By Jack Mandaville I want to make a few of my...
Counseling Statements by RU Nick
Ranger Up militia member Elias D. sent us a bunch of counseling statements that his group of NCOs and LTs has actually written to their superiors, usually while deployed. We thought they were hilarious and added a few of our own at the bottom.
Elias’s Clan’s Counseling Statements:
- I understand it is completely inappropriate to accuse our British allies in the Royal Marines of not hosting a pick-up rugby game because, “they don’t have any balls.”
- I will not argue with the newly- arrived only female on the FOB, who is an MP officer, that piss- tubes are completely appropriate & “a normal part of the deployment experience.”
- I will also warn newly arrived male second lieutenants that “the tubes can be quite hot at 1500 on a desert afternoon,” instead of waiting for the hilarious “howl of excruciating learning.”
- I will not conduct a “Counter- Complacency Program” on higher’s FOB
- Especially involving a mercury switch, an artillery simulator, and a port-a-let, as the spilling of blue water constitutes a serious environmental threat…
- And throwing in a pair of ear plugs through the vent does not constitute “adequate risk mitigation” for my victim.
- I will not sleep through inbound rockets landing 2K away and not report my status because “usually the Taliban can’t shoot anyway.”
- I will attempt to convince REMFs scurrying around Major FOBs that the big loud boom really is actually OUTGOING artillery fire, instead of letting them all scream and run for cover away from the line so I get my food at Burger King quicker.
- I will not use a CG10B to secure anyone in their CHU and then threaten to “spray Iraqi bug killer in the air conditioner until you die.”
- I understand that the US army did not go to velcro name tapes for my personal amusement, so swapping out higher officer’s body armor with derogatory names and then running a pool on how long it will take them to notice is completely unprofessional, undermines the chain of command, and destroys discipline.
- I understand that using incoming indirect fire’s effect of emptying the chow hall of all personnel as an occasion to loot the baskin- robbins cart of several entire tubs of ice cream for the platoon does not count as “coordinating fire support assets into a daring maneuver plan to seize a high value target of opportunity.” and should not be added to my OER support form.
- It also does not qualify one for a coin with V device, even if such an award existed, so submitting the required forms to the S-1 is a pointless waste of military time.
- I will not encourage a newly former Iraqi Army EOD team to execute any plan they come up with that involves the words “Leatherman” and “En sh’Allah”. Especially in the vicinity of US Soldiers.
- I will also not run a betting pool on their success rate and consider the number of casualties required to “cover the spread.”
- I fully agree that the appropriate answer to a First Sergeant is never, “What are they going to do, shave my head and send me to Iraq, again?” Even if he laughs his @$$ off…
- I will not roll into a village dressed in MOPP4, pop smoke grenades, and cue the PSYOP truck to play “let the bodies hit the floor.”
- Or anything else off my Ipod under the playlist titled “Angry Deployment Music”
Ranger Up Crew (verbal to superiors):
- Yes, ma’am, I realize it is not my place to correct your soldier for having her magazine in her weapon backwards, and perhaps I should not have raised my voice to the degree that I did, but to put it in perspective, it’s not like I’m one of those asshats having sex on top of the Milvans. (Nick to MI Captain who was screwing an SF major on a Milvan the night before and didn’t realize we all knew it)
Ranger Up Crew (verbal from superiors):
- Palmisciano, personally I fucking hate you, but you’re my best platoon leader, so I am one blocking you. Now get the fuck out of my office. – Nick’s shortest and favorite counseling session ever.
- At what fucking point did it occur to you that it was a good idea to abandon your mortar tubes during the CMTC live fire so that your platoon could catch frogs in the pond?
- Cadet Palmisciano, that was the most homoerotic play I have ever seen – The Brigade Tactical Officer after West Point’s 100th Night Show, Nick’s first and last foray into producing a play
- Cadet Palmisciano, I will get you for this…maybe not today…maybe not tomorrow…but I will get you – General Abizaid after West Point’s 100th Night Show, Nick’s first and last foray into producing a play
- Palmisciano, it is not appropriate to call your Company Commander “Blade” even if he did buy a ridiculous floor length leather jacket which he wears everywhere.
- It is also not appropriate to call him Captain Blade or Sir Blade, even though you are using his proper military title, and it is definitely not okay to tell new soldiers that Blade is his real name.
- Nick, it is not appropriate to call the Brigade XO a “dick”. It is certainly not appropriate to do so in song at a dining in.
- Nick, I’m not sure why the mortar platoon showed up for the Task Force ten-miler in costume, but regardless of your platoon’s performance, no one wants to see infantryman in women’s clothing or lycra!
- Nick and Adam, in what retarded fucking world do you live in where you think it is acceptable to pretend to the Roma Gypsies for your own personal amusement that Nick’s home video camera is being beamed directly to President Clinton!?!
- Nick, first of all why do you know all the lyrics to the cheer from Bring it On? Second, and most importantly, why did you think it was appropriate to teach your whole platoon the song and choreography from that film and perform it at a serious Task Force event!?!
- Tommy Batboy, you’re a smart ass, but better a smart ass than a dumb ass.
-Captain Crigger. If you ever put those fairy handlebar decorations on my Harley Davidson again, I will personally sew them to the sides of your head so you look like Pippy Fucking Longstocking.
-Ranger Crigger, although it may be true, at no point does the Ranger Creed say, “Rangers Need a Lay.”