Douche of the Week: T-T-T Tim Poe
By RU Contributor Jack Mandaville
I was in the middle of a mind-numbing work shift the other evening when I got call from a friend. She started going into a whole spiel about this guy she saw on NBC’s America’s Got Talent, how he had an angelic voice and all that jazz. Then she went into his back story, about how he was wounded in Afghanistan and stuttered because of a TBI, but his stutter went away when he put all of his energy into the art of singing. She was choked up.
This was my no shit response: “He’s probably lying.”
Sounds a bit dickish, right? That’s because it was dickish… and there’s a reason why I immediately went there: I have become extremely jaded by the overwhelming number of individuals falsely claiming or exaggerating military service. It’s rampant.
Well guess what, I totally called it.
Tim Poe, an Afghanistan Vet and former member of the Minnesota National Guard, is the tyrannosaurus-sized pile of douche in question. Last Tuesday, June 5th, AGT ran a brief segment about Poe in which he discussed his service in Afghanistan and the invented injuries he sustained there. Throughout the interview, supposed pictures of him were shown on screen as he struggled to narrate the circumstances that caused his current stuttering problem. Then—while tears began to boil from his eyes—Señor Doucheypants related this heart wrenching gem:
“When I was lying there I thought I was never going to be able to see my daughter walk down the aisle, or-or-or throw the baseball with my son again, or-or be able to-to-to hold them or see them again.”
Oh my god, sh-sh-sh-shut the fuck up! Timmy Turdpants definitely went to Afghanistan (as a supply clerk), that’s undeniable. But that’s pretty much the only truth in his whole twisted web of lies. It doesn’t matter, because the crowd and the judges ate that shit up like starving Somalis at an all you can eat UN rice buffet. Seriously, this guy was playing the war veteran card like a boss. His occupation was literally listed as “War Veteran.” WTF? If he’s getting paid for this shit, I’m headin’ straight for the VA to get my back pay. Poe had his advancement to the next round locked before he even started his performance.
That was until people he had served with started making posts on Facebook stating that Poe had never been anywhere near combat, much less been wounded. A few of these allegations were picked up by some reputable blogs that specialize in calling guys like Poe out and the next thing you know, the Minnesota National Guard is officially going on the record by stating that Poe never received any of the medals he claimed. Not since Jesse Ventura was governor has the state of Minnesota produced such a nationally recognized douchelord.
Here’s a quick list of some things that have come to light about Poe, most of which came from the diligent work by our friends over at This Ain’t Hell:
- The picture he submitted of himself turned out to be Staff Sergeant Norman Bone. Neither of them have ever met and the picture was taken three years before Poe’s falsified wounding.
- His ex-wife is publically coming out and saying he’s a deadbeat dad, adding that his own son doesn’t even believe anything coming out of his mouth.
- Poe continues to backtrack and defend his claims of being wounded even though nobody from his chain-of-command has verified his claims.
Regarding the photograph, Poe’s fiancé (who seems to be an equal player in the lies) claimed he accidently sent the wrong picture when submitting to the network. Oh right, I make that mistake all the time. I always confuse pictures of Marines I’ve never met with my own fuckin’ face… I just happen to look like Dakota Meyer.
But this is the thing; I don’t think Poe is douchebag just for being a habitual liar—there’s way too many of these guys out there doing that. Poe is a douchebag because his lies were nationally televised. Poe is a douchebag for getting caught. He may have singlehandedly ruined (or at least dented) the integrity of our men and women serving in uniform. When America drinks the kool-aid like they did with Poe’s sob story, they’re going to get pissed when they find out they were deceived. (See: Balloon Boy) How are his lies going to affect those who were actually wounded and received TBI’s? As a result of this saga, how many people are going to second-guess individuals who actually sacrificed their bodies and minds?
Whether you were a supply clerk who handed out socks or were super SF badass who has every decoration in the book, be proud of your service. Don’t be ashamed of what you did or didn’t do. You accomplished more than the overwhelming majority of your peers.
Regardless, his actions could have withstanding consequence. This makes him a top tier Blue Falcon and our Douche of the Week. Congratulations, Tim Poe, I hereby order you to Douchebagistan where you can wow your fellow Douchebagistanians with your outrageous bullshit. S-S-S-S-S-S-SUCK IT!