We sponsor MMA fighters. Lots of MMA fighters and the list keeps growing. But we don’t just put our stuff on anyone. To be a member of Team Rhino you have to have served in the Armed Forces of the United States honorably. It’s one of our ways to give back to the troops. If you’ve dedicated part of your life to your country and want to pursue your octagon dreams, we’ll help. Meet our team.

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Tim Kennedy
Service: Active National Guard
Pro Record: 11-2

Tim is the Captain of Team Rhino. He grew up the second son of three children in a Christian family in San Luis Obispo, California. As a youth, Kennedy’s mother placed him in cooking and piano lessons. To offset her influence on him, Kennedy’s father enrolled Tim and his brother in shooting schools, boxing lessons, wrestling teams, and Japanese jiu jitsu classes. Tim began competing in sanctioned mixed martial arts fights while still in college, but after graduation he joined the United States Army, enlisting in the elite Special Forces in 2004. However, he continued to compete in MMA while serving as a Green Beret.

When the Army instituted a service-wide Combatives (hand-to-hand fighting) tournament in 2005, Kennedy entered and won the tournament in the light heavyweight division. He achieved this goal three years in a row. Tim was assigned to the 7th Special Forces Group from 2004-2009, where he served on Operational Detachment Alpha’s and with the elite Commander’s In-extremis Force (CIF) for 4 years. During this time he was also a sniper, sniper instructor, the principle combatives instructor for C Company, 3rd Battalion, 7th Special Forces Group. Kennedy deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom multiple times[4]. Among Kennedy’s multiple awards is the Army’s Bronze Star medal, which was awarded for valor under fire.

Tim began his martial arts training at Dokan School of Martial Arts in Atascadero, California under Terry Kelly and Barry Smith. He began his MMA training in 1994, training with Chuck Liddell, Jake Shields, Gan McGee, and John Hackleman at The Pit in San Luis Obispo. Kennedy first started fighting in 1996 and had 31 amateur fights, amassing a record of 30-1 before his first professional fight in 2001. In 2003 he entered and won a one-night tournament at Extreme Challenge 50, winning three fights. He then fought for the now defunct International Fight League in 2007, but did not fight in 2008 due to deployments overseas. He returned to mixed martial arts in 2009 with a win over Nick Thompson at ShoMMA: Strikeforce Challengers in Kent, Washington.

Fun Fact: Tim is a really good shot. At an Army Sniper tournament he shot Oprah’s mustache off of her when she wandered onto the range.

Check Out Tim’s Website>>

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Tim Credeur
Service: Former Navy
Pro Record: 12-3

If the nickname “Ragin Cajun” wasn’t so passé, it would fit Tim Creduer like Blue Steel fits Derek Zoolander. Born and raised in Lafayette, Louisiana, Credeur saw UFC 2 with his dad and set a goal to become a UFC fighter on the spot. Unfortunately he was fourteen at the time and Louisiana wasn’t exactly bustling with MMA activity, so his octagon dreams were put on hold. After graduating high school, Credeur enlisted in the Navy to serve his country, get money for college, and…become an MMA fighter. Really?

“I figured if I got based out of San Diego I could learn MMA there,” he says. “So I joined up as a sonar tech on the destroyer, USS Milius. I enjoyed being in the military, but when it was time to get out, I did.”
But not before getting his education in MMA first. While in San Diego Credeur took Gracie Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai and sharpened his skills until opportunity knocked and he was given a chance on The Ultimate Fighter.
Why we like him #1-He knows the meaning of ‘salt of the earth.’ “I worked my whole life in a Cajun restaurant,” Credeur says. “My dad has been a Cajun chef for forty or fifty years and I always shucked oysters or cleaned dishes for him. I’ve cleaned stacks and stacks of dishes in my life!”

Why we like him #2- Only one of his fights has gone the distance. In his first fourteen fights, NONE went to a decision and ten of his twelve wins didn’t make it out of the first round. Like the high school cheer, dude is A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.
Why we like him #3- His whole corner, including Forrest Griffin, wore our Roman shirt during his fight against Nick Catone at Ultimate Fight Night 18 even though they didn’t have to. Talk about customer satisfaction.

You can get the shirt he wore at Ultimate Fight Night 18 here>>

Check out Tim’s ship, the USS Milius (DDG 69)>>

Fun Fact: Tim was the first BJJ black belt in the state of Louisiana. His standing as a voodoo high priest had nothing to do with it.

Check Out Tim Credeur’s Website>>

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Jorge Rivera
Service: Former Army Cavalryman
Pro Record: 17-7

Jorge “El Conquistador” Rivera has been an MMA fighter since 2001 when it was still a backwater sport and he had to drive from Boston to West Virginia to find a fight. Talk about dedication. Since then he’s racked up an impressive record of 15-7 with notable wins over David Loiseau, Dennis Hallman, Edwin DeWees, and Kendall Grove. Of his seven losses, three were to top ten fighters in Anderson Silva, Rich Franklin, and Martin Kampman. Few middleweights in the world have faced stiffer competition.

Rivera was a member of The Ultimate Fighter season 4 and trains out of Sityodtong Muay Thai academy in Somerville, Mass with Mark DellaGrotte, Kenny Florian, and Marcus Davis. But before all of that Rivera was cleaning mud out of tracks as a 19K Armored Cav Scout with A/1-70 Armor at Fort Polk, Louisiana. He helped move the unit from Fort Polk to Fort Hood, Texas before his enlistment ended in 1991.

Why we like him:

#1 - He’s never had a fight fail to be televised. No matter how many times the UFC puts Rivera on the undercard, his fight always makes it to TV because he’s so damn exciting. If you haven’t seen the beatdown he gave Kendall Grove, Google it.
#2- He volunteers to visit troops overseas. Rivera just got back from a trip to Korea where he gave an MMA seminar to soldiers and then visited the DMZ. Ask him about the Bridge of No Return. He can tell you all about it.
#3- Before a fight he shaves his head with a huge blade like a Mongol. How can you not respect that?

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Brian Stann
Service: Former Marine
Pro Record: 8-3

Brian was the 2nd Mobile Assault Platoon leader with Weapons Company when everything started happening during his very first operation. From May 8-14, 2005, he led his men into battle, where their mission was to seize a bridge near Karabilah, Iraq. Three different times, he negotiated four kilometers to maintain their position from enemy attacks. However, on the third time through, the enemy had set up an ambush for the Marines. Although ambushed, Brian called in close-air support and direct fire from tanks while taking on over 30 rocket-propelled grenade attacks, multiple machine guns firing, and improvised explosive devices (IEDs) detonating.
Brian was in a 360-degree fight and was setting up casualty evacuation points after they were hit by suicide IEDs. All of this would not have been possible if it were not for the hard work of his men in the sheer face of danger, explained Brian.
“He [Brian] has great strength of character and endurance, which was shown when everything happened over a week and he kept on going,” explained Major General Richard Huck, 2nd Marine Division’s Commanding General, shortly after presenting Brian with the Silver Star. “It doesn’t even capture all that happened.” Brian stated afterwards, “This award represents my guys. It’s an insight to what my men did over there. There were a lot of our guys who received awards from our group when we were out there, not just me. You can forget all the other medals. I just wanted the award that said 42 out of 42 men came home safely,” he further explained. “And we all came home, so mission accomplished.”
During Brian’s next tour in Iraq, he called a fight promoter and clamored for a shot at the mixed-martial arts world. The promoter took a chance on him and Brian did not disappoint earning a first round knockout in his very first fight. Another promoter took notice and quickly signed him to a deal with World Extreme Cagefighting. During his first fight under their banner, he earned another first round knockout, this time in just 16 seconds, the fastest knockout in WEC history. He now fights in the UFC and recently avenged his first loss by defeating Steve Cantwell. Brian recently left the Marine Corps and took a position with Hire Heroes-a non-profit organization who helps servicemen and women find jobs.

Visit Brian’s Website>>

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Kris McCray
Service: Army Reservist
Pro Record: 5-0

Soldiering is in Kris McCray’s blood. The son of a First Sergeant, McCray’s first language was German because his family was stationed there for most of his life. Kris and his brothers all followed in their dad’s footsteps and joined the Army, either on active duty or the reserves. Kris is currently the boxing and grappling instructor at Gold Medal Grappling in Woodbridge, Virginia and sports a professional record of 5-0 and an amateur record of 9-0. When he’s not cutting through opponents in the cage, he’s slicing up cows, chickens and whatever else goes into hot dogs. His day job is a butcher, but when he’s fighting, his nickname is “Savage.”

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Damien Stelly
Service: Active Army
Pro Record: 10-3

Damien “The Omen” Stelly is an up-and-comer in MMA. Stelly is a true product of the Modern Army Combatives Program and is out to prove that Army Fighters are the world’s best. Damien, currently a Combatives Instructor at the Modern Army Combatives School at Fort Benning, Georgia, previously served with the 3rd Ranger Battalion. In addition to long walks on the beach, flowery gardens, and butterflies, Damien enjoys making people bleed their own blood. It is his fervent wish to fight Chuck Norris because when water hits Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.
Fun Fact: Damien grew up wrestling and entered a Pankration tournament to see how he would do. He won. The whole thing.

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Andy Chapelle
Service: Active Army
Pro Record: 11-3

Infantryman. Ranger. Ass-kicker. Ginger.
What we’ve learned from our friendship with the often mild-mannered Mr. Andy Chappelle is that no matter how quiet they are, red heads are REALLY angry dudes deep down. In all seriousness, Andy is one of the best 155s out there. To put him into perspective, after spending a day at George St. Pierre’s camp and doing some rounds with GSP himself, he was invited to joing the camp permanently as he challenged everyone he went up against. Andy is a great fighter who never plays for points. You’ll love watching him fight.

Fun Fact: Andy can toss a beer bottle eighty percent farther than most men can toss a midget.

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Lee Gibson
Service: Former Army Ranger
Pro Record: 12-3

Born just 2 weeks shy of Centennial day (July 4th, 1976 you patriotically challenged people), Lee is from the wrong side of the River for us Kansas Jayhawks. Lee has 5 sisters and a brother who he fights with like the Gallagher Brothers from Oasis. “He’s a douche bag,” Lee admits. His wife is from Norway and her name is Ingebjorg. That alone makes us quiver with anticipation that someday she’ll be a member of the Ranger Up girls squad. He somehow convinced her to forsake Norway for Kansas City and married her in Vegas. He therefore falls into the RU Nick category of charm skills. This brings us to the first reason we like him – He took a fight on Nov 20th. His wife is due to give birth on Nov. 24th. That means he’s brain dead, so he can’t really be hurt in the cage. That’s our kind of guy.

Lee wrestled in high school and won state in Florida where his old man lives and he would spend summers when not with his mom in KC. Got to respect a guy who can give you a wedgie and get out of town before you pull your jock out of your ass.

Lee joined the Army right out of high school and served in the 2nd Ranger Battalion where he was trained by the Gracie family. Disenchanted with the Clinton Administration’s misuse of the Regiment, Lee got out of the Army to get rich hunting for the legendary treasure of Captain Jack Sparrow as a commercial diver. He attended a dive school in Seattle for 8 months, got certified, and got a job in…Morgan City, Louisiana. We say again-brain dead. Lee finally tore himself away from the Cajun Louisiana Voodoo and moved back to KC to be a firefighter, boxer, and bull rider (apparently he was a Ritalin kid). About 3 months into that he got bucked off and stomped on, breaking some ribs, collapsing a lung, getting a chest tube, and almost losing his job at the Fire Department. He finally showed mental capacity and hung up his spurs (though Ingebjorg sometimes wears them…oh mama!) and got into fighting. He was briefly a pro boxer with a 5-1 record when the Jiu Jitsu bug bit him along with his partner, the amateur MMA bug (for God’s sake, douse your bed for bugs, dude!). Then Sept. 11th happened and Lee felt the call to duty (one huge reason we like the guy). He joined the 19th SF Group and made it through the Army’s biggest gut check-Special Forces Assessment and Selection (SFAS-also referred to as the School For Advanced Suffering).

But suddenly that freaky Geico stack of cash showed up at his door. After accidentally stepping on it, he was selected by a private Army…er, security company…called Triple Canopy to be a mercenary…er, security consultant…and deployed to Mosul, Iraq. After 3 tours in theater, Lee returned to the US and went back to pro MMA fighting. He racked up an 11-3 record, but ran out of money and ended up back in the private security business…in Nigeria. Another reason we like him-he prefers Iraq to Nigeria. Like Forest Gump, Lee refers to that period by saying, “Dude that sucked. That’s all I have to say about that.” After another trip to Baghdad and a transfer to a new private Army with better time management skills, Lee finally had the time to get back into MMA in between trips to Douchebagistan. He currently trains with Tony Fryklund in Kansas City and occasionally with Joachim Hansen when visiting his wife’s ancestral fjords in Norway.

Fun Fact: Lee Gibson has very bad karma.

Witness:
1. He won a 4-man lightweight tournament in Vegas but when his demands for M&M’s in his dressing room WITHOUT brown ones went unheeded, he channeled Bruce Lee and Judo chopped the entire executive staff. They’re now out of business.
2. He once won a lightweight belt in a promotion with the gayest name ever – The Titan Fighting Championship. They’re gone now.
3. He fought for Elite XC.

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Brandon Sayles

Not many people have to cut forty pounds to make the heavyweight limit of 265 pounds. But our newest fighter, Brandon Sayles, has a pituitary gland issue and entered the Army at 170 pounds before blowing up to 290. Good thing he’s six foot five and can carry that weight around without being called out. The bad thing is, we at Ranger Up only make XXL sized shirts, so we couldn’t find one big enough to fit him when we agreed to sponsor him! That’s Incedible Hulk Lou Ferigno big! That’s Tim Kennedy ego big! In other words, Brandon is a massive freakin’ dude, so if we ever need Tommy Batboy tossed like a midget in a carnival, he’s our man.

Although we’d like to think Brandon is the runt of some freakishly huge Samoan litter, he’s actually Hawaiian and marks BJ Penn as one of his influences. His wife’s cousin’s brother is Rudy Valentino’s friend from a car wash gig, so Brandon is in tight with the Penn crew and wants to represent Hawaii like Mister Baby Jay (that’s BJ Penn’s moniker in case you didn’t know). Now it’s time to make fun of Brandon like every other Team Rhino member.

Brandon has no idea what a farm looks like, but eats more than the average American farmer can produce in a week. So does Brock Lesnar, although Brock prefers to kill his dinner himself.

Brandon deployed to Iraq in 2008 with 3rd Brigade, 3rd Infantry Division. Until that time, Iraqis had no translation for the word Sasquatch. Now they do.

Brandon played basketball in High School until his presence on the court became cost prohibitive to the State of Hawaii. He scared tourists away from Diamond Head when they swore it became an active volcano. It was actually just Brandon’s stomach growling.

MMA is just a hobby to Brandon. How many people do you know that list ‘breaking limbs and using them as Q-Tips’ as a hobby?

Brandon made his professional MMA debut in Columbus, Georgia and won via TKO. Congrats Big Sarge!

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Sam Rauch

Service: Former Army Ranger
Pro Record: 5-2

You would think a semi-professional steer wrestler has, at some point in his life, gotten drunk with his buddies, jumped an electrical fence, and tipped a cow. Sam Rauch apparently missed that day in gym class. That’s a strike against him in the Ranger Up book of awesome, but since he’s a former Paratrooper with two combat tours, we’ll sponsor him anyway.

At age 16, Rauch was ranked sixth in the state of Montana for steer wrestling (that’s the one where you chase a calf, jump off your horse and crank his neck around until he’s staring freakishly at the heavens above and falls over from shock). But Rauch wasn’t like the other kids in his neighborhood. While everyone else was using ultra-trained, uber expensive horses to grapple with juvenile bovines, Rauch was from the other side of the tracks and had to borrow his mounts. That resourcefulness is one reason we like him.

The other reason is he’s responsible. While most of us at Ranger Up take pride in being slobbering drunks, Rauch encourages high school students to abstain from drinking (we had to look up the word abstain) and driving. “It’s called Mariah’s challenge,” Rauch says. “About two years ago, a girl (Mariah McCarthy) was killed by a drunk driver. She was my soccer coach as a kid. Her dad started Mariah’s Challenge to get high school kids not to drink, so I try to use my fighting to help raise money for it.”

Raised in Butte, Montana (does a river run through it?), Rauch served four years with the 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, and had two combat tours of duty-one in each theater. After his ETS, he moved to Broomfield, Colorado and started training MMA when a buddy introduced him to it in 2003.

We had to ask, “Is there one thing you want the Ranger Up faithful to know about you?” His answer-“My wife wears the pants in the family. I try to play it tough, but she calls the shots at the end of the day. Maybe that’s why he’s never been cow tipping. She hasn’t given him permission yet.

Learn more about Mariah’s Challenge here

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Adam Castaneda
Service: Active Navy
Pro Record: 5-0

Influenced by Rampage Jackson, who fights because he likes to whoop someone’s ass and not go to jail for it, Adam Castaneda is the quiet, Mister Spock type who suddenly explodes in a violent rage when threatened. That makes him a dead ringer for a serial killer. Thankfully he’s suppressed his inner sociopath and confined his rage to the cage. That’s our kind of guy.

Adam started wrestling in high school and continued wrestling at Sierra College in Rocklin, CA while studying to be a Swiss Chocolatier. To defend himself against a local vanilla gang, he took Judo and earned a brown belt while living in a college dorm. Adam then took BJJ under Cassio Werneck and embarked on an MMA career at Team Shamrock 2000 in Lodi, California.

In January 2001 he joined the Navy because living with men underwater for long periods of time sounded so much more appealing when the recruiter described it. Actually Adam’s father was on a Destroyer Escort during Vietnam & his brother serves on submarines so his raging sibling rivalry led him to join up as a deep sea diver just so he could say his schlong was mas mejor.

Why we like him – Adam was once stationed in Oahu where he specialized in ship husbandry, which sounds somewhere between bad porn and beastiality. During this time Adam went on a walkabout in the Hawaiian outback to discover the mystical secrets of five (or seven, whichever he found first) animal ninja death claws, but only found The Burning Man circus instead. His consolation was training BJJ under Marcelo Rodriguez and earning his purple belt while winning a few grappling tournaments.

Adam now calls SUBASE New London (Connecticut, not Canada) home where he devotes most of his time to MMA and watching Dora the Explorer with his 3 daughters, a female dog, and a gay fish. That’s the other reason we like him – he falls under the Michael Jordan Y-Chromosome Principle. Never heard of it? It’s simple – there is a direct connection between elite athletes and daughters. Don’t believe us? Justify – Arnold Schwarzenegger – 2 daughters. Lance Armstrong – 2 daughters. Bret Favre – 2 daughters. Fedor Emelianenko – 2 daughters. Bas Rutten – 3 daughters. Matt Hughes – 2 daughters. Terrell Owens – 2 sons. See?

The final reason we agreed to sponsor him is he bears a “separated at birth” resemblance to Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida. Seriously, he could be the fourth Machida brother, but it’s probably to his benefit that he’s not. The Machida’s are diehard believers in urine therapy.
Suddenly ship husbandry sounds cool.

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Todd Vance
Service: Former Army Infantryman
Pro Record: 0-1

Being a former Army Infantryman living in one of the Navy’s two biggest port cities is a sure prescription for paranoia and an superiority complex. Fortunately Todd Vance is a socially inept cyborg who was born without a sense of humor so he never notices when people are making fun of him. Okay, so that’s not true and in fact, he had to overcome PTSD after returning from Iraq like so many troops do. We’ll come back to that.
Todd’s was a typical Southern California kid. At 14 he fought tigers…or learned Muay Thai in a gym called Black Tiger, we’re not sure which. It was supposed to keep him out of trouble, but instead of turning into Daniel San under the nurturing tutelage of Mister Miyagi, he morphed into Johnny Lawrence from the evil Cobra Kai Dojo. Todd took his first amateur Muay Thai fight at 16 years old and amassed an amateur record of 11 wins and 1 loss in the Southern California area and Mexico.

His decision to join the Army right after high school surprised his parents since he aced his home economics classes and played a mean Pan Flute, but Todd knew this was the road to find his way in life. He was first stationed in Germany and became a member of the Boxing Team and later, an Army Combatives Instructor before making his way to Fort Lewis, Washington. As a Stryker Infantryman, he led a squad on more than 300 Combat missions in Iraq, some of which was documented in “My War” by Colby Buzzell.

When he returned from Iraq, PTSD bore down like Oprah in the mount and to help cope with it, he turned to MMA. We’d like to think Rhino Den stories made him laugh until the boogeyman went away, but we’re not that pretentious. His own inner strength and focus did that…with a little help from the therapeutic benefits of beating the shit out of defenseless pads.

Why we like him

– Todd weighed less than four pounds when he was born and had lung problems. So did Helio Gracie.

-In elementary school he’d get money to buy cookies by eating Rolly Pollys at a dollar a pop.
-He ate more cookies than Willy Wonka and was referred to for years as “that orange oompa loompa kid.”
-He drank Mickey’s Big Mouth in high school. Nice to know kids in California drank the same shitty beer as us kids in Kansas.
-In basic training Todd received a Costco-sized pack of Snickers and at them all in the latrine only to get busted by a waiting Drill Sergeant. Some guys get Snickers, some get big black dildos from their friends.
-Todd’s toughest sparring partner is his cat, “Hando.” Todd taught him to sit on his back legs and throw combos and counter punch. But apparently the frisky feline mistook Hando for Kato because he continually conducts linear ambushes on Todd all over his apartment…and wins.
-His scorching hot, live-in girlfriend has more combat deployments than him and is a former MP who embraces her handcuff and sweet pain side. Oh mama!
-Todd has the balls to admit he’s a fan of cheap white wine when he’s not training. Apparently six-dollar bottles of Chardonnay are good for the blood pressure!
-He single handedly got Pankration fights banned in the state of California by knocking out two opponents in the same night-one by flying knee and the other by leg kick. The Governator would later relent and reinstitute Pankration matches as long as Todd was his stand-in body double for Terminator 8, coming in March 2040.
-His favorite phrase is “That’s what she said.” His entrance music is “The Little Drummer Boy.”
-Todd helps others get over PTSD by being a peer counselor with the Veteran’s Administration. Team. America. Fuck. Yeah!

-The book and movie, “Dear John” were based on him. True story.

Todd’s Gym

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Alex Soto
Service: Former Army LRSD
Pro Record: 4-0

Most people go to Tijuana to engage in blackout drunken debauchery and end up with donkey stories and tongue burns. Alex Soto was born and raised there and couldn’t wait to leave. The Soto family immigrated (legally) to the US at their first chance so their kids could have an opportunity to get ahead in life. That lesson wasn’t lost on young Alex, so what did he do when he became a man? Join the Army so he could give back to his adopted country in its time of need after 9-11. That’s one big reason why we like him. The other is his unofficial MMA record. As a little kid in Tijuana, Alex once got into fights with ten different kids one after the other so they wouldn’t beat up his cousin, Carlos. He went 10-0 despite having no training in any combat arts. That’s the way to Ranger Up and deliver a bully beatdown!

A former Infantryman, Alex spent 4 years in the 25^th Infantry Division’s Long Range Surveillance Detachment, one of them in Afghanistan. While deployed, Alex got bored and read “The Tunnel Rats of Cu Chi” one night. The next day he volunteered to be the first one into an insurgent tunnel…until it suddenly collapsed and he ran like Usain Bolt for his life. Another night in Afghanistan, Alex was sleeping when a motor round hit his base. Alex jumped out of bed, grabbed a sniper rifle and ran outside in his tightie whities to shoot down the round. Apparently he thought he was a Patriot missile. That’s what she said.

Alex aspired to be a diver, but since there was no real training in that field in Hawaii, he returned to his hometown of San Diego and got a job training dolphins for the US Navy. They now find stuff in the water like people, mines, and Carmen Electra’s panties after she visits ships and “motivates the sailors.”
Alex has a Doctor Doolittle history of talking to animals. Besides the dolphins he trains, he has a cocker spaniel who told him to be an MMA fighter during a walk one day. So did the Son of Sam.
Alex’s translation isn’t always accurate. He once sent an email and spent the next year explaining that he meant to say, “I’m bilingual.”

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Micah Goss
Service: Former Army Infantryman
Pro Record: 1-4

How many times have you seen a professional athlete attribute all their success to God? Micah Goss thinks it’s alright to thank the Almighty for providing the strength to do his best, but a complete fallacy to think he’s going to intervene in a sporting event, be it football, baseball, basketball, cricket, or midget tossing. Divine intervention simply isn’t that cheap. That’s one reason we like him. He’s a spiritual guy, but knows God isn’t going to pull strings so he can slip a left hook and deliver a flying Bruce Lee knockout.

Micah is a former Army Infantryman who took part in the 2003 Iraq invasion with 1-10 Cavalry (4th Infantry Division) out of Fort Hood. Like another Team Rhino member, Lee Gibson, Micah also successfully survived Special Forces Assessment and Selection (SFAS) only to turn it down to focus his life on raising a family.
Also like Lee Gibson, Micah is brain dead. He left the service in 2004 and got a job climbing cell phone towers to install lines and antennas. Just for fun, he once climbed 1,175 feet to the top of the XM Radio tower in Atlanta instead of taking the elevator. Like we said, brain dead. But you have to admire his resolve. At no time during the climb did he beg for a leg massage and a latte. Props. Why else we like him -
-Micah lost his debut fight when he momentarily channeled Gegard Mousasi and delivered a huge, yet illegal upkick to his opponent. Instead of run out of the cage like Forrest Griffin, he stood his ground and said, “God should have told him to cover up.”

-Micah bleeds easily and lost two fights due to cut stoppages. So did Randy Couture.
-Micah has an extensive wrestling background and trains BJJ under the most renowned “old guy you should never fuck with,” Ricardo Murgel. Google him. His web page will submit you.
-Micah recognizes the old adage, “brain damage sucks” so he’s adopted the Lyoto Machida open palm, elusive style to avoid getting hit. His nickname has subsequently been changed to “The Running Bitch Slapper.”
-On Christmas day, 2003, Micah and his mortar crew fired rounds from a trash pit in Tikrit wearing only their underwear and Santa hats. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout or Uncle Sam’s gonna drop half naked mortar rounds on your ass from a compost pile. Greatest. Military. Ever!
-Micah currently runs a non-profit, faith-based MMA organization in Georgia called Faith MMA to take at-risk kids off the street and literally beat some sense into them. He calls it Christ Jitsu: a blend of Jiu Jitsu, Hapkido, Tae Kwon Do, and Bible Thumping. Their signature move? The Crucifix Hold, of course.
-Micah’s family is halfway to the world record for fraternal twins. His wife is a twin and he has a pair of his own. Two more generations and they’ll be a part of history. That sounds like a great excuse to drink a six-pack of Guinness.
-Micah was one of the first Soldiers to be awarded a Combat Infantryman Badge in Iraq. The next day he used it to stab a genetically enhanced enemy rat to death in his hooch. True story.
-Micah has a USDA Brand tattoo on his butt. We would call that latently homosexual (especially since George Michael has the same tat), but since we’re sponsoring the guy, it’s officially the coolest tat ever.
Fun Fact: Micah bears a strange resemblance to Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols. He fights like him too.

Michah’s Gym

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Kenny Jackson
Service: Army National Guardsman
Pro Record: 3-1

Kenny Jackson is not related to either Kenny Florian or Michael Jackson. Not even remotely. But he’s got the jits and the dance moves to put both to shame. He can slap on a rear naked choke and then celebrate with a combination Billie Jean, “eeee-heee,” spin around, crotch grab move. That’s one reason we like him.

The other reason is his job. Now a full-time National Guardsman, Kenny has the unenviable task of being the funeral coordinator for Northeast Georgia. If a serviceman from his state loses his life overseas, Kenny’s the man to make sure he gets his last respects. It takes a careful mix of stoic courage and well-placed compassion to continually look into the eyes of grieving family members while you bury their loved one. Ever see Gardens of Stone? If not, get thee to a Blockbuster!

Kenny’s father was MIA for most of his life and his mother is certified looney tunes. She kicked him out of the house at 13 years-old and forced him to fend for himself. Instead of becoming a burden on society he got his shit together, though it took a seriously intimidating foster parent to properly motivate him. We like to think that background pre-destined him to be a LRS – operating long distances from any support. Here’s our Rangerfied list of reasons we decided to sponsor him:

-Kenny is certified in the lost art of Hagana – an Israeli tactical knife fighting, shooting, and humus making art form.
-During an 18-month deployment in Iraq, Kenny’s buddies procured some Iraqi whiskey and proceeded to tattoo their asses with everything from a USDA Prime Beef logo to “Slippery When Wet.” Kenny refrained from getting one. That’s sound judgment.
-In one of his fights, Kenny beat up a guy from Micah Goss’s gym. He felt so bad about it, he moved to Georgia and started training with him…when he’s not looking for a soul to steal.
-Kenny’s only loss was controversial. A fan tossing an octopus onto an ice hockey ring is okay, but chucking one into an MMA cage is grounds for disqualification. Who knew?
-Kenny is no longer welcome to fight in the state of Georgia because he broke an opponent’s arm. Apparently no one told the peach state that this is a combat sport.
-Kenny’s wife is convinced he loves his dog more than her. He gets props for picking a woman who’s both perceptive and tolerant.
-On his high school aptitude tests, he listed “kicking haji in the face and putting two in his head” as a career ambition.
-Kenny firmly believes in the philosophy that crazy people may be scary, but they also keep you safe. Can you say, “I’m bad! I’m bad! Shump boy!”
-Kenny suffers from PTSD, but not from combat. When a stray butt cheek flipped a peach presser on during a romp in a barn, Kenny’s nickname became Fuzzymember.

Kenny’s Gym

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Brian Vanhoven
Service: Former Marine
Pro Record: 3-0

No self-respecting Marine likes to be looked past. So when former Marine Sergeant Brian Vanhoven found out that his next opponent plans to corner two fighters just two days after he fights him, he was justifiably pissed. That’s just rude and fueled his old man strength (he’s 35), so he channeled Randy Couture and trained like a possessed Gordon Ramsay to bring the scunyon. That’s one reason we like him. Here are some others:
When things got tough during Marine basic recruit training, he tuned out mentally and went to his happy place to get through it. With his help, Goose and Maverick finally beat Iceman and Slider in topless volleyball.
As a lifelong wrestler (and one of the few Marines who’s defeated an Army wrestler on his home turf), Brian has constantly been the butt of every joke, especially the one from Breakfast Club about tights. But damn, that shit’s funny.

-Brian’s ambition is to wrestle Sasquatch, so he once went hunting for him and ended up harpooning a guy in a bear suit.
-Brian has no real hobbies, but aspires to be a photographer. So we introduced him to Cat Fancy magazine. Can you say hypoallergenic?
-Brian grew up wakeboarding on the Columbia River in Washington. He once caught a salmon with his bear hands. No, really. He threw on a pair of stuffed bear paws and slapped a fish stupid as it tried to swim upstream.
-During a U2 concert Bono said, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” Brian jumped up and screamed, “Quit clapping your fucking hands then!”
-Brian named his testicles Thing 1 and Thing 2, which was really funny until his sons put eight rolls of quarters into a sock and vowed to beat Dr. Seuss to death. His family jewels now resemble Green Eggs and Ham.
-Brian wrestled and now fights because he prefers individual sports so he can bask in the glory of the win without anyone hogging the spotlight. So did Alexander the Great.
-Brian’s MMA nickname was “The Defiant” until some inbred, uneducated promoter misspelled it and he was introduced as “The Deviant.”
-Brian is one of the few Catholics in the world not offended by the Jesus Didn’t Tap logo.

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Gert Kocani
Service: Former Army Ranger
Pro Record: 3-0

There are some guys that give you an instant feeling of “don’t fuck with me.” Kojak. Shaft. Dolemite. All not to be fucked with. After talking with Gert Koceni, we get the impression he carries boot knives, belt knives, and sharpened wolverine claws to quickly carve up anyone who tries to make off with his sweet ’99 Trans Am. But when you learn of his past, you understand his stoic, Grand Theft Auto, car jacker exterior. In 1996 Gert and his family fled their native Albania to escape religious persecution and lived in Greece for several years until his folks were able to emigrate to the U.S.

Immigrants are the backbone of America and have a long history of contributing to its success, so when the 9-11 attacks happened, he immediately felt the need to give back. A believer in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, Gert joined the Army and spent 3 years in 1st Ranger Battalion that included a six-month tour of Iraq. That’s got team Rhino written all over it.

Because of his Eastern European accent, his squad thought it was funny to nickname him “Zohan” until they all woke up with a nasty rash on their chests one morning from the handful of Nair Gert had placed in their bunks. They were instantly labeled the “baby-faced squad.” Manly.

Gert left the Army and became a jiu jitsu instructor at LA Boxing in Orlando where he also trains MMA with American Top Team when he’s not hunting crocodiles using humus as bait. During a streetfight he used a real Peruvian necktie to win. Dude is not to be fucked with.

Although we normally like to bust our fighter’s balls, we’re going to stop here before we find a horse’s head in our bed.

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Eddie Fore
Service: Active Air Force
Pro Record: 3-2

When you call Eddie Fore’s cell phone you hear, “Please enjoy the music while your party is reached,” followed by Hanson’s teeny-bopper anthem, “Mmmm Bop.” Not something you’d expect from a MMA fighter and SERE instructor. “I guess I don’t fit the stereotype,” Fore says. That’s like saying Michael Jackson looked like an average fifty year-old. Fore fiery attitude and apparent Napoleon complex are a couple of reasons we like him. His calm audacity is another.

As an Airman aspiring to be a professional MMA fighter, he’s part of a small demographic that’s dominated by the Armed Services that are traditionally attributed to direct combat roles. “The Air Force isn’t really into MMA,” he says. “Most people in the Air Force think the Army and Marines are the combat guys, so for an Airman to be fighting, they think it’s just a way to act tough.” For that reason Fore wants to represent the Air Force and be considered in the same class as the big military dogs of MMA: Tim Kennedy and former Marine Captain Brain Stann. Those are big boots for a flyweight, but Eddie’s got a dream – he wants to be the guy people think of when they hear “Air Force” and “fighting” in the same sentence.

With a pedigree in wrestling and a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, he was custom made for the sport. As an amateur, he racked up an 8-2 record and won all six of his Muay Thai kickboxing fights before turning pro. Since then he is undefeated in MMA. But what makes Airman Fore, a water safety instructor at Fairchild’s SERE school, really different is the cause he fights for. A rare disease called Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) runs in his family and proved fatal for one of his cousins. MDS is a bone marrow stem cell disorder resulting in disorderly and ineffective blood production manifested by irreversible defects in blood-forming cells that usually leads to Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML). In the majority of cases, the course of the disease is chronic and causes progressive bone marrow failure. Approximately one-third of patients with MDS progress to AML within months to a few years. Astronomer Carl Sagan died of MDS and now that Fore knows it’s in his family, his children have to be tested regularly. Not being the passive type, he’s doing what he can to find a cure.

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Matt Dunlap
Service: Former Army
Pro Record: 4-0

During his final tour in Iraq, Matt met Rich Frankin, Randy Couture, and Rachel Leah in Tikrit during a USO show. He was already an avid MMA fan (he and the boys had already started the Tikrit fight club) but after meeting Rich, in particular, Matt knew he wanted to commit to fighting full time, as he had planned on leaving the military at the end of his tour.

With his wife’s support, Matt showed up at Jorge Gurgel’s MMA academy in Cincinnati so he could train with the man who inspired him – Rich Franklin. Initially nervous about approaching Franklin, for fear of coming off like a stalker, Matt quickly found out that his worst fears were about to come true as Franklin pinned him to the ground while screaming STALKER!!! and delivered vicious wet willys and pink bellies to the surprised Dunlap…actually Rich, who is staunchly pro-military, was really cool about it and went out of his way to help. Matt now trains fulltime with some phenomenal fighters who were good enough to send their pictures in Ranger Up Gear, including UFC fighters Rich Franklin, Jorge Gurgel, Luke Zachrich, Dustin Hazelett, Matt Brown, and Dorian Price.

Watch the video of Brian’s fight below and keep an eye out for RU gear!

No self-respecting Marine likes to be looked past. So when former Marine Sergeant Brian Vanhoven found out that his next opponent plans to corner two fighters just two days after he fights him, he was justifiably pissed. That’s just rude and fueled his old man strength (he’s 35), so he channeled Randy Couture and trained like a possessed Gordon Ramsay to bring the scunyon. That’s one reason we like him. Here are some others:

When things got tough during Marine basic recruit training, he tuned out mentally and went to his happy place to get through it. With his help, Goose and Maverick finally beat Iceman and Slider in topless volleyball.

As a lifelong wrestler (and one of the few Marines who’s defeated an Army wrestler on his home turf), Brian has constantly been the butt of every joke, especially the one from Breakfast Club about tights. But damn, that shit’s funny.

Brian’s ambition is to wrestle Sasquatch, so he once went hunting for him and ended up harpooning a guy in a bear suit.

Brian has no real hobbies, but aspires to be a photographer. So we introduced him to Cat Fancy magazine. Can you say hypoallergenic?

Brian grew up wakeboarding on the Columbia River in Washington. He once caught a salmon with his bear hands. No, really. He threw on a pair of stuffed bear paws and slapped a fish stupid as it tried to swim upstream.

During a U2 concert Bono said, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” Brian jumped up and screamed, “Quit clapping your fucking hands then!”

Brian named his testicles Thing 1 and Thing 2, which was really funny until his sons put eight rolls of quarters into a sock and vowed to beat Dr. Seuss to death. His family jewels now resemble Green Eggs and Ham.

Brian wrestled and now fights because he prefers individual sports so he can bask in the glory of the win without anyone hogging the spotlight. So did Alexander the Great.

Brian’s MMA nickname was “The Defiant” until some inbred, uneducated promoter misspelled it and he was introduced as “The Deviant.”

Brian is one of the few Catholics in the world not offended by the Jesus Didn’t Tap logo.

Now that we (and his sons) have busted his balls, we’re happy to announce that Ranger Up will sponsor Brian Vanhoven this weekend at the World Extreme Fighting show in Pittsburgh, Pa.

This report is exclusive to Ranger Up from our friend Tommy Waterworth (or T-Wat as we like to call him).

We at Ranger Up like to get the most out of our money. Hell, we’re Americans. We bitch when our coffee is cold and our beer is warm, which is why we’ll never move to England. So we’re getting a little aggravated at one of our fighters because, well, he isn’t getting us our money’s worth. We pay Kris McCray to wear our shirt during his walk in and victory speeches and our name across his butt during his fights. But his fights don’t last more than a frickin minute! Ranger Up has sponsored Kris McCray in three of his four professional fights, but they seem to be getting shorter and none have gone past the first round. He’s in and out of the ring so fast, fans only see “RUP” before he’s celebrating back in the dressing room. How is this cost effective?

Okay, so I’m kidding. We love the fact that Kris walks into a cage, destroys someone, and walks out after a humble acceptance speech. He’s a microcosm of the American military – walk in, kick ass, walk out, drink a beer and tell stories with dad. McCray brought the scunyon, defeating his toughest opponent yet in Igor Almeida in just 39 seconds. Almeida was undefeated in 5 fights until McCray showed the handspeed of a young Phil Baroni and knocked him into the arms of stranger-Big John McCarthy. McCray pummeled Almeida on his feet with a relentless barrage of heavy hands and forced Big John to step in to avoid potential brain damage. There’s no doubt McCray is for real. He’s made it through The Ultimate Fighter tryouts twice only to be told the UFC changed gears and brought in heavyweights or lightweights. He’s upped his game by training with Greg Jackson. He won nine amateur fights and now he’s won his fourth professional fight in the first round.

Big Ranger Up kudos to him and The Ultimate Warrior Challenge for putting on another great show and supporting the troops by shelling out 450 free tickets for local soldiers. With 5180 total fans and some very good fights, the UWC proved once again that it’s the best MMA show on the east coast. If you didn’t catch the Dodson-Runez fight (streamed on Sherdog), go check it out. It was one of the best fights of the year.

Appearing in his second “Strikeforce Challengers” bout in three months, Army veteran and middleweight Tim Kennedy (11-2) proved he’s ready to move on to the organization’s big shows. Kennedy showed a relentless attack as he cruised to a second-round submission win over formerly undefeated prospect Zak Cummings (10-1). Kennedy picked up where he left off in a June win over Nick Thompson, overpowering Cummings with powerful wrestling and crushing strikes from top position. Cummings proved a game opponent, rolling to avoid blows and submission while absorbing punishment from the top. It simply delayed the inevitable. After closing a dominant first round, Kennedy came out aggressive again in the second, leaping to a standing guillotine choke that forced Cummings to scramble. When he did, it was into an even deeper north-south choke. Kennedy squeezed tight, and despite Cummings valiant efforts, he was forced to submit. The win was Kennedy’s third-straight, and pushed him to 2-0 for Strikeforce. Cummings loses for just the first time in his career.

Meanwhile in Butte, Montana, Sam Rauch defeated Mike Crissman by guillotine choke in the first round at “FightForce – Great Falls Rumble.”

Strikeforce…Fightforce…how many more Forces does Ranger Up have to dominate? Congrats to Tim and Sam!

Congratulations to Jorge “El Conquistador” Rivera who defeated Rob Kimmons by TKO at UFC 104 in Los Angeles last weekend. Rivera ups his record to 17-7 with this win, but instead of resting on his laurels and taking it easy, Rivera graciously agreed to train Marines at Ranger Up’s Train the Troops event at Camp Pendleton, California. That’s just one reason we respect the hell out of him. Rivera is a former Armored Cavalryman who’s endured hardships that would break lesser men, including the loss of his teenage daughter last year and the death of his trainer and friend, Eric Armington. Yet despite those setbacks and various nagging injuries, he soldiers on and even donates his time to giving free combatives seminars to troops here in the U.S. and abroad. RU Nick spent a good deal of time with Rivera at Ultimate Fight Night 18 and found out first hand what makes El Conquistador tick. Check out his story at Fight! magazine’s website here.

Jorge Rivera models our St Michael shirt in his own special way

Based out of Germany, these guys are the Ranger Up representatives for mainland Europe. Made up of active duty guys, Dustin Bell and his crew make up Team Rhino, a group of 7 competitive mountain bikers.

When you get a chance, check out their team’s official website to find results of their most recent races and also team photos.

Visit the Team Rhino website>>

Dale is about to weave us on a twisted path to drunkedness

Two members of the Ranger Up crew – Kelly and Nick – just got back from UFC 100, an event that by many independent accounts, they both spent in an over-the-top alcoholic haze. Here’s point, counter point with Kelly and Nick. Mr. Crigger will begin:

Kelly Crigger’s UFC 100 Flashbacks:
Upon linking up with Nick in Vegas I notice he’s wearing a froo-froo pair of designer jeans with big white splotches on the buttocks that resemble semen stains. He claims to have ripped his regular jeans and bought these in a hurry. I secretly think he wants to mimic RU fighter and gambling enthusiast Dale Hartt, who also wears spermizoa stained jeans and cannot sit still. Nick and I are both fearful.

I was on the strip walking and I dropped my phone. When I bent down to pick the damn thing, I tore the ass right out of my jeans, which was awesome because everyone got to see my Spiderman underoos. I walked into Caesar’s Palace to get replacement denim and the only options were jeans that cost more than my car. I bought them, but will be seeking counseling ASAP.

John Tackett retires early for the evening and makes no bones about it. I think he’s afraid of what might happen when Hartt decides to go cow tipping in the Mojave.

Oh, how I wish I had taken his lead…

At the expo, Nick refuses to stare at the woman modeling New Whey protein in the booth next to us. Instead he keeps saying, “Is that Rampage?” and pointing nowhere so she looks away while he checks out her rack.

Erroneous! Erroneous! Not only did I stare at her, but she is likely going to be a Ranger Up Girl in the future. Plus, you know…Steve Mazzagatti looks a lot like Rampage…

Nick takes a cell phone picture of the street corner where Tupac was killed. I am not as impressed since my attention is on the eccentric (read: scary) street walkers who appear to be sizing us up for a drive by.

Crigger is 107 years old, and hence doesn’t acknowledge the awesomeness that is Tupac. Had Abba been gunned down on that street corner, then maybe Crigger would share my pain…

At ace MMA photographer Tracy Lee’s party, a man is struggling with the decision to join the Army and seeks my advice. Nick would rather talk about Party Starter - a two chambered spray bottle that holds alcohol and mixer. Priorities, Nick.

Tracy Lee sporting Ranger Up

You can adjust the freakin flow rate for varying alcohol mixes and then fire a shot five feet across the room. It’s up there with penicillin as far as I’m concerned.

Nick tells Rob Roveta, “Don’t mind him. He’s usually sleeping in a trunk right now.” I can’t figure out who he’s referring to.

Drunk Crigger tells the guy throwing the party and one of the more influential agents in the sport that he can “get him in because he writes for Fight! Magazine”. When he said “Fight! Magazine”, he flexed mightily and let out a primal scream.

Danny Acosta walks by just as Nick bends over to pick something up. Nick accuses him of trying to have butt sex with him and repeats this fact to everyone. Having previously admired Nick, Acosta is currently seeking grief counseling.

There really is nothing funnier than telling tons of people you don’t really know that a guy you just met is a known sex offender. Am I right?

Nick dances at Tryst like Elaine from Seinfeld. Clearly this man’s not playing with a full set of sharpest knives in the drawer as his elevator doesn’t go up.

Ever since I tore my hamstring break dancing to Thriller, I haven’t been the same man…

Despite a massive hangover and really being drunk still, I head to the expo while my CEO and fearless leader sleeps in.

While technically true, this statement is…Look! Platypus!

As promised I bring Greg Jackson to our booth to sign autographs for his adoring fans. He’s joined by female fighter Julie Kedzie, who’s sporting a black eye from her last fight. Somewhere Nick wakes up.

Julie Kedzie is hot. I sensed a disturbance in the force.

An Australian man asks for my picture and autograph. He’s flown all the way from Sydney just to meet me. I am thrilled at the prospect of finally having a stalker.

Just because you met one of the twelve people that read your book, does not mean he came to the states to see you, nor does it mean he is your stalker. By the way kids, you can buy Crigger’s first book, Title Shot, here.

My phone signals a new text message. Someone whose name rhymes with Schmick allegedly forgot his badge and allegedly had to take another cab back to the hotel to retrieve it. I’m sure this Schmick guy is really just trying to squeeze in more sleep.

I honestly don’t remember this because I was still drunk.

Nick takes a picture with Tim Creduer and Forrest Griffin. Neither man smiles because Nick is secretly caressing their smooth buttocks while whispering in Forrest’s ear, “have you seen my new jeans?”

Crigger is just upset because now I am all metro-ed out and he is still sporting Husky Bugle Boy Jeans.

After berating me for refusing to drink any more alcohol, Nick rallies…with a Bloody Mary. Way to set the example.

Oh wait, you were saying drinking is bad?

After the fight we are too impatient to wait in line behind 1000 people to get a cab, so Nick makes the executive decision (he is the CEO after all) to walk to our next appointment-Planet Hollywood. During the three hour trek down the Las Vegas strip, Nick continues to repeat the unending mantra, “it can’t be that much farther. I can see it from here!” not realizing he’s looking at a massive neon sign on the top of a 70 story building.

It was just over the next hill…I’ll show you on the map…

And now Nick remembers UFC 100…

Nick’s UFC Flashbacks:
By the time Crigger arrives in Vegas, I am sitting with John Tackett (3/75 RGR and owner of Fighter Link) and Dale Hartt (UFC Fighter and Naval veteran). We have been drinking for hours. Dale tells us we have to come to this great restaurant. Crankypants Crigger lets everyone know he is starving and his colossus body can’t possibly last another moment without food. Dale says it will be worth it. He then proceeds to take us on a seven-hour journey through time and space that ends at an Irish Bar.

Where I finally got a healthy portion of Shepherd’s Pie that raced through my stomach so fast it came out looking like Lucky Charms and a Vegas roll.

There is a 23% chance that something Dale Hartt does will directly or indirectly result in my death. There is a 6% chance that there will be a unicorn involved.

And another 3% chance that the unicorn will be ridden by a Lucky Charms leprechaun who was recently birthed from my colon. How many times do I have to eat my shoes before you believe I’m hungry?

In moments, DellaGrotte will be locked in Crigger's Bear Hug

As I leaned back at the bar at Tryst, I remember thinking, “Hey is that Mark DellaGrotte flying through the air?” That thought was followed, along with a giant Aryan body, with the thought, “Why the fuck is Crigger throwing Mark DellaGrotte?”

I thought I was at a midget tossing tournament and you know what they say about those…it’s better to toss midgets than toss salad.

Moments later. “Why is Crigger trying to throw Marcus Davis into a swimming pool? That seems like a bad idea…”

At age 80, Ronald Reagan started claiming he had no recollection of half his life and got away with the Iran Contra affair because he was diagnosed with alzheimer’s disease. I am forty and therefore have halfheimer’s disease and don’t remember any of this.

Tim Credeur is Forrest Griffin’s much smaller doppelganger.

What’s a doppelganger? Is that a juggernaut’s cousin or a fluffer’s hand maiden?

At the UFC Expo, the tiniest girl I have ever seen in my entire life walked up and proceeded to badger, intimidate, and cajole everyone into listening to her and doing exactly what she said. Then she kicked us for good measure. She is also apparently the little sister of a dude I went to West Point with.

That damn leprechaun is persistent, isn’t he? Humans that short should be able to scratch their toes without bending over.

The guys that write for Fight! Magazine are a little handsy…

If by handsy you mean tried to have sex with you when you bent over to pick up your cell phone and ripped your jeans, then yes…they are.

Joe Silva may be the most tolerant man on the planet.

And Clay Guida is one step back on the evolutionary scale. The fact that he has mastered bi-pedalism and his opposing thumbs is a triumph of evolution. I kid. Guida is a good, albeit abnormally resilient, dude.

Holy shit, it’s midnight after the fight and I don’t see Crigger anywhere!

I was doing an impression of my fearless CEO and letting Calgon take me away.

Holy shit, it’s 0300, and I linked up with amputees, active duty soldiers, and all around BAMF Mark Little and Chris Carlsen, my new best friends. When I told them I was going to crash because I had a 9:30 flight, they told me to Ranger Up. Turnaround is fair play. Cocksuckers. They’ve goaded me into entering an all night beer pong tournament.

Nick and Mark kicking ass and forgetting names...

Again, I’m asleep.

It’s 0530 and Chris has peeled off to hit on some girl. Mark and I are winning game after game of beer pong. In each game, we are down by 4 cups and then rally for victory. Crigger just woke up and wants to know where the fuck I am.

Catching a flight is a bitch, huh?

It’s 0730. No one wants to play anymore. Mark and I are victorious. Our last victory was against a dude who was on his mid-tour Iraq leave. The cool thing to do would be to have thrown the match. We aren’t cool. We still make sure he had a great time. I remark to Mark that it is light outside. He says something like, “No shit. It’s 0730.” I have a plane to catch in two hours. I have not packed yet. I am drunk as a fucking skunk. By now, thanks to social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter, my friends on the east coast, my brother, my new friend Suzy, Her Majesty the Queen, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tony Eason, a Leprechaun, a Goat Herder from Spain, and Pope Benedict all realize I am still playing beer pong and are lighting up my phone with texts. They are all telling me to go to the airport comma idiot. I believe they are all cowards.

On my way to the airport I see Nick on the corner where Tupac was killed. He’s wearing ripped jeans and has Mark on his back Yoda-Style wielding two glocks for 360 security, while they both huddle over a beer pong trophy that resembles a prosthetic leg screaming “my precious!” and return heavy machine gun fire with a local gang. A leprechaun lays dead in the street.