Douche of the Week: Rolling Stone (Yes, Again)

Updated: July 17, 2014


By Doc Bailey

Have you ever read an article and choked on whatever you were drinking, or in my case spit your drink all over your computer?  Have you ever checked quickly to make sure that this is not in fact The Onion or Duffel Blog? I’m sure you’ve read a news article that made you do a double-take, and you weren’t sure if you should feel outrage, horror, or if you should laugh hysterically at the sheer insanity of what you just read.

This Rolling Stone “article” written by Kristen Gwynne rises to a whole new level of jackassery for which I am not sure there is a word.

The title is “The Five Most Dangerous Guns in America.”

Hmm. Okay. Color me intrigued. What do you think the most dangerous guns in America are? Did you guess AK-47? Did you maybe guess one of the old favorites like the .44 Magnum? Heck, I bet one or two of you have a picture of a Barrett .50 cal you wack off to.  That sounds pretty dangerous. Nope.

You read that right. The whole category of pistols are the most dangerous guns in America. Which pistols? Who knows, but apparently Glock is the most popular. Which Glock? Hell, I don’t know, aren’t they all the same?

I’m glad Ms. Gwynne so adequately describes what the hell a pistol is, because I would hate to get confused here. Oh wait, no, she doesn’t. Seriously read her description of what a pistol is. You know what’s even funnier? The very next gun is. . . revolvers!  You laughing yet? I am. Last time I checked, the only revolvers out there are pistols – unless rotating drum MK-19 grenade launchers are now common use in the civilian population (I’m not even kidding, read it).

Honestly, at this point, do I really need to go into rifles and shotguns (Most Dangerous Guns numbers 3 and 4)? I’ll warn you now, if you actually read all of those entries you’ll probably suffer severe cranial trauma from repeatedly beating your head against the desk. Just to top it all off, guess what #5 is.  Derringers. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, derringers basically went out of style before WWI started. Unless you’re Abraham Lincoln or a cowboy trying to get a freebie in Tombstone, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about derringers.

Gun_Industry_Connecticut_03f50_image_982wThis IS a Rolling Stone article, so I wasn’t expecting much. In case you’ve forgotten, these were the yahoos who singlehandedly sent General McChrystal’s career into the burn-out latrine, and put Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, one of the Boston Marathon bombers, on its cover. But even though I’m not exactly expecting journalistic integrity here, this was ridiculous. I half expected her to call Shotguns “boom-sticks” and refer to Rifles as “long-distance assault death machines.” Truth be told I could get a college freshman wasted and and have him defecate a 500 word description of each category that’s more informative.

At this point I am searching for anything to redeem this article. I think, though, if there is any actual value to it, it’s the comments section. Much like some of the more amazing Amazon reviews, people have crafted comedy gold through the power of the interwebz – which might manage to restore some of your faith in the human race.

Thankfully there were no Ghost Guns, Magazine Clips, or expended AT-4’s that freak out a police chief, or some of the other eye roll inducing phrases that we’ve come to expect from such an article. That would have pushed Ms. Gwynne’s ignorance into the stratosphere. Still, if Ms. Gwynne was actually paid for this, then I’ve got some beachfront property in Phoenix I want to sell the people at Rolling Stone.

But here’s the real reason we at the Den are giving Rolling Stone the Douche of the Week award. The douchegasm that was this article was written by the ignorant for the ignorant. The article wasn’t meant to educate or influence. It was meant to jerk off everyone who squeals in terror at the sight of firearms. Unfortunately, while this is good for a laugh and perhaps years of shaming Rolling Stone, articles like this do present a danger.  We have all seen in recent years the dangers of uninformed voters freaking out and demanding new gun laws that they haven’t even read. It was written in such a way so that the people who know nothing about guns will freak out about these scary death machines.

Rolling Stone is guilty of fear mongering at its worst. Next time they’ll hopefully just send their writers into random theaters and have them start shouting, “School shooter!!”

That will do less damage than their article on the “Most Dangerous Guns in America.”




  1. leftoftheboom

    July 17, 2014 at 7:35 am

    And they got going again with a “How to beat the NRA”

    To bad they did not ask the serious questions.

    What is the leading cause of diabetes and obesity related deaths? The spoon, followed closely by the fork, which has tines instead of a bowl, after that comes the knife and it can be dangerous in close quarters and only under extreme circumstances should it be used for ice cream.

  2. Ann

    July 17, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I like RS magazine. It’s not my “go to” source for the latest in politics, crime, etc… I did a double take at the source while reading this article. It could easily be mistaken for a piece in “The Onion” and is one of the worst examples of journalism I’ve seen. It’s stupid.

  3. JoeC

    July 17, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Hmmm. Pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles and Derringers. That pretty much sums up every firearm available. Nice to see that machine guns didn’t make the list. Maybe the one positive part of this article is that it could be cited as a reason to repeal the NFA.

  4. Whitey

    July 17, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Sounds like she got her education from Bob Bateman, otherwise known as the self-proclaimed badass combat vet who’s never actually been in combat.

    Honestly, the Facebook comments regarding pistol/revolvers are almost as stupid. A pistol is a sidearm, period. Revolver, auto, single-shot, flintlock, whatever, it’s a pistol. Flintlock pistols were called pistols for centuries. Sam Colt called his six-shooters pistols, as did the Army. Same for Old Man Remington, and Smith & Wesson, long before anybody dreamed of a semiauto. The Great John Browning called his pistol designs automatic pistols, because they were pistols that happened to be automatic. Jeez…

    Sorry about the rant.

  5. El Burro Peligroso

    July 17, 2014 at 6:17 pm

  6. Frank

    July 19, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Uber Lame DoW.! Finding fault with Trolling Stone is about as difficult as shooting disabled kids in an elevator. And far more distasteful a task.

  7. Gunship Load

    July 21, 2014 at 10:31 am

    “Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”

    While the origional “Evil Dead” movies were just about as accurate as that POS article from Rolling Stone was, I at least found the movies entertaining.

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