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Douche of the Week: Grand Island Public Schools
By RU Contributor Jack Mandaville
I think we can all agree that Revenge of the Nerds was the greatest comedy in the history of American cinema. I was watching it the other night—for the millionth time—and was struck by a question posed by one of the characters. You know that scene when Poindexter is sitting on the couch with that Omega Mu who’s all over his nuts? He poses the question (with one of Booger’s wonder joints in his hand): Is it better to live in the ascendency or decline of a civilization? I actually found myself ruminating over this for a brief period of time.
Well, after doing some research (googling internet articles) for our current Douche of the Week, I have the answer. It’s better to live in an empire’s ascendency—because this particular douche in question has proven to me that, without a doubt, we’re already in our decline… and I fucking hate it.
Mother of Allah. Where the hell do I start?
Hunter, who was born deaf, is at the heart of a controversy involving his parents and Grand Island Public Schools. According to the family, the school district wants young Hunter to change the way he signs his name because, get this, it makes his hands look like a weapon.
This coincides with Grand Island’s “Weapons in Schools” Board Policy 8470, which forbids “any instrument…that looks like a weapon.”
The way young Hunter signs his name is simple. It involves him crossing his index finger with his middle finger, wagging it up and down, and then yelling “BANG!”… No, I made that last part up.
Are these fucking clowns serious? The kid has been using this method to say his name since he was six months old. Now we’ve got public school administrators—administrators, not teachers—telling him and his family that his crossed middle and index fingers violate their weapons policy. Think about. This school district is impeding on this kid’s Second Amendment right to use his FUCKING HANDS!
And let me remind you that this sign is registered through S.E.E., or Signing Exact English—a recognized, yet less popular system than ASL. It’s not like his parents were saying, “Hey, Hunter, let me show you how to intimidate people at the bank.”
Jack Sheard, a spokesman for the school district, had this to say: “We are working with the parents to come to the best solution we can for the child.”
Thanks, Jack. I’m glad to know your district is trying to come to a bipartisan agreement with Hunter and his family. Lord knows how important it is for school officials to have input in how a child identifies his name. What’s next, are blind kids going to have to sheath their canes whenever they get around other children?
Let me hit you with some knowledge, people: The overwhelming majority of three year olds have no concept of armed violence. In fact, according to my father, the only things I was capable of doing with my hands as a child was throwing shit off the dinner table and grabbing my dick. I’d say little Hunter is pretty advanced for his age—or maybe I was really slow. Whatevs.
Look, I would absolutely love to take this opportunity to get on my high pedestal and go into a whole rant about the decline of common sense in this country, but I’ll spare you. However, I would like to say that this is one of the most douchetastic and retarderiffic things I’ve ever read regarding a public institution’s encroachment on the family.
Sheard and Grand Island Schools continue to remind us that they “want to do what is best for every student in our district.”
FAIL! The fact that you went there in the first place completely voids that statement.
Congrats, Grand Island Public Schools, you’ve managed to become another Douche of the Week in a week packed full of douches. I now banish you to Douchebagistan. While there, you will be forced to implement your ill-conceived weapons policies on trigger-happy rednecks looking to get bag them a bleeding-heart edumucated person.
What a bunch of NEEERDS!