Calm Down!

Updated: September 11, 2011

By RU Contributor Rob

In case you have been living under a rock, or deployed to Asscrackistan for that matter, an earthquake and hurricane have recently played chaos with the east coast. While each caused some sort of damage that interrupted the lives of the residents it affected as a whole, the damage was no where as severe as the media claimed it was.

Let’s start with the earthquake that was centered 38 miles north of Richmond, Virgina. I just happened to be standing with Nick and Tommy Batboy at RU Headquarters watching them record the latest edition of the Unapologetically American News when the supposed tremors started. For some reason, for which I can’t explain, I didn’t feel a damned thing. While they boys were diving under the desk and donning hard-hats, I stood there with a look on my face, just like the first time I saw a donkey show in Tijuana, talk about shock-and-awe! Maybe it was my massive, tree trunk legs, which are capable of keeping me upright while climbing over paratroopers in a C-130 piloted by the Arkansas Air Guard, or maybe I was still hung-over and my alcohol induced staggering masked the movement of the world around me. Either way, I didn’t feel shit.

After leaving Nick and Tom, while driving along, just minding my own business, I started getting text messages and phone calls from all over the world asking me if I was okay and if I felt “the big one.” I turn on the radio and according to the media….cats and dogs are living together and THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END! For the next three days, every major news outlet has Billy-Bob and Mary-Jane recounting the horror of a shaking universe and how the earth moved .00026 inches out of its regular orbit.


Here is an idea, when it comes to earthquakes; the maximum amount of total time that a national news channel can spend on the event equals the total amount of time of the event itself, in this case, about 41 seconds.

Fast forward one week and Hurricane Irene is storming up the east coast. Initial reports are that New York City is going to be obliterated and that Long Island is going to fall off into the ocean. Again the news channels went into overdrive with 24 hour coverage of Irene including the ten second intro coming back from every commercial break that had dramatic music….dum dum dum! After she fizzled out and became more of a rainmaker than a psycho-destruction, we were still inundated with non-stories of the three homes in DC (which were built circa 1868) that were damaged by the “intense winds” of Irene and that damned sail boat in North Carolina bobbing up and down in the waves. Newsflash…boats tend to bob in waves!

Because of the lack of destruction to the major cities Irene was supposed to impact, little was said and is still being ignored of the problems she did cause. What about all of the flooding that happened in Vermont? I guess the fact that food and water have to be airlifted into several communities there is a non-story? What about the millions still without power? Just because New York, Philly, DC, and Boston weren’t wiped off the face of the earth then does that mean there really isn’t really much to talk about?

The point of this is that the mainstream media needs to STFU! If some dumb-ass wants to go surfing when there are riptides and no swimming flags warning people of impending death, let him go. I don’t want to hear his retarded comments, and quite frankly, if he drowns, it is only helping our gene pool. I don’t care to see a news reporter who just happens to position himself in a pseudo-wind-tunnel to magnify the effects of the winds when there are other people standing twenty feet away getting a pedicure and scoffing in the weather’s general direction. Let local stories remain just that…local.

Don’t get me wrong, some storms are capable of immense destruction (ever heard of a little hurricane named Katrina?). But in the same aspect, let’s not sensationalize the storm more that it needs to be. I am all about preparedness but this just wasn’t the clean sweep it was made out to be. Everyone just needs to calm the fuck down; you never know when the next forty-one seconds of earthquake coverage will come.



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