Douche of the Week: Lil Wayne
By Jack Mandaville
I want to make a few of my personal opinions clear before I go into my impending tirade about our latest Douche of the Week.
1) I think Natalie Maines is not only extremely talented, but I believe the backlash her and The Dixie Chicks received after their controversial stance on the Iraq War was unnecessary and unfair.
2) I harbor no ill will toward NFL quarterback Michael Vick. What he did was certainly atrocious, but there are far bigger travesties involving our own species and he has done his time both physically and financially.
3) I vehemently believe that the protection of speech, no matter how offensive or unpopular it may be, must be upheld at all costs—that’s including the protection of groups like the WBC, the KKK, the Nation of Islam, the seven people who champion Rosie O’Donnell, etc.
4) Since I’m probably already at the point where I’ve pissed a lot of people off (which is totally protected by the 1st Amendment, by the way), I must state, on a personal level, that I DO NOT think George Lopez is funny. I repeat: comedian George Lopez is not funny…at all. (I’ll admit that’s more of a personal opinion than something based off of calculated principles.)
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want to make it clear that I’m not easily swayed into hype or mob rage concerning unpopular people or events.
Alright, I’ve spent the last half-hour carefully dwelling on how I’m going to attack our latest Douche of the Week. In that time I’ve tried to rationalize his actions, always going back to that aforementioned 1st Amendment issue. And I just want to state, coinciding with multiple Supreme Court decisions on the matter, that what this particular douche did was completely legal. But just because something is legal, doesn’t mean you should do it—or, if you must do something that’s legal yet unpopular, you should do it in an intelligent and/or artistic way.
Enter our latest ducha de la semana: second-rate rapper extraordinaire, Lil Wayne—AKA Baby D, AKA Weezy, AKA The Prince of Autotune, AKA Lord Purple Drank, AKA Señor Seizure, AKA The King of Cough Medicine, AKA Michael J Wayne…
… You get the point.
This douchasaurus is no stranger to controversy, but this latest one takes the sweet, diabetic cake.
Aside from having a cluttered ink-laden bukkake on his face, a set of teeth that makes him more verbally incoherent than Mushmouth, and an uncanny ability to garner the exact same fanbase as Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne is also known for crooning American audiences with his deep, socially conscious mumblings.
Here’s an excerpt from one of his latest songs, “God Bless Amerika”:
“My country ’tis of thee / Sweet land of kill ’em all and let ’em die / God bless Amerika / This ole’ godless Amerika.”
That’s really deep, brah. Some straight up Allen Ginsberg shit right there. You should have a blog.
The lyrics to that song aren’t what I have a problem with, though. If my main objective was to take a dump on people simply for their choice of words, this entire article would be about Dianne Feinstein and I’d be calling it a night.
My problem with Lil Wayne involves recently leaked video footage of his music video shoot for the abovementioned song.
The video starts out with King Douchewad dramatically singing into a microphone in front of a gigantic American Flag. Within seconds the flag drops to the ground (strike one) and the thirty-year old rapper proceeds to casually waltz around the fallen colors in complete oblivion (strike two). But that’s not the worst part, my friends. After he spends a considerable amount of time pacing around the flag like it’s his home’s entry rug, the dumbfuck then breaks out in a crunked out adaptation of Riverdance while skillfully maintaining his footing on our national colors (STRIKE THREE, FUCK-STICK!).
Don’t believe me? Take a look at this.
Sweet mother of Allah. Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot was he thinking?!
I’ve deduced three separate theories on the meaning behind his banner jig.
- 1) He’s a fuckin’ ass-clown and didn’t even realize why that might have been perceived as a societal faux pas. Very plausible, though not the only answer.
- 2) He’s a fuckin’ mouth breather and was blatantly trying to be disrespectful in a failed attempt at highbrow artistic speech. Just as likely as the previous one.
- 3) He had just intravenously injected some sizzurp into his bloodstream and was having one of his classic drank reactions. LOL!
Alright, back-back to the fuckin’ basics.
It’s not the first time an American musician has called into question the moral direction of our country. I get that part. Dissention via artistic expression, especially in music, is a popular and respected tradition in this country—especially within the past one hundred years. Cash did it with “Man in Black.” Public Enemy did it with “Fight the Power.” And Springsteen did it with “Born in the U.S.A”—which, I must mention, for you members of the yokel intelligentsia who want to blast that on your decaying pontoon boat this Fourth of July like it’s a follow-up track to “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” was a song about how the American people took a shit on Vietnam Veterans after the war. It’s not exactly the upbeat, patriotic ditty you think it is, Jim Bob.
Those are actually good songs with reasoned and timeless messages. Lil Wayne’s “God Bless Amerika,” on the other hand, is typical pop drivel aimed at the dregs of his core audience: oblivious teen suburbanites from Ohio and illiterate slum dwellers from the 17th Ward.
And for all of you naysayers who still maintain that Lil Drank’s message is somehow a deep and philosophical commentary on life in America, I offer you a few more insightful lyrics from his track:
“Shootin’ stars in my pocket / bitch, sit on my rocket…”
WHOOOOOAAAAA! That’s so profound, yo!
I totally get what he was saying with that. It was an observation about our Founding Fathers and their tenuous compromise during our earliest days, mixed with an explanation about emancipation and subsequent Jim Crowe Laws, eventually delving into the Zimmerman Telegram and America’s controversial entry into the First World War, and finally ending in the US’s little-known humanitarian mission in East Timor circa 1999.
Folks, in all reality, this song and Lil Wayne’s actions during his video shoot are a reflection of him as an American and an artist: shitty and substandard. If you have a gripe, make it rational and intelligent. I assure you, people will listen. Prancing around on our nation’s colors while simultaneously dropping “pussy” lyrics makes you look like an unoriginal asshat and a grade-A shitbag.
You want to talk about fighting the power? Stop this motherfucker in sales. Educate anyone you know who buys his music. Make a concerted effort to stop him at the bank. That’s when he will fade away into a lingering cesspool of other talentless hacks in this country.