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Douche of the Year – UPDATE 1/1/12
By Kelly
Updated: December 11, 2011
This is one of our favorite times of the year and not just for the bourbon and egg nog. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats and Mark Endy…It’s time for us here at Ranger Up to present the 1st Annual Douche of the Year contest!
Over the last 12 months we, as well as the rest of the country, have been inundated by the daily onslaught of Douchiness. While we attempt to highlight only the most profound offenders, we also understand that we only scratch the surface when it comes to the general douchebaggery out there. And, even though we have sentenced many, many individuals to Douchebagistan, we still believe in democracy. So much in fact, that we (being the only judge qualified to bring such harsh punishment on deservingly retarded individuals) believe all sentenced jack-wagons have a constitutional right be governed by one of their own and that only an elected official should have the right to govern. That is where you come in.
Below you will see the candidates for Douche of the Year. While the list is not all-inclusive of our illustrious Douche of the Week awards, each has committed some sort of outrageous act that drew our attention to them, which in turn, sentenced them to Douchebagistan. It is your turn to vote in our General Election/Douche of the Year contest. Each nominee is linked to their story and subsequent sentence to purgatory. There is no prize package, other than a few skittles I found in my couch last night, no trophy to display on a mantle nor is there a crown to wear (Douchbagistan is not a monarchy).
To make this a little more interesting, leave a comment on why you are voting for a particular candidate. We have two t-shirts that are looking for a good home and will award them to the most creative comments. Good luck to all the candidates and may the biggest douche win!
Rice University
PFC Naser Abdo
Congress
Knob Hill Homeowners Association
Patti Labelle
Rep. Barney Frank
Professor Michael Avery
UPDATE
And the winner is…
Thanks to all of you for your comments and support for the Rhino Den 1st Annual Douche of the Year award. As we all suspected, it really wasn’t much of a contest at all. Without all of the hoopla and strategically placed commercial breaks to build the suspense…we have a clear cut winner…
THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS
For the next year, this collective group of worthless human excrement has the supreme responsibility (they already have it, just don’t exercise it much) for the training, health and welfare…wait, am I writing an NCOER…anyways…of an ever growing population of douchebags rejected from the great democratic republic of the United States of America and sentenced to a life of douchiness in Douchebagistan.
The relocation of our congress to Douchebagistan becomes a little more bitter sweet as recent studies show that the personal wealth gap between our elected leaders and their constituents is growing at an alarming rate. Half of all our members of congress are considered millionaires and their combined median net worth is $913,000 whereas the average net worth of an American family is $100,000. It maybe just me, but I guess the whole “of the people, for the people” concept has kind of gone the way of the flobee… history. We won’t continue to bash Congress on their day of glory, but let it be said that we are imposing a term limit of 1 year for this distinguishing award. Otherwise there would be no other winner… ever!
Congratulations Congress, you have consistently proven time and time again that you truly deserve to lead Douchebagistan into 2012.
Thanks to all who left comments and voted. As promised, the winners are: VERMONT and DS ALLEN. Please email me at: ru.damnright@gmail.com so I can set you up with your free shit!
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Brian
December 12, 2011 at 11:08 am
It is obviously PFC Naser “knob gobbler” Abdo. To become overly religous on the eve of a deployment is a real douche move. To choose peace and show a disdain for war is fine, until you go buy a bunch of shit to kill inicent Americans at a cafe (I hate trying to spell restaurant, seems like the U is in the wrong place)!
I would assume that Abdo is not totally retarded since he passed the ASVAB and made it into the Army. So I would also assume he has read, or at least seen a headline talking about Soldiers killing muslim extremists, so why join the infantry if you are scared to pull the trigger? I am guessing he signed up to be a killer because his friends were doing it, or he was trying to get into some girls pants with war stories, before he even left for boot camp.
My last thought on his amazingly last minute CO stance is that he found a nice man who made him feel all warm and tingly. He just couldn’t stand to leave the United States with Pierre still here and wanting to love him. Luckily for Abdo is that he will probably find a couple of dozen guys at his next duty station “The Big House” that will gladly give him the loving he longs for.
Please make the shirt and Extra Large, thanks.
USAF First Sergeant
Brian
December 12, 2011 at 11:09 am
It is obviously PFC Naser “knob gobbler” Abdo. To become overly religious on the eve of a deployment is a real douche move. To choose peace and show a disdain for war is fine, until you go buy a bunch of shit to kill innocent Americans at a cafe (I hate trying to spell restaurant, seems like the U is in the wrong place)!
I would assume that Abdo is not totally retarded since he passed the ASVAB and made it into the Army. So I would also assume he has read, or at least seen a headline talking about Soldiers killing Muslim extremists, so why join the infantry if you are scared to pull the trigger? I am guessing he signed up to be a killer because his friends were doing it, or he was trying to get into some girls pants with war stories, before he even left for boot camp.
My last thought on his amazingly last minute CO stance is that he found a nice man who made him feel all warm and tingly. He just couldn’t stand to leave the United States with Pierre still here and wanting to love him. Luckily for Abdo is that he will probably find a couple of dozen guys at his next duty station “The Big House” that will gladly give him the loving he longs for.
Sorry for the double post, I fat fingered the keyboard a couple times in the last one!
Please make the shirt and Extra Large, thanks.
USAF First Sergeant
Peter Pants
December 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Douche of the Year must go to Congress! Yeah, all the other candidates for this prestigious award are jacked up, but, they must all bow to the candidate that is jacking up the entire nation. The article sums it up: If you cannot perform the simplest task of your elected position, it is time to take it to the house. In Mother America, Congress Fucks You!
Hillel
December 12, 2011 at 3:37 pm
I am voting for Congress to be this years Douche of the Year, for the very reason that they failed the group that needed them to pull through, the Military. And because they miserably failed, and as such our Military, which I hope to be a part of shortly, will be almost crippled. Thanks a lot, douchebags.
James
December 13, 2011 at 8:04 am
Asking which candidate is more douche than the other is like trying to find the gayest justin beiber song… you can’t go wrong with any of them
Mark Kimeml
December 13, 2011 at 8:46 am
I vote for barrack obama.
Sgt James Riss
December 13, 2011 at 8:52 am
This is gonna be a toss up. Every entry is a perfect candidate for the DBOY.
I (personally) think most of our legislative branch needs fired.
Michael Y
December 13, 2011 at 8:54 am
CONGRESS (I would vote for the entire O administration, but apparently that’s not a choice.)
How do I hate thee, let me count the ways:
1. Being inept at investigating anything – Solyndra, the Gibson Guitar raids, Holder and the Fast and Furious debacle
2. Using the military as a political pawn. Newsflash! The military is Constitutionally mandated. Here’s an idea – cut entitlement programs that contribute nothing to our society.
3. In reference to the Constitution, can anyone in Congress read for comprehension?! They swore an oath to uphold the Constitution and it seems few of them have read even a word of it.
4. The Congressional Super Committee – fuckwits, the whole lot.
5. Sticking their noses into issues like NCAA football (’09, I know, but still), the NFL lockout (it’s a game), and smokeless tobacco use in MLB (also a fucking game)
Sgt Wolff
December 15, 2011 at 10:55 am
I concur, that bastard has handed 2 whole nations to our enemies the Islamists(Libya and Egypt for those who are unaware with current events) and handed Iraq to Iran. Hell that’s not even touching on the rest of his half-assery. Quiet literally, our Commander in Chief has committed treason during a time of war. Sadly this is fact. So lets send him the t-shirt he has so well earned.
Jared
December 23, 2011 at 11:14 am
Not getting involved in Libya and Egypt = Treason? Can you overnight what your smoking to my house for the holidays? If you think thats treason then Ron Paul must make you curl up in the fetal position. Either way Congress gets my vote. Allowing the country go into default and doing nothing threatens the American way of life plain and simple.
SGT Peter D
December 13, 2011 at 9:21 am
Congress should be the douche of the year. Lets just look at the facts. The others are douches, all well and good. But their doucheness is generally not effecting that many people. Congress, in their infinite douchebaggarty has been screwing the entire United States, with a possibility of the WORLD being screwed over. None of the others can even close to that claim. Even drunken monkeys with machine guns to less damage then those idiots in Congress. So, for the Douche of the Year, I am voting for Congress. I hope they enjoy their stay in Douchebagistan.
David Willier
December 13, 2011 at 9:28 am
It has to be Nancy Pelosi!!!
Why??? Always wanting and getting a ride home
on an Air force jet headed to California.It
would be too much ride with the average citizen on
a regular scheduled flight from Washington to
California.
Also the “swamp” was supposed to be cleaned
out???
Other subjects concerning Pelosi and
her actions to many to mention here.
Thank you.
Dudley Toelke
December 13, 2011 at 10:44 am
They are all so deserving of your prestigious award; it’s so hard to decide. However, my vote has to be that inveterate douchebag, Patti LaBelle-washed up singer and waste of skin.
Kelly
December 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I’m with you on this one. Her actions were completely inexcusable.
Chicago 6
December 13, 2011 at 10:39 pm
I can’t vote for Patti Labelle, only because the video of the incident doesn’t prove that she ordered “the hit”. I can prove the others are guilty of douchbagery beyond a reasonable doubt, but unfortunately this would fail in a court of law.
phantom
December 13, 2011 at 11:20 am
Kelly.
My man.
Like you said, not all-inclusive list, but….you left out the douchebaggiest duo of the year:
Project Gunrunner and oval office stooge, Eric Holder.
John
December 13, 2011 at 11:45 am
While the RU readership is presented with a deserving pool of applicants for “Douche of the Year” one clearly stands out. That douchey applicant is Prof. Michael Avery.
Michael’s position as an educator puts him in a place to persuade his pupils to pledge a partnership with his perverse views. To teaching our youth disrespect for the armed forces I say, “phoey.” Barney Frank may qualify based on the criteria of position, but reread “Congress” and see otherwise.
Let Michael travel Douchbagastan and enjoy the company of his peers.
Chicago 6
December 13, 2011 at 11:56 am
While all the candidates listed would be welcomed with applause at the douchbagamey awards show, I believe it’s Congress that should be given the crown for 2011.
My reasoning is simple: while the rest of the candidates are defined by a simple act, Congress has exceedingly proven that they are collectively a giant douche every day of the year.
In April of 2010, Adm Mike Mullen said “The most significant threat to our national security is our debt”. Congress has failed to significantly act on this, nor have they been able to consistently pass a budget or work together to solve important issues facing the future and security of this nation. The men and women in our armed forces can fight an enemy shooting at them, but not ones demanding t-bills and bonds that are past due.
Congress also refuses to pass laws regarding their own insider trading and money making schemes. If anybody from RU made money from insider trading, they would be sent to federal pound-me-in-the-bunghole penitentiary, but in Congress it‘s Kosher! They’re making money off the backs of hard working Americans who put their blood and soul into the country, and it makes me cry.
In my old platoon, sure we had a PL and PSG who had the final say on matters, but we learned how to work together regardless of our backgrounds and feelings to accomplish the mission, to keep each other alive, and to protect those back at home. Our failure to do so would be deadly, unforgivable, and treasonous.
Why is Congress exempt from what is expected of our lowest ranking soldiers and red blooded Americans everywhere? That question is why I’m nominating them for Douche of the Year, 2011.
Bill Van Orman
December 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm
This is a difficult choice, between Professor Douchbag, that traitoous little assmonkey PFC Abo, and Congress. Congress is collectively stupid and pretty much always has been, so I won’t vote for them. College professors are typically ignorant of the real world, and my mother raised me not to pick on retarded kids, so I will leave him alone. This leaves me the PFC. Not so much because of the CO thing. That just means he needs a turkey baster filled with water, or saline solution shoved up his vagina to rinse the sand out, but to turn around and want to blow up a restaraunt. He didn’t even have the balls enough to go after Soldiers, but a place where there could be families and children. My vote goes for this ass clown. He should not only be banished but violated daily by every poor mistreated Donkey in Afghanistan.
Joe Melchiorre
December 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Jerry Sandusky
Lois
December 13, 2011 at 5:24 pm
I think “Rosie O`” should be on this list for glorifying “Hanoi Jane” last night on her crappy show. Unbelievable!!
Kelly
December 13, 2011 at 8:19 pm
We’re not Fonda Jane. Hahahaha!
RU Rob
December 13, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Bwahahah! Look at the big brains on Kelly!
Mast3rGunn3r
December 13, 2011 at 6:17 pm
I vote for liberty chick who posted on Face Book why in her scrambled void of a brain, why she doesn’t support the troops.
RU Rob
December 13, 2011 at 9:06 pm
MasterGunner, I agree that she is a douchey as they come, however if we nominated her we would be acknowledging her actual existence. I would much rather treat her like a turd, one flush and gone forever!
MasterGunner
December 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Roger That Rob!!
Liberty chick whoooo???
Congress gets my vote!!
lauren
December 13, 2011 at 7:13 pm
i vote for congress! living overseas as i do, the daily grind and sordid media coverage of the good ol’ united states has a hard time getting through to me. but congress has pushed hard enough to reach all the way across the world that their ineptitude and general douchebaggery is normal conversation even on okinawa. and of course, being military, they potentially affect my way of life more than any other entity.
proudly usaf
Vermont
December 13, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I am going to have to vote for Congress as douche of the year. People do stupid things everyday and for the most part they don’t affect the whole nation. Congress makes bad decisions all the time and we Americans have to deal with the consequences. This bullshit about the Congress being by the people, for the people needs to be reworded to by Congress, for Congress. Congress was taking its sweet time on passing the federal budget while we hard working Americans feared not getting paid; feared not being able to pay the bills or buy food or put gas in our cars. We feared for our livelihood while Congress was taking vacation time with the comfort of knowing that they will still be paid while deciding the fate of our nation’s financial budget. A real Congress that is by the people, for the people would never make its people fear the possibility of not being able to put food on the table or take care of their families. A real Congress would put comfort and trust into its people’s hearts. Comfort and trust that comes from making good decisions that benefit and protect its people. The Congress of the United States of America does not put comfort and trust in its peoples hearts. It puts hate and distrust that reeks distain from the American people’s mouths. Give the American people a new Congress; a Congress not afraid to make the right decisions and protect its people.
RU Rob
December 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Isn’t it amazing that once again we may be faced with yet aother government shut down?
EvilMonkey
December 15, 2011 at 10:08 am
Thats three this year! You all suck at your job, go get Donald Trump and fire thier asses!
Brian S.
December 13, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Definitely Fatty LaBelle. What kind of entitled cocksucker do you have to be to sic your security guards on a guy who bumped your luggage? If you thought he was stealing it, even that’s not enough justification–have your guards restrain him and wait for the cops. I’d like to see Patti Labelle in hell, being railed in the ass by Satan’s big thorny dick with his bristly velcro ballsack shoved into her chilly old snatch. She deserves worse but that’s about the limit of my imagination.
Allen
December 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm
My vote goes to PFC Abdo, and here is why;
I have hesitated to reveal this so publicly so far due in all honesty to just plain not wanting to actually admit such failure, but I hit my ETS after 12 years of service and hung up that useless digital uniform. So no more holding back
I WAS ONE OF THAT DOUCHE ROCKET’S DRILL SERGEANTS!
Yeah I said it. PFC Abdo was a constant pain in my ass all the way through OSUT training at hotashell Ft Benning. I was one of 3 drills in 1st plt and he was a trainee in 2nd (only 1 drill). We were constanty covering down on this shit-stick shined platoon. He was a fucktard long before he decided to go all ACLU on everyone and for sure before he went derka derka. He is actually one of the major reasons I hung up the hat and called her quits after 12 years. Total “Bag numbingly worried about their own career” brass and SGM are the reason we couldn’t succeed in kicking this asshat out of MY army. We started paperwork on him and through the wonderful bureaucracy that is Sand Hill it was decided to just let this goat fucker slide on through so someone didn’t have to deal with it.
See I was now a “reserve” DS activated to train soldiers in 2009, but I got that hat back in early 2000′s and you would be amazed how much the army changed in that short 9 years. You needed a helluva paper trail plus a prayer to get someone gone for the right reasons.
Oh well, here is to PFC Abdo being locked in the Bubba infested prison that he is. Go tongue jack a shit-box private.
DS Allen
Former
Kelly
December 14, 2011 at 10:27 am
Wow. We feel for you Sarge! Tongue jack a shitbox…priceless.
The Sniper
December 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm
How can one possibly choose only one of these as the Douche of the Year without some kind of ranking system? There has to be a tier system like they use at the Olympics. Perhaps different categories like “Government Douche”, “Celebrity Douche”, and “Private Citizen cum Public Pariah Douche”? I mean, there are so many choices this year it’s like a convention of colonic clinic CEO’s. This is just a tidal wave of douchebaggery slamming into America like a Summer’s Eve tsunami. Seriously guys, we need categories so we can separate the vinegar from the water from the fresh scent additives and get down to the nitty-gritty.
What do you say?
Kelly
December 14, 2011 at 10:27 am
Great idea…for next year. For now we’re going to have to go on straight votes. Who was the biggest un-American shitbag of the year in your opinion?
E6L
December 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm
Clearly the winner should be Congress. Honestly everyone else on the list people could give a flying fuck about. But Congress…these fucktards have a real responsibility to make hard, adult decisions that effect out entire nation…yet they act like a bunch of fucktards and make stupid decisions. And these assholes are being paid…BY US…to represent us. WTF?! Oh well.
E5SFAS
December 16, 2011 at 1:37 pm
When it comes to full-blown douchery, I vote for Barney Frank. Of all the stupid retards in congress, this ass-clown deserves to be crucufied for the part that he played in helping to push our economy farther and farther into this recession.
Deke
December 19, 2011 at 6:16 pm
My vote: Congress.
Why you may ask:
1. They never seem to get anything done until the last minute
2. The house is full of idealistic pukes
3. My tax dollars are given over with the expetation that something will get done.
4. The republican party is hanging on to a vision of america that died in the 1970′s (I blame WASPS) and the dems are so politically correct that they are the ignorant ones.
5. The liberals make it really hard to be a corrections officer.(Yes I put up with bullshit 50 hours a week)
Jeff
December 30, 2011 at 12:28 am
While I feel for everyone that is insisting that congress should be enshrined into the douche bag hall of fame and forever banished to the country of Douchebagistan my real concern is that these jokers would legislate earmark improvements to that sorry assed place for upgrades before they got on the damned plane! Now we would have more debt to finance improvements to the country that is home to a wide variety of shit bags, ass clowns, and other clueless oxygen thieves! Douchebagistan would be turned into a country club or some fuckin resort at our expense!
While the prof deserves serious consideration for being able to meld young impressionable minds, I have to tell you that Barney Frank gets my vote for totally fucking up the financial part of this country with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. The guy did more damage to this country by insisting that underqualified people (ghettoites in my police world) deserve to live in a 300K home when they don’t have a damned job. His actions will be felt by generations (no pun intended).
My thought is that if you can send all of congress, then we better send the whole sorry lot of this year’s contestants to the ‘stan so we can start with a fresh slate of turds next year. That way we won’t have to wring our hands over the same shits next year.
Send congress and I’m tellin ya we will have to look for a new country to house turds cause they will fund improvements before we cut the movement orders!
RU Rob
December 30, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Jeff, I wholeheartedly agree and we have already identified that as a potential pitfall of sending Congress to D-stan. That being said, we have collectively agreed that the budget of said D-Stan shall be zero, zilch, nada, nichts! Since congress as a whole has an average net worth of almost a million a piece, they can utilize their own funds to convert that ass-crack into a nice crevace!
Be Safe (I also have been known to use Ghettoites)!
Logan
January 1, 2012 at 1:04 am
With out a doubt the biggest, fattest, inconceivable douche-loser is Patty Labelle. Don’t get me wrong all the others are douches, but its one thing to mentally assault or harass someone administratively, but it goes over the line to physically assault (or order to physically assault) an unsuspecting person for no good reason. Unbelievable, someone play the Grinch song and replace all the “Mr. Grinche’s” with Mr.(or Mrs. douche)and tell Patti to play it to herself. Stupid mediocre,
mentally retarded douchebag, go F off.