Chaos: General James Mattis Announced As Next Commandant Of Marine Corps

Updated: August 15, 2012


From our friends at The Duffel Blog

Washington, D.C. – In a controversial move sure to send shockwaves throughout the Corps, President Obama announced today that Commandant of the Marine Corps General Jim Amos will soon be replaced by General James Mattis.

Amos indicated his plans to resign early — having served only two years out of the four-year term as Commandant — saying that “he’s getting too old for this shit.”

General Mattis Can Carry His Own Goddamned Pack, He Doesn’t Need Your Help

“I’m just sick of dealing with these savages in the press and in Congress. They keep asking me questions about snipers pissing on people, nazi flags, and other crap,” said Amos. “I figure Jim [Mattis] will certainly know how to handle them.”

Not one to mince words, General Mattis is known for controversial quotes — once telling a reporter that it was “fun to shoot some people,” and that his Marines should always “have a plan to kill everyone they meet.”

Mattis, who announced his plans for retirement months ago, is being recalled for the position as top commander at a time when the Marine Corps transitions from combat to peace.

“This transition stuff is all a bunch of crap,” said Mattis, after returning from a 30 mile ruck run with an 80-pound pack. ”Our Corps will always be killing people. Even in peace time, I’ll find someone for our boys to kill out there. Yeah, I’m talking to you Iran.”

When reached for further comment on his promotion, Mattis was glad that he would be staying in uniform.

“When I announced my retirement, it was at a time when death by PowerPoint was my entire day. I thought I had missed my chance for Commandant,” said Mattis, after spitting out his Red Man chew and downing a double-shot of Jack Daniels. “But now that I am receiving this promotion, it means most of my job is to visit our boys overseas — Afghanistan, Djibouti, Libya — and I can get closer to the action again.”

Mattis is excited that he can leave the briefing room to get back to “systematically tracking and killing the nation’s enemies with his bare hands,” but he also has other plans for sweeping changes across the Marine Corps.

“This policy that doesn’t allow sleeve tattoos is a bunch of horseshit,” said General Mattis, as he shows off his own full-sleeve tattoos running down both arms. “So that’s the first thing to go.”

Yes, there is more…




  1. Ssgt Vera

    August 15, 2012 at 8:55 am

    I’ve served next to General Mattis when I was part of the BN jump team / Division jump team for 1st LAR in OIF II. We always preech to our Marines about leadership and I will tell you it comes all the way from the top. Thousand of Marines are going to be extremely motivated knowing that we have a commandant that serves for a purpose… Taking care of our men and women who serve for this wonderful organization! Damn, I am motivated knowing I can serve under General Mattis. Semper Fidelis!!!!

  2. Quickburn

    August 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

    If only it were true….*sigh

    • Troy

      August 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

      No Shit, we need people like this.

  3. Gunship Load

    August 15, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    It pains me to write this, but…

    I remember once upon a time I came to the Rhino Den because what YOU wrote was funny, and would pull me up from a slump of a bad day.

    Your “cut and paste” blogging style fucking blows!

    Go back to writing your own thoughts and ideas, or better yet, get a volunteer to write for you.

    Linking blogs and articles to another website is weak.

    • Rob

      August 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

      Gunship, sent you an email.

      • Specialist Little

        September 5, 2012 at 11:03 pm

        Seems like someone doesn’t frequent RU and RhinoDen… I’d say about 12.5% of their stuff is LINKED to another very well written MilBlog site.

        On another note, I’d like to know how to become a guest writer… I do believe I have the fortitude and cynical humor to do so. In fact, I have a story I can write right now about a little going away present we gave our PL while in the field for AT.

  4. Patrick

    August 15, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Quickburn said, “If only it were true….*sigh”…so my question is, Is the blog just a joke or is it serious that he’s going to be the new Commandant? Good article by the way.

    • Gunny Ret

      November 22, 2012 at 12:59 am

      It’s BS Marine.

  5. Austin

    August 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Gunship is absolutely right rhino-den truly had some of the best and funniest stories around and now it seems like a random copy and paste of other military type websites. Maybe the business of selling T-Shirts is occupying a lot of time but it would be good to hear from the RU crew

  6. Cpl David ravanesi

    November 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

    All of Commandants are terriffic and I wish Gen Mattis the best of luck. We have a weak President but a Strong Military Commander. Maybe the enemy will take notice And think twice because this guy will kick ass and take names Semper fi . From a former marine

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