’t really be hurt in the cage. That’s our kind of guy.

Lee wrestled in high school and won state in Florida where his old man lives and he would spend summers when not with his mom in KC. Got to respect a guy who can give you a wedgie and get out of town before you pull your jock out of your ass.

Lee joined the Army right out of high school and served in the 2nd Ranger Battalion where he was trained by the Gracie family. Disenchanted with the Clinton Administration’s misuse of the Regiment, Lee got out of the Army to get rich hunting for the legendary treasure of Captain Jack Sparrow as a commercial diver. He attended a dive school in Seattle for 8 months, got certified, and got a job in…Morgan City, Louisiana. We say again-brain dead.

Lee finally tore himself away from the Cajun Louisiana Voodoo and moved back to KC to be a firefighter, boxer, and bull rider (apparently he was a Ritalin kid). About 3 months into that he got bucked off and stomped on, breaking some ribs, collapsing a lung, getting a chest tube, and almost losing his job at the Fire Department. He finally showed mental capacity and hung up his spurs (though Ingebjorg sometimes wears them…oh mama!) and got into fighting. He was briefly a pro boxer with a 5-1 record when the Jiu Jitsu bug bit him along with his partner, the amateur MMA bug (for God’s sake, douse your bed for bugs, dude!).

Then Sept. 11th happened and Lee felt the call to duty (one huge reason we like the guy). He joined the 19th SF Group and made it through the Army’s biggest gut check-Special Forces Assessment and Selection (SFAS-also referred to as the School For Advanced Suffering). 

But suddenly that freaky Geico stack of cash showed up at his door. After accidentally stepping on it, he was selected by a private Army…er, security company…called Triple Canopy to be a mercenary…er, security consultant…and deployed to Mosul, Iraq.

After 3 tours in theater, Lee returned to the US and went back to pro MMA fighting. He racked up an 11-3 record, but ran out of money and ended up back in the private security business…in Nigeria. Another reason we like him-he prefers Iraq to Nigeria. Like Forest Gump, Lee refers to that period by saying, “Dude that sucked. That’s all I have to say about that.”

After another trip to Baghdad and a transfer to a new private Army with better time management skills, Lee finally had the time to get back into MMA in between trips to Douchebagistan.

He currently trains with Tony Fryklund in Kansas City and occasionally with Joachim Hansen when visiting his wife’s ancestral fjords in Norway. 

Lee Gibson has very bad karma. Witness:

1. He won a 4-man lightweight tournament in Vegas but when his demands for M&M’s in his dressing room WITHOUT brown ones went unheeded, he channeled Bruce Lee and Judo chopped the entire executive staff. They’re now out of business.

2. He once won a lightweight belt in a promotion with the gayest name ever – The Titan Fighting Championship. They’re gone now.

3. He fought for Elite XC.

Therefore Strikeforce is doomed because he’s fighting Nov. 20^th at the Strikeforce Challengers event in Kansas City. Ranger Up will behind him all the way…until he puts every MMA promotion out of business of course. Bo

The last thing we wanted to do is hire a Ginger girl. After all, it is well documented that Gingers Kids have no souls and can suck the life force out of babies. It was even harder to consider when the girl who walked into our offices wasn’t even a day walker, but rather a pure Ginger, incapable of being anywhere near sunlight. Nevertheless, because of some nonsense called “qualifications”, we decided to hire Whitney as our warehouse manager.

As much as I hate to admit it, she has overcome her genetic deficiencies to become an absolutely invaluable member of the Ranger Up team, often running the entire operation while we gallivant around the country “working” at UFC events. She easily holds her own, throwing short jokes and ethnic slurs our way while routinely challenging our masculinity. On an almost daily basis, she and I get into a stamp fight, where basically we take address stamps and try to destroy each other. In short, if you were going to make the prototype for a woman that could deal with us on a daily basis, it would be Whitney.

ARGH!

Well, our Whitney, despite being all of 115 befreckled pounds, just helped lead the Raleigh Venom Women’s Division II Rugby Team to a National Championship. We couldn’t be any more proud!

After going the entire year undefeated, the Venom lost the last game of the first day at Nationals and had to fight back to get into the winner’s bracket. Fight they did, putting on a dominant performance on the final day that sent all comers running home crying for mommy. The venom followed them home and beat the crap out of mommy too.
Seriously, these girls are screwed up. Don’t mess with them.

You will get hurt.

Please congratulate Whitney at whitney@rangerup.com!

In September of 2006 when we launched Ranger Up, I stumbled upon a little website called Blackfive.net, and I started reading about this guy named Matt Burden and his band of brothers who painstakingly identified, showcased, and attacked those that would harm our nation’s troops. The best part about these guys was that they weren’t just ranting and blowing smoke so that they could be “blog heroes”, but rather they were intelligently making arguments, defending positions, and placing pressure on institutions and the government to act appropriately. I loved it.

I remember thinking, “Who the hell is this guy ?” I mean, everywhere I look, Matt Burden seemed to be there. He was on Fox news. He had a book out. He was doing interviews. He was a high-level executive. He founded a pro-military production company. Now he chairs the Warrior Legacy Foundation and is running for office.

He’s a mutant right? I mean, normal people just don’t do that much stuff, do they?

Four days ago, I was at the charity auction to kick off the new non-profit, American Women Veteran’s. Led by Genevieve Chase, the organization aims to look out for women who are serving or have served to ensure among many other things: that their needs are taken into account on the Hill, that women veterans with PTSD and other combat injuries are provided equitable care, and that women are provided the tools necessary to succeed in the service.

It’s a phenomenal organization that is long overdue and it took countless hours of work on Chase’s part. She did this, mind you, while serving in the National Guard, holding down a Pentagon job, and tolerating Tommy Batboy and me.

At the AWV event, the master of ceremonies was LCDR Andrew Baldwin, M.D. If you’re a woman, you may know him as the Navy Diver on the Bachelor. I did not know him, but in short order, I could tell he was a good guy, and struck up a conversation. He began telling me about an organization that he had just founded called the Got Your Back Network, devoted to helping the children and spouses of service members who have paid the ultimate price for our country. He did this while serving on active duty in the Navy and balancing a growing television career.

Today, I received an email from Mark Derocchi, one of my classmates from West Point and the Chairman of an organization I am a part of that raises money for the families of the fallen in our class, stating that the IRS has filed our paperwork for tax exempt status. It is a small step, but an important one if we are to achieve our goal of ensuring our fallen classmates’ families are provided for.

None of these people started out planning to found organizations or save the world or anything like that. They simply saw problems with the way things were running and decided it was time to try to fix what they could. Matt saw a hero ignored by the media. Genevieve saw a group neglected by the government. Andrew and Mark saw children and families in need. So they did something about it. They used the same drive and determination that they garnered through conquering the adversity of military life and used to give back.

I highlight these people not to pat them on the back (they get plenty of that, especially that Burden character), but rather to showcase what is possible. It’s Veteran’s Day and it is a day when we should all be thankful for those that have served and continue to serve, but it is also a day to reflect on what we have contributed, and more importantly, what we can contribute to our brothers and sisters in arms. You don’t need to start a non-profit, but you can donate your time. You don’t need to blog daily, but you can volunteer a few hours a week to speak with vets coming back from the war. You don’t need to be on Fox news, but you could submit an article to your local paper. In short, you don’t need to do everything, but I hope you decide you need to do something.

There’s a whole lot of veterans out there that really need you.

For those who don’t know, Marines have long celebrated our founding on November 10th 1775 at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia where a committee of the Continental Congress met to draft a resolution calling for two battalions of Marines able to fight for independence at sea and shore. Furthermore, Samuel Nicholas was appointed the first Commandant and Robert Mullan (owner of Tun Tavern) was commissioned as a Captain and the first recruiter – that’s right the guy selling the beer also sold potential recruits on the benefits of the Corps!

Throughout the years since our founding, Marines have celebrated the birthday of the Corps. In 1925 the first formal Birthday Ball was held in Philadelphia and many of the traditions now celebrated were instituted. However, given the nature of our jobs it not uncommon for Marines to celebrate down range and in harms way without the pageantry and gentile company that garrison life affords.

One such birthday celebration occurred on November 10th 2004, the Second Battle of Fallujah known as Operation Phantom Fury had started just three days prior as Marines stepped across the line of departure into a heavily defended urban hell that was Fallujah. As Marines engaged in some of the most ferocious close quarters combat in the history of the Corps, a surreal but very poignant moment played out. This same moment has repeated on countless battlefields throughout the years in places such as Tripoli, Belleau Wood, Iwo Jima, the Chosin Reservoir, Khe San, Mogadishu, Iraq, and Afghanistan.

In the midst of the din of battle as AK-47’s & RPG’s impacted all around a pinned down platoon of Marine grunts, a battle weary Sgt turned to his platoon and said with a wry grin: “hey devil dogs, it’s November 10th, Happy Birthday”! The Marines responded with a short sharp vigorous Marine Corps growl “ooh rah” and returned to the task at hand– killing haji!

A few hours passed and a lull in the fighting prompted a young private to ask: “Hey Sgt, where’s my birthday cake?” The resourceful Marine NCO rummaged through his kit and MRE where he found a packet of pound cake, peanut butter spread, and an unfiltered Marlboro. The Sgt used these ingredients to create a field expedient Marine Corps birthday cake complete with a candle (the Marlboro) that would have made Chesty Puller proud.

Next the Sgt called his platoon to gather around the cake where he stated: “we may be far from home, fighting for our lives in this godforsaken city with drug crazed haji’s all around us shouting Alakhbar. We may be low on ammunition, food, and water. We have neither slept nor bathed in a week. But do not despair Marines for we have our history and each other. The hippies sitting back at home may question our sanity for pausing in the middle of a battle to celebrate our Corps’ birthday – forgive them their ignorance for they do not know that our history, traditions and symbols are what gird us for battle and give us the strength to fight harder and longer than our enemy ever will”.

The Sgt. cut two piece’s of cake and gave them to the oldest and youngest Marines in the group, then as he passed the rest of pound cake amongst his Marines he said “I don’t know what the Commandant’s Birthday Message was, but I do know that our celebration of the Corps birthday on this day is what being a Marine is all about – Semper Fi Marines!”

No matter where you are today, whether it is in the ballroom of the Ritz Carlton (gotta be an officer’s ball) or in an LP/OP in some remote mountain pass in the Hindu Kush, take a moment to reflect on the history of our Corps and the brothers and sisters you call Marine, for these are truly the things worth celebrating.

Most crackheads are politically left-leaning liberals, so your first line of defense is to distract him by pointing suddenly and yelling, “Look! Oprah!” When they turn around, smack his pipe to the ground with your Ninja grasshopper hand strike (be sure to make a Bruce Lee “Waaaa” screech for effect). Most crack pipes have glass bowls (David Caruso tells us), so once his whole world shatters he’ll be on his knees begging to perform a rusty trombone on you for new pipe money…or shoving a shiv in your face. Could be either. Unfortunately this tactic only works on the Darwinian dolts of the crackhead community because even addicts know that Oprah doesn’t slum around in back alleys unless she’s mongering her way through Wolfgang Puck’s dumpster again. So don’t count on this getting you out of your jam.

Before you can enact the backup plan, you must quickly determine if the crack head is currently cracked up. If so, you’re in luck. Crackheads are only one step away from death when they’re on the rock, so if he’s recently fired up, he’ll be hyper-vigilant, irritable, anxious, panicky, and more paranoid than Phil Hartman’s wife. When you factor in the heart rate of a crackhead is eighteen times that of a thoroughbred, he’s a powder keg just aching for your flame. All you have to do is flick your Bic. It’s well documented that crackheads are like Justin Timberlake at a rave when the beats start thumping, so whip out the boom box and get your Riverdance on! Five minutes and he’ll go limper than Brittany Spears on a Tae Bo, Oreo, and Rockstar binge.

If he’s clearly not on the rock (easily discernable by his rude disdain for your personal space and persistent boner) no problem. When not firing up, crackheads experience deeper depression than a Brando family reunion. Go for the jugular of self loathing and make him question his reason for living. Exploit the fact that he’s a strung out addict doomed to a life of disappointment who couldn’t get hired picking the underwear out of a fat man’s ass and he’ll reenact the implosion scene from Scanners. Stand back so you don’t get hepatitis shrapnel on your club shoes.

Your emergency plan is to go in the opposite mental direction. If the crackhead grabs a common object, like a cat, and approaches you menacingly, quickly proclaim, “It’s not your fault you’re a drug addict, it’s the Government’s!” Within seconds you’ll be inundated with every mundane conspiracy theory from ‘The EPA is letting aliens use my brain for experimentation’ to ‘Walt Disney’s was a crossdressing CIA operative who funneled Afghani opium through Mickey’s anal cavity!’ This soft sell has a drawback because your inadvertent use of therapeutic soothing will probably end up with you making a friend for life. A crackhead wanting to be your personal bellman doesn’t exactly win you friends on Wysteria Lane.