Douche of the Week: Jesse Ventura
Editor’s note: With the recent news of Mr. Ventura’s lawsuit against Chris Kyle’s widow moving forward in court, we felt it necessary to republish this story (originally posted on June 4, 2013) because, well, he’s still a giant douche and we don’t want anyone to forget that.
By Mr. Twisted
“Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here.”
That classic line from the movie Predator stands out for many guys as being the quintessential Jesse Ventura—an actual Vet who made it to a big budget Hollywood movie without losing the ability to insult his fellow man like any seasoned enlisted man would. Men all around the country said, “hey, that guy is pretty bad ass!”
Then that guy went on to become governor of Minnesota, and a bunch of dudes all around the country said, “hey, you mean that guy from Predator is a governor? That’s bad ass!”
Unfortunately, that cool line from the mini-gun wielding character named Blaine was basically the only worthwhile thing that Jesse Ventura ever contributed to society.
Last week Ventura made headlines (something he’s clearly aching to do to find relevancy) by suing the wife of “American Sniper” Chris Kyle for the money she has profited from her deceased husband’s book.
And yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.
But we’ll get back to that in a minute.
The story that Ventura (real name: James George Janos) has always passed off about himself is that he was a SEAL in Vietnam. Other SEALs have claimed that this is not true, as Ventura was a UDT (Underwater Demolition Team) member, and declined the opportunity for SEAL training. Ventura has since claimed that he always told people he was a UDT member, but then made the statement that “today we refer to all of us as SEALs; that’s all it is.”
He served honorably in Vietnam, but has—as appears to be the case, at least—blurred the lines of truth as to what he actually was or did.
After leaving the Navy, Jesse “The Body” Ventura got into pro wrestling and made quite a name for himself doing lots of steroids, jumping off the high ropes, and fake-punching dudes in make-up for over ten years. He would later become a commentator for the World Wrestling Federation, giving play-by-play for other dudes in make-up bitch-slapping one another.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
At the end of his wrestling career, Ventura began transitioning into acting. After Predator and The Running Man, he went on to star in such classics as Thunderground, Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, and Tagteam—all of which were…something. Who knows?
In 1998, the politically-savvy Frogman used this ground-breaking technology known as “the internet” to capture enough grass-roots voters to become the governor of Minnesota, an office he held from 1999 to 2003. He decided not to run for reelection because, well, politics is hard, dammit!
But he didn’t rule out a run for the White House in the future. In 2008, ol’ Jesse spoke at a Ron Paul rally, organized by Campaign for Liberty. By the end of the event, both camps thought he was a complete joke.
In the last several years, Ventura has managed to capture a very small amount of spotlight for his television show Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura, on which he talks about the guy on the grassy knoll, FEMA death camps, and the dreaded Fifth Column (you know who you are!).
That all brings us to the beginning of 2012, when Chris Kyle, U.S. Navy SEAL, began promoting his book American Sniper, which profiles Chris and his tours in Iraq as a sniper. While on a radio show talking about the book, a caller asked Kyle if the rumor was true that he had knocked Ventura out in a bar fight. Kyle confirmed the story and said that Ventura had been loudly disrespectful at the wake of a fallen SEAL and had, after being asked to tone it down, told Kyle that SEALs “deserved to lose a few guys.” The knuckle sandwich followed and “the Body” crumpled.
Ventura has claimed that this story is false and that it never happened, and filed a defamation suit against Chris Kyle. Sadly, on February 2 of this year, Kyle was murdered at a shooting range.
But that hasn’t stopped Ventura, who has added Kyle’s widow to the lawsuit because he thinks that Kyle’s estate shouldn’t profit from the damage done to the former governor’s reputation.
Also, he is continuing the suit because he is a world-class douchebag who wants to secure a special place in hell.
What kind of low-life piece of garbage-sucking mongrel does one have to be to make this seem like a rational course of action?
Stop and consider something: let’s suppose, just for a moment, that Ventura is right in this story—that the knock-out never happened and that Kyle was lying. So what? Did Ventura’s already-weak book sales get even weaker? Did his meager audience of overgrown basement dwellers dwindle even further? Did it ruin his chances of being in Expendables 3?
Now stop and consider something else: what would Chris Kyle possibly have to gain by making the story up? The book was already destined to be a bestseller, he was a national hero, and Ventura was/is a washed up has-been. Telling a story about some loon who mouthed off in a bar and got smacked for it does not increase book sales or guarantee movie rights. There was no financial gain for Kyle in that regard.
Here are the facts: Ventura’s career in acting tanked long ago. He’s had more than one failed television show. He quit being governor after promising the world and…not delivering, mostly because he really didn’t understand how politics works. He has made rash claims about 9/11 and then changed his tune, and gone from one extreme to another—and back again—on his own religious beliefs within a fairly short period time, all while mocking those who don’t think the way he does (which is still unclear). In other words, “stalwart of consistency” is not a term you will hear associated with Jesse Ventura.
Kyle, on the other hand, was by all accounts a tremendous warrior who helped his brothers in arms. Overseas, he provided invaluable over-watch for his men by becoming a true force-multiplier. Upon his return—and after leaving the service—he continued to serve his comrades by creating a charity that aided wounded Veterans who were struggling to reintegrate into society.
Ventura, in filing a lawsuit against the Kyle estate, is announcing that he is not only a Heavyweight Champion of Douchebags, but also is intent on taking money away from pro-Veteran causes and charities (all for something that multiple eye witnesses say did in fact happen). FITCO Cares foundation, which was started by Kyle, helps U.S. war Vets who are having trouble on the home front. Additionally, Kyle stated before his death that proceeds from his book were being given mostly to families of those he was unable to save in combat.
I guess Ventura’s ever-glowing reputation as a steroid-abusing, irrational, leotard-wearing, failed politician is more important than those causes…
Oh, and this just in, The Body-Douche is floating rumors out now about running for President in 2016. I didn’t think this guy could get any more ridiculous, but here we are. It’s going to be tough to top this level of douchebaggery.