The New Year is upon us and it is time for Ranger Up’s New Year’s Resolutions.

While we don’t have them all ironed out yet, Tommy and I have firmly committed to defattifying ourselves.

Now it isn’t that we’re grossly out of shape and except for one drunken moment where we considered gorging ourselves for months in order to qualify, we’ve never considered applying for “The Biggest Loser”. We both can still easily make the Ranger five-mile time of 40 minutes and our combined bench, dead lift, and squat score is still north of 1000 pounds, but time away from active duty and consistent Jits/MMA competition has made us well…a little too squishy for our liking.

And it isn’t just that we’ve let our girlish figures slip (I think I am getting a muffin top). I found myself gassing a little too early when I grappled or running a little slower than I liked and Tommy failed to max the PT test for the first time in ages, coming in at a 286 in his guard unit. His Fran and Cindy records on Crossfit also slipped by 2-3 rotations.

Of course, it didn’t help to have Tim Kennedy walking around with his eight-pack, a constant reminder of what we once were (okay, maybe not, but we at least had the top four to six), but we’re busy dudes and we can’t really work out three times a day like professional athletes or two times a day like we used to in the military.

Tim has too many abs and we hate him for it.

So what’s a couple of chubby military t-shirt makers to do?

Enter P.R. Cole, or “The Pixie” as she is affectionately known, owner of FueltheFighter.com. Cole is the premier nutritionist in MMA, writing for Fight! Magazine each month, supporting such fighters as Tim Kennedy, Frank Trigg, Kenny Florian, Phillipe Nover, and Jorge Gurgel with personalized nutrition programs, and, if the rumors are true may end up with her own TV segment in the near future. As if that isn’t enough, she is also a seasoned gymnast and muay thai practitioner, and holds something like 107 degrees from Columbia University. When she started working with Tim, we wondered “What could she possibly do for him?” Well, he actually grew four additional abs, so he now has a twelve pack, which is just bullshit. In short, she is more than qualified to help the likes of Tommy and I get a little less fat.

Graciously, even though she is the busiest woman alive, she offered to build programs for us. We think she is doing so because of our incredible charm and good looks. Others claim that it is because I went to school with her brother and she pities us. You decide.

They key here is that this isn’t a diet. I was a wrestler. If I wanted to weight 135 tomorrow, I could probably pull that shit off. The plan is to fundamentally and permanently change the way we eat. My theory is that if it works for workaholic/alcoholic freaks like us, you guys ought to try it too.

Progress to Date

So here’s the deal. Tommy has been at it for 9 weeks. At 5’ 6” he has gone from 174 to 159. He wants to hit 155 before he starts building more muscle with an eventual goal of landing at a very solid 170.

I started ten days ago, so there is a lot of work to be done! At 5’8” I weighed in at 209 and as of last Friday (weigh day)was at 204.5. I want to drop down to 185/190 depending on body fat percentage and then add lean muscle and land at 195-200.

We will post updates every week or two because it will shame us into committing.

What’s In it For You? (Other than laughing at us)

1) We work better when we have other goals, so we’d like your help coming up with our other resolutions. Ideas on the table from friends: Run a marathon (time TBD), Actually try to get belted in Jits and get our Blue Belts from Tim Burrill (a tall order at Tim’s), Lift X, Win X Judo Tournament or Y Jits Tournament, Accomplish Random feats of Crossfit Awesomeness, etc. If we pick your resolution (and yes, there will be some voting involved once we vet the top ones) you’ll get a $50 Ranger Up Gift Certificate.

2) We need workouts to keep things interesting, and we’re so busy that we pretty much work out at RU or run and that’s it right now. At our disposal at RU: tons of kettle bells, a sledge hammer and normal-sized tire, a bench press, deadlift area, squat rack, lat pull down machine, pull up bar, dip bar, thai bag, and jits mats. We’ll pick one workout every week from the comments section here, our facebook group, or from email (nick@rangerup.com) to knock out. If we use yours, we’ll mention how it went in our updates, give you credit for life, and send you a free t-shirt.

Nick and Tommy getting their hair done before their PR Cole diet began.

The guys at Ranger Up know stuff, and from time to time we’ll try to pass on our cauldron bucket thumbnail of knowledge to you in the form of a Top 11 list. We’ll all take turns churning these babies out. For example, if you wanted to learn how to be curmudgeonly, then Crigger would take it. If you wanted to learn how to be genetically superior to everyone else and not realize that no matter how hard we try we’ll never touch your crossfit times, then Tim would take it. If you want to learn how to be loud, obnoxious, and did I mention loud, then Tommy Batboy will be all over it. If you want to learn how to work with a bunch of assclowns, then Garrett will write it. Well, you get the idea.

The Topic: How to get into College

Why you care: It’s never a bad idea to get some more school in (unless you’re one of those freaks that can’t do anything in real life and just collects degrees as if that somehow makes you a contributing member of society and/or smart) and with the economy sputtering a little, it’s the perfect time to set yourself up for success. Many of you also have GI Bill benefits. Use them!
Why you should listen to me: I went to two schools conventional wisdom says I should not have gotten into. When I was at Duke, I helped out with admissions conducting tons of interviews of prospective students, so I’ve seen how bad people are at it. Also, being around the selection process gave me a window into know how admissions looks at students and how they rate them. Also, I have helped twelve people apply to top schools. Eleven listened to me. Eleven got in. In short I am undefeated. Finally, I know how to translate military success into academia-speak.

The Top 11 Ways to Get into College

11. Plan ahead big time. Doing an application is not something you should knock out in a day or even a week. You need to complete recommendations, essays, and standardized tests, as well as prepare for interviews. The best thing you can do is target the very first application deadline for the schools you want to attend and plan backwards about three months from that date.

10. Apply to multiple schools. This is really important, no matter where you want to go, but especially if you’re hunting for the high brow, secret society, rich kid schools. Just because you have great grades, think you’re the shit, and really, really, REALLY want to go to Harvard, doesn’t mean they give a rat’s ass. There are thousands of kids just like you, so not only do you have to put together an awesome application, but you have to catch an admissions officer that a) likes what you have to say and b) is in a good mood. Unless you cured cancer or something, you’re not all that cool. Hedge your bets.

9. Test scores and grades aren’t everything. A lot of people were just okay or even bad in high school, then served in the military, found a whole lot of discipline, and are ready for college, but are worried that they can’t get into the schools they want because of grades or SAT scores. A lot of people that have a college degree already have the same concern when thinking about grad school after military service. Here’s the deal: Grades and Test Scores aren’t that important and they aren’t that unimportant.

First the bad news. If you scored only the minimum SAT score allowed by writing your name on the paper and you got everything else wrong, your aspirations for Yale are probably a long shot. Conversely, if you maxed your GMAT with an 800 and had a 4.0 GPA that doesn’t mean you’re money, either. When I applied to business school, there were forums everywhere where losers told everyone how awesome their scores were and how they’d only accept Harvard or Wharton because they were so good. Then they’d be crying because they didn’t get in. That’s because they were giant douchebags and the world generally unfolds as it should.

Now the good news. Every school has a listed average (unimportant) and middle 80% (very important). A school’s average SAT score might be 1400, but their middle 80% is 1500-1050. You want to be as close to the average as you can, but being in the middle 80% is really key. Your military experience is not easy to replicate that and admissions people know that. You just can’t make it too hard for them to say yes by being the 1%. Regardless, no matter how bad your score is, apply. Make them decide, don’t quit on yourself. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised.

8. Understand the premise of peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter candidates are the people that have the right grades, the right experience, the right jobs (if it is graduate school), etc. Think of them as the sure thing. They are the people the school knows will come in and get good grades and go get a corporate job and climb the ladder and finish out their careers as the VP of whatever and call it a day. Then there’s jelly. Jelly candidates are the guys who have done a lot of crazy shit in their lives and don’t necessarily fit into the mold of the school, but admissions is considering them out of sheer, morbid curiosity. They are the people that will get a great corporate job, climb the ladder, hate it, quit, and start a t-shirt company and hence, give their mom a near heart attack.

You want to be both. The good news is that if you served in the military you already have the jelly (but you can still add interesting hobbies and travel to spruce it up). Hell, if you’re a recent vet, you’re probably hanging on 2-3 deployments already. You don’t need much more jelly. What you need to do is show your job and responsibilities in the service actually took brain power comparable to what your civilian counterparts were doing. If you’re applying for undergrad, too easy, they were getting drunk. If you’re applying for graduate degree, you need to highlight the analytic, problem-solving, and leadership aspects of your jobs. Mortarman? You were using physics to calculate the precise location of high explosive impact. One screw up and people died. Quartermaster? You were engaged in a multi-national logisitics campaign as a key member of the world’s largest supply chain. You had to deal with international regulations, HAZMAT, language barriers, and the fact that the supplies you were delivering directly contributed to the success of the mission. Infantryman? You had to deal with language issues, public works problems, and police issues all while understanding and balancing the needs of the various sects in the area you were patrolling, and by the way, at any point you could be in a firefight. Try topping that stress with a PowerPoint presentation in front of the boss…

7. Understand stereotypes. Everyone carries stereotypes. Some are good and some are bad. You want to reinforce the good and minimize the bad. You are never going to change them (e.g. convince them that the military is not what they think) but you can prove to them that you are an exception to the rule. In the case of the military, the positive stereotypes tend to be: disciplined, calm under pressure, leader, and team player. The bad stereotypes tend to be: automaton droid, not creative, overly aggressive, needs a hierarchy to succeed.

To combat this, tell stories in your essays and interviews that showcase how far from the stereotype you are in the negative department, and reinforce the good stuff with stories that highlight those attributes.

6. Develop themes for your application. Applications work best when you pick themes to build around. Only you know what you want to highlight, but as a blueprint for a military guy or gal, I’d think about things like: leadership, teamwork, initiative, and intelligent risk-taking. Whether you’re writing essays or sitting in an interview, think about these themes as you frame your answers.

5. Write good freakin’ essays. If it wasn’t for the essay, I’d be screwed. Essays are the one chance you have to plan exactly what you want them to hear and make sure you tell them exactly that. You personally may not be a great writer, but every one of you knows at least one that will edit for you. Work on this until they kick ass. Edit the shit out of them. Let other people edit the shit out of them.

I am a big believer in telling first-person stories for at least one or two of your essays. We have the backgrounds that allow those stories to be really cool, and after reading a hundred essays that day about dealing with a challenging coworker at IBM or a mean boss at Morgan Stanley, what admissions officer isn’t going to perk up a little when the essay starts, “The explosion threw me a hundred feet, but I was okay, and more importantly, my rifle still worked”? Okay, a little dramatic, but you get the point.

4. Just because you know Michael Jordan, it doesn’t mean he should write your recommendation. Admissions officers have this weird code of honor. They don’t like to think they are being beaten into accepting someone because they know someone important, and actually “rage against the machine” when this happens. It’s fun to watch them get riled up and bitch about it.
So, if you didn’t work directly for Mr. Jordan, then he shouldn’t be writing your recommendation. Pick people that know you well, that you are CERTAIN really like you, and who you believe will put in the work to make sure they are good. Recommendations are the least important part of your packet, because for fuck’s sake, who out there can’t find someone to right something positive about them, but they can hurt you if you hand them to the wrong person. Ideally, the person should be a competent writer (look at your NCOER or OER as a starting point) but real passion for your success is most important.

3. Kick ass in the interview. When you interview (or write essays for that matter), use the STAR format. STAR stands for situation, task, action, result. What was the situation you were placed in? What task did you get assigned or did you take on for yourself? What actions did you take towards the completion of that task? What were the results of your actions?
Sounds easy, right? I’ve sat through hundreds of interviews at Duke and in corporate America before I started doing Ranger Up fulltime (we just make people pass obstacle courses and hazing rituals for employment). People suck at it. Bad. Real Bad. The funny thing about that is that everyone considers themselves a brilliant interviewer. You’ve all heard it. “If I could only get to the interview, I’ll get the job, because I’m great at interviewing.” You’re not. You suck at it, just like everyone else.
The interview is not about answering the questions or about being friendly. It’s about showing a history of success, showing that you will succeed here at school, showing that you will then graduate and succeed some more, and that you aren’t an asshole that will be miserable to work with. Seriously. Admissions people would outwardly argue with this fact, but it’s the God’s honest truth. That’s all there is to it.

The best way to do that is to use the STAR format and to stick to your themes. Don’t rush to answer the question. You’ll have multiple answers for any question, so think about which answer will best help you.
Example:
Question: Tell me about a time you were placed in a stressful situation and how you reacted.

Bad Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad and we got ambushed. I fought through it and killed everyone, then hung their severed ears from my neck. Later, the guys and I played soccer with the heads of one of the bastards!

Good Answer: I was walking down the street with my squad when an angry mob approached us. We were a little antsy as the day before we had been ambushed, so I was acutely aware that my guys might overreact. I grabbed my terp and walked directly towards the leader of the mob, making sure I pulled my hands off my weapon to seem less aggressive, even as I gave my team leader the order to do what was necessary the second it turned ugly. By doing this, I kept the mob away from my squad so they would have the standoff to engage if necessary while the interpreter and I determined what the problem was. Come to find out, they were simply angry because a tank had knocked in the side of a house. I was able to put a work order in to get it fixed and ended up having a very strong relationship with the village elders as a result, who began trusting us and passing information on the insurgents in the area. Had I not kept my cool, there was the possibility that this situation could have turned very ugly, and we certainly would not have garnered the positive relationship that we did with the village.

2. Make sure the school is right for you. People put a lot of effort into trying to get into the “right schools” but often don’t ask if the school is actually right for them. Research the school. Ask questions in the interview. Odds are that if you hate everyone you’ve met, you will not enjoy your experience. You’re the one that is going to pay these clowns a veritable orgasm of money to go to their institution and get their degree. The application process is not a one-way street! Make sure they are going to give you what you want.

Additionally, researching the schools will help you write better, more school-specific essays, as well as frame intelligent questions that show the admissions folks how much you want to be at THEIR school, not just any school. Schools are businesses just like any other, even though they like to pretend that they really do it all to serve the greater good (Harvard pretty much owns Boston and Brown pretty much owns Providence, but they get tax exemption for serving the greater good. WTF, over?). The only thing they hate more than accepting the wrong candidate is accepting the right candidate and losing them to another school (one of the school ranking criteria is yield which equals number attending divided by the number admitted). In short, be ready to highlight why school X is THE school for you.

1. Show them a history of success. When you think about this one, schools will annoy you. Sorry. Schools want to bring people in who don’t need them at all. They want to take hardworking, smart, successful people, stamp their brand on them, and then ship them out to go continue to be successful, and then have those successful people send them money later. Do you think Harvard teaches different shit than Umass Amherst? Do you think Stanford teaches different shit than UCLA? Same shit, folks, but they have marketed so well over time that all the super successful freaks want to go there so they feel good about themselves. Companies, in turn, want to hire the freaks that came from them so they feel good about themselves. It propagates a vicious cycle. So you want to fight that cycle, right? Fuck no! Convince these people that you’re a huge success and that they need you. Then do the same in industry and get the right corporate job.

Then quit that job and make t-shirts.

Good Luck!

Most crackheads are politically left-leaning liberals, so your first line of defense is to distract him by pointing suddenly and yelling, “Look! Oprah!” When they turn around, smack his pipe to the ground with your Ninja grasshopper hand strike (be sure to make a Bruce Lee “Waaaa” screech for effect). Most crack pipes have glass bowls (David Caruso tells us), so once his whole world shatters he’ll be on his knees begging to perform a rusty trombone on you for new pipe money…or shoving a shiv in your face. Could be either. Unfortunately this tactic only works on the Darwinian dolts of the crackhead community because even addicts know that Oprah doesn’t slum around in back alleys unless she’s mongering her way through Wolfgang Puck’s dumpster again. So don’t count on this getting you out of your jam.

Before you can enact the backup plan, you must quickly determine if the crack head is currently cracked up. If so, you’re in luck. Crackheads are only one step away from death when they’re on the rock, so if he’s recently fired up, he’ll be hyper-vigilant, irritable, anxious, panicky, and more paranoid than Phil Hartman’s wife. When you factor in the heart rate of a crackhead is eighteen times that of a thoroughbred, he’s a powder keg just aching for your flame. All you have to do is flick your Bic. It’s well documented that crackheads are like Justin Timberlake at a rave when the beats start thumping, so whip out the boom box and get your Riverdance on! Five minutes and his heart will burst faster than Brittany Spears staring down an oiled-up backup dancer.

If he’s clearly not on the rock (easily discernable by his rude disdain for your personal space and persistent boner) no problem. When not firing up, crackheads experience deeper depression than a Brando family reunion. Go for the jugular of self loathing and make him question his reason for living. Exploit the fact that he’s a strung out addict doomed to a life of disappointment who couldn’t get hired picking the underwear out of a fat man’s ass and he’ll reenact the implosion scene from Scanners. Stand back so you don’t get hepatitis shrapnel on your club shoes.

Your emergency plan is to go in the opposite mental direction. If the crackhead grabs a common object, like a cat, and approaches you menacingly, quickly proclaim, “It’s not your fault you’re a drug addict, it’s the Government’s!” Within seconds you’ll be inundated with every mundane conspiracy theory from ‘The EPA is letting aliens use my brain for experimentation’ to ‘Walt Disney’s was a crossdressing CIA operative who funneled Afghani opium through Mickey’s anal cavity!’ This soft sell has a drawback because your inadvertent use of therapeutic soothing will probably end up with you making a friend for life. A crackhead wanting to be your personal bellman doesn’t exactly win you friends on Wysteria Lane.

As a reformed squid, people always ask me why I chose the Army over the Navy when I made the decision to leave behind civilian life and come back to military service. Often, I am left muttering to my other personality, twitching uncontrollably, and wondering the same thing myself. After a few brief moments of self reflection, however, I usually come out of my trance and offer some semblance of a reason. Some folks can’t quite wrap their minds around the idea that I would choose the Army over the Navy, and usually they have some pretty valid reasons why they think I made a huge mistake.

“Why didn’t you go back into the Navy? Army life sucks!”

Typically, the aforementioned “Army life sucks” comments are bracketed by the stuttering that comes with sleeping in the cold, eating cold MREs, and waking up at 0300 for watch. When you are dealing with someone who is currently enduring this level of suck, it’s hard to argue your point. When these comments come from a place like Iraq or Afghanistan, you are fighting a losing battle. It doesn’t help my argument when most Navy bases are surrounded by sun, beach, and bikinis, and there is a very alluring, certain “Hollywood” that goes with being in the Navy. Aircraft carriers, submarines, and Navy SEALs. All very cool.

After three years of civilian life, I had to make a choice. Army vs. Navy. The only real possibilities I had in the Navy were as a Supply Officer or a Navigation Officer, not exactly my first choices. But it wasn’t the branch choices that made my decision so hard; it was the essence of Army life versus Navy life. And so, without further ado, I present to you the top five reasons to “Go Navy” and the top five reasons to “Leave Navy.”

Top Five Reasons to “Go Navy”

1. Port calls. This one is too easy. Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel. Basically, anywhere awesome. What exotic locals will you visit in the Army? Iraq, Kuwait, and Afghanistan. No contest.
2. The JAG factor. The Army has a long way to go to match wits with the Marines and Navy in the media. Coolest military recruitment commercials = Marines. Best recruitment exploitation in the movies and television = Navy. This one really is a no brainer. Top Gun, A Few Good Men, Navy SEALS, JAG, NCIS. Don’t get me wrong, there are some GREAT Army movies, but they don’t seem to become pop culture like the Navy movies do. Who sings, “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling?” Is it Tom Cruise or The Righteous Brothers? If you had to think longer than half a second on that one, you just made my point.

3. Everyone wants to visit a carrier. Politicians, athletes, movie stars, and musicians all flock to see Aircraft Carriers when they are in port. They really are that cool. From sitting presidents and mega-stars to that guy from the movie “Speed” whose convertible Keanu Reeves uses while chasing the bus, they all want to visit.
4. Port calls. Did I mention Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Australia, Japan, and Israel? Israeli girls are wicked hot. (Side note, Israeli Army chicks = Hot Ranger Up girls, just an idea…)
5. Annual Army/Navy game. I know all the West Point graduates are seething in rage as I say this, but come on, Army football sucks. The only great football player to come from West Point since Pete Dawkins is….wait for it….wait for it….crickets….

Top Five Reasons to “Leave Navy”

1. The Dining Facility. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, segregation still exists in America today. On Navy vessels, you have one chow hall for E-6 and below, the Chief’s Mess for E-7 through E-9, and finally the Officer’s Mess. No mingling allowed, enlisted DO NOT eat with officers, and officers are not allowed in enlisted messes.
2. Staterooms. Cram 120 Sailors into a space that would normally fit 20, stack them in bunks three high, stuff their belongings in the very limited space under their mattresses, and you have the enlisted berthing area. Take a room that w

ould fit about 20 Sailors, provide spacious beds, desks, and wall-lockers, and you have a two-man officer’s room. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
3. Priorities. In the Army, officers and senior NCOs eat last, go on pass last, and are (supposed to anyway) first in when the day starts, and last to leave when the day ends. This is the complete reverse order in the Navy. On port calls, the most junior Sailors on the last one off the ship, and the first ones back on. They have the longest lines for haircuts, PX (NEX) access, and chow. Officers and Chiefs have head of the line privilege for all the aforementioned items.
4. Bathroom segregation. Yeah, back to the segregation thing. Separate bathrooms for enlisted and officers. To completely pour salt in this wound, junior Sailors clean the officer bathrooms.
5. Uniforms. In the Army, I get to wear ACUs and dress blues. In the Navy, I had dungarees and “Cracker Jacks.” This is another one of those no-contest-why-did-I-even-bother-to-compare items.

There you have it, top five reasons to go/stay Navy. If you are ever faced with this situation yourself, please feel free to print out, and use this article for your own decision making process. Or, feel free to simply print out and put on your dart board. Either way, I hope it’s helpful.

Have your own reason to Go Navy, or Go Army? Post it below!

And that’s his weakness.

It takes a lot of rum, buggery, and the lash to keep 2000 space seamen in order, especially when you’re on a FIVE-YEAR MISSION into unknown parts of the galaxy (apparently earth in 2250 is run by vindictive and horny Jodies). Kirk doesn’t leave anything to chance, so you won’t find him rolling chicken bones to determine the outcome of a situation. He’s a walking billboard for a methodical strategist wracked with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Good for you because OCDs fear change and freak out like Amy Winehouse at a Guiness factory tour when anything is out of order. To defeat the legendary Captain who defiled the wrath of Khan, you have to get him out of his comfort zone, and I don’t mean his private harem of Orion slave girls on the holo-deck. 

Step 1 – Start off with some simple psyops from outside striking distance. Kirk thrives when he has the time to listen to his enemy’s monologue and digest it. But when the conversation jumps to ludicrous speed, his internal wiring shorts out. Guzzle a Red Bull like you’re Popeye downing spinach and let your tongue go like a Mexican boxing announcer. Not being able to comprehend his foe will plant the seed of doubt in his mind and make his OCD compass spin like he’s caught in a drunken dizzy bat race. He’ll feel the situation slipping out of control, which sets conditions for your success. 

Step 2 – Kirk is too manly to use a phaser, so don’t worry about disarming him. Throw a quick punching combination to distract him while closing the distance and secure a muay thai clinch with both of your hands behind his head. But instead of throwing knees into his soft underbelly, take both of your hands and toss his perfectly coiffed hair like it was a prison salad. Step back and prepare for the implosion. Like a cat in a microwave, Kirk’s internal pressure will build to critical mass until he makes a Jackson Pollock painting of his nearby surroundings. Seek shelter before his flying man-ass shrapnel splatters your Oakleys. 

When the fight is over and the arena is festooned with his innards, take his harem of Orion girls as your concubine and show them how we roll earth style. 

Copyright 2009 Kelly Crigger

Being an eighties heartthrob, JC has no concept of a ground game. But getting him off his feet is difficult because he’s slipperier than DB Cooper (you thought I was going to say Georges St. Pierre). The guy walks around in a perennial alcohol-induced sweat and sex oil funk because of his affliction-he’s the poster boy for Viagra, a major horn dog, an addict of the nubile young flesh if you will. 

JCVD has been through more wives and STDs than Elizabeth Taylor and Dennis Hof combined. The studly waffle-eater is a renowned humper who couldn’t spell E.D. let alone know what it means (true story-he once got an erection on live TV. Look it up). It takes more than a mere frontal assault to get this guy on his back, so you have to use his raging libido to your advantage. 

Step 1 – Keep a playboy centerfold inside your jacket. When Van Damme approaches, whip it out and say this:

“Yo, Van Damme. Name the month.” 

“Ah…Miss September 1984. I had my finger in a dyke and was just learning the secrets of being a chocolatier…’”

While he’s reminiscing about his favorite nanny, Helga the Butt Licker, throw a low roundhouse kick and sweep him off his feet. Be wary of his cat like reflexes and abnormally freaky split. He can drop down under a kick faster than a French maid can avoid a bar of soap.

Step 2 – Once on the ground quickly douse him with a bag of baking soda to negate his greasy exterior. Don’t go for the mount. Although it’s effective in finishing 99% of all humans, Van Damme can instantly flip you off of him with his powerful third leg. Get to side control, soften him up with knees, and then finish him with a bone-snapping, far side kimura. 

If this strategy fails, revert to the old backup plan-Filipino twins whose only English words are “Dirty Sanchez.”

But for all of his super bad-assery, even Norris knows the sting of kryptonite, and it’s not a broken Total Gym. He simply has no ground game. “It’s boring,” he once admitted while giving a thinly veiled compliment to MMA. “[MMA] fighters have become so proficient at the ground-and-pound and avoiding submission holds that it’s boring.”

Oh really, Colonel James Braddock? Just for that crack I’m going to expose you like Tara Reid’s right breast.

Step1 – Close the distance. Norris’ striking ability is legendary. He allegedly sued NBC for naming a show Law and Order because he’d already patented those words for his left and right legs. If you stay within his punching range then make sure your coffin is silk-lined for a pleasant trip through the afterlife. With a human weapon like this, you have to get in close and work for a takedown. But therein lies the problem. Norris’ belt buckle doubles as a Roman shield in case he has to defeat an entire Greek Phalanx while shooting Missing in Action 6. It’s also bright enough to start campfires eight miles away. Ordinary men drop to their knees before its opulence, screaming “Oh God! My eyes!” Your best bet is a pair of those cool 1980 glacier glasses to keep from being permanently blinded. Might as well make a fashion statement.

Step 2 – Once you get close, grab either a single or double leg and take him down. Now he’s in your world, provided your world is lying on top of another man and violently exerting energy on him. Unleash your ground and pound and forget submissions. The man who scared the Soviet Union into quitting would never dare tap out. If you’re inside his guard, go for the overhand right. If you manage side control, start dropping short elbows, but be careful. He’s short stature makes it easy for him to rip his beard off and use it like sandpaper in your eyes. Just another way the glacier glasses will protect you.

Emergency Backup Plan – If all goes wrong and you can’t manage to get the star of “Top Dog” off his feet, then go for the Muay Thai clinch. Once there grab his hat and use it like a hockey jersey. Pull it down over his face and swing away while he’s blinded. Just be careful not to rouse Chuck’s little brother, Aaron, who lives in his hat.

Bonus Points – As if kicking Chuck Norris’ ass wasn’t enough to get you inducted into the Mayhem hall of fame, you get bonus points for ripping off a handful of chest hair and blowing it back in his face. Only the great Bruce Lee was able to accomplish this feat of hyper masculinity. 

Before you spring into action, look around the cabin for an Air Marshall (hint-he’s usually in a suit, has a close haircut, and got on the plane before everyone else). If he’s there he’ll whip out his Barretta and blast the poor bastard. If not, time for you to get your hero on. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security advises you to reach a non-violent, peaceful end to the standoff. But let’s be honest, if you’re reading this then you’re not exactly the “peaceful resolution” type are you?

Step 1 – Corner him. Hijackers usually head to the front of a plane to take over the cockpit (duh), which greatly limits his mobility and does half of your job for you. Block the aisle with your body to trap him against the front door and don’t let him get away.

Step 2 – Get backup. No matter how many weights Hous bin Farteen has lifted, he’s no match for three pissed off cornfed Nebraska boys forced to ride in coach. Hell, even four first class martini drinkers have enough body weight to overwhelm the mightiest rice-eating terrorist. Count to three (in English so he doesn’t understand you) and rush him. Disarm and sit on him until a kinky stewardess can use her dominatrix skills to tie him up.

Contingency Plan – Should asshole hijacker take a hostage, be cool. Your best bet is to wait him out and be long winded. Discuss all the things you hate about America and try to be convincing, which is easy if you’re a liberal. As long as he has all of his attention on you and his hostage, then he’s not hijacking the plane and the pilot will put it down safely. Then bum rush him. If he stabs the hostage, oh well. At least the other two hundred and something people are saved. Just look at it as Darwinism in action. The herd will be stronger.

Emergency Backup Plan – In the completely likely event that you can’t muster enough Americans to back you up, find an Israeli. They usually have experience with these shenanigans. No Israeli on board? Whip out the Krav Maga knife disarming move. Thrust one hand into the hijackers throat while simultaneously using your other hand to block his arm when he slashes or stabs at you. This will impact his breathing enough for follow-on strikes while protecting your vital organs from his knife.

Bonus Points – After you’ve subdued Grabir Boob’e, get some booze from the plane’s galley and pour it in his mouth, thus violating the Koran and eliminating any chance he might have had of entering heaven and getting his 72 vestial virgins. Bang the kinky stewardess just to rub it in.