Douche of the Week: Dennis Kucinich

Updated: May 16, 2008

kucinichdowSeptember 24th, 2007

This week, we salute Democratic Ohio Congressman (and Presidential hopeful) Dennis Kucinich for his titillating tour of the Middle East. Apparently, Mr. Kucinich thought himself just too darn important to stick to his President’s policy of avoiding direct talks with the oligarchic Syrian government; nay, the solidarity of the American administration must be sacrificed to Mr. Kucinich’s politcal ambitions. During this visit, he made it a point to stop by Syria and have a little one-on-one time with Syrian President Bashar Assad, a prolific sponsor of terror and sworn enemy of the United States.

Mr. Bashar quickly realized that someone as intellecually childish as Mr. Kucinich could be pretty useful as an anti-US propoganda tool, so he threw him on state-owned Syrian National TV. It turned out to be a great move, as the Congressman could hardly have been more gushing in his support for the Syrian regime. Here’s a few of his oratory gems for the kids at home:

“It was a meeting where His Excellency, President Assad, showed a real desire to play a role in helping to create a peaceful settlement of the conditions in Iraq…So it was a very important meeting, and I felt honored to have the chance to speak with him.”

“…the United States must end the occupation, close the bases, bring the troops home, but we must have a parallel political process that reaches out to the international community, with the help of Syria and Iran, that would bring an international peace-keeping force, move it in as our troops leave, so there is no vacuum.”

“…not only must we stabilize Iraq, but we also must pay reparations to the people of Iraq for the great human tragedy that has been caused.”

“We need to see that there is honest reconstruction in Iraq, no Halliburton dishonest cheating of the people of Iraq…I want my country to be loved by the world.”

“I’ll tell you, His Excellency, President Assad, today, indicated a very strong interest in playing a role to help bring about stability in Iraq…”


“Syria is one of the few countries in the world who has opened its arms to the Iraqi refugees…It is an extraordinary gesture on the part of the Syrian government…it also shows that here is a man, President Assad, who should be respected and appreciated for the role that he has played.”

Instead of spending his time helping hostile foreign regimes spread anti-American propaganda, maybe Mr. Kucinich should be brushing up on his poetic devices. Might I suggest learning the definition of “Irony”? Allow me to explain:

1) Mr. Kucinich, who has never served in the military, loves to run around bashing his country for its “illegal occupation of Iraq”, but he doesn’t even have the guts to stop by the country to actually verify his claims. His reason? “I feel the United States is engaging in an illegal occupation … I don’t want to bless that occupation with my presence.”

Alright, Dennis, you got us there – I’m sure all the US military members there are crying their eyes out since they got the news that you wouldn’t be stopping by to degrade their service. We’re even willing to overlook the fact that by using the word “bless” you imply that your presence has some sort of holy connotation…

2) Mr. Kucinich seems to have forgotten that Syria occupied Lebanon from 1976-2005 – almost 30 years. The Syrian military forcibly occupied the whole of Lebanon for a generation, despite Lebanon’s repeated requests that Syrian forces leave their country, and in complete defiance UN Security Council Resolution 520 in 1982, which demanded a complete Syrian withdrawal from Lebanon. So much for playing the peaceful, multilateralist card…

3) Mr. Kucinich praised the Syrian regime’s contributions to regional stability. This is a stunning feat, given that “His Excellency” has been doing just about everything in his power to create as much chaos as possible – including openly harboring terrorists and assassinating former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri in 2005. To be fair, when questioned about his actions, Assad responded with “My bad, dude – I guess that was kinda messed up. I’ll try not to do it again”.

4) Mr. Kucinich talks about how he advocates “an even-handed approach in the region”, while traveling through the Middle East on the dime of radical pressure groups like “The Arab American Community Center for Economic and Social Services in Ohio (AACCESS-Ohio)”. This congressman knows he’s gotta toe the Syrian line…or he’s not gonna have a flight out of that little sandbox back to his congressional office in the terrible, fascist US.

While Mr. Kucinich is not undermining US interests for his own political gain, praising an openly hostile regime whose leader is a sworn enemy of the US, trying to spend your tax dollars on “reparations” to the Iraqi people (no, we’re not kidding), suggesting that we need to have a joint Syrian-Iranian military force assume responsibility for security in Iraq (they’ll be fair, open, and honest, just like with their own people), or openly hoping that American power declines to the point where we can FINALLY be “loved by the world,” he’s making a complete fool of himself in just about every other region in the world. Some more fun Kucinich facts:

1) Mr. Kucinich signed a “Letter of Solidarity” with Hugo Chavez, the virulently anti-American socialist president of Venezuela, in 2004.

2) Mr. Kucinich is one of only two congressional representatives who voted against the Rothman-Kirk Resolution, which calls on the United Nations to charge Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with violating the genocide convention of the United Nations Charter based on statements that he has made. Kucinich claims that we do not fully understand the nuances of the Persian language, asserting that something must be lost in translation. Ahmadinejad has publicly called for the “elimination of the Zionist regime” on many occasions. Little known fact, the Persian words for “elimination of” sounds a lot like “embrace with big hugs and kisses”. Thanks for pointing out that ambiguity, Dennis.

3) Mr. Kucinich is the only congressional representative to vote against the symbolic “9/11 Commemoration” resolution.

4) Mr. Kucinich is…uhh…“spiritual”: “I am running for President of the United States to enable the Goddess of Peace to encircle within her arms all the children of this country and all the children of the world.”

Dennis Kucinich, welcome to Douchebagistan.

Copyright of Brad



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