In the last installment, we covered the different types of students you can expect to encounter in your typical expedition through higher education. However, the simple fact is this: no matter how difficult it is to get along with some of your peers (having visions of right hooks and roundhouse kicks while they’re speaking and trying not to act on that), the reality is that none of them will be grading your papers; none of them will be critiquing your work and passing you through the class.  

That special authority falls on the professor – the one who has spent most of their life in education and, for the most part, has a world view reflecting exactly that. Here’s how to deal with the different types you meet and how to pass their class without butt-stroking them into irrelevancy like you want to. 

The philosophy hipster: 

In every college there is a philosophy professor who is in his mid- to late-twenties. His hair is a bit longer than it should be. His shoes are more Manhattan-ish than anything else in your town. He wears skinny jeans.  

Yeah, you know the guy. And yeah, he’s annoying as hell. But he’s really not that bad, because he’s still in that phase where almost everything is “deep” and intriguing. All you have to do is quote a lot of philosophers who were considered important at one time. Even if the people you’re quoting are in direct opposition to each other, the hipster will think it’s totally cool because to him, everything is acceptable. Aristotelian thought? Sure! Nihilism? Absolutely! Moral relativism? Maybe! Just use a lot of Latin terms like reducto absurdum and ex nihilo and you’ll do great. 

 The cranky, female English professor: 

Though I somewhat covered this in part one, it is important to address again as this is a staple of every University in existence (I truly believe that it is a requirement to be an accredited school: “do you have a bitter woman teaching English? Yes? Okay, you’re official”).

Here is the biggest tip I can offer that will get you through those classes (and this applies to everything from English 101 up through world literature): English professors like to ask multiple versions of the same question. Yes, it’s ridiculous; yes, it’s redundant. But you still have to get through the classes. So figure out ways of – get ready for it – rewording the same answer. Yeah, I know, it sounds stupid – but it works. 

Professor: “Was Dante’s vision of hell meant to inspire those who read it to avoid it?” 

Me: “Dante believed that hell existed and wished for those who read his work to understand its torment.” 

Professor: “Dante wrote extensively on Hell. Was there an intention of influencing the reader in a certain way?” 

Me: “Hell, in the writings of Dante, is a description of the ultimate punishment and therefore a lesson in teaching about morality.” 

See what went down there? Yes, it is tediously redundant, but it is (on summarized scale) exactly what one has to deal with to get through English classes. And somehow, beyond all rational thought, it works brilliantly for getting a good grade. 

The goofy math professor: 

Remember the nerd from part II of this series? This teacher is the grown up version of that guy. It’s entirely possible that he will fully geek-out about your military background, but tread lightly for the same reasons as described in the warning about the nerd – you may end up hearing about how he played tuba for some 4-star general at the most important military ball ever held (this, by the way, is a real story from yours truly. I couldn’t make that up). 

Though it is very possible that several other types of math professors exist, I have no idea – as you can see, I’m writing words to you and not pages of equations. I’m one of those special liberal arts kids.  

Humanities: 

Good heavens, where do I even begin with this one… Humanitiesis generally the department that houses classes like “gender studies” and “ethno-centricity in the modern age.” You know – the stuff that truly matters in the real world. 

I’d like to give you some grand piece of advice, but the truth of the matter is that these people infuriate me. Usually you’ll have to sit through lectures by some professor who not only wrote their own book, but makes it required reading for the class. Their hubris is only exceeded by their unwillingness to look at anything that even closely resembles hard data, thereby basing every single teaching point in the class on how Western culture is wrong. And they will have beautifully-made graphs, charts, and videos that show…absolutely nothing in the way of hard facts supporting their theory, but you will – and this is a guarantee – be shouted down and called a racist, misogynistic, immoral, prejudiced, and Neanderthal if you challenge what they say. 

Bribes, back-door deals, selling your soul – do whatever it takes to get out of these classes. 

The tenured, 60+ history professor:  

This is a tough one because this one can be either the coolest professor you ever have or the absolute worst. An example of the latter, I can offer the following (I’m a history guy, so I’ve had every type of history professor known to mankind:

An upper-level 20^th Century history class I took was taught by a baby boomer who loved to go on long-winded rants about, well, everything under the sun. Oil? Evil. Government? Clearly evil. Capitalism? Worst evil ever. One day he went on a particularly emotional rant about the Vietnam War. Maybe he’s a vet and has some good stories after all… I thought to myself. He bore his soul. He laid it all out on the table. He broke down in tears.  And… he had never been in the military. 

Umm, say again last, over? Yeah, this guy wept like a baby about a war he had never seen except on TV. Was his brother killed? No. Sister? Mother? DOG??? Nope, nada, negatron, Batman. He was just so sad that we had been there and that the evil American capitalist regime had raped a poor, innocent land. And we had to hear about his sadness in excruciating detail and through multiple lectures (lectures which had absolutely nothing to do with any tested material, by the way). I got an A in the class by writing a tome about the space race – I think he graded it high because he knew even less about science than I do. 

However, there are history professors that will simply blow your mind. The type of guy that, no matter what war you bring up, he can give you 35 examples of previous wars through history, how they were similar, where and how they were fought, and how the current conflicts we are involved in really aren’t that unique. This guy will show you that there is an immense amount of knowledge to be gained from studying military history and how it applies to the modern age (bring up a couple Youtube videos of Victor Davis Hanson for a shining example of this). Professors like that can make it worth it because they will challenge you while still understanding what you’ve been through (even if they personally have not). They have spent so much time studying war that they at least have respect for the guys who have been involved in one.

So, how do you get through a history class you’re struggling with? Step one: email me. Step two: tune in next time for my wickedly-fast rundown of American history, which will end this series on college. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry; or you’ll fall asleep. Whichever.

Until then, consult the CIB Chaplain for guidance and RTFU!

By Mr. Twisted

Now that we’ve had an introduction to higher learning for returning veterans, it’s time to go a little deeper and look at the awesome levels of douchey-ness that one encounters on a typical college campus. After all, the hardest part of secondary education isn’t the tests and essays – it’s the willpower it will take to keep yourself from giving Spartan-kicks to the chest of half the people you meet.  

The Hippie:

I’m getting this one out of the way first simply because, for those of you who haven’t attended college yet, you’re under the mistaken impression that “hippies” will be the hardest to deal with. You may think that the guy who is talking about all the “baby killers” over in Iraq and Afghanistan and how the murderous tyrannical United States of America is oppressive will make you want to refresh your rear-naked choke skills, but in reality, you’re wrong. This guy is actually quite entertaining.  

The reality is they are pure comedy – kind of the court jester of the college classroom. At some level I don’t even think they take themselves seriously. While everyone else is debating things like war and politics, the hippie will inadvertently bring levity to a discussion by throwing out wickedly-intelligent anecdotes like “bro, the reason all people in the world are so angry is because they aren’t, like, in touch with the fifth dimension and the pyramid within their soul, bro.” I don’t care who you are, that’s some funny shit and in no way can be taken seriously. Laugh at this person, pat them on the head, and thank them for being just like a movie character. 

The Cute Girl in a Rush:

In almost every class there will be a girl that comes in late to class, but will make sure every person there knows she has arrived and why it wasn’t on time. The look from the teacher that should inspire a student to sit down and shut up will only prompt this girl to loudly sigh and state how sorry she is for being late and proceed to give multiple reasons why; none of which are interesting or matter to anyone except her – and to the guy who is unlucky enough to fall for it. 

Avoid this girl like the plague. She will suck the very life from your soul because, though she will pretend to be interested, she will only be waiting for an opportunity to share more of her drama and suck you into the whirlwind of ex-boyfriends, late rent, and car accidents that is her life. Break contact and reengage with another target. 

The Agenda:

While this person can be female or male, it has been my experience that they are almost always women (feel free to add your story in the comment section). They are the person who, at every possible point in any given class, will figure out a way to work their agenda into the curriculum. I don’t care if the lecture is on George Washington’s leadership, they will manage to fire off a comment about how oil is driving the leadership of the country to oppress poor, indigenous cultures around the globe and kill baby seals. They read just enough to be dangerous but not enough to understand how wrong they are. There is no need to engage this one directly. Use indirect fire – offer up a question that you know will get “the agenda” to froth at the mouth and go on a rant. Then sit back and use it for study time while they drone on about “the man.” This is where having a laptop comes in really, really handy. 

The Nerd:

You’re not in high school anymore; this guy can be of great assistance to you. Act accordingly and use your judgment, however, because he can also monopolize your time by asking you about how many wizard points you racked up in combat and how he would have joined if it weren’t for his asthma, acid reflux, lactose intolerance, peanut allergies, sinusitis, dyspepsia, polio, leptospirosis, tuberculosis, diphtheria, and Brazilian hemorrhagic fever. 

The Other Veteran:

I was in one of my classes for over three weeks when I heard a barely-audible curse from the guy sitting right next to me after the professor made some comment about that “war for oil” going on. After looking at him for a minute or two, I finally just said “who were you with?”

“Infantry. 101^st.You?” 

Out of a class of over 50 people, we had managed to sit right next to each other. Not a single other vet in the whole class besides the two of us. I wouldn’t think so much of it, but something very similar happened in three of my classes – another fellow infantryman and one a Marine. We manage to find each other without even knowing and, believe me, it makes a huge difference. Finding others who have even a remotely similar background to you will help make the adjustment to college life much easier. No, they won’t be in every class, but when they are it will bring huge smiles and keep you from punching holes in the walls when the professor starts talking about how the military is just a tool of the industrialist, corporate machine known as the United States of America. 

And that is a subject to be covered in the next chapter – the professors: how to pass their class without assaulting the objective that is their pulpit of nonsense.

By: Mr. Twisted

College: A veteran’s guide to surviving higher education.

After watching the Ranger UP series on getting a job, I figured that another logical step would be to write a few essays on the other route vets may take after leaving the service – college. Though the prestige of higher learning has lost the luster that it had back in our grandparents’ day, most of the reason for that is due to ridiculous raises in tuition in comparison with cost of living and general economic situations. But for those of us who served, this issue is negated by what is still one of the more outstanding benefits for serving.

At some point, nearly everyone reading this has either used the GI Bill, will use it in the future, or knows someone who has. While dealing with the VA should be another article entirely (and most likely will be) this guide serves as an owner’s manual of sorts for those veterans who have not yet attended an institute of higher learning and a reflection – for lack of a better term – for those who have already headed down that road.

Like many veterans, my first college experience was an eye-opener. The lackadaisical attitudes, disrespect, and general misunderstandings about the wars going on (and the world as a whole) were often more painful to experience than my first 12 mile ruck march. But, just like Basic Training, college isn’t “hard” – it just sucks. But if you know some of the ins and outs before hand, the experience can be made much more simple. Here are a few tips to get you through your core classes with a smile.

Math: This was the most intimidating for me going in, simply because I’m not a math guy. Ask me to do a 20 page essay on the reasons why General Patton was successful and I’m all over it. A ten-question algebra quiz, on the other hand, makes me want to tear my eyeballs out. So here’s what you do: equate everything to what you did in the service. For example, one may think that infantry is the furthest thing from math, but they’d be wrong. How do you do land navigation? Using grid coordinates, figuring out azimuths, and plotting points requires some basic mathematical skills. Use that as a starting point. If you have to write a paper, write about how you called in an air strike using your compass and known locations to determine unknown locations. It will either impress the hell out of your instructor or scare the living shit out of them. Either way, they’ll give you a good grade.

Science: Do you know the physics and science that make an AT-4 work? Well, neither does your professor, and researching it will help you relate some stuff you did to the scientific realm, all while seriously impressing that hot girl in your class who thinks rockets are “cool.”

Communications: Yeah, nobody likes giving speeches. But check it out, nobody in a college class will yell at you like your 1SG did at your promotion board, even if you get the maximum effective range of the 240B wrong. Do a speech on how to properly PMCS a vehicle; as long as you stay within the guidelines, the teacher won’t have any idea what to say other than to give you an “A.” Sure, it will be mind-numbingly boring, but don’t kid yourself – you’ve done it a hundred times, know the material back-to-front, and can do it with your eyes closed.

History: Too easy. America started with war, has had several wars in its history, and is at war now. You know all about war because it’s all you’ve been doing for the last ____ years. This class will give you a chance to write about it from a big-picture perspective – just don’t lose the personal perspective and your instructors will love you for it.

English: Funny personal story on this one. My English 101 professor openly admitted to “hating” all things military. She was seriously bent out of shape about all things related to war and told me so to my face, even after I told her I had just gotten out. So, what did I do? The first assignment was a “personal narrative” paper, so I wrote 3 pages on my time at Airborne School.  The next assignment was a “step-by-step process” paper; so, naturally I chose “evaluate and treat a casualty” as my topic. All of my papers carried a theme like that, but I was always careful to follow the instructions to the letter, making it impossible for her to grade me down on any of them. It drove her mad to give me an “A” in the class, but that’s exactly what she had to do.

The point is, your military experience is rife with material that you can use and turn into opportunities to not only make college easier, but expose the brain-dead kids in your class to someone with your background. And believe me, though you may not think that’s a big deal, there aren’t as many of you as you may think floating around the campus. There are certainly a few – and, magically, you will find each other – but inevitably you will be surrounded by people who ask you incredibly stupid questions about war, the military, and all things in between.

In the next installment, we will go over the different personalities a veteran will encounter on the college campus and how to converse with them on a civil level – aka not yelling “do pushups!” at every kid who has his pants too low.

Sniper Chris Kyle

Chris Kyle, in spite of his best efforts to convince us otherwise, is a war hero. I sat down for a phone interview with him, after reading his book American Sniper (Harper-Collins). The former Navy SEAL, who has been certified as the most lethal sniper in U.S. Military history, struck me as a humble and sincere man. He makes every effort to not portray himself as a war hero and to show absolutely no ego, but his actions speak for themselves. He told me that he does not see himself as the greatest sniper ever, pointing out that he almost failed out of Sniper School. Well, that may be true, but not every troop gets a huge bounty placed on them by the terrorists either.

While he is out of the military, he continues to try to help the military and law enforcement community by founding Craft International , which offers training in a variety of skill sets such as driving, sniping, and CQB (close quarters battle). When he left the military, Chris had some difficulty defining himself since his entire existence prior to this had been defined by being a SEAL. He found a way to adapt and give back, both by writing his book and by passing along valuable training to those who continue the fight.

Mr. Kyle wanted to raise awareness of what service members go through in combat, as well as what their families endure, and American Sniper was his way of doing this. If you’re looking for a violent, gory war story, this isn’t the book for you. Not that there’s anything wrong with telling a story like that, but this is a mature and somber story focusing more on the hidden impacts of the war on both the combatants and their families. There are moments of levity, but for the most part it conveys a sense of honesty and seriousness; and while there is plenty of action, it’s balanced with a good look at the stress endured by service members and their families. Nor does it shy from exposing the intense hate that some people feel for America. Political correctness does not intrude to dampen the honesty of this book.

In the book and through my interview with him, Mr. Kyle explored his own combat stress, something that he says anyone who’s seen combat will probably come back with. He suffers nightmares, a common thing for service members, but his nightmares focus on the dead troops that he was not able to save. In his view, a lot of people have two common misconceptions about veterans and the war; they either don’t realize that there is a war still going on, or they think that everyone coming back from the war suffers from full blown PTSD. This is not the case. While everyone probably has some form of combat stress, not all have PTSD and even those who do have it do not need to be looked down on or avoided.

Chris Kyle understandably sees a credible threat of further terrorist acts against the U.S. on our own soil, and in light of this he hopes to foster more cooperation between law enforcement and the military. In this spirit, he founded his company and opened it to members of both communities to continue his effort of giving back to the military and America. The current draw down in the size of the active military will, in his view, “come back to bite us in the ass”, and he hopes to offer good training to those still serving.

So while he did not write American Sniper to try to enhance his own image, I think it still reflects well on him. He’s a quiet professional, still contributing to the military community through writing and training. I would suggest anyone wanting to get a clear, honest look at war and the side-effects of it on the combatants and their families; pick up a copy of his book. If you’re in the military or law enforcement and you’re looking for good training, take the time to look into Craft International. If you care about the troops and their families, remember that there is still a war on and find out what you can do to help them. War is a reality that he has lived; and like it or not we must learn to accept it and all it entails.

The martial arts have been the backbone of fighting for thousands of years and Ranger Up’s Kelly Crigger has captured the true essence of these fighting styles better than anyone, anywhere, anytime. Okay, maybe not, but he did write a nine part series on the most effective martial arts for MMA and published them in FIGHT! magazine. With special permission from FIGHT! they’re reprinted here exclusively for the Rhino Den. Click a link to read an article.

The Art of Eight Limbs – The History of Muay Thai

Maximum Efficiency, Minimum Effort – The History of Judo

All Powers – The History of Pankration

Defend the Motherland – The History of Sambo

The Intercepting Fist – The History of Jeet Kune Do

The Empty Hand – The History of Karate

The Way of Yielding – The History of Jiu Jitsu

Catch as Catch Can – The History of Catchwrestling

The Sweet Science – The History of Boxing

The guys at Ranger Up know stuff, and from time to time we’ll try to pass on our cauldron bucket thumbnail of knowledge to you in the form of a Top 11 list. We’ll all take turns churning these babies out. For example, if you wanted to learn how to be curmudgeonly, then Crigger would take it. If you wanted to learn how to be genetically superior to everyone else and not realize that no matter how hard we try we’ll never touch your crossfit times, then Tim would take it. If you want to learn how to be loud, obnoxious, and did I mention loud, then Tommy Batboy will be all over it. If you want to learn how to work with a bunch of assclowns, then Garrett will write it. Well, you get the idea.

The Topic: How to get into College

Why you care: It’s never a bad idea to get some more school in (unless you’re one of those freaks that can’t do anything in real life and just collects degrees as if that somehow makes you a contributing member of society and/or smart) and with the economy sputtering a little, it’s the perfect time to set yourself up for success. Many of you also have GI Bill benefits. Use them!
Why you should listen to me: I went to two schools conventional wisdom says I should not have gotten into. When I was at Duke, I helped out with admissions conducting tons of interviews of prospective students, so I’ve seen how bad people are at it. Also, being around the selection process gave me a window into know how admissions looks at students and how they rate them. Also, I have helped twelve people apply to top schools. Eleven listened to me. Eleven got in. In short I am undefeated. Finally, I know how to translate military success into academia-speak.

The Top 11 Ways to Get into College

11. Plan ahead big time. Doing an application is not something you should knock out in a day or even a week. You need to complete recommendations, essays, and standardized tests, as well as prepare for interviews. The best thing you can do is target the very first application deadline for the schools you want to attend and plan backwards about three months from that date.

10. Apply to multiple schools. This is really important, no matter where you want to go, but especially if you’re hunting for the high brow, secret society, rich kid schools. Just because you have great grades, think you’re the shit, and really, really, REALLY want to go to Harvard, doesn’t mean they give a rat’s ass. There are thousands of kids just like you, so not only do you have to put together an awesome application, but you have to catch an admissions officer that a) likes what you have to say and b) is in a good mood. Unless you cured cancer or something, you’re not all that cool. Hedge your bets.

9. Test scores and grades aren’t everything. A lot of people were just okay or even bad in high school, then served in the military, found a whole lot of discipline, and are ready for college, but are worried that they can’t get into the schools they want because of grades or SAT scores. A lot of people that have a college degree already have the same concern when thinking about grad school after military service. Here’s the deal: Grades and Test Scores aren’t that important and they aren’t that unimportant.

First the bad news. If you scored only the minimum SAT score allowed by writing your name on the paper and you got everything else wrong, your aspirations for Yale are probably a long shot. Conversely, if you maxed your GMAT with an 800 and had a 4.0 GPA that doesn’t mean you’re money, either. When I applied to business school, there were forums everywhere where losers told everyone how awesome their scores were and how they’d only accept Harvard or Wharton because they were so good. Then they’d be crying because they didn’t get in. That’s because they were giant douchebags and the world generally unfolds as it should.

Now the good news. Every school has a listed average (unimportant) and middle 80% (very important). A school’s average SAT score might be 1400, but their middle 80% is 1500-1050. You want to be as close to the average as you can, but being in the middle 80% is really key. Your military experience is not easy to replicate that and admissions people know that. You just can’t make it too hard for them to say yes by being the 1%. Regardless, no matter how bad your score is, apply. Make them decide, don’t quit on yourself. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised.

8. Understand the premise of peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter candidates are the people that have the right grades, the right experience, the right jobs (if it is graduate school), etc. Think of them as the sure thing. They are the people the school knows will come in and get good grades and go get a corporate job and climb the ladder and finish out their careers as the VP of whatever and call it a day. Then there’s jelly. Jelly candidates are the guys who have done a lot of crazy shit in their lives and don’t necessarily fit into the mold of the school, but admissions is considering them out of sheer, morbid curiosity. They are the people that will get a great corporate job, climb the ladder, hate it, quit, and start a t-shirt company and hence, give their mom a near heart attack.

You want to be both. The good news is that if you served in the military you already have the jelly (but you can still add interesting hobbies and travel to spruce it up). Hell, if you’re a recent vet, you’re probably hanging on 2-3 deployments already. You don’t need much more jelly. What you need to do is show your job and responsibilities in the service actually took brain power comparable to what your civilian counterparts were doing. If you’re applying for undergrad, too easy, they were getting drunk. If you’re applying for graduate degree, you need to highlight the analytic, problem-solving, and leadership aspects of your jobs. Mortarman? You were using physics to calculate the precise location of high explosive impact. One screw up and people died. Quartermaster? You were engaged in a multi-national logisitics campaign as a key member of the world’s largest supply chain. You had to deal with international regulations, HAZMAT, language barriers, and the fact that the supplies you were delivering directly contributed to the success of the mission. Infantryman? You had to deal with language issues, public works problems, and police issues all while understanding and balancing the needs of the various sects in the area you were patrolling, and by the way, at any point you could be in a firefight. Try topping that stress with a PowerPoint presentation in front of the boss…

7. Understand stereotypes. Everyone carries stereotypes. Some are good and some are bad. You want to reinforce the good and minimize the bad. You are never going to change them (e.g. convince them that the military is not what they think) but you can prove to them that you are an exception to the rule. In the case of the military, the positive stereotypes tend to be: disciplined, calm under pressure, leader, and team player. The bad stereotypes tend to be: automaton droid, not creative, overly aggressive, needs a hierarchy to succeed.

To combat this, tell stories in your essays and interviews that showcase how far from the stereotype you are in the negative department, and reinforce the good stuff with stories that highlight those attributes.

6. Develop themes for your application. Applications work best when you pick themes to build around. Only you know what you want to highlight, but as a blueprint for a military guy or gal, I’d think about things like: leadership, teamwork, initiative, and intelligent risk-taking. Whether you’re writing essays or sitting in an interview, think about these themes as you frame your answers.

5. Write good freakin’ essays. If it wasn’t for the essay, I’d be screwed. Essays are the one chance you have to plan exactly what you want them to hear and make sure you tell them exactly that. You personally may not be a great writer, but every one of you knows at least one that will edit for you. Work on this until they kick ass. Edit the shit out of them. Let other people edit the shit out of them.

I am a big believer in telling first-person stories for at least one or two of your essays. We have the backgrounds that allow those stories to be really cool, and after reading a hundred essays that day about dealing with a challenging coworker at IBM or a mean boss at Morgan Stanley, what admissions officer isn’t going to perk up a little when the essay starts, “The explosion threw me a hundred feet, but I was okay, and more importantly, my rifle still worked”? Okay, a little dramatic, but you get the point.

4. Just because you know Michael Jordan, it doesn’t mean he should write your recommendation. Admissions officers have this weird code of honor. They don’t like to think they are being beaten into accepting someone because they know someone important, and actually “rage against the machine” when this happens. It’s fun to watch them get riled up and bitch about it.
So, if you didn’t work directly for Mr. Jordan, then he shouldn’t be writing your recommendation. Pick people that know you well, that you are CERTAIN really like you, and who you believe will put in the work to make sure they are good. Recommendations are the least important part of your packet, because for fuck’s sake, who out there can’t find someone to right something positive about them, but they can hurt you if you hand them to the wrong person. Ideally, the person should be a competent writer (look at your NCOER or OER as a starting point) but real passion for your success is most important.

3. Kick ass in the interview. When you interview (or write essays for that matter), use the STAR format. STAR stands for situation, task, action, result. What was the situation you were placed in? What task did you get assigned or did you take on for yourself? What actions did you take towards the completion of that task? What were the results of your actions?
Sounds easy, right? I’ve sat through hundreds of interviews at Duke and in corporate America before I started doing Ranger Up fulltime (we just make people pass obstacle courses and hazing rituals for employment). People suck at it. Bad. Real Bad. The funny thing about that is that everyone considers themselves a brilliant interviewer. You’ve all heard it. “If I could only get to the interview, I’ll get the job, because I’m great at interviewing.” You’re not. You suck at it, just like everyone else.
The interview is not about answering the questions or about being friendly. It’s about showing a history of success, showing that you will succeed here at school, showing that you will then graduate and succeed some more, and that you aren’t an asshole that will be miserable to work with. Seriously. Admissions people would outwardly argue with this fact, but it’s the God’s honest truth. That’s all there is to it.

The best way to do that is to use the STAR format and to stick to your themes. Don’t rush to answer the question. You’ll have multiple answers for any question, so think about which answer will best help you.
Example:
Question: Tell me about a time you were placed in a stressful situation and how you reacted.

Bad Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad and we got ambushed. I fought through it and killed everyone, then hung their severed ears from my neck. Later, the guys and I played soccer with the heads of one of the bastards!

Good Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad when an angry mob approached us. We were a little antsy as the day before we had been ambushed, so I was acutely aware that my guys might overreact. I grabbed my terp and walked directly towards the leader of the mob, making sure I pulled my hands off my weapon to seem less aggressive, even as I gave my team leader the order to do what was necessary the second it turned ugly. By doing this, I kept the mob away from my squad so they would have the standoff to engage if necessary while the interpreter and I determined what the problem was. Come to find out, they were simply angry because a tank had knocked in the side of a house. I was able to put a work order in to get it fixed and ended up having a very strong relationship with the village elders as a result, who began trusting us and passing information on the insurgents in the area. Had I not kept my cool, there was the possibility that this situation could have turned very ugly, and we certainly would not have garnered the positive relationship that we did with the village.

2. Make sure the school is right for you. People put a lot of effort into trying to get into the “right schools” but often don’t ask if the school is actually right for them. Research the school. Ask questions in the interview. Odds are that if you hate everyone you’ve met, you will not enjoy your experience. You’re the one that is going to pay these clowns a veritable orgasm of money to go to their institution and get their degree. The application process is not a one-way street! Make sure they are going to give you what you want.

Additionally, researching the schools will help you write better, more school-specific essays, as well as frame intelligent questions that show the admissions folks how much you want to be at THEIR school, not just any school. Schools are businesses just like any other, even though they like to pretend that they really do it all to serve the greater good (Harvard pretty much owns Boston and Brown pretty much owns Providence, but they get tax exemption for serving the greater good. WTF, over?). The only thing they hate more than accepting the wrong candidate is accepting the right candidate and losing them to another school (one of the school ranking criteria is yield which equals number attending divided by the number admitted). In short, be ready to highlight why school X is THE school for you.

1. Show them a history of success. When you think about this one, schools will annoy you. Sorry. Schools want to bring people in who don’t need them at all. They want to take hardworking, smart, successful people, stamp their brand on them, and then ship them out to go continue to be successful, and then have those successful people send them money later. Do you think Harvard teaches different shit than Umass Amherst? Do you think Stanford teaches different shit than UCLA? Same shit, folks, but they have marketed so well over time that all the super successful freaks want to go there so they feel good about themselves. Companies, in turn, want to hire the freaks that came from them so they feel good about themselves. It propagates a vicious cycle. So you want to fight that cycle, right? Fuck no! Convince these people that you’re a huge success and that they need you. Then do the same in industry and get the right corporate job.

Then quit that job and make t-shirts.

Good Luck!

I remember, somewhere around 1985, sitting up with my folks, watching the Martin Short hour long comedy special. He was my favorite comic at the time, and one of my favorite skits was his impersonation of Doug Henning, working a long “Illuuuuusionnnn” into every other sentence. Back then, as a kid just entering his teenage angst period, I though illusions were fantastic. Now, not so much.

Illusions still surround us, and in the Army they are abundant. Only these are not Doug Henning’s, or David Copperfield’s illusions. They are the illusions we, as an institution, have set up, and that we continue to give life to every day. So, without further ado, I give you, The Power of Illuuuuuuusionnnnnn……

The blast of the IED has everyone’s eyes fuzzy, and ears muted. Bits of debris seem to be slowly falling from the sky, and every radio in the convey is silent until a cacophony of shouts and shrill directions seem to erupt from every VIC system. Smoke seems to settle on everything, as vehicles jockey for position, a macabre ballet of steel, fire and noise, erratically moving to the dull sound of metal on metal, shouts of anger and dismay, and the incessant babble coming from every alley and storefront. Shouts that sounded like they were underwater slowly start to become clear, and you start to make out the frantic shouts of your friends, concern and panic cling to their words. As you choke and cough on smoke fumes and fear, you imagine white pickup trucks pulling up and snatching you off the streets in a calculated bid to kidnap a Soldier. Your heart quickens and your adrenaline leaves you short of breath as you steady yourself and exit your vehicle. Eyes dart about, scanning every pedestrian foolish enough to still be nearby, and you raise your weapon to the ready position, prepared to put two into any menacing figure that show hostile intent. You squint through the smoke and the fog of danger, and you slowly start to breathe easier as you see your salvation confidently striding toward you. At a sub 6 minute pace, a figure in PT shorts, shirt, and sneakers is coming in your direction. Armed with a heart rate monitor and a stop watch, this imposing figure runs up to you and surveys the situation.

“I’m Captain Runsalot, I’m here to help.”

You feel a surge of relief as you realize that you are in good hands. Everyone knows Captain Runsalot by reputation.

 He can run really fast, really far.

“Captain Runsalot, did you bring a weapon,” you breathlessly ask. Damn, this guy isn’t even breathing hard. Captain Runsalot is the Man!

“No, I didn’t, I only shot 4 for 40 at my last M4 range, so most of my Soldiers don’t trust me with a weapon. I’ve only hit the 25 meter target with my M9 two times, and I’m pretty sure someone made those holes with a pen, so I’d rather not use that one either.”

It doesn’t matter if he can’t shoot. Sir….er….CPT Runsalot can run really fast, really far.

“CPT Runsalot, we have a wounded Soldier. Maybe you could throw him over your shoulders and carry him to the aid station.”

Captain Runsalot laughs at this, the way someone laughs with a conspiring partner at an inside joke.

“Sorry, can’t help you there either. I’m only able to lift about 35 pounds over my head, so I’m quite certain I won’t be able to firemen’s carry anyone to the aid station.”

It’s okay. Despite his gangly frame and obvious lack of upper body strength, CPT Runsalot can run really fast, really far.

“Don’t worry about it CPT Runsalot, your still THE MAN! If you could just run on over to Warrior Six’s vehicle and call in a MEDAVAC, that would be a ton of help.”

“Oh, you mean a something-line MEDAVAC?”

“Yes, CPT Runsalot, a nine-line MEDAVAC.”

“Okay, no problem! Do you have a cell phone I can use?”

“No, CPT Runsalot, we don’t use cell phones out here, you need to use the SINCGARS in the vehicle.”

“Well, I would, but I’m really not sure how to use a SINCGARS. But don’t worry, because I can run really far, really fast.”

“Yes, you can! Okay CPT Runsalot, I know you don’t have a weapon, but keep an eye out for anything suspicious. If anyone tries to sneak up on us, use your combatives skills to keep him at bay until we can subdue him with our weapons.”

“Okay, by ‘combatives’, do you mean running?”

“No CPT Runsalot, I mean using your fighting ability to physically restrain and/or harm him.”

“Oh, that’s right, I remember hearing about combatives. Yeah, I skipped that training, I was out running with the Battalion Commander. He loves it when I run with him.”

“Don’t worry about it CPT Runsalot, just jog around in a circle or something, we’ll do the rest of the work.”

So he does.

At the end of the day, you reflect on how fortunate you all were to have CPT Runsalot show up today. Who knows how things might have gone without him. He may not be able to shoot, communicate, or kill, but damn that guy can run.

Really far, really fast.

As a reformed squid, people always ask me why I chose the Army over the Navy when I made the decision to leave behind civilian life and come back to military service. Often, I am left muttering to my other personality, twitching uncontrollably, and wondering the same thing myself. After a few brief moments of self reflection, however, I usually come out of my trance and offer some semblance of a reason. Some folks can’t quite wrap their minds around the idea that I would choose the Army over the Navy, and usually they have some pretty valid reasons why they think I made a huge mistake.

“Why didn’t you go back into the Navy? Army life sucks!”

Typically, the aforementioned “Army life sucks” comments are bracketed by the stuttering that comes with sleeping in the cold, eating cold MREs, and waking up at 0300 for watch. When you are dealing with someone who is currently enduring this level of suck, it’s hard to argue your point. When these comments come from a place like Iraq or Afghanistan, you are fighting a losing battle. It doesn’t help my argument when most Navy bases are surrounded by sun, beach, and bikinis, and there is a very alluring, certain “Hollywood” that goes with being in the Navy. Aircraft carriers, submarines, and Navy SEALs. All very cool.

After three years of civilian life, I had to make a choice. Army vs. Navy. The only real possibilities I had in the Navy were as a Supply Officer or a Navigation Officer, not exactly my first choices. But it wasn’t the branch choices that made my decision so hard; it was the essence of Army life versus Navy life. And so, without further ado, I present to you the top five reasons to “Go Navy” and the top five reasons to “Leave Navy.”

Top Five Reasons to “Go Navy”

1. Port calls. This one is too easy. Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel. Basically, anywhere awesome. What exotic locals will you visit in the Army? Iraq, Kuwait, and Afghanistan. No contest.
2. The JAG factor. The Army has a long way to go to match wits with the Marines and Navy in the media. Coolest military recruitment commercials = Marines. Best recruitment exploitation in the movies and television = Navy. This one really is a no brainer. Top Gun, A Few Good Men, Navy SEALS, JAG, NCIS. Don’t get me wrong, there are some GREAT Army movies, but they don’t seem to become pop culture like the Navy movies do. Who sings, “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling?” Is it Tom Cruise or The Righteous Brothers? If you had to think longer than half a second on that one, you just made my point.

3. Everyone wants to visit a carrier. Politicians, athletes, movie stars, and musicians all flock to see Aircraft Carriers when they are in port. They really are that cool. From sitting presidents and mega-stars to that guy from the movie “Speed” whose convertible Keanu Reeves uses while chasing the bus, they all want to visit.
4. Port calls. Did I mention Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel? Israeli girls are wicked hot. (Side note, Israeli Army chicks = Hot Ranger Up girls, just an idea…)
5. Annual Army/Navy game. I know all the West Point graduates are seething in rage as I say this, but come on, Army football sucks. The only great football player to come from West Point since Pete Dawkins is….wait for it….wait for it….crickets….

Top Five Reasons to “Leave Navy”

1. The Dining Facility. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, segregation still exists in America today. On Navy vessels, you have one chow hall for E-6 and below, the Chief’s Mess for E-7 through E-9, and finally the Officer’s Mess. No mingling allowed, enlisted DO NOT eat with officers, and officers are not allowed in enlisted messes.
2. Staterooms. Cram 120 Sailors into a space that would normally fit 20, stack them in bunks three high, stuff their belongings in the very limited space under their mattresses, and you have the enlisted berthing area. Take a room that w

ould fit about 20 Sailors, provide spacious beds, desks, and wall-lockers, and you have a two-man officer’s room. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
3. Priorities. In the Army, officers and senior NCOs eat last, go on pass last, and are (supposed to anyway) first in when the day starts, and last to leave when the day ends. This is the complete reverse order in the Navy. On port calls, the most junior Sailors on the last one off the ship, and the first ones back on. They have the longest lines for haircuts, PX (NEX) access, and chow. Officers and Chiefs have head of the line privilege for all the aforementioned items.
4. Bathroom segregation. Yeah, back to the segregation thing. Separate bathrooms for enlisted and officers. To completely pour salt in this wound, junior Sailors clean the officer bathrooms.
5. Uniforms. In the Army, I get to wear ACUs and dress blues. In the Navy, I had dungarees and “Cracker Jacks.” This is another one of those no-contest-why-did-I-even-bother-to-compare items.

There you have it, top five reasons to go/stay Navy. If you are ever faced with this situation yourself, please feel free to print out, and use this article for your own decision making process. Or, feel free to simply print out and put on your dart board. Either way, I hope it’s helpful.

Have your own reason to Go Navy, or Go Army? Post it below!

It all started with RU Nick. He was here in DC a few months ago and I mentioned to him that I had recently run five miles in my fastest time ever – 38:30.

“Hmmph,” he snorted in that, ‘I’ll be polite and not say anything, but I really want you to notice that I just said hmmph’ way.’ I should have ignored him.

“How fast have you run it?” I asked, knowing full well I wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Oh…something like 3 minutes,” he said. I think he actually said twenty-four minutes, but all I really heard was, “I laugh at you, old man.”

Shortly after that I was in Boston training Muay Thai at Mark DellaGrotte’s Sityodtong gym. Afterward a skinny welterweight asked if I wanted to grapple. Inside I snickered. I was an above average grappler and had rolled with some very good people. But just two minutes later this feral whelp had handled me like a naughty dominatrix clad in skintight leather with a riding crop. Despite my seventy-pound weight advantage, I had no answers for his skill. He didn’t submit me, but the only move that saved me from it was brute force – I reversed direction and bench-pressed him across the mat. Once again RU Nick was there to scoff at me from the sidelines.

I’ve been into Crossfit for years. I’m good at it. Then I did a Tim Kennedy workout. Soon you’ll soon see a blog from me entitled “Fuck Tim Kennedy.”

The final mortal wound to my vapid self-confidence came last weekend when I entered an intramural swim meet to support my unit’s quest to win the Fort Belvoir Commander’s Cup. I swam competitively for years and have continued to swim nearly two miles every week so I entered the competition convinced of my own superiority and sure I would leave the meet with a slew of middle-aged bikini babes asking “who WAS that guy?” in my wake. After all I was in the 35 and up category. How many decent swimmers could there be in this age group?

Apparently a lot. I got smoked. Smoked isn’t even the right term. I was the meet’s dog bone – chewed up and buried in my Speedo’s. It was beyond embarrassing. Oddly, I finished in 12^th place out of 20 entrants in every event and did nothing to contribute to the team except frighten children in the stands by screaming “FUCK!” when I lost. I have since tossed out my Speedo’s because my pathetic performance was surely caused by inferior textile engineering. Thankfully RU Nick was not at this event or there would be a picture of me on the Rhino Den in my Speedo’s and we would no longer have any readers.

Now, I’m under no preconceived notion that I am able to match the physical feats of my youth. After all, it’s called getting old for a reason. But lately it’s gotten ridiculous. It’s one thing to lose a step, but losing ten seconds off of my fifty-meter swim time is a soul-crushing bitter pill that undoes all the hard work and therapy I’ve endured just to believe in myself.

Besides being a lamentation on the natural order of things, there really is a message to this rant. All you young studs out there partying all night and running a five miler the next morning like it’s nothing – your days are numbered. The specter of death might not be loitering at your front porch, but the aches and pains of age, which can be considerably worse, are coming. The mysterious joint popping, uncontrollable flatulence, and out-of-breath groaning after a mere flight of stairs are anxiously awaiting just around the corner and if you don’t think so, there will almost certainly be someone there to prove that you’re just fooling yourself.

Probably RU Nick.

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