Douche of the Week: Grand Island Public Schools

By RU Contributor Jack Mandaville

I think we can all agree that Revenge of the Nerds was the greatest comedy in the history of American cinema. I was watching it the other night—for the millionth time—and was struck by a question posed by one of the characters. You know that scene when Poindexter is sitting on the couch with that Omega Mu who’s all over his nuts? He poses the question (with one of Booger’s wonder joints in his hand): Is it better to live in the ascendency or decline of a civilization? I actually found myself ruminating over this for a brief period of time.

Well, after doing some research (googling internet articles) for our current Douche of the Week, I have the answer. It’s better to live in an empire’s ascendency—because this particular douche in question has proven to me that, without a doubt, we’re already in our decline… and I fucking hate it.

Mother of Allah. Where the hell do I start?

Alright, for those of you who haven’t heard about the recent shit-storm concerning three year old Hunter Spanjer of Grand Island, NE, let me fill you in.

Hunter, who was born deaf, is at the heart of a controversy involving his parents and Grand Island Public Schools. According to the family, the school district wants young Hunter to change the way he signs his name because, get this, it makes his hands look like a weapon.

This coincides with Grand Island’s “Weapons in Schools” Board Policy 8470, which forbids “any instrument…that looks like a weapon.”

The way young Hunter signs his name is simple. It involves him crossing his index finger with his middle finger, wagging it up and down, and then yelling “BANG!”… No, I made that last part up.

Are these fucking clowns serious? The kid has been using this method to say his name since he was six months old. Now we’ve got public school administrators—administrators, not teachers—telling him and his family that his crossed middle and index fingers violate their weapons policy. Think about. This school district is impeding on this kid’s Second Amendment right to use his FUCKING HANDS!

And let me remind you that this sign is registered through S.E.E., or Signing Exact English—a recognized, yet less popular system than ASL. It’s not like his parents were saying, “Hey, Hunter, let me show you how to intimidate people at the bank.”

Jack Sheard, a spokesman for the school district, had this to say: “We are working with the parents to come to the best solution we can for the child.”

Thanks, Jack. I’m glad to know your district is trying to come to a bipartisan agreement with Hunter and his family. Lord knows how important it is for school officials to have input in how a child identifies his name. What’s next, are blind kids going to have to sheath their canes whenever they get around other children?

Let me hit you with some knowledge, people: The overwhelming majority of three year olds have no concept of armed violence. In fact, according to my father, the only things I was capable of doing with my hands as a child was throwing shit off the dinner table and grabbing my dick. I’d say little Hunter is pretty advanced for his age—or maybe I was really slow. Whatevs.

Look, I would absolutely love to take this opportunity to get on my high pedestal and go into a whole rant about the decline of common sense in this country, but I’ll spare you. However, I would like to say that this is one of the most douchetastic and retarderiffic things I’ve ever read regarding a public institution’s encroachment on the family.

Sheard and Grand Island Schools continue to remind us that they “want to do what is best for every student in our district.”

FAIL! The fact that you went there in the first place completely voids that statement.

Congrats, Grand Island Public Schools, you’ve managed to become another Douche of the Week in a week packed full of douches. I now banish you to Douchebagistan. While there, you will be forced to implement your ill-conceived weapons policies on trigger-happy rednecks looking to get bag them a bleeding-heart edumucated person.

What a bunch of NEEERDS!

 

 

11 Comments

1. 

   Antonio Aguilar

   August 31, 2012 at 11:50 am

   I’m a nerd and I think they are douchebags too. See, you even have the nerds on your side on this one!

   Reply
2. 

   Mr. Twisted

   August 31, 2012 at 12:16 pm

   When our country has become so wussified that it is terrified of 3-year old kids making “gun signs” with their hands, it’s a sign that the bad guys have won.

   And by bad guys, I mean everyone in America who can’t just RTFU and carry on with their day without making a law or rule about something they don’t like.

   Frack.

   Reply
3. 

   Dave in Texas

   September 5, 2012 at 8:15 am

   It shouldn’t be a suprise to anyone that some douchebags like this NE group would come up with some idiotic, inane, stupifying position on some non-issue like this one.

   BTW, can’t wait to get my “Douchebagistan” T-Shirt.

   Reply
4. 

   kingthing0307

   September 5, 2012 at 8:21 am

   Douche of the week is PERFECT!

   Reply
5. 

   LT Z

   September 5, 2012 at 8:41 am

   Great pick for the week. Unreal all the PC crap that folks find to occupy their time with.
   If they are that bored, go PRODUCE something beneficial for the country, not pull it apart.

   Reply
6. 

   Army Chick

   September 5, 2012 at 8:42 am

   Another reason I’m a firm believer too much money has been dumped into education. It’s been spent by creating over payed positions like administrators who haven’t a clue and have nothing better to do with their time. Maybe the money should be spent on more teachers, use a merit system, dump tenure and maybe, just maybe our children will start being taught. Fire the idiot who made the policy and the idiot enforcing the policy. Oh I mean douchebag! RTFU for the love of God!

   Reply
7. 

   Kari sue

   September 5, 2012 at 12:43 pm

   I know a better way to sign his name, 2 middle fingers pointing up! yep,this is just stupid. And you know all those douchebags in charge now are the ones who, tried to burn the school down ,flooded the gym,smoked pot in the bathrooms, ect..ect…. but i guess when you get a college degree and power, you can make any rules you want.

   Reply
8. 

   DEVIL ANSE

   September 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm

   I’M NOT REDNECK,THEM FELLARS LIVE UPTOWN IN THAT FANCY TRAILER PARK…. STUCK UP BASTERDS… I’M F’N HILLBILLY…SEND THAT SCHOOL SCUM ON DOWN TO MISS’SIPI…WE AINT GIVE OVER OUR CHUNK ‘MERICA..REKIN AD-MINITSTER BOY KIN SPELL DE-LIVERANCE ??? SQUEEEEELLL LIKE A PIG MR BIG-CITY FANCY SCHOOL MAN. DEVIL ANSE GOT SUMTHIN FER YOU…COOOOOOME ON DOWN… YOURE THE NEXT CUNT-TESTANT ON “PLEASE GOD JUST LET ME DIE”….SEE YA LATER SCHOOL MAN…DOUCHEBUCKET..

   Reply
9. 

   Nate

   September 15, 2012 at 5:05 pm

   Love it. Anyone that tries to take away a child’s ability to sign his name in an approved method that is EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE needs to pull their heads out of their asses. I’m a grad student in education and goddamnit, this is the shit I’m trying to fix. You’ve got about 1900 other shitty things on your plate to deal with before you sit around attempting to use your hands to conjugate a non-offensive method of sign-language, guys, so suck it up and fix that other crap.

   Reply
10. 

    YETI

    September 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

    “In fact, according to my father, the only things I was capable of doing with my hands as a child was throwing shit off the dinner table and grabbing my dick. I’d say little Hunter is pretty advanced for his age—or maybe I was really slow. Whatevs.”

    …AWESOME

    Reply
11. 

    Whitey

    October 2, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Being from NE I wasn’t happy to hear that the PC police have been slowly taking over the schools there. ACLU have been trying to build a midwest headquarters there and they keep getting denied. From what my dad told me, not just the community but majority of NE rallied against the administration and they overturned their original ruling.

    Great pick for douchebag of the week.

    Reply