Douche of the Week: Cmdr. Michael Ward II

Updated: August 14, 2012

By RU Contributor Mad Medic

Well Ranger Up fans, it’s that time again. I know you’ve all been jonesing for your fix of Douche of the Week, and today I’ve got one hell of a douche for you.  This douche comes from the Navy; more specifically the Silent Service (Submarines for you ground pounders out there).  Obviously I’ll skip over most of the prerequisite jokes about going down with a hundred men and coming up with fifty couples, or being in a long metal tube full of Seamen.  Today’s douche has really out done himself with a lack of testicular fortitude, or testicles period, that would do Tim Poe proud.

To really understand just how jacked up this douchebag is, you need to understand something about submarine officers.  They are the ballsiest geeks you will ever meet, and have to be sneaky bastards to boot.  Leaving aside the big brass ones it takes to actually get into a steel can and dive to a depth where the pressure can crush the whole thing like yesterday’s beer cans, you have all sorts of missions which are so dangerous and secret that you can’t talk about them for decades afterwards.  We’re talking taking pictures of enemy ports from inside these ports.

To become a CO of a Fast Attack (Hunter/Killer) submarine you need equal parts geek, because it’s a complex machine you’re driving, balls, because you’re hunting other subs/ships, and sneakiness (this part should be self-evident). Commander Michael Ward II apparently had an overabundance of sneakiness, and perhaps a bit too much geekiness, but appears to be a real Nancy-no-balls.

See, douchebag is 43, married with kids, had just been named CO of the USS Pittsburgh (SSN-720), and all seemed to be going well for him.  Except for one small problem.  He was banging a 23 year old woman who was not his wife.  It gets better – apparently he had met her on an online dating site (see: geek) and had told her he was separated, and worked in “Special Ops.”

Can you see where this is headed?  No, he didn’t say he was a SEAL or Super Ranger or any of that stuff, but he probably hinted at some secret squirrel missions.  To be clear, submarines often do special missions that fall into the Special Operations category, so what he said was technically true, but the way he played it off was shady as shit (See: sneaky).  He apparently fell deeply, madly in love with this woman, and sent all sorts of gushy text messages to her, until he realized that, hey, someone might check to see the Commanding Officer of a sub is still married.

At this point his balls failed him entirely and probably turned to dust and evaporated.  He sent an e-mail posing as “Bob,” some anonymous jerkwad, who worked with Cdr Ward, regretting to inform her that her wonderful secret squirrel boy toy had been killed, and that he “loved her very much.”  I’m sure the poor woman was shocked and very sad.  She probably felt pretty bad about the affair, and, trying to do the right thing, or get some closure, went by his old house to offer her condolences.  Low and behold, the new house’s owners said he hadn’t died at all – he’d just moved.  The woman did the right thing and turned all this (including text messages and e-mails) over to NCIS.  OOPS.   It’s safe to say that Cdr Ward’s career is. . . sunk.

Now I could blast him for sticking his torpedo into the wrong tube – cheating on your wife is a no no, regardless of how hot the other woman is – but really this dude needs two pills of Man the Fuck UP!  We all make mistakes, but what separates the Men from the Dickless is that they own up when they fuck up.  Lord knows, I’ve made mistakes, and just looking at the e-mails from other Rhino Den writers, they’ve got some doozies to tell, as well.  Every guy I know has had at some point stalkers, one night stands that we regret, or relationships where we ask “why the f**k did I do that?”  I myself had a stalker that called my chain of command, after I tried to strongly hint that I wasn’t interested.  When she started showing up at my barracks, after I flat out told her that she and I were a No-Go, I might’ve gotten a little desperate, and had a buddy tell her I got PCS’d, but seriously unless the woman Cdr Ward was seeing was rolling in crazy sauce, there was no reason to fake a death, let alone in such a manner so lame as and e-mail from “Bob.”

Numb-nuts might actually set a record for shortest command stint in the Silent Service, and really good riddance.  If you can’t do a simple thing like admit a mistake in a personal matter you really don’t have any business commanding a Los Angeles class fast attack submarine.  In fact you should probably be scrubbing latrines (sorry, heads) until they can find a less pleasant assignment for you.

Commander Ward, you have a clear case of Empty Scrotum Syndrome.  Thankfully ESS is treatable so I’m prescribing you a dose of Man the Fuck Up, and putting in a consult to get some new testicles.  You appear to be full of horseshit, so I‘m also putting in a consult with proctology, and recommending you add more Moral Fiber to your diet.  By the way, Sir, you might want to get these appointments in before you get booted out on your ass where you belong.

-Mad Medic Out




  1. Drew Z.

    August 14, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Color me optimistic, but if the worst you could come up with is a moron who cheated on his wife and then lied to his mistriss to get out of it, then it is a pretty decent day…

    • Stu

      August 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

      agreed. This one was pretty weak.

  2. Paul

    August 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Was thinking the same thing Drew…

  3. Smokey Behr

    August 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

    He should just hand over his balls and his Man Card now, and get it over with. He’s too much of a pussy to tell his old lady or his new lady the truth. I hope he does the right thing and fade away without too much of a fuss.

  4. John

    August 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

    When I first read about this I thought I was reading the DUFFEL BLOG

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