By Jack Mandaville I want to make a few of my...
Douche of the Week: Craig Pusley
By RU Contributor Jack Mandaville
It seems like I can’t go one day without a seeing a new “(insert Soldier, Marine, Airman, or Sailor here)_____ surprises (insert family member here)______ after deployment to (insert shithole country here)______” video or article on the internet. Look, I know I’m going to sound like a wretched bastard for saying it, but I have to say it: those videos haven’t brought me any joy in, like, five years. It’s the same thing every video—like watching thousands of different movies with the exact same plot: family member is idly standing in complete oblivion, guy in uniform walks in, family member goes through shock then becomes delighted, they embrace and cry, whoever organized the reunion tosses them a $25 gift card to Applebee’s, the video goes viral and makes the front of CNN.com for a few days. BAM!
Alright, I’m a miserable asshole… I’ll admit it. I do, however, understand why these videos are so popular. Stories involving our troops tug at the very core of our emotions. How can they not? For the last decade, thousands of American Servicemembers have deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan (or both) and, during that time, have sacrificed their bodies, personal relationships, and time. These two wars have been an extremely tiring endeavor for everyone involved. That’s why the American people are drawn to these feel good stories. We need this stuff.
It should go without saying that whenever you have something as big as a decade-long conflict wrenching at a nation’s collective psyche, you’re also going to have plenty of dipshits slipping in to take advantage of peoples’ emotions.
Here’s a brief list of some of the top-tier assholes who have manipulated the American public with their false stories:
• Tim Poe – A cock-knocker who went on America’s Got Talent and duped the American people with a bullshit story of how he stuttered as a result of being wounded in Afghanistan. He went for the homerun of manipulative heart-tugging when he added that his stutter went away when he sang.
• Senator John Kerry (Our future Sec. of State) – I have neither the time nor the inclination to sift through the overwhelming amount of bullshit that has come out of this guy’s mouth regarding his service in Vietnam. I do know one thing, though: the majority of people who served with or around him during Vietnam came out and said that he is full of shit. (See: Swift Boat Veterans for Truth) And on a side note, one of the few people who defended his claims during his 2004 presidential campaign, Wade Sanders, was recently imprisoned after a child pornography conviction. Hooray for having friends!
• Jesse Macbeth – Most of you probably haven’t heard of this guy, but trust me, he is a god among douches. Homeboy never made it through Army basic training. So what does he do? He joins Iraq Veterans Against the War, tells everyone he was a decorated Army Ranger, and goes to a bunch of news outlets and claims that he and other Rangers slaughtered women and children while they were in Iraq. Peter fuckin’ Pan has a better grip on reality than this shit-stain. Anywho, the dude got outed pretty quickly and did some time in jail. But what most people don’t know about this saga is that his bullshit lies were translated into Arabic and spread around the Muslim world as jihadist propaganda. (Most of those folks never got the memo about his BS.) Nobody will ever know what his claims did to increase terrorist support and attacks.
But none of these aforementioned ass-hats will ever hold a candle to our latest Douche of the Week, Craig Pusley.
In the aftermath of the tragic school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, Americans have been searching for both hope and answers. Before the victims of this heartbreaking incident could even be buried, the ongoing—and often mind-numbing—gun control debate has taken center stage. For most of us, we’re still trying wrap our heads around the abhorrent actions of one individual and wait for the facts to come out.
Well, folks, have no fear… CRAIG PUSLEY IS HERE!
On Wednesday, December 19th of 2012, Craig threw on his Marine Corps desert fatigues, laced his combat boots, tossed on that old eight-point cover, and made his way to Hughson Elementary School in Modesto, CA to, get this, stand as an unarmed guard for all the kids at the school.
Now remember, people, I’m a pessimistic dickhead, so I’m not going to hold back the fact that the first words out of my mouth when I saw him doing this were, “What a douche.”
Contrary to everything Hollywood and legend has told us, an unarmed United States Marine—no matter how trained in MCMAP (the Marine Corps’ super ninja training regimen) he or she may be—is not properly equipped to singlehandedly combat a fucking nut job with an assault rifle and body armor. Not gonna happen.
This move by Pusley was purely for symbolic purposes—an overly romantic gesture to tug at the hearts of a nation trying to find answers after a violent act on the opposite side of the country. As far as I’m concerned, Pusley had already stepped into douche country. But dressing up in your uniform and parading yourself around like you’re the savior of Gotham isn’t necessarily immediate grounds to make the coveted Rhino Den douche list. Negative!
Here’s where things get interesting.
So a local news organization, The Modesto Bee, shows up to interview Pusley.
His claims: He’s a twenty-eight year old, unemployed sergeant in the Marine Corps Reserves who has deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan.
Within twenty-four hours of his statement, the truth came out.
The reality (first reported by Business Insider on December 20th): He’s twenty-five years old, has never served overseas, was discharged in 2008 as a PFC for unauthorized absence after being in the Marine Corps less than a year, and is a world-class fucktard for having made the previous claims. (That last part was first reported by the Rhino Den, today.)
DING, DING, DING, DING, DING! We have a no shit, genuine douche, folks!
Of course, right after his lies were revealed, Pusley is claiming that this has all been a big misunderstanding. Right… I always accidentally put on a uniform I haven’t worn in years, bump myself up three pay grades from the rank I was discharged as, and proceed to make wild claims about my service to news outlets. It happens to the best of us, Craig.
Here’s what Pusley had to say to Marine Corps Times reporter, Dan Lamothe:
“I feel horrible about this. My intention was for the kids. I don’t understand why everyone has to find a negative in every situation.”
Are. You. Fucking. KIDDING ME?!
It’s because you lied to the American public, made real Marines look like assholes, and were a strange man hanging out in front of a school full of children. Not only that, you swept in to play hero-boy and gained cheap, unearned attention right after one of the most horrific massacres in the history of our country. That’s why we’ve found a negative!
Congratulations, Craig, you’re our latest Douche of the Week.
Have fun in Douchebagistan, pal. While there, you’ll be forced to stand guard—your back exposed and all—to a large mass of anus-hungry convicts from some of the most violent prisons in America. Have fun, hero.