UPDATE!
Congrats to the winners:
LT OBES
DH
RICK
The winners have been contacted by email. Make sure to check out our Blue Falcon Contest for another chance to win some FREE RU GEAR!
Add your real life counseling statements to the bottom! The best three statements will get a free Ranger Up t-shirt! Contest ends 5 October 2009!
Ranger Up militia member Elias D. sent us a bunch of counseling statements that his group of NCOs and LTs has actually written to their superiors, usually while deployed. We thought they were hilarious and added a few of our own at the bottom.
Elias’s Clan’s Counseling Statements:
- I understand it is completely inappropriate to accuse our British allies in the Royal Marines of not hosting a pick-up rugby game because, “they don’t have any balls.”
- I will not argue with the newly- arrived only female on the FOB, who is an MP officer, that piss- tubes are completely appropriate & “a normal part of the deployment experience.”
- I will also warn newly arrived male second lieutenants that “the tubes can be quite hot at 1500 on a desert afternoon,” instead of waiting for the hilarious “howl of excruciating learning.”
- I will not conduct a “Counter- Complacency Program” on higher’s FOB
- Especially involving a mercury switch, an artillery simulator, and a port-a-let, as the spilling of blue water constitutes a serious environmental threat…
- And throwing in a pair of ear plugs through the vent does not constitute “adequate risk mitigation” for my victim.
- I will not sleep through inbound rockets landing 2K away and not report my status because “usually the Taliban can’t shoot anyway.”
- I will attempt to convince REMFs scurrying around Major FOBs that the big loud boom really is actually OUTGOING artillery fire, instead of letting them all scream and run for cover away from the line so I get my food at Burger King quicker.
- I will not use a CG10B to secure anyone in their CHU and then threaten to “spray Iraqi bug killer in the air conditioner until you die.”
- I understand that the US army did not go to velcro name tapes for my personal amusement, so swapping out higher officer’s body armor with derogatory names and then running a pool on how long it will take them to notice is completely unprofessional, undermines the chain of command, and destroys discipline.
- I understand that using incoming indirect fire’s effect of emptying the chow hall of all personnel as an occasion to loot the baskin- robbins cart of several entire tubs of ice cream for the platoon does not count as “coordinating fire support assets into a daring maneuver plan to seize a high value target of opportunity.” and should not be added to my OER support form.
- It also does not qualify one for a coin with V device, even if such an award existed, so submitting the required forms to the S-1 is a pointless waste of military time.
- I will not encourage a newly former Iraqi Army EOD team to execute any plan they come up with that involves the words “Leatherman” and “En sh’Allah”. Especially in the vicinity of US Soldiers.
- I will also not run a betting pool on their success rate and consider the number of casualties required to “cover the spread.”
- I fully agree that the appropriate answer to a First Sergeant is never, “What are they going to do, shave my head and send me to Iraq, again?” Even if he laughs his @$$ off…
- I will not roll into a village dressed in MOPP4, pop smoke grenades, and cue the PSYOP truck to play “let the bodies hit the floor.”
- Or anything else off my Ipod under the playlist titled “Angry Deployment Music”
Ranger Up Crew (verbal to superiors):
- Yes, ma’am, I realize it is not my place to correct your soldier for having her magazine in her weapon backwards, and perhaps I should not have raised my voice to the degree that I did, but to put it in perspective, it’s not like I’m one of those asshats having sex on top of the Milvans. (Nick to MI Captain who was screwing an SF major on a Milvan the night before and didn’t realize we all knew it)
Ranger Up Crew (verbal from superiors):
- Palmisciano, personally I fucking hate you, but you’re my best platoon leader, so I am one blocking you. Now get the fuck out of my office. – Nick’s shortest and favorite counseling session ever.
- At what fucking point did it occur to you that it was a good idea to abandon your mortar tubes during the CMTC live fire so that your platoon could catch frogs in the pond?
- Cadet Palmisciano, that was the most homoerotic play I have ever seen – The Brigade Tactical Officer after West Point’s 100th Night Show, Nick’s first and last foray into producing a play
- Cadet Palmisciano, I will get you for this…maybe not today…maybe not tomorrow…but I will get you – General Abizaid after West Point’s 100th Night Show, Nick’s first and last foray into producing a play
- Palmisciano, it is not appropriate to call your Company Commander “Blade” even if he did buy a ridiculous floor length leather jacket which he wears everywhere.
- It is also not appropriate to call him Captain Blade or Sir Blade, even though you are using his proper military title, and it is definitely not okay to tell new soldiers that Blade is his real name.
- Nick, it is not appropriate to call the Brigade XO a “dick”. It is certainly not appropriate to do so in song at a dining in.
- Nick, I’m not sure why the mortar platoon showed up for the Task Force ten-miler in costume, but regardless of your platoon’s performance, no one wants to see infantryman in women’s clothing or lycra!
- Nick and Adam, in what retarded fucking world do you live in where you think it is acceptable to pretend to the Roma Gypsies for your own personal amusement that Nick’s home video camera is being beamed directly to President Clinton!?!
- Nick, first of all why do you know all the lyrics to the cheer from Bring it On? Second, and most importantly, why did you think it was appropriate to teach your whole platoon the song and choreography from that film and perform it at a serious Task Force event!?!
- Tommy Batboy, you’re a smart ass, but better a smart ass than a dumb ass.
-Captain Crigger. If you ever put those fairy handlebar decorations on my Harley Davidson again, I will personally sew them to the sides of your head so you look like Pippy Fucking Longstocking.
-Ranger Crigger, although it may be true, at no point does the Ranger Creed say, “Rangers Need a Lay.”
September 29th, 2009 at 7:21 am
- I will not refer to the CPTs rank as “1LT, second award”.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:21 am
For our squad peer evals in IOBC, I gave only this sustain for one of our Lebanese “friends”: “LT Sabid exhales carbon dioxide, which enables plants to conduct photosynthesis.”
September 29th, 2009 at 11:29 am
After I got the platoon sergeants together to write a memo to the Battalion CDR about our commander destroying unit moral with her incompetence, I was called to stand at attention at her desk:
CDR: SSG Grisham, you may think I’m responsible for the low morale, but YOU are the reason this company is going down a deep, dark hole. Not me.
I wanted to laugh when she said “deep, dark hole.”
September 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am
-I will not tell my XO “I told you so” while getting engaged by the enemy when he put his magazine in his weapon backwards before leaving the FOB.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I will not get into a screaming match with the medical interns in the middle of the ER, and it is highly inappropriate and unprofessional for me, as a nurse and an officer to say, “Please get your snotty-nose-incompetent-just-graduated-from-medical-school hands off my patient before you kill them,” in front of patients and their family members. I will not do that again Sir, unless I am right and they really are trying to kill my patient…
September 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
-I will drive not KBR suv’s around BIAP mud ridding no matter if my southern heritage has been challenged or not
September 29th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
No matter how funny it is. We will not use the Riot control OC Spray to empty out teh female showers when the hot medics are in there. Even if the BDE CDR has his camera ready.
September 29th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
No matter how funny it is. We will not use the Riot control OC Spray to empty out the female showers when the hot medics are in there. Even if the BDE CDR has his camera ready.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Under no circumstances will I replace the contico of medical supplies with slim jims, Gatorade, and dip
September 30th, 2009 at 2:10 am
-I will not allow my Troops to give bottles of Summer’s Eve to the honeywagon crew when they demand to be given Gatorade and chips if we want our port-o-lets cleaned, even though we know they cannot read or speak English. (verbal)
September 30th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Even if it is a training warhead, I will not check the torque with my pocketsized multitool.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I will not tell the German citizens that the only thing keeping the warheads from exploding is the AC unit on the trunk.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I will not threaten the German citizen excercising his right of free speech with QUOTE: “I’ll run your nazi, krauteating ass over if you don’t get out of my way.” END QUOTE.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:07 am
I will not call my fellow Battery Commander “Hollywood” in front of my troops, even if he does wear; “Faggy assed wraparound sunglasses.”
September 30th, 2009 at 10:01 am
From the CO at E-1-1
“You will not challenge your drill Sargeant to a push-up contest, win and get away without retribution from me, your commanding officer.”
(He dropped me, again for saying, “But sir, the DI said I was a failure, so I told her that I could match her push-ups and she lost. Shouldn’t you be getting her some remedial PT? It just doesn’t look good to the rest of us.)
I got two desserts that night. Heh. But I couldn’t eee-ven unbutton my BDU’s for bed that night.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:36 am
“Please do not yell at the general again he does not respond well to that. Just keep doing what you are doing and let me take the HEAT rounds. But please next time he “not getting it” do not yell at him and argue with him, just take a deep breath and say yes sir”
September 30th, 2009 at 10:46 am
“I know you guys are combat vets and have a dark and morbid sense of humor that others may not get or find amusing especially considering you kidnapped another teams Christmas tree and then made a hostage video with it. You think its funny now just wait till you get older and start having flash backs and nightmares. Now how about taking that creativity and applying it to your jobs”
September 30th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Company commander “Sergeant XXXXX go check out the motor pool” “Yes sir”
Unit is doing motor stables so I know full well what the Capt wanted to do but being in a mood and seeing he has a sense of humor that morning I come right back. “Sergeant XXXXX I thought I told you to go check the motor pool?” “I did sir and I am happy to report it is still there.” He laughed, I did pushups and then went and PMCSed my vehicle.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
“Pierce you need to get your priorities straight. You will have time for combatives when you get to the army. Right now you need to focus on things like our company store, because when you’re a PL you will have a platoon fridge that will need to be stocked…and when you become a company commander you will have a company fridge that will also need to be restocked. Who matters more the guys you are teaching combatives to or the company store?”
-My TAC NCO counseling me last friday before giving me a company board, 7 hours, and 30 days loss of privileges for teaching combatives to cadets instead of making “that cadet that wants a soda late at night” can have it.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I will not become so intoxicated that I feel the need to remove all my clothing and attempt to access the post naked, with only socks on.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:43 pm
This email is to remind whoever replaced the motivational posters with demotivators that such actions constitute damage and/or theft of government property. Please return said motivational posters ASAP.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Verbal counseling, as told to me by our old BN Master Gunner:
the platoon idiot at Marine boot camp had done something stooopid before the morning formation, dunno ‘zactly what – tied his boots together or something – and the DI is giving him a serious dressing down. After reducing him to tears, the DI moves off to inspect the next trainee in line, when he stops, backs up, and yells at the kid “Smith (whatever name it was)! I know what your problem is! Your mother threw away the baby and raised the afterbirth!”
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Verbal Couseling:
Sgt. B, you are not in the Mobile Infantry. You will not wake your team up to the words, “Come on Cap-troopers, On the Bounce, the Bugs are attacking.”
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
A guy in AIT got an Article 15 for getting drunk and “hitting Pvt. XXXX in the fist with his face”.
October 4th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Specialist Peters you are not to remove the firing pin from new 2LTs weapons pRior to their qualifying no matter how incompetent you think they maybe.
October 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
^^That one is hilarious!
October 4th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Even though I was asked to get him a drink, I will not give the formerly enlisted LT a shaken-up coke just because he “forgot where he came from” (complete with air quotes)
October 6th, 2009 at 8:47 am
“I will not tell an E-5 medic (I’m E-3) that she is not supposed to “wiggle” the needle when drawing blood and say a dumb grunt can do this for CLS why can’t she do it for her job.” (On the same counseling form) “I need to establish my communication presence more often”
October 10th, 2009 at 3:18 am
1SG: SSG G you look like shit. I told you and the CSM told you to wash that patrol cap. If you dont wash it today I will recomend you for a article 15.
Me:Really can I will just ask to be court martialed for a dirty hat. lol.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Not allowed to tell a SFC ITC instructor(POG who was yelling at me for shit I had nothing to do with) that, “Maybe we need to go out back and settle this like men”. And then tell everyone in the 3 shop what a little bitch he was about it(I was a SPC at the time).
October 21st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
“I don’t care how much he pisses you off, you can’t piss on him when he is sleeping!!”
November 4th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
turns out it is not ok to laugh while at attention in front of the LTCOL, CSM, CAPT, 2nd LT, and SFC after they chewed me out for being a dumbass then telling me how they are molding me into a NCO. And really not funny when you say i know a lot better ways of being molded into an NCO then having the MP flexi cuffs me pulled me from my tent, being yelled at for not standing at attention when a LTCOL is talking to you while still in flexi cuffs (impossible to get your hands at your sides, dont you think), 20 days confinment, 1/2 pay for 2 months, and being labled as the muffin man for the rest of the deployment, and getting a field grade article for assualt and mamning charges with a baked good (chocolate muffin to the face of another soldier). yeah i know alot better ways, what happened to we will take care of this at the lowest level.
November 14th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
-”Flexible or not, you are not qualified to tell SF how to properly handcuff you.”
-”You should not use your abnormal flexibility to circumvent or tamper with handcuffs.”
Third time I was detained. “Hey, whats his name? Holy crap! Its that guy they warned us about. Skip the cuffs and zip tie him!”
-I will not tell A1Cs that in event of a terrorist attack, “It’ll be us versus the cops versus the terrorists.”
-I will not die on purpose in order to circumvent participation in an exercise.
-I will not resist being taken hostage during an exercise. I will not attempt to physcially harm opfor during an exercise.
-I will not sexually harass faulty test equipment.
-”Performing a Voodoo ritual” is not considered proper trouble shooting methodology for Automated Test Equipment.
-Neither is “The Laying on of Hands.” or “Speaking in Tongues.”
- Asking the chaplain to bless the ATS is not “Local acquisition of advanced trouble shooting equipment.”
November 27th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
-Cpl ****** repelling off the roof of the barracks (after cutting the lock to the roof) and suspending yourself above the staff duty window (which is on the second floor) and knocking until the staff duty pulls their head out of their and and becomes “situationally aware” is not a proper training method.
-Cpl you are not ever allowed to “borrow” the CG’s flag even if it was left out unsecured, especially if you are in black silk weights, gloves, black bali, camo paint, and it’s dark out side.
-It is never ok to give give your piss bottle to Iraqi children, even if they threw rocks at you the day before.
-You are NOT EVER allowed to shoot out the log pack spot lights when they turn them on your SKT hide, even if you have a BFT marker out, even when you radio them and tell them you will shoot them if you spot light them.
-Not allowed to return fire on said log pack next time when they spot light and shoot at you.
-It is illegal and you are not allowed to take the brand new Iranian 81mm mortar on the grounds that ours were peaces of sh** and they still had packing grease on them.
-Cpl you will never ever do a vehicular house clearing again I do not care if your drive a hole clean through and we could see everything in the house.
-You are never again allowed to refer to a brand new butter bar who just arrived in country 1 week ago after you’ve been there a year and announces he’s your new PL, that “Oh great another self important bullet sponge, I’ll put the mop in the truck”, this is not proper military conduct and scares the butter bars.
January 1st, 2010 at 12:18 pm
You will stop trying to be one man on the stack, the medic is not supposed to actively try and kill people. Likewise you should not proceed to control pair everything in your path on your way in you are a MEDIC.
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:27 pm
I will not use the response “when it’s your time to go it’s time, God has a plan for everyone” when a mechanic who’s never done a combat patrol, who’s just hitching a ride with my convoy to Balad so he can fly to Qatar for a much deserved vacation, when he’s told to walk the rails with the rest of the grunts and is scared out of his mind that he might get blown up.
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:34 pm
I will never ever again…under any circumstances use my BFT to send sexually explicit comments about a CMDR’s wife when 1.) I don’t know the commander or his wife 2.) The messages can be traced back to the vehicles that we were borrowing from the Marines
January 8th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
To quite possibly the worst soldier I have had the “pleasure” of serving with during a verbal counseling:
“PFC W****, you are without a shadow of a doubt the EXACT reason why mother lions eat their young.”
January 21st, 2010 at 8:11 pm
From a INF 1SG to a Mother who had become obnoxious in front of the company formation:
“Ma’am….I can’t fix in 2 weeks what you fu**ed up for 20 years”
January 21st, 2010 at 8:14 pm
“Ranger, do you really think you can beat me”
“Sergeant, for a Hooah Bar I will kill you”
“Whats your roster Number………….Major Plus”
January 21st, 2010 at 8:17 pm
“You cant fucking yell “FUCK” in fucking formation, smart ass, what the fuck is your fucking problem?!?!?!?!?!”
“I’m just motivated”
“Fucking control your fucking self for five fuxking minutes, fucking-A Christ”
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:26 pm
I will never again fire 203 TPT rounds into crowds of belligerent Iraqi Civilians while wearing my promask.
I will stop making fun of the 1SG to his face when he tries to tell me that my PAS13 has to be recharged plugged into 110volts and not 240.
I will stop yelling Allah Akbar as my response when I am called out of formation. “Here” or “Hooah” is the acceptable response.
I will make every attempt to stop making fun of a Major that had his 9mm pistol drag along outside our truck, along the road and through the mud for two kilometers, thank God for lanyards right?
I will ensure that my gunner stops returning fire with his Mark19 when the Marines shoot at us because they apparently don’t know how to operate their nigthvision. Even though it’s happened 19 fucking times and I tell them over the radio exactly where we are and that I have IR covers on my lights, whereas the enemy would likely be using white light.
I will tell my squad designated marksman that even though he has an M14 and we could write it off as an enemy sniper, he’s to stop “watching” the 1SG through his M14’s ACOG.
I will not ask the OGA guy with the forearm mounted bft/gps thing if it has a self destruct device like the thing the Predator had.
I will stop making fun of Navy SEALS even though they infil in M113s and flashbang houses for hide sites even though all the noise they make insures that they’re all compromised within ten seconds.
I will not interrupt OpOrders anymore by saying “Blah, Blah, Blah” even if I feel that the LT is wasting my time using a plethora of huge words when it’s unnecessary.
I will not attempt to clear 16 houses with my squad and three terrified IAs without notifying battalion or anyone else ever again.
I will never have my driver start pulling away when the LT gets out of the truck to take a piss.
I will not laugh out loud during the MNCI-Sergeant Major’s Hooah Speech when he tells us that we’re hitting so many IEDs because our truck windows are dirty. And after that, I will not walk out in disgust before he’s finished.
When I got to cushy FOBs I will stop stealing whatever unsecured vehicles I find to get to the PX or Chowhall.
When the MPs at the cushy FOB attempt to give me a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, I will not chamber a round and tell him to fuck off.
When on SOG duty, regardless of the idiotic spot reports I receive, it is unacceptable to tell whoever is reporting to shoot themselves in the face.
I will double check safe distances before using breach charges in the future.
At your promotion board, when your CSM tells you to relax, it doesn’t mean lean against the wall with your hands in your pockets. I still got promoted though.
I will never again speak to the press or reporters about anything…ever.
I will not get drunk and talk shit to the SEALS that were attached to us during a battalion ball. It is unprofessional.
I will not use the company freq to talk about cigarette and dvd prices at the haji-mart.
When words comes down that one of the 1SGs was shot in our battalion, I will not sound excited while asking if it was mine.
I will try not to laugh when explaining to the 1SG over the radio that just because the map is blown up and the grid squares are enlarged, they are still a square kilometer. Even if he is stubborn about it and still claims to see the heads and shoulders of an RPG team with his naked eye at 2800 meters when the grid he gave us was less than 500 meters away.
I will not encourage “killing everyone” over the battalion freq.
February 7th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
1) CDT RAMO, you do not have “artistic freedom” to change the battalion motto to “Don’t flick it, just pick it!”, and it is not appropriate do sound off in or around a formation.
2) Even if it does rhyme.
3) Yes, especially not while impersonating the CO
4) Goddamn it. Especially not while the CO is standing right behind you…No, you are not “Cool” with the CO.
5) When asked why the recruit looked like he was in rough shape at PT by the CO, the appropriate answer is never, “Well, we took him out for mai tais, then off to all the best ‘peel barns’ in town. Even if you thought he would ‘really enjoy it’”.
6) While the acceptable uniform is PT gear for firewatch, and you may execute PT while on the duty roster, you are conducting neither PT, nor firewatch while fishing in the bay, even it you were between a pull up bar and a bbq pit.
7) This refrigerator is for use of training NCO’s food storage only, not your bait. I don’t care if MSG said he “really liked calamari”.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Holy crap! These bullets had me rolling. Great stuff…my wife thanks you for my laughter waking her up at midnight. One of my personal less than stellar performance reviews: “SGT, how in the hell could you have been playing a Tiger Woods Golf tournament while one of your soldiers actually loaded a belt of ammo into his SAW and have a negligent discharge of five rounds…inside your hooch and three feet from your fucking head, nonetheless?! You are fucking fired, and he is off this fucking FOB!”
March 14th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
verbal
It is not acceptable to drink the PL’s Frappacino, especially if it is marked and you saw him put it in the fridge. The 24 hour rule does not apply.
It is highly unprofessional to flirt with the ATC or Tower Chicks at 0200 on the unsecured net. It is also irrepsonsible and rude to forget to release the transmit button and talk about how hot they sound compared to how hot they are not. without their support we will never get clearance for departure.
It is not acceptable to yell at a Company Commander over the Regimental Freq and call him a “Stupid Fobbit” while providing overwatch and guidance to a lost platoon trying to find their way back to the FOB. Furthermore, when told by CC that you are to get off his fucking net and he tells his soldiers to ignore your guidance the proper response is not ” this is not your fucking net sir, now shut up and let me do my job” ~to the guys who are lost~ “you can listen to me, the guy who has a camera above you and knows where you need to go or you can listen to your CO and stay lost all night, your call” the ir response was ” so..wich way do we go?” i can only imagine what happend to that convoy commander when he got back.
This is iraq and shit happens but, in the future when you need some “ALONE” time while your room mate is at work, lock your door. if you forget that atleast stop your “ALONE” time and close the door. It is not acceptable to continue with your door wide open in plain view of anyone outside.
PL’s last name is collins…it is not ok to tell the entire unit we are attahced to that his call sign is Phil and that he will only respond to that.