The guys at Ranger Up know stuff, and from time to time we’ll try to pass on our cauldron bucket thumbnail of knowledge to you in the form of a Top 11 list. We’ll all take turns churning these babies out. For example, if you wanted to learn how to be curmudgeonly, then Crigger would take it. If you wanted to learn how to be genetically superior to everyone else and not realize that no matter how hard we try we’ll never touch your crossfit times, then Tim would take it. If you want to learn how to be loud, obnoxious, and did I mention loud, then Tommy Batboy will be all over it. If you want to learn how to work with a bunch of assclowns, then Garrett will write it. Well, you get the idea.

The Topic: How to get into College

Why you care: It’s never a bad idea to get some more school in (unless you’re one of those freaks that can’t do anything in real life and just collects degrees as if that somehow makes you a contributing member of society and/or smart) and with the economy sputtering a little, it’s the perfect time to set yourself up for success. Many of you also have GI Bill benefits. Use them!
Why you should listen to me: I went to two schools conventional wisdom says I should not have gotten into. When I was at Duke, I helped out with admissions conducting tons of interviews of prospective students, so I’ve seen how bad people are at it. Also, being around the selection process gave me a window into know how admissions looks at students and how they rate them. Also, I have helped twelve people apply to top schools. Eleven listened to me. Eleven got in. In short I am undefeated. Finally, I know how to translate military success into academia-speak.

The Top 11 Ways to Get into College

11. Plan ahead big time. Doing an application is not something you should knock out in a day or even a week. You need to complete recommendations, essays, and standardized tests, as well as prepare for interviews. The best thing you can do is target the very first application deadline for the schools you want to attend and plan backwards about three months from that date.

10. Apply to multiple schools. This is really important, no matter where you want to go, but especially if you’re hunting for the high brow, secret society, rich kid schools. Just because you have great grades, think you’re the shit, and really, really, REALLY want to go to Harvard, doesn’t mean they give a rat’s ass. There are thousands of kids just like you, so not only do you have to put together an awesome application, but you have to catch an admissions officer that a) likes what you have to say and b) is in a good mood. Unless you cured cancer or something, you’re not all that cool. Hedge your bets.

9. Test scores and grades aren’t everything. A lot of people were just okay or even bad in high school, then served in the military, found a whole lot of discipline, and are ready for college, but are worried that they can’t get into the schools they want because of grades or SAT scores. A lot of people that have a college degree already have the same concern when thinking about grad school after military service. Here’s the deal: Grades and Test Scores aren’t that important and they aren’t that unimportant.

First the bad news. If you scored only the minimum SAT score allowed by writing your name on the paper and you got everything else wrong, your aspirations for Yale are probably a long shot. Conversely, if you maxed your GMAT with an 800 and had a 4.0 GPA that doesn’t mean you’re money, either. When I applied to business school, there were forums everywhere where losers told everyone how awesome their scores were and how they’d only accept Harvard or Wharton because they were so good. Then they’d be crying because they didn’t get in. That’s because they were giant douchebags and the world generally unfolds as it should.

Now the good news. Every school has a listed average (unimportant) and middle 80% (very important). A school’s average SAT score might be 1400, but their middle 80% is 1500-1050. You want to be as close to the average as you can, but being in the middle 80% is really key. Your military experience is not easy to replicate that and admissions people know that. You just can’t make it too hard for them to say yes by being the 1%. Regardless, no matter how bad your score is, apply. Make them decide, don’t quit on yourself. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised.

8. Understand the premise of peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter candidates are the people that have the right grades, the right experience, the right jobs (if it is graduate school), etc. Think of them as the sure thing. They are the people the school knows will come in and get good grades and go get a corporate job and climb the ladder and finish out their careers as the VP of whatever and call it a day. Then there’s jelly. Jelly candidates are the guys who have done a lot of crazy shit in their lives and don’t necessarily fit into the mold of the school, but admissions is considering them out of sheer, morbid curiosity. They are the people that will get a great corporate job, climb the ladder, hate it, quit, and start a t-shirt company and hence, give their mom a near heart attack.

You want to be both. The good news is that if you served in the military you already have the jelly (but you can still add interesting hobbies and travel to spruce it up). Hell, if you’re a recent vet, you’re probably hanging on 2-3 deployments already. You don’t need much more jelly. What you need to do is show your job and responsibilities in the service actually took brain power comparable to what your civilian counterparts were doing. If you’re applying for undergrad, too easy, they were getting drunk. If you’re applying for graduate degree, you need to highlight the analytic, problem-solving, and leadership aspects of your jobs. Mortarman? You were using physics to calculate the precise location of high explosive impact. One screw up and people died. Quartermaster? You were engaged in a multi-national logisitics campaign as a key member of the world’s largest supply chain. You had to deal with international regulations, HAZMAT, language barriers, and the fact that the supplies you were delivering directly contributed to the success of the mission. Infantryman? You had to deal with language issues, public works problems, and police issues all while understanding and balancing the needs of the various sects in the area you were patrolling, and by the way, at any point you could be in a firefight. Try topping that stress with a PowerPoint presentation in front of the boss…

7. Understand stereotypes. Everyone carries stereotypes. Some are good and some are bad. You want to reinforce the good and minimize the bad. You are never going to change them (e.g. convince them that the military is not what they think) but you can prove to them that you are an exception to the rule. In the case of the military, the positive stereotypes tend to be: disciplined, calm under pressure, leader, and team player. The bad stereotypes tend to be: automaton droid, not creative, overly aggressive, needs a hierarchy to succeed.

To combat this, tell stories in your essays and interviews that showcase how far from the stereotype you are in the negative department, and reinforce the good stuff with stories that highlight those attributes.

6. Develop themes for your application. Applications work best when you pick themes to build around. Only you know what you want to highlight, but as a blueprint for a military guy or gal, I’d think about things like: leadership, teamwork, initiative, and intelligent risk-taking. Whether you’re writing essays or sitting in an interview, think about these themes as you frame your answers.

5. Write good freakin’ essays. If it wasn’t for the essay, I’d be screwed. Essays are the one chance you have to plan exactly what you want them to hear and make sure you tell them exactly that. You personally may not be a great writer, but every one of you knows at least one that will edit for you. Work on this until they kick ass. Edit the shit out of them. Let other people edit the shit out of them.

I am a big believer in telling first-person stories for at least one or two of your essays. We have the backgrounds that allow those stories to be really cool, and after reading a hundred essays that day about dealing with a challenging coworker at IBM or a mean boss at Morgan Stanley, what admissions officer isn’t going to perk up a little when the essay starts, “The explosion threw me a hundred feet, but I was okay, and more importantly, my rifle still worked”? Okay, a little dramatic, but you get the point.

4. Just because you know Michael Jordan, it doesn’t mean he should write your recommendation. Admissions officers have this weird code of honor. They don’t like to think they are being beaten into accepting someone because they know someone important, and actually “rage against the machine” when this happens. It’s fun to watch them get riled up and bitch about it.
So, if you didn’t work directly for Mr. Jordan, then he shouldn’t be writing your recommendation. Pick people that know you well, that you are CERTAIN really like you, and who you believe will put in the work to make sure they are good. Recommendations are the least important part of your packet, because for fuck’s sake, who out there can’t find someone to right something positive about them, but they can hurt you if you hand them to the wrong person. Ideally, the person should be a competent writer (look at your NCOER or OER as a starting point) but real passion for your success is most important.

3. Kick ass in the interview. When you interview (or write essays for that matter), use the STAR format. STAR stands for situation, task, action, result. What was the situation you were placed in? What task did you get assigned or did you take on for yourself? What actions did you take towards the completion of that task? What were the results of your actions?
Sounds easy, right? I’ve sat through hundreds of interviews at Duke and in corporate America before I started doing Ranger Up fulltime (we just make people pass obstacle courses and hazing rituals for employment). People suck at it. Bad. Real Bad. The funny thing about that is that everyone considers themselves a brilliant interviewer. You’ve all heard it. “If I could only get to the interview, I’ll get the job, because I’m great at interviewing.” You’re not. You suck at it, just like everyone else.
The interview is not about answering the questions or about being friendly. It’s about showing a history of success, showing that you will succeed here at school, showing that you will then graduate and succeed some more, and that you aren’t an asshole that will be miserable to work with. Seriously. Admissions people would outwardly argue with this fact, but it’s the God’s honest truth. That’s all there is to it.

The best way to do that is to use the STAR format and to stick to your themes. Don’t rush to answer the question. You’ll have multiple answers for any question, so think about which answer will best help you.
Example:
Question: Tell me about a time you were placed in a stressful situation and how you reacted.

Bad Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad and we got ambushed. I fought through it and killed everyone, then hung their severed ears from my neck. Later, the guys and I played soccer with the heads of one of the bastards!

Good Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad when an angry mob approached us. We were a little antsy as the day before we had been ambushed, so I was acutely aware that my guys might overreact. I grabbed my terp and walked directly towards the leader of the mob, making sure I pulled my hands off my weapon to seem less aggressive, even as I gave my team leader the order to do what was necessary the second it turned ugly. By doing this, I kept the mob away from my squad so they would have the standoff to engage if necessary while the interpreter and I determined what the problem was. Come to find out, they were simply angry because a tank had knocked in the side of a house. I was able to put a work order in to get it fixed and ended up having a very strong relationship with the village elders as a result, who began trusting us and passing information on the insurgents in the area. Had I not kept my cool, there was the possibility that this situation could have turned very ugly, and we certainly would not have garnered the positive relationship that we did with the village.

2. Make sure the school is right for you. People put a lot of effort into trying to get into the “right schools” but often don’t ask if the school is actually right for them. Research the school. Ask questions in the interview. Odds are that if you hate everyone you’ve met, you will not enjoy your experience. You’re the one that is going to pay these clowns a veritable orgasm of money to go to their institution and get their degree. The application process is not a one-way street! Make sure they are going to give you what you want.

Additionally, researching the schools will help you write better, more school-specific essays, as well as frame intelligent questions that show the admissions folks how much you want to be at THEIR school, not just any school. Schools are businesses just like any other, even though they like to pretend that they really do it all to serve the greater good (Harvard pretty much owns Boston and Brown pretty much owns Providence, but they get tax exemption for serving the greater good. WTF, over?). The only thing they hate more than accepting the wrong candidate is accepting the right candidate and losing them to another school (one of the school ranking criteria is yield which equals number attending divided by the number admitted). In short, be ready to highlight why school X is THE school for you.

1. Show them a history of success. When you think about this one, schools will annoy you. Sorry. Schools want to bring people in who don’t need them at all. They want to take hardworking, smart, successful people, stamp their brand on them, and then ship them out to go continue to be successful, and then have those successful people send them money later. Do you think Harvard teaches different shit than Umass Amherst? Do you think Stanford teaches different shit than UCLA? Same shit, folks, but they have marketed so well over time that all the super successful freaks want to go there so they feel good about themselves. Companies, in turn, want to hire the freaks that came from them so they feel good about themselves. It propagates a vicious cycle. So you want to fight that cycle, right? Fuck no! Convince these people that you’re a huge success and that they need you. Then do the same in industry and get the right corporate job.

Then quit that job and make t-shirts.

Good Luck!

I remember, somewhere around 1985, sitting up with my folks, watching the Martin Short hour long comedy special. He was my favorite comic at the time, and one of my favorite skits was his impersonation of Doug Henning, working a long “Illuuuuusionnnn” into every other sentence. Back then, as a kid just entering his teenage angst period, I though illusions were fantastic. Now, not so much.

Illusions still surround us, and in the Army they are abundant. Only these are not Doug Henning’s, or David Copperfield’s illusions. They are the illusions we, as an institution, have set up, and that we continue to give life to every day. So, without further ado, I give you, The Power of Illuuuuuuusionnnnnn……

The blast of the IED has everyone’s eyes fuzzy, and ears muted. Bits of debris seem to be slowly falling from the sky, and every radio in the convey is silent until a cacophony of shouts and shrill directions seem to erupt from every VIC system. Smoke seems to settle on everything, as vehicles jockey for position, a macabre ballet of steel, fire and noise, erratically moving to the dull sound of metal on metal, shouts of anger and dismay, and the incessant babble coming from every alley and storefront. Shouts that sounded like they were underwater slowly start to become clear, and you start to make out the frantic shouts of your friends, concern and panic cling to their words. As you choke and cough on smoke fumes and fear, you imagine white pickup trucks pulling up and snatching you off the streets in a calculated bid to kidnap a Soldier. Your heart quickens and your adrenaline leaves you short of breath as you steady yourself and exit your vehicle. Eyes dart about, scanning every pedestrian foolish enough to still be nearby, and you raise your weapon to the ready position, prepared to put two into any menacing figure that show hostile intent. You squint through the smoke and the fog of danger, and you slowly start to breathe easier as you see your salvation confidently striding toward you. At a sub 6 minute pace, a figure in PT shorts, shirt, and sneakers is coming in your direction. Armed with a heart rate monitor and a stop watch, this imposing figure runs up to you and surveys the situation.

“I’m Captain Runsalot, I’m here to help.”

You feel a surge of relief as you realize that you are in good hands. Everyone knows Captain Runsalot by reputation.

 He can run really fast, really far.

“Captain Runsalot, did you bring a weapon,” you breathlessly ask. Damn, this guy isn’t even breathing hard. Captain Runsalot is the Man!

“No, I didn’t, I only shot 4 for 40 at my last M4 range, so most of my Soldiers don’t trust me with a weapon. I’ve only hit the 25 meter target with my M9 two times, and I’m pretty sure someone made those holes with a pen, so I’d rather not use that one either.”

It doesn’t matter if he can’t shoot. Sir….er….CPT Runsalot can run really fast, really far.

“CPT Runsalot, we have a wounded Soldier. Maybe you could throw him over your shoulders and carry him to the aid station.”

Captain Runsalot laughs at this, the way someone laughs with a conspiring partner at an inside joke.

“Sorry, can’t help you there either. I’m only able to lift about 35 pounds over my head, so I’m quite certain I won’t be able to firemen’s carry anyone to the aid station.”

It’s okay. Despite his gangly frame and obvious lack of upper body strength, CPT Runsalot can run really fast, really far.

“Don’t worry about it CPT Runsalot, your still THE MAN! If you could just run on over to Warrior Six’s vehicle and call in a MEDAVAC, that would be a ton of help.”

“Oh, you mean a something-line MEDAVAC?”

“Yes, CPT Runsalot, a nine-line MEDAVAC.”

“Okay, no problem! Do you have a cell phone I can use?”

“No, CPT Runsalot, we don’t use cell phones out here, you need to use the SINCGARS in the vehicle.”

“Well, I would, but I’m really not sure how to use a SINCGARS. But don’t worry, because I can run really far, really fast.”

“Yes, you can! Okay CPT Runsalot, I know you don’t have a weapon, but keep an eye out for anything suspicious. If anyone tries to sneak up on us, use your combatives skills to keep him at bay until we can subdue him with our weapons.”

“Okay, by ‘combatives’, do you mean running?”

“No CPT Runsalot, I mean using your fighting ability to physically restrain and/or harm him.”

“Oh, that’s right, I remember hearing about combatives. Yeah, I skipped that training, I was out running with the Battalion Commander. He loves it when I run with him.”

“Don’t worry about it CPT Runsalot, just jog around in a circle or something, we’ll do the rest of the work.”

So he does.

At the end of the day, you reflect on how fortunate you all were to have CPT Runsalot show up today. Who knows how things might have gone without him. He may not be able to shoot, communicate, or kill, but damn that guy can run.

Really far, really fast.

As a reformed squid, people always ask me why I chose the Army over the Navy when I made the decision to leave behind civilian life and come back to military service. Often, I am left muttering to my other personality, twitching uncontrollably, and wondering the same thing myself. After a few brief moments of self reflection, however, I usually come out of my trance and offer some semblance of a reason. Some folks can’t quite wrap their minds around the idea that I would choose the Army over the Navy, and usually they have some pretty valid reasons why they think I made a huge mistake.

“Why didn’t you go back into the Navy? Army life sucks!”

Typically, the aforementioned “Army life sucks” comments are bracketed by the stuttering that comes with sleeping in the cold, eating cold MREs, and waking up at 0300 for watch. When you are dealing with someone who is currently enduring this level of suck, it’s hard to argue your point. When these comments come from a place like Iraq or Afghanistan, you are fighting a losing battle. It doesn’t help my argument when most Navy bases are surrounded by sun, beach, and bikinis, and there is a very alluring, certain “Hollywood” that goes with being in the Navy. Aircraft carriers, submarines, and Navy SEALs. All very cool.

After three years of civilian life, I had to make a choice. Army vs. Navy. The only real possibilities I had in the Navy were as a Supply Officer or a Navigation Officer, not exactly my first choices. But it wasn’t the branch choices that made my decision so hard; it was the essence of Army life versus Navy life. And so, without further ado, I present to you the top five reasons to “Go Navy” and the top five reasons to “Leave Navy.”

Top Five Reasons to “Go Navy”

1. Port calls. This one is too easy. Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel. Basically, anywhere awesome. What exotic locals will you visit in the Army? Iraq, Kuwait, and Afghanistan. No contest.
2. The JAG factor. The Army has a long way to go to match wits with the Marines and Navy in the media. Coolest military recruitment commercials = Marines. Best recruitment exploitation in the movies and television = Navy. This one really is a no brainer. Top Gun, A Few Good Men, Navy SEALS, JAG, NCIS. Don’t get me wrong, there are some GREAT Army movies, but they don’t seem to become pop culture like the Navy movies do. Who sings, “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling?” Is it Tom Cruise or The Righteous Brothers? If you had to think longer than half a second on that one, you just made my point.

3. Everyone wants to visit a carrier. Politicians, athletes, movie stars, and musicians all flock to see Aircraft Carriers when they are in port. They really are that cool. From sitting presidents and mega-stars to that guy from the movie “Speed” whose convertible Keanu Reeves uses while chasing the bus, they all want to visit.
4. Port calls. Did I mention Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel? Israeli girls are wicked hot. (Side note, Israeli Army chicks = Hot Ranger Up girls, just an idea…)
5. Annual Army/Navy game. I know all the West Point graduates are seething in rage as I say this, but come on, Army football sucks. The only great football player to come from West Point since Pete Dawkins is….wait for it….wait for it….crickets….

Top Five Reasons to “Leave Navy”

1. The Dining Facility. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, segregation still exists in America today. On Navy vessels, you have one chow hall for E-6 and below, the Chief’s Mess for E-7 through E-9, and finally the Officer’s Mess. No mingling allowed, enlisted DO NOT eat with officers, and officers are not allowed in enlisted messes.
2. Staterooms. Cram 120 Sailors into a space that would normally fit 20, stack them in bunks three high, stuff their belongings in the very limited space under their mattresses, and you have the enlisted berthing area. Take a room that w

ould fit about 20 Sailors, provide spacious beds, desks, and wall-lockers, and you have a two-man officer’s room. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
3. Priorities. In the Army, officers and senior NCOs eat last, go on pass last, and are (supposed to anyway) first in when the day starts, and last to leave when the day ends. This is the complete reverse order in the Navy. On port calls, the most junior Sailors on the last one off the ship, and the first ones back on. They have the longest lines for haircuts, PX (NEX) access, and chow. Officers and Chiefs have head of the line privilege for all the aforementioned items.
4. Bathroom segregation. Yeah, back to the segregation thing. Separate bathrooms for enlisted and officers. To completely pour salt in this wound, junior Sailors clean the officer bathrooms.
5. Uniforms. In the Army, I get to wear ACUs and dress blues. In the Navy, I had dungarees and “Cracker Jacks.” This is another one of those no-contest-why-did-I-even-bother-to-compare items.

There you have it, top five reasons to go/stay Navy. If you are ever faced with this situation yourself, please feel free to print out, and use this article for your own decision making process. Or, feel free to simply print out and put on your dart board. Either way, I hope it’s helpful.

Have your own reason to Go Navy, or Go Army? Post it below!

It all started with RU Nick. He was here in DC a few months ago and I mentioned to him that I had recently run five miles in my fastest time ever – 38:30.

“Hmmph,” he snorted in that, ‘I’ll be polite and not say anything, but I really want you to notice that I just said hmmph’ way.’ I should have ignored him.

“How fast have you run it?” I asked, knowing full well I wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Oh…something like 3 minutes,” he said. I think he actually said twenty-four minutes, but all I really heard was, “I laugh at you, old man.”

Shortly after that I was in Boston training Muay Thai at Mark DellaGrotte’s Sityodtong gym. Afterward a skinny welterweight asked if I wanted to grapple. Inside I snickered. I was an above average grappler and had rolled with some very good people. But just two minutes later this feral whelp had handled me like a naughty dominatrix clad in skintight leather with a riding crop. Despite my seventy-pound weight advantage, I had no answers for his skill. He didn’t submit me, but the only move that saved me from it was brute force – I reversed direction and bench-pressed him across the mat. Once again RU Nick was there to scoff at me from the sidelines.

I’ve been into Crossfit for years. I’m good at it. Then I did a Tim Kennedy workout. Soon you’ll soon see a blog from me entitled “Fuck Tim Kennedy.”

The final mortal wound to my vapid self-confidence came last weekend when I entered an intramural swim meet to support my unit’s quest to win the Fort Belvoir Commander’s Cup. I swam competitively for years and have continued to swim nearly two miles every week so I entered the competition convinced of my own superiority and sure I would leave the meet with a slew of middle-aged bikini babes asking “who WAS that guy?” in my wake. After all I was in the 35 and up category. How many decent swimmers could there be in this age group?

Apparently a lot. I got smoked. Smoked isn’t even the right term. I was the meet’s dog bone – chewed up and buried in my Speedo’s. It was beyond embarrassing. Oddly, I finished in 12^th place out of 20 entrants in every event and did nothing to contribute to the team except frighten children in the stands by screaming “FUCK!” when I lost. I have since tossed out my Speedo’s because my pathetic performance was surely caused by inferior textile engineering. Thankfully RU Nick was not at this event or there would be a picture of me on the Rhino Den in my Speedo’s and we would no longer have any readers.

Now, I’m under no preconceived notion that I am able to match the physical feats of my youth. After all, it’s called getting old for a reason. But lately it’s gotten ridiculous. It’s one thing to lose a step, but losing ten seconds off of my fifty-meter swim time is a soul-crushing bitter pill that undoes all the hard work and therapy I’ve endured just to believe in myself.

Besides being a lamentation on the natural order of things, there really is a message to this rant. All you young studs out there partying all night and running a five miler the next morning like it’s nothing – your days are numbered. The specter of death might not be loitering at your front porch, but the aches and pains of age, which can be considerably worse, are coming. The mysterious joint popping, uncontrollable flatulence, and out-of-breath groaning after a mere flight of stairs are anxiously awaiting just around the corner and if you don’t think so, there will almost certainly be someone there to prove that you’re just fooling yourself.

Probably RU Nick.

Get Kelly’s Book, Title Shot: Into the Shark Tank>>

Jeff over at The Midnight Hour has analyzed the new rules involving the Post-9/11 GI Bill and helps you determine how best to use your tuition benefits:

Quick background for non-veterans: The Montgomery G.I. Bill is a benefit that subsidizes education costs for veterans. While on active duty service members can elect to pay $1200 one time and in return they receive 36 months of payments towards full-time education after they leave active duty.  Thirty-six months is the equivalent of the time required for a 4-year degree based on a 9-month academic year. Yes, it’s the best $1200 investment you could ever make, as the full-time benefit is currently $1321 per month.

Congress recently passed the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill. Veterans that served after 9/11 are eligible. Service members also now receive the benefit automatically and do not have to pay $1200 as before. Veterans that originally had the Montgomery G.I. Bill but are eligible for the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill may elect to change their MGIB (known as Chapter 30) to the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill (known as Chapter 33). This is an irrevocable decision. This is also not financially advisable for all veterans. As a matter of fact, unless you attend school at least 3/4 time and pay all your expenses (no scholarships, tuition reimbursement, etc.) it’s probably not a good idea. This post aims to educate veterans on the basics of the two programs and why they should weigh all factors carefully before electing for the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill. It’s a decision that cannot be changed and might cost them thousands of dollars. Here’s why:

The Chapter 30 MGIB pays you monthly simply based on whether you are enrolled in a qualifying degree program. Enrolled full time? You get $1321 per month. No other factors are involved. Did you get a scholarship and you don’t owe any tuition? Good for you. The VA doesn’t care; you still get your $1321/month. Did you pick an inexpensive school where tuition is relatively cheap? Good for you. The VA doesn’t care; you still get your $1321/month.  If you are taking classes at 1/2 time or better then you simply receive a flat rate payment, scaled appropriately for 1/2 and 3/4 time students. However, students taking less than a 1/2 time load just get reimbursed for expenses.

(Note: To the non-veteran this may seem like the veteran is scamming the system, but he is not. The VA is well aware of how the program works. The Chapter 30 MGIB just cares that you are enrolled in a qualifying degree program. That is the requirement to draw the money associated with the benefit. If the veteran meets the requirement, then the VA is unconcerned whether the money exactly meets the veteran’s education expenses or whether it’s going towards pizza and beer.)

The Post-9/11 G.I. Bill is a little more complex. First, it pays your tuition and fees directly to your school, up to a maximum limit determined for each state. Did you pick an expensive college that consumed all of your Chapter 30 MGIB? Good for you, now the VA will pick up more of the tab (up to the limit for your state). Did you get a scholarship and you don’t owe any tuition? The VA thanks you wholeheartedly, because now they don’t have to pay the school for your tuition. See the subtle difference? Next, if you attend more than 1/2 time, then you get a housing allowance. The allowance is calculated as the BAH for an E-5 with dependents in the zip code of your school. Use this site to look it up for your zip code. If you attend at 1/2 time or less then you don’t get the housing allowance–not even a scaled one. Finally, you get a stipend for books equal to $500/semester or $1000/year for full-time. Those three payments comprise the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill: tuition paid to the school, housing allowance paid to you (if you qualify), and book stipend paid to you.

Crunch the numbers and you’ll find that you may want to stick with your Chapter 30 MGIB. The Post-9/11 G.I. Bill is lucrative for full-time students receiving no other type of assistance, and those attending expensive universities that don’t participate in the Yellow Ribbon Program. All other cases should perform a careful comparison before switching. The VA has actually done something really superb and posted several different example comparisons on their web sitehere. Note their assumptions at the top and plug in the numbers for your own scenario. Don’t include the MGIB $600 buy-up unless you purchased it before leaving active duty. Scale all the payments correctly based on how many hours you are taking and whether your school considers it full-time or less. Payment scales are linked below. Remember, 1/2-time and less means no housing allowance under Chapter 33 while 1/2-time and more begins your entitlement to flat-rate payments under Chapter 30.

Finally, the VA has indicated that veterans eligible for the Chapter 30 MGIB that exhaust all of their benefits under Chapter 30 may then change to the Chapter 33 Post-9/11 G.I. Bill for an additional 12 months of benefits under Chapter 33. I do not fully understand this, but it appears like it might sweeten the deal even more for veterans using Chapter 30. The blurb appears here on the VA website. I suggest talking with a VA representative personally about this plan, as it doesn’t seem to be as well-documented as all other facets of the change.

Visit Jeff’s original post to see additional resources to help in your planning>>

Nick did a nice job of hitting the basics tenets of leadership from the eighteen million books on the subject from the West Point Plebe reading list and his time as a junior officer.

Keep in mind, though, that he also thinks men can wear pink. While I’m certainly not claiming this as a complete list, here’s my “old man” addendum to Nick’s list…and when I say addendum, I mean here are some real gems from someone with two decades of what matters most-practical experience. 

Know what it truly means to “take care of troops.”

I had heard the phrase, “take care of your troops” for years, but never actually quantified it until a Battalion Commander sat me down in an OPD and laid it all out on paper. Ironically he was a pretentious nerd, so this was his one moment out of the douchapotamus tank. Taking care of troops is not limited to spending umpteen hours in the field or turning some poor finance clerk into pink mist when a soldier isn’t getting paid. Taking care of troops is much more holistic than that. It’s making sure they’re physically fit with a long-term PT program that’s as individualized as possible. It’s making sure their living conditions don’t resemble Cabrini Green. It’s making sure they know how to identify a suspicious man in the streets and escalate a conflict from “Get on the ground” to “Get a bodybag.” It’s making sure the chow in the mess hall isn’t dumpster debris. It’s making sure they’re tactically and technically proficient at their job and know the meaning of one shot, one kill. It’s ensuring they have a will and updated SGLI. It’s making sure their equipment isn’t rusting hulks of T-Rex poop. It’s setting all the conditions for them to be a great soldier and more. There are a hundred little facets to taking care of troops that have to be known and lived. It’s not a cool mantra to throw around when you want to seem like you give a shit in front of the old man.  

There are two sides to every story.

A lot of your time as a leader will be consumed doing the things you detest, but they’re absolutely essential to taking care of troops. UCMJ is the worst. I would rather pluck the underwear out of Tommy Batboy’s ass crack than end someone’s career or even set them back in their path to earning stripes, but sometimes it’s justified and even necessary. Always remember, though, that there are two sides to every story and you must listen to both. It is a pernicious leader who assumes the guilt or innocence of a soldier before both sides of the story have been fully vetted. Even if your First Sergeant barges into your office proclaiming “Sir, we gotta get rid of this piece of shit!” Stop, think, and gather all the facts. Never come to a conclusion or form a judgment until you’re certain of the truth.

Be consistent.

If you punish a troop for an offense then you can’t let another troop off the hook for the same infraction unless you want your company to become the cub scout den of the Battalion. I had a Brigade Commander who had a favorite Captain. One day the golden boy got drunk and took a swing at a Major. It was clearly a violation of UCMJ as well as thoroughly embarrassing since he missed his target completely. No matter how much the Commander liked this guy he knew he had to throw the book at him or it would have sent a message to the rest of the Brigade-as long as you’re one of my boys, you’re untouchable. That’s Cosa Nostra leadership, not US military. The standards are the same from Private to General, so you have to be consistent in every aspect.

But don’t have absolutes (unless it’s the Swedish Vodka variety).

Don’t confuse consistency with absolutes. When I took command of a company I said, “Anyone who gets a DUI is toast. No questions asked.” That was stupid. Halfway through command I had a troop get a DUI, but there were extenuating circumstances. He got drunk and then got in his car and went to sleep in the back seat because he knew driving was a bad idea. Great judgment call on his part. But since it was December he put the keys in the ignition to get some heat going before falling asleep. When a cop found him, he got busted for DUI because in the state of Georgia having the keys in the ignition is enough to charge the driver with DUI. He was an E7 with a distinguished career and was one of the most trustworthy guys I ever knew. My statement that I would max out anyone who got a DUI proved to be an albatross around my neck and put me in a bad position. I learned that every situation is different and having an absolute stance on anything is about as smart as not wrapping your little ranger in MOPP 4 at a Haitian brothel.

Being responsible means you have to be an asshole sometimes.

This can also be worded as, “NEVER make a decision because it’s popular” and goes back to Nick’s point about doing the right thing always (I gotta throw the man a bone once in a while). True story-After a Field Training Exercise my Battalion had all our weapons turned in to the arms room except one-the Battalion Commander’s driver-who was on the road driving the old man around. The whole Battalion waited and waited for this guy to bring his weapon in so we could be released. Those are two hours I will never recover. As the Battalion Executive Officer (the XO-the second in command for you non-Army types), I could have sent them all home and been the cool guy, but it was against our SOP to release anyone until every weapon was accounted for. So we waited while I lit up every cell phone and radio net in Washington state to get Specialist Dumbass to bring his weapon to the arms room. Don’t succumb to peer pressure and make a decision to look cool.

Don’t have a zero defect mentality.

Throughout the 1990’s, when the Army was mostly in garrison for years at a time and we had little to do but have meetings and come up with sadistic details for troops who got extra duty. A pervasive attitude of “zero defects” emerged. If everything wasn’t perfect, then you were a shitbag. This was especially true at the company commander level because every company had to report stats like reenlistment, PT, weapons qualifications, USR, maintenance, exorcisms performed, blah blah blah. If the Battalion Commander saw one statistic from your company that was off, then your command mysteriously ended prematurely. It was stupid and we finally came around to realize that things break and shit happens. Having perfect stats only meant you were hiding something or fudging the numbers. It is simply unrealistic to expect your subordinates to be perfect. Instead, expect them to handle leadership crises correctly. When Private Snuffy sets his barracks room on fire, does Sergeant Smuckatelli handle it professionally or does he sit on his ass and throw a coat of paint on it? When Specialist Jones can’t figure out how to clear a weapon jam, does his Squad Leader show him or ignore him? Subordinate leaders must be willing and able to deal with issues quickly and efficiently instead of expecting them to never happen. Judge your subordinate leaders by how they deal with situations, not that they let one happen. Many times it’s out of their control.

Have the moral courage to speak up.

You’re in a meeting. Someone says, “let’s have a Battalion testicle licking contest” and everyone agrees. Before they get up and leave, if you don’t protest the group consensus and refuse to taste sweaty balls, then you’re a weak sycophant. That’s bad juju for an aspiring leader.  If you’re present when a bad decision is made, then you’re part of the problem. You can’t be a mousy, quiet guy (or gal) who lets others walk off a cliff without stopping them. This is especially true of Executive Officers. A good Company or Battalion XO simply MUST tell his boss when he’s fucked up. As a Battalion XO I had a Commander who was always late to meetings. The entire Battalion staff and commanders would wait for him well past the start time of every meeting. Finally after being 30 minutes late one day I pulled him aside and told him how he was wasting an average of 10 man hours a week by making everyone wait for him instead of working in their offices or training troops. Telling your boss he’s wrong is always never fun and I expected a Bloods versus Crips throwdown, but I was right and he knew it. In the end nothing changed and I learned that some people go right back to their bad habits (think Kirsti Alley and Weight Watchers), but I did the right thing.

Support your chain of command even when you don’t want to.

No matter how stupid a command decision might seem to you, you are bound by UCMJ to follow it unless it’s illegal or jeopardizes the safety of your troops. If the Battalion Commander orders everyone above the rank of E5 to be qualified as Tugboat Captains, then get a bright orange life vest and let your stomach grow until it droops over your dungarees. Support it and deal with it. The last thing you should do is announce your displeasure over a command decision to your soldiers. Let’s say a Company Commander suddenly tells you that he wants to see higher weapons qualification numbers from your platoon and tells you to add more range time to your calendar instead of training on the tasks you feel are more important. First outline in plain facts to him why you disagree (without using the words nefarious and Assholian). But if he won’t change his mind, turn around, move out and do it. Under no circumstances should you go back to your platoon and tell them what a douche he is for forcing you to go out to the range instead of work on CQC or convoy planning. Keep it to yourself and support your chain of command.

Support your troops even when you don’t want to.

Sometimes you have to endure personal embarrassment to support your troops. Smile and deal with it. I had an NCO who insisted on putting the company through Tae Bo for PT one day. I agreed to it and for an hour we were the laughing stock of Fort Stewart. Every platoon in the brigade ran by throwing mock kicks and limp wristed punches to mock us as we danced to a Billy Blanks CD. I felt like Bill Clinton caught with an intern (wait…that might be the cool part of being President), but I stood in the back of the formation giving it my all because he insisted it was a good workout. It wasn’t and we never did it again, but for sixty minutes I supported him the best I could.

Bitch in private and praise in public.

Some people think it’s an effective learning tool to embarrass a soldier in front of his peers in order to get him to change his negative behavior. Those people swear Tupac is still alive and think sex can last more than eight minutes (Crazy talk!). All it does is ostracize the problem soldier from the rest of his unit. Don’t get me wrong, soldiers who need an attitude adjustment should get one from an NCO named Spartacus who has prior convictions and emotional damage, but it should always be behind closed doors. Likewise a troop who deserves a pat on the back should get it in front of his peers as publicly as possible.

Sometimes fighting is alright.

Elton John was right. I had three troops go out on the town one night. Soldier A (drunk) insisted on driving Soldier B (drunk) and Soldier C (sober) home. When Soldier A refused to give up the keys to his car, Soldier C knocked him clean out and drove them all home safely. I gave him an Army Achievement Medal for looking out for his buddies.

Get Kelly’s book, “Title Shot: Into the Shark Tank”, at RangerUp.com

We’ve received more than a handful of emails from people asking us to post our thoughts on leadership – mostly from seasoned NCOs who want us to use our powers for good instead of evil (at least every once in a while).

This is a tough one for us to write, because in some ways it starts with the position that we are qualified to teach leadership.  I mean you can go to the store and literally buy hundreds of books on the topic of leadership from real war heroes that should be dead a hundred times over, general officers or sergeants major who have a lifetime of service to the nation, or even business leaders, coaches, or politicians who have made a real difference in the world.  Hell, a lot of the guys that read this site have been to combat four times or more by now!  Candidly, we felt that posting an article on leadership would be more than a little presumptuous.

Nevertheless, the emails have continued coming in – as a result, I posed this dilemma to one the NCOs in the Ranger Up Militia.  “Why should we tread on ground that so many great leaders have already covered,” I asked.  “Simple,” he replied, “You won’t write it with the intent of making yourself look like a big deal, which means someone might actually listen.”

His logic was hard to argue with, so we drew straws and for this one you’re stuck with me.  I’ve decided to write it from a platoon leader’s perspective, because no one needs more help than a 2LT, but hopefully most of my comments transcend all levels of leadership.  So here goes:

Nick’s Rules on Leadership

1) Don’t be a douche.

I am dead serious.  Nothing pissed me off more than watching some wannabe tough guy treat his people like shit and then hear someone say “that’s his leadership style”.  NO-GO.  I fully admit there are a lot of ways of running a unit, but the foundation of leadership is integrity and love for your people.  You can be hard and have high standards, but you cannot treat people like their existence is to serve you, amuse you, and accelerate your career.  That is not a leadership style, it’s an ego trip.  Get over yourself or you will find yourself getting a wood line attitude adjustment .

My first boss was a hard ass.  We had the best trained unit in the Brigade because he was always pushing for additional training.  On the surface of it, one would argue he was doing everything right.  When one of my NCOs found out his mother was dying, the commander actually tried to convince him that he shouldn’t go see her, because his guys needed him more.  This was pre-9/11.   He was willing to trade one of his men’s last moments with his mother in order to minimize the risk that his unit might get a slightly lower grade on the training exercise. Instantly, everyone realized that all his training wasn’t to take care of us at all – this guy was really just a spotlight Ranger. His actions led to my first counseling by the Battalion Commander, but that is a different story.  In short, don’t be a douche.  

2) Your guys are more important than your career.  

This ties in nicely with my last point, but it is worthy of its own bullet.  You’re all going to be civilians someday, no matter how much you love the military or how long you serve.  Years from now, the fact that you made Colonel or Sergeant Major won’t erase the fact that you threw some unsuspecting subordinate under the bus to avoid punishment, and it certainly won’t remove a stupid decision you made based on pressure from above that got someone killed or injured.  Every leader I’ve ever respected has been willing to stand in the Gates of Fire when it mattered.  If you’re not willing to do this for your people, be honest with yourself and quit.  Join corporate America – you’ll just annoy people, not get them killed, and you’ll make more money.  Everyone wins.

3) Be good at your job.  

Every day you should be working your ass off to be technically and tactically skilled (note I didn’t say proficient – you need to be better than that).  You should be asking questions, reading, practicing, and training.  You can be a super-nice dude or dudette who loves your troops, but if you don’t know how to train them, lead them, and they aren’t ready for combat, you are a colossal failure.  If you look deep inside, you’ll know the truth of where you are in this regard.  Either fix it or quit.

4) It’s not your platoon.  

Imagine you’d been doing a job for 12-15 years and grew so good at it that you were chosen ahead of others to lead 40 men into combat…with one caveat.  You’re not actually in charge – some kid young enough to be your son is in charge…and you have to train him… but he rates you.  You couldn’t make this shit up, right?  When you’re walking into that platoon, appreciate the fact that you’re not the badass here.  You, like your men and your platoon sergeant, have a job to do, and it is your job to do that as best you can.  Acknowledge their experience and allow them to help you grow.

Towards the end of my time with my first platoon, my platoon sergeant and I were a team to be envied.  We had figured out who was going to do what and we had each other’s backs.  He had been very “anti-PL” over the last few years (I was his fourth platoon leader), but decided to give me a chance when I shook his hand for the first time and said, “SFC Stewart – it looks like I’ll be spending a year or so in your platoon.  Thanks for having me.”  I’ll give full credit to my dad, a former NCO, for that one but it was my firm intent to let him know I needed to learn and that I respected his position and sacrifice, and our men benefited as a result.

5) It is your platoon.  

We were at CMTC getting ready for our field problem.  I was at an OPORD and my platoon sergeant had everyone in the bay cleaning equipment.  Two of my new soldiers got into a fistfight over something stupid (one of them fancied himself a rapper and the other one felt his rap sucked – damn eighteen year olds).  My platoon sergeant punished them by having the entire platoon outside in the mud wearing all of their recently cleaned equipment.  He was smoking the ever-loving shit out of them when I rolled up on the scene.  Spotting me, he made the motion to stay back (this was NCO business).  So I hung low and watched from a distance so my guys couldn’t see me.  Just then Sergeant Major Chickenhawk rolled up – the same Sergeant Major that I hated and had recently outlawed this kind of “hazing” because it was politically expedient to do so.  He grabbed my platoon sergeant by the shoulder and started digging into to him in front of my guys.  I ran over and told the CSM that this was my platoon and that he could have the conversation with me.  He told me that this was NCO business and I responded that my platoon sergeant was acting under my command with my permission to discipline the men.  He walked me over to the battalion commander.  They had me don my gear and do mud PT to “show me” how it felt.  Well – you can’t smoke a rock.

Yes, your platoon sergeant has more experience.  Yes, he can run circles around you in a lot of areas.  Yes, he should probably be in charge over you – but he isn’t.  You are, and anything that happens or fails to happen in your platoon is your responsibility.  Furthermore, in this scenario, I had a great platoon sergeant and I agreed with him.  But not all platoon sergeants are good and not all good platoon sergeants are always right – you need to trust your own judgment and execute accordingly, even if it means pissing your PSG off.

6) Don’t lie, ever, for any reason.  

This isn’t grade school.  Your actions matter.  If you fuck up, admit it as soon as possible, even if you think it’ll hurt your career.  The team cannot work on a solution until they know the truth, and this is one of the few jobs in the world where lies can get people killed.  Furthermore, the military, for all its faults, is one of the few places on earth where honest mistakes are actually forgiven.  Conversely, it is one of the few places where lies are extravagantly and brutally punished, and rightly so.

7) You make mistakes – admit them.  

Don’t be that guy.  Your men don’t expect perfection.  They expect you to strive every day for perfection.  You’ll be wrong a lot.  Fess up, get over it, get their feedback and drive on.  They will respect you infinitely more and they will trust you for it, as opposed to committing themselves over and over again to proving, quite creatively and to everyone’s amusement, that you are often wrong.

8 ) Leader is not equal to BFF.  

I loved my guys.  I still love my guys, even though I’m very far removed from being in command.  Many good-intentioned leaders make the mistake of believing that being a great leader means never having your guys be upset with you and hanging out with them all the time.  There’s nothing wrong with taking your platoon out for a night on the town.  There’s nothing wrong with socializing with guys when you bump into them at a bar.  There is something wrong with passing out on your PV2s couch at 3AM.  Once you become “one of the guys”, you’re no longer their leader, and they need you to be in charge a lot more than they need another buddy.

9) You’re not the smartest guy in the platoon.  

A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that because they have achieved a certain rank, or have a certain degree; they are in some way superior to the others in their unit.  In my first platoon alone, I had 7/20 privates or specialists with college degrees – one with a master’s degree.  One of them was literally a genius, having maxed out the MENSA (weak-ass organization, by the way) test.  You’re not in charge because you’re the smartest or most talented or anything else – you’re in charge because you signed up to be the LT.  Don’t act superior, because you aren’t – just do your job.

10) You can never quit.

You don’t have to be the fastest runner, or do the most pushups, or be the best at combatives, or be the best shot, but you can never quit.  The second your guys see you give up, you’ve lost them.  Period.

11) You are not the focal point of your subordinate’s lives.

They don’t spend their nights thinking about you, your speeches, or your goals.  They have wives, kids, girlfriends, bills, friends, and problems.  Acknowledge that – your men are not here to serve you.  They’re here to serve your country.  You’re here to serve them.

12) But your subordinates watch everything you do.  

Just because they don’t live their lives around you, doesn’t mean you’re not important to them.  If you lie, they assume it is okay.  If you quit, they assume it is okay.  Your actions, not your mission statements, speeches, codes, creeds, etc. will set their standard of behavior.

13) Get your boss’s back.  

Everyone wants to be in charge…until they are there.  We all think we could do a better job than our boss – sometimes it’s very true and sometimes it isn’t – but as long as he or she is working hard to take care of your men and complete the mission, you owe it to them to ensure they succeed.  You’ll be there someday, and you’ll find that despite your best efforts, you are very fallible.

14) Have a sense of humor.  

You will be tested.  When I came on board my first platoon, my guys tried to get me with every snipe hunt in the book – PRC-E8, keys to the indoor mortar range, box of grid squares – you name it.  Skillfully, I held out for three weeks, until that day in the motor pool.  In formation, the motor chief announced that today was the day that everyone had to turn in vehicle exhaust samples.  Promptly, the motor sergeants disseminated to each platoon a vehicle exhaust sample kit, which included labels, sharpies, and garbage bags.  My guys grabbed the bags, turned on their vehicles and began throwing the garbage bags around the exhaust pipe, filling it, then promptly tying the bag off and labeling it.  This just didn’t seem right – all the more so when they asked if I wanted to help get samples.  I balked.  They guilt tripped me.  Finally, even though I was at least 25% sure I was being had, I filled a bag with exhaust and started walking to drop it off at the motor chief’s office.  Sure enough, they snapped about 2000 pictures of this jackass 2LT running around with a bag of exhaust.

They got their laughs and busted my balls about it.  We were about to head to an 18-hour computer simulation exercise.  Immediately afterwards they had a room inspection with all their gear laid out.  They, of course, had done this the night before, knowing they’d be going right from the exercise to the inspection.

As all the guys moved to the simulator, all the officers got called back to the bays for the OPORD.  When I came back, I asked them, “Don’t you guys have an inspection tomorrow?” 

“Roger, sir” they responded. 

“Man, it’d suck if someone dumped everyone’s gear into one huge pile and then covered it in baby powder, wouldn’t it?” I asked.  

Their faces dropped.  They fucking hated me.  I had gone way too far and clearly was getting back at them for the exhaust sample thing.  For the rest of the exercise it was hard to get anyone to talk to me – even my platoon sergeant was edgy.

The exercise ended and we all came back to the bays – they knew they only had an hour to salvage the inspection.  When they busted into their bay, they found that none of their stuff had been touched and was in perfect inspection mode.

“Sir, you are a fucking dick!” my platoon sergeant shouted.  

“Why’s that sergeant?” I asked.

“You said you dumped all our shit out on the floor and covered it in baby powder!”

“No, sergeant – I said it would suck if someone were to do that.” I smiled.

I could take it, but I could give it back too.  There would be no more fucking with this LT.

15) Do the right thing.  

This is the last and perhaps most important aspect of leadership.  I am a big believer that in almost every single case, people know the right course of action.  The bigger question is whether they have the courage to make the right decision, even when making that decision could be personally harmful.  Decide now to always be a force of good.  Don’t justify away indiscretions.  Don’t sell out.  Your life will be easier, your men will respect you more, and you’ll sleep at night.  More importantly, you won’t start down that slippery slope towards being one of those leaders that will do anything to get ahead. We all want to think we’re the next coming of Patton or Eisenhower.  No one thinks they are a bad leader, but it doesn’t take much to get there and it happens incrementally – one little lie or moral concession at a time.

We’d like to introduce you all to Big Tobacco, a vet currently deployed in Iraq, and one of the best writers we’ve found in the blog-o-sphere. As luck would have it, he was willing to write for RU and we’re happy to have him.

This is his fourth (I’m going to stop counting very soon) article for Ranger Up and it ranges from being useful to grossly inappropriate to usefully grossly inappropriate and we love it.

Big Advice From Big Tobacco

By

Big Tobacco

I wrote this while smoking a Rocky Patel “The Edge.”

I scan my email inbox:

I’m asking for your advice. Anything you can tell me about what I should (or shouldn’t) bring as far as creature comfort items, gear, what have you. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be or what my living conditions will be like, so I’m trying to cover all the bases.

It isn’t often that I get a chance to help a fellow NCO anymore, so I think about this soldier’s request. I look over at my wall locker and see a pile of useless gear.

This is my second deployment, but it was totally different than the first. If I knew six months ago what I know now, how would I pack differently? What would I do differently? How would I train differently? What would I want to know if I were deploying to Iraq?

If you are National Guard, odds are you will do the crappy jobs that the active Army doesn’t want to do: ECPs, FOB security and convoy security. You will never kick in a door or use a lick of Arabic. So put down the Blackhawk X-TREEM gear catalog right now. You won’t need any of it. Tell your commander to put down the FM 7-8, he won’t use that either.

Personal Stuff to Bring:

#1. Laptop. 

You don’t have a laptop? Do you churn your own butter too? Put down the damn buggy whip and go out and buy one. Laptops are essential when you are in country. Your laptop will be your only outlet to the world. It will be your entertainment center, your source of pornography and your communications device. Don’t buy a huge or expensive laptop that requires a carrying case. You don’t need a giant laptop to send email and the Air Force loves to screw with soldiers who try to get on the plane with more than one carry on. Keep the laptop under 14 inches in size and under $500, so it will fit in your assault pack and if it breaks, you won’t be that upset.

2. Thumb Drive, Headset, DVD ripper and External Hard drive.

Thumb drives are the real network of the military right now. You will need it to get Power Point classes from the instructors during train up and exchange and funny movies with other soldiers. Get a headset so that you can videoconference with your family using Skype. It’s free and works most of the time. Buy software to rip your DVD collection and put the collection on your laptop. This beats carrying around that giant case of DVDs and you will be able to share the movies with your friends. Finally, buy a small, palm-sized external hard drive that runs on USB power. You will need this for…

#3 Pornography. 

Pornography is prohibited under General Order #1. Uh… anyway. Take your external hard drive and load it up with as much porn as possible. Much of the internet in country is blocked and extremely slow. The days of downloading a 74MB Bukkake video on a whim are over for the next year. So take as much porn with you as possible and load it onto your external hard drive.

#4. PT Gear and extra shoes.

This will be your only attire for walking around off duty in Kuwait or Iraq. You will also need it when you walk to the shower. Take at least 4 pairs of shorts and t-shirts. This way you will have one for PT, one to walk around and sleep in, one in reserve, and one in the wash. Your shoes will get sweaty and they won’t dry very fast in the frigid air-conditioning of the tents in Kuwait, so bring an extra pair of shoes to walk around in while sweaty sneakers dry.

#5. Civilian clothes. 

Eventually, you are going to want to wear something other than PTs or ACUs. Bring one or two T-shirts and shorts to sleep in. I’ve found Ranger Up t-shirts to be the most preferred item for this list. So buy one or two Ranger Up t-shirts and make a statement in your room while you sleep. If you are a female, bring silly pajama bottoms and a tank top to sleep in. Sooner or later, you will want to feel like a girl again, so also bring one or two pairs of girly panties as a change of pace to your boring issued underwear. I’ve talked to a number of females and they’ve all said the same thing: you can’t wear cosmetics or jeans, so wearing a nice pair of girly underwear once in a while will help you stay sane.

#6. Scotch tape and a stapler.

No, I’m not kidding. If you are in a leadership position, bring scotch tape and a stapler. You will need this stuff to post bulletins and staple counseling statements.

Equipment to Bring:

#1. Buttstock magazine pouch. 

When you are walking around the FOB, you will have to carry a weapon and one magazine. Yes, you can put your magazine in your lower leg ACU pocket, but the rounds will keep smacking into your leg and this will get old fast. Also note that when you wear your PTs, you will have nowhere to put the magazine. Get a buttstock magazine holder, or better yet, get your supply sergeant to order them.

#2. A pistol shoulder holster. 

If you are issued a pistol, odds are that supply will also give you a drop-leg holster. You will feel cool walking around with it for a while and then it’s going to start chafing your balls. When you are walking around in PTs, the leg holster will look extremely gay hanging off of your PT belt. Do yourself a favor and get a shoulder holster for walking around the FOB and leave the drop-leg holster for real-world missions where everything else is chafing your balls anyway.

#3. CATs.

Have supply order as many Combat Application Tourniquets as they can. When you get them, take them out of the plastic and size this to your largest extremity (this is usually your thigh, not your head). Practice putting on the CAT with one hand. Make sure all of your soldiers know how to do this as well. Put one CAT in your bottom calf pocket and one in a shoulder pocket on the opposite arm. You can bleed to death in two minutes. The CAT will save your life.

#4. An armband ID holder.

Ok, it took me a while to get over this because I feel that they are extremely gay, but they are highly useful. Normally, the only things you need to carry around the FOB are your ID, your Eagle Cash card and maybe your laundry ticket. If you try to carry this stuff in your PT pants, they will fall out, leading to all sorts of crappy repercussions. Just buy the damn armband holder and wear it. You can always put it in your pocket when you wear your ACUs.

#5. PT Belt, extra laundry bag and small LED flashlight.

When you are in Kuwait, you will have to wear a PT belt sashed around your shoulder at night whether you are in ACUs or PTs. Most PT belts are too short to be sashed, so they will be very tight and probably cut off the blood to your brain… which is probably how officers came up with the idea for wearing the belts anyway. So buy a good PT belt that is long enough to be sashed or buy two PT belts and connect them together. Get an extra laundry bag. You’ll need it to hold new dirty laundry while your bag is being washed by contractors. Turnaround time is usually 3 days, so your laundry will build up. Finally, buy one of those small quarter-sized push-on LED flashlights. The lights cost less than $10 and are useful for when your roommate is trying to sleep and you need a little light to find your cum sock.

#6. Seatbelt Cutters.

The odds of getting blasted have decreased, but the odds of rolling over are still the same. Have your supply sergeant buy 4 seatbelt cutters per vehicle. Tape one to each side of the radio mount. Tape one to the back of the front seats so the backseaters can get to them. If you rollover in water, you will die. So practice your rollover drills.

Equipment You Don’t Need:

#1. Basically don’t bring anything that says “Tactical” “xTREME” or “Spec OPS.” You don’t need a dump pouch. 99% of you aren’t going to be shooting anything, much less changing magazines. Don’t buy $150 ballistic sunglasses. The $20 issued UVEX glasses work just fine and you can always buy more lenses cheap when your lenses get scratched up. You don’t need a gangsta grip or a bipod. The days of kicking in doors are over. If you have a red dot sight, tactical light or a PEQ-4 or PEQ-15 put two AA batteries and a lithium battery inside the deadspace of your pistol grip and tape it up with grip tape. That way, you’ll always have an extra battery if you need them without spending $60 for an eXtREME BlackHawk SPEC Ops Ranger MaXimum Gear Tactical buttstock.

#2. Expensive boots.

I’m kind of iffy on this. If you are on your feet at an ECP all day, buy the boots. Your feet are worth it. If you are going to be in a Hummer or sitting at a desk, just wear your issue boots.

Train up on:

#1. CLS.

Every swinging dick and every swinging clit needs to know how to start an IV. Get everybody CLS qualified. You don’t need fluid to practice your sticks, you just need catheters. This is a great for downtime training, it builds camaraderie and it teaches a valuable skill. You might never fire your rifle, but anybody could get mortared. Do you want your privates to run away in fear or stop you from bleeding to death? Get everybody CLS qualified.

#2. Everyone needs to qualify on the M240B. 

When you get in country, you will suddenly find yourself with a shortage of gunners. People will go on leave, or privates will get pulled for other missions. Qualify everybody on the M240 so that anyone from the commander to the cooks knows how to use that machine gun.

#3. Everyone needs to learn how to drive the M1151 and M1114.

Driving an uparmored Hummer is a lot different than driving an M998. Your best chance of losing somebody is not from small arms fire or an IED but from a rollover because the driver was a retard. Like point number 2, get everybody from the commander on down qualified to drive. As people go on leave, you will experience a shortage of drivers, and at least soldiers can fill in where needed. Run your soldiers through HEAT (Rollover training) as many times as the instructors will allow. You might never get blown up, but someone will roll over.

#4. Commo. Your commo guy can only be in one place at one time and he usually isn’t in that place when you need him. Everybody needs to learn how to program a SINCGARS radio and learn how to fill the radio with an ANCD or SKL. If you don’t have any idea what I am talking about, you are already behind the curve. Learn how to do those things now and then teach your soldiers. If your privates are scared to talk on the radio, make them do it until they lose their fear.

#5. Warlock/Duke Listen and take notes when the Navy gives you a class on the Warlock & Duke systems. When you get in country, find out where the CREWs (Counter Radio Electronic Warfare) maintenance personnel are located and get your slutty female 74D to suck their dicks. This will make them your best friends. You will need them when you can’t figure out why your box is dead.

Don’t bother training on:

#1. Roadmarches. You will never roadmarch anywhere in Iraq. You will drive everywhere in Iraq, or you will take your armor to work and leave it there for the day. Roadmarching will not help your men do anything. However, roadmarching will give your soldier torn up knees, screwed up feet, and probably place them in the TMC making them miss valuable training that they need. If you want a quarter of your soldiers in the hospital and fail validation due to numbers, by all means, roadmarch them. If you want the maximum numbers to deploy, come up with a light PT plan that will slim them down but keep them whole.

#2. FM 7-8. It’s not 1985 anymore. Get over it. You will never clear a trench or knock out a bunker. It’s not 2006 anymore. You will never clear a house. That’s the active Army’s job. Get back to your ECP and shut the fuck up for the next 12 months.

#3. Clearing weapons. Put an end to this stupidity now. Nobody will walk around on the FOB with their weapon in Amber status. For some reason, people at the mobilization station think that they do. Walking around with blanks in your rifle to “practice” unloading only sets people up for failure and embarrassing moments when people discharge blank rounds into a clearing barrel. You may go Amber or even Red at the ECP, but never, ever when you are walking around the FOB.

#4. Arabic. You will never talk to an Iraqi. If you are talking to an Iraqi, he is on the FOB for a reason and probably speaks pretty good English. “Kif” (stop), “Imshee” (go away) and “Shukran” (thanks) are the only Arabic you will ever need to know if you do. Anything else is time wasted that could be spent in drivers training.

As I finish this, my cigar is smoked down to the nub. A couple over to my right in the smoking gazebo is flirting with each other and I really have to pee.

I hope that you take this advice to heart, but… you’ll probably be sent to Afghanistan anyway.

BT