by Nick Palmisciano We need to step up. All of us....
Douche of the Week: Me, Mike the Contractor
Hello. I just placed an order with ilovemymuscles.com and got this deluxe white tee shirt imprinted with the company’s logo on the front. I get to become a walking billboard for some cheesedick company that charges $25.00 for shipping to APO addresses, so I’d like to nominate myself as the Douche of the Week.
I’m sure you’ve seen me or my brethren at the gym. I work for a private security company that pays me about 600 dollars a day to pump steroids and exploit the soldiers that get paid 1/10th of what I make, whose sole purpose is to support my overpaid ass. I can probably be seen walking to and from my superior living accommodations. If I’m not in front of you at the DFAC, asking for obscure cuisine, like say, egg whites in the middle of fucking Iraq, then I’m more than likely at the gym. I’m the one benching 6 plates, grunting the whole time like some kind of animal in heat, ready to have an aneurysm.
One of my favorite things to do is throw weights around the gym. It’s pretty cool, I get to see people dodge 90 pound dumbbells after I curl them, once, and throw them on the floor in an incredible display of manhood. You’ll hardly ever see me doing cardio or legs when I’m at the gym, just biceps and chest. Sometimes I like to put on weight lifting belts, those nifty leather ones, because they help my grunt even louder, probably because my diaphragm is getting smothered.
But the greatness does not stop there. I’m a spokesman for Oakley and 5.11 tactical. I have the nicest shit, the coolest glasses and the absolute most rock hard tattoos. In fact, I once went into a tattoo shop outside of Watertown, New York, where I was stationed with the 10th mountain as a water purifier infantry combat superhero, threw a dart at the wall and just got whatever it landed on tattooed on my arm. Luckily, it was the Batman symbol.
I have a different pair of glasses for every day of the week, but the real veterans of my company, the silver backs, have a different pair for every day of the month. Aspirations…
The most recent ones I picked up are these super cool Cyclops ones, like the guy from the X-Men movies. Forget about tactical. Forget about eye protection. It’s all about style baby. You know these neon red lenses I got are just like the ones Vin Diesel wore while he was shooting the movie the Pacifier? I’m so cool.
One of my favorite hobbies is to pick up girls on active duty. National guard girls are the best, because the only thing they have to look forward to is redeploying home again, where their hotness will plummet from a 7 back down to a 2, maybe 2 and a half. Plus, these girls, especially the MP’s, are crazy about a hot shit like me who sings a nice tune about making thousands a month and claims to be looking for a nice girl to nest with.
I enjoy drinking in a combat zone, because lets face it, nothing mixes better with testosterone and guns than alcohol. That’s just another perk of working here as a private security company. Plus, a lot of the soldiers stationed here are more than happy to be my buddy. I don’t think they are exploiting the alcohol I can procure them. No, it’s not that. They just hang out with me because I’m smooth and have a nice personality.
You know, in hindsight I think maybe I’m not the true douche of the week. But I’m pretty close, I can tell you that.
Mike was part of our writing contest. He left us this note and we never heard from him again.